"Are you on the eve of change? Embrace it. Accept it. Don't resist it. Change is not only a part of life, change is a necessary part of God's strategy. To use us to change the world, he alters our assignments"....I want to believe in something like that...

"When you step into the unknown, faith is knowing there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly"....

rebuilding me...that's what I've been working on lately...I could continue to blog endlessly about you Adam...but reality now tells me I need to reconstruct what's left...reconstruct...me. As I sat in church this past week, I heard Father talk about families...and the variations in all of them...he encouraged us to pray extra hard for those with truly dysfunctional families...we all know the ones he spoke of...and to continue to pray for those who have good and strong family ties...and for those who fall into the "mixed Blessings" group...wow, that's me and my group...well...pray for us too... He didn't define it but I knew what he meant...my family is comprised of many people who have absolutely no bloodlines...it spans all ages and encompasses many different Faiths...it's those who came to sit a spell...and never tarried...it's those who chose to pray with us not once but continually...it's those who've held my hand as I learned how to walk again in different footsteps...FAMILY...within that word is AM I...and I wonder now...who am I? And how am I now defined? Only time will tell...

Merry Christmas Adam....

I still hear the songs, I still see the lights, I still feel your love on cold wintery nights...I still share your hopes and all of your cares, I'll even remind you to please say your prayers...I just want to tell you, you still make me proud, you stand head and shoulders above all the crowd...keep trying each moment, to stay in His grace, I came here before you to help set your place...you don't have to be perfect, all of the time...He forgives you the slip, if you continue to climb...to my family and friends, please be thankful today, I'm still close beside you, in a new special way...I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear...cause I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year....Merry Christmas from Heaven.....

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful 20-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. I am writing this not only for myself, but for all parents who have lost a child, and to all of the wonderful people who asked, "What can I do for you?"

At the time there wasn't much anyone could do to help, but after two years I have an answer: Accept me for who I am now.

When Rachel came into my life, it changed me profoundly. Losing her did the same. Her father and I work hard to honor her memory, but we will never "get over it" to the degree of being who we were before. I am different now. In some ways -- I think -- better. I am kinder, more patient, more appreciative of small things, but I am not as outgoing nor as quick to laugh.

I know people mean well when they encourage me to get on with my life, but this is my life. My priorities have changed. My expectations of what my future will hold have changed. Please extend to me again the offer of "anything I can do" and, please, accept me as I am now. -- DIFFERENT NOW IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.

DEAR DIFFERENT NOW: Please accept my profound sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. I hope that your letter will help anyone who doesn't understand that the death of a child is the most devastating loss parents can suffer and that the experience is life-changing. They may get beyond it, but they never get "over" it. To expect that they would is unrealistic, because it's a wound that may become less visible but never goes

It's only after we 've lost everything that we're free to do anything...
Re: Adam
"I had the pleasure of taking two college courses with your son ...There isn't really one thing (it was many things) that Adam did that changed my life... it was just him....his aura.... his character his smile.... Adam was always a jolly fellow and never really let things get to him. He showed me that sometimes it is okay to not have control over everything in your life. Often times it is better to just take a moment and enjoy what is going on. Up until that point I never really understood the concept but seeing your son in his daily life helped put things into prospective for me. I will never forget to just laugh and relax even when things are tough...."
I got this message from someone I had never met...and since my son passed away..I've received similar tales...stories of how my son, in his short time, had affected others in the most positive light...reflecting on this young man's recall of Adam's influence...it makes me extremely proud that I raised him...that this amazing young man, my son...was just that..."my son"...and it made Ted and I pause for a moment...and think that perhaps more of us need to heed those simple instructions...that it's okay not to have control over everything in our lives...and that's exactly how it is right now...and I'll accept it...just being able to see that there are blue skies ahead, in the distance...a sun that will cast new light upon us...and a rainbow far off...ahead of us...and that my son's spirit will ride on my shoulders even in the darkest hours...so that I'm never alone....

it was a Wednesday night...I just got done watching St. Elsewhere...I was tired...Ted was sick...I believe he drank half the bottle of NyQuil that evening....I just settled in for the night, having tucked my precious two year old into his beddie...Jordan slept soundly as it started...the labor pains and the gush of my water breaking...Ted had to muster up strength to fight off the sickness and be there at my side...because Adam was making his grand entrance...his birth was beautiful and perfect...like it was orchestrated to be that way...and amazingly, Ted forgot about how sick he was as he became the world's best dad for a second time at 4:37 a.m. on a Thursday morning..."odd hour to make your arrival" we'd tell him years later...and a little tow headed toddler awakened that morning to the news that he became a big brother...that was the moment in my life...that I felt the most completely gratified...roses sat alongside my bedside with a simple card...stating "I love you...thank you for my sons...you amaze me"...and that's how it was...tomorrow would be Adam's 23rd birthday...it seems like yesterday that we celebrated his 22nd...how could the months have passed by so quickly...as we, lost in a fog...saw 10 months pass us by....how can this be...a birthday without you here with us Adam??? There is no gift to give...for you're not here to open it...no card to send...no cake to be eaten...just lots of prayers and Hopes that you see all you meant to us...the innocence and sweetness you possessed...the heart of an angel...touching all those you came in contact with...we, the many who LOVED you...think of you always....and cherish the person you were...I hold so many memories....so many proud moments...I am who I am because of you, I after all, was Adam's mom...I still am...and I, like those many others whose lives you touched...will carry with me...every day...a love that is like a flame...burning eternal...until we embrace once again...I love you....always and forever....

Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

My God...this one hit me hard upon reading it...15 words...complete meaning...fully understood...it explains exactly...sudden loss...coupled with the loss being a child...added in the shock of circumstance...I often wonder how I am where I am...

Dear Adam,
If you have any pull at all up there...please ask God to help us out a little...things are rough...it's not an easy time...we keep praying and waiting for an answer...we miss you baby...more than anyone could begin to fathom...you fill my every thought...please continue to be my angel...you always were...here on earth...please be my angel still....from your lofty place...high above the clouds...watch over me...guide me through the roughest of days and the saddening nights...continue to visit me in my dreams...and allow me to find Peace...and please know...how much I loved you...forever and ever...

It's Christmas Baby, please come home(Yeah!)The snow's coming down....I'm watching it fall...Watching the people around...Baby please come home....The church bells in town...They're ringing a song...What a happy sound...Baby please come home...They're singing deck the halls...But it's not like Christmas at all...I remember when you were here...And all the fun we had last year...Pretty lights on the tree...I'm watching 'em shine...You should be here with me...Baby please come home...Baby please come...home...Baby please come home...They're singing deck the halls...But it's not like Christmas at all...I remember when you were here...And all the fun we had last year...If there was a way...I'd hold back these tears...But it's Christmas day...Baby please come home...Ohh...Baby please come home...Baby please come home...Baby please come home...Ohh...Baby please come home...Baby please come home.............Adam's and Jordan's favorite Christmas song...they were just little boys when "A Very Special Christmas" came out on CD...Teddy's dad got us a CD player which was a big deal in the late 80's and we'd play them this CD over and over as their sweet little voices attempted to mimic the lyrics of Bono and Sting...on the way to church, just me and Jordan today...rainy and dreary...as I started the ignition the radio was softly playing this same song...and as we drove to church...we drove in silence...I know he was thinking the same thoughts...that Adam should be here with us...just like the lyrics...

...the glisten of newly fallen snow, mesmerising icy crystals falling haphazardly outside my window...as I sit remembering many winters past and the joy that once abounded around our little home...the sounds of laughter in my yard...the squeals of happy children playing on our block...the sights we'd take in...from our eyes to our hearts...utter happiness...completely fulfilling...decorating the tree...baking cookies and making cocoa...the sparkle in each of our eyes as we'd daydream about Christmas...but to us, to Ted and I...the best part was the fasination...being parents allowed us to witness the amazement in our children's eyes...it was the best of times...it was easy to delight them...and seeing their delight made us happy. This year is different...and I see we're not alone...sadly, I know there are others in towns quite close, that will be mourning the losses of sons also taken too soon...as they reflect back on the joys they, too had once felt...and the sadness and emptiness that has now replaced that happiness...when all is going well...many of us "forget" about those in desperate situations...not that anyone ever means to...we just "get really caught up" in life...in general...and sometimes as we stand trimming our tree...listening to festive Christmas music...there's another family on the block clinging to each other crying...because this Christmas...someone dear is absent...there's an empty chair at a table somewhere....a present 'neath the tree that can't be opened this year....because it's intended loved one isn't here to open it...there's people left here...alone and empty to try and live on without their lifeline...Christmas...the birth of God's son...I never lost track of that being the true meaning of Christmas...I pray as Ted does....that God will give us...and those others like us....strength to get through. I hope God's gift to us..is continued healing....continued Faith....continued strength....I anxiously await to turn the page of the calendar to start a new year....perhaps one filled with a better understanding of all we endured...perhaps new hope...in times that seem bleak.........

windows....

...sometimes strangers find me... read me...and then write to tell me that my writings inspire them...some have told me it makes them appreciate their lives in a deeper way...others are struck by the ways I am learning to "cope' with tremendous loss...one person wrote to me yesterday and her words touched me in a completely different way, for you see, she told me she has her friend reading my blog, too...to have her look through the window of my world...the world of an innocent family struck by tragedy...and the aftermath of a son's bad decision to use drugs...and the sometimes fatal consequences it can induce into a family...even a good family...her methodology...scare her by seeing what she could do to her own loved ones...and it worked. I think that Adam's death has affected SO many people...obviously our lives here will never be the same...Ted said no one can even imagine what a family like ours goes through to struggle through each day and the fascade we must put on...as we muddle through...but Adam's death had surged a reality check upon many, many young adults...an awakening of what is really a hidden secret...that a mom like me can been easily thrown off track...I told Boo last night that Adam told me he'd smoke pot now and then...that little bit of what he told me was "just enough" to ease my mind of ever thinking he'd do anything else...anything "much worse" wasn't even fathomable in my mind...I hope another person never succumbs to the affects of the deadly drug that took my own son's life...I pray that Adam will always be remembered for all the GREAT qualities he possessed and that perhaps even now...he is somehow helping others learn...and saving the lives of others who have watched our family through the window I've kept open...

dreams....what do they mean? Are they real...two strangers at to very different times approached me with revelations of what they dreamt about regarding my son after he passed...that he sees my sadness...that this wasn't my fault...that I need to see his love and be able to move forward...



sitting across from me this morning...as I...in tattered p.j.'s and disheveled hair sat with continual tears trailing down my cheeks...listened to my best friend as she told me her story...her dream...so vivid and real it awakened her with shock and tears...I watched her soft face look seriously, voice so sweet and calm...my friend, my angel told me Adam was there...in her dream...that it was I alone on a chair...and Ted was soothing Jordan while he reclined on a sofa...the three of us sat stoically...facing a closed casket...and that when Lisa came into the parlor to give her condolences...it was Adam that was standing behind me...although I was unaware of his ghostly Spirit...she told me she could smell him...the luscious fragrance that was Adam's classic scent...and he looked handsome and well...and happy but he locked eyes with her telling her repeatedly that she needed to make me stop...that she needed to make me end the tears...and live life once again...she said she bumbled with words...telling him how sad I've become and he raised his voice almost scolding her to make me see...and then a phone rang...and she woke up and nothing more was remembered as she tearfully stumbled out of bed...she said it seemed so real...and it was me who he stood behind...my baby...he always worried about me...I always figured we'd grow old together...that we had so much ahead of us...all of us...the family...
and we wonder what else her dream was meant to tell....I wonder....

"Giving up=Giving in. That's what they want you to do. Don't give them the satisfaction".
Sometimes he's up...sometimes he's down, but one thing's for certain, Jordan and I are never riding on the same waves...that was his quote of the night...he can be quite uplifting and inspirational, God Bless him...and other times he's as down as it can get...tonight's my downward moment...I need something to give...I've given up so much....had so much taken from me...I often sit silent not even telling a soul how bad things have been...losing Adam was the end of my world as I knew it...and then so many other things have fallen apart...maybe tomorrow will bring me new Hope...so for tonight, I'll use Jordan's words as my mantra...and not give in...I love you Jordan...you don't see it...but you are a phenomenal person....

Surrender comes when you no longer ask, 'Why is this happening to me?'

always and forever....

I love you...always and forever, I use that statement frequently....I miss you...there is no one...in this entire world...that could even begin to imagine the way a set of parents like us feel right now...unless you've felt loss like this...you cannot begin to understand the depth something like your passing has impacted on our lives...nothing is the same...someone at work told me today that being around me makes "them feel uncomfortable"...fighting back tears...I almost apologized saying..."did I say or do anything adverse"....no...it's just every time I look at you I want to cry and it makes me feel the reality that this horrible thing could affect me and my family if it hit you and yours....so I'd prefer not working around you...am I supposed to take comfort in that? Adam...you'd always tell me that others would gravitate to us...me and you...we had this thing, an easy way...not too cool but just cool enough you'd tell me...

I liked being that person and now someone like that lady today...is trying to blow the air right out of my sails...I still have Hope...I want to live what's left of this thing called life...and I know you don't want to see me down...few people truly understand it...and we've felt like we've moved mountains in these past nine months...the three of us. We recreated the table that once represented our relationship as a family...the four of us...four solid legs that supported what weighed down upon us....like the top of a table...the collaboration of us all...working together, held up that weight of the world....for a time...almost effortlessly...when we lost you, that table teetered and toppled...almost fully over...but somehow, the three of us formed a tripod and kept that table sturdy...I guess I just need a few miracles to happen...I need to find Peace...I need to heal further and I need ongoing love and support...I am I and you are you....and I am here and you are in Heaven...but each night lately you visit my dreams...pleasant and comforting dreams...Dad tells me if you held the power to visit me in those dreams...you definitely would...because you miss me too...I cry because I never got that final chance to tell you how much I loved you...or to say good bye....or how amazing you've been....and how much each little part of you meant to me...life was cruel....harsh....unforgiving for some time...but I am thankful, that I had you...my treasure...my son...my love, will run always and forever....

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend....that is how Teddy and I saw life...and are trying to still envision what is left...

Hope is not about everything turning out okay; it is about being okay no matter how things turn out.....

surrender...to give in...give up...admit defeat? Or surrender oneself to the level of being unable to do anything more and wholly submit themselves to God...for his direction...and after the surrender...as we wave self admitted defeat with our little white flags...how long will it be for us to discover the new plan? Does everything need to fall apart completely before it can be rebuilt?

I've been writing for many months now....approaching our ninth month without our son Adam...I've never written for help...or prayer...or favor...no, I wouldn't do that....till now...I'm asking that if you read me...that you take an extra moment and pray really hard for the son I still have beside me...all of what has happened over these terrible months have raged havock on him...I've never seen him so sad...so down...so lost...for those who believe in family...please believe in us...that somehow things will ease...nothing has gone right for us...we take one step forward and fall three steps back....I read that God only gives you what you are able to endure...I want to believe that and then I look at all the stuff that still is going wrong around us...and question when it will all stop? The hardships are so immense...things others probably would never think of...we are experiencing...everything is hard...

One of Adam's friends dropped by last night, yet another beautiful person who still thinks about us...about how we feel with him gone from our lives...a glass of wine shared...some tears and some happier stories about the boy we loved so well...I write endlessly about how I miss him...the sadness...on and on...but she actually made me laugh when she shared something silly...that only those who knew my son well enough could truly appreciate...she told me while standing in line at his wake...a bunch of girls gathered in line and questioned each other about what they were wearing and the appropriateness of their attire...one of the girls said "I dressed like Adam would have told me to....I'd imagine him telling me to put on something sexy and go out"...and that's what I did"....and I have not one doubt in my mind that she was right...that's exactly what he'd have said with his little grin....xoxo

purpose...a word I bring up so often. I guess as we all age, we wonder what our purpose is anyway. I would often hear older dying people question whether they fulfilled their purpose.

I do that...even as a grieving mom. I wonder if my purpose has changed....now that I lost Adam?

Or perhaps a new purpose was put into place by God...or delving even deeper....was this the purpose in the first place? The complexities of religion confuse us with a question like that...but each life lived needs purpose. Reflecting on Adam's life...I, as well as many others could see his purpose...or at least one of the main purposes he possessed was his influence on others...he was a leader...he had this positive spirit that seemed to pull people together...his talent? He had many but what stood out the most...from a parental view...was his voice....and not just the fact that he liked to sing....no, it went way beyond that. He had a voice that commanded attention, he had a voice that people listened to...mixed with kind and gentle laughter and teasing...yet with the ability to talk seriously with direction and conviction when needed. He was passionate about what he thought was right...and he never tried to talk people into following on the bad path. Even if he found personal failures, he's be the first to admit it...and steer you off the wrong way.

I think Adam's purpose was to lead by example...to teach...even in his passing....I see it continue...I need to keep focusing that the greatest tragedy is not death....but a life without purpose...Adam's life had been full of purpose...I need to continue on with his legacy in mind...

...the quietness of certain people...a young man standing at my stove next to my husband...soft chatter...the sound of chopping...intermingled with laughter from downstairs...in my den. Another Sunday....football...food...and those who've gathered here in our home for years now...to watch the games and share fellowship among friends...many are good to us...but there have been a few special angels who just seem to know the right things to do...sometimes, actually most times, it's beyond words...the relief I find most comforting is the hugs I get...and when our dear friend who shares the same name as my son holds me...I feel sincerity and love...it's the little things he's done for months now...effortless actions...making sure we're okay...spending time with Ted...with Jordan and with me...the walks shared...and many conversations...making us feel like we're all part of this little family with him in it...when our son passed away, he knew to step right in...with his quiet and gentle ways...always a hand out to guide us through the haze...someone dear once told me that God takes...but he also gives...I think God sent us a few little angels that look after us as we heal...

I decided to do a little light reading before I went to bed last night...so for some reason, I choose to read Adam's favorite story, silly as that sounds, it gave me such warmth and comfort...my niece sent me a copy and as I sat reading the tale my son loved so much...I saw so much symbolism in it's simplistic story...the fact that Sylvester's parents loved him so much...but also how they loved each other....just like me and Teddy...and how they tried to recollect themselves after they "lost" their son....just like us...although no happy ending awaits our tale...another symbol I found was that as Sylvester was "that rock"...Adam is in pieces of everything around us still...as hard as it is...we, like his family must move on....and before I read this story, Ted and I sat talking about life now...and how people see us...he remarked that unless they see him at work or in church, he's out of sight...just like me. Perhaps people need to see us more to reassure them we're proceeding with life...because we need to...he always seems to analyze but he's always right....I was at the dental office the other day and as kind and lovely as they all are...I could sense some mild awkwardness...but the end of my visit, I was in the arms of my hygienist...she thanked me for making a potentially awkward visit not awkward at all...and for those daring enough to experience me...they see I'm still the same...just a sadder version...I want people to see our strength...it took me a very long time to get to this point...the point of wanting to move forward....sadly, I used to awake and wish I could just join my son...but with the passing of time, I see I'm meant to be here...that I still have purpose and that so many people love me still...

Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light....I could feel the electricity inside of me when I met Ted and over and over again through my years with raising my boys...the energy that surged from within me...Faith that flowed effortlessly...unstoppable...and even now...in this, the saddest of times, I still feel that "Faith"...although it's dimmed and low...almost hidden, I still feel it...

Dear Adam...
Someone told me tonight "Unfortunately there will always be people trying to take your grief away, don't let them"...you know, I think that person may have been one of those rare people who said exactly the right thing...I need to let this pain out...and it may take a very long time....and it's okay....because I loved you oh so much...and I'm prepared for the time it'll take to heal...the next lifetime...I love you...always and forever xoxoxoxo
Love, Mom

Uncle Pete...could it be? yes, he certainly is like an uncle to us...a brother-figure to me and to Teddy...and a sort of uncle to Jordan...he's always been there but his role has been greatly refined and defined over the past 8 months...of course he'd be great, he's my best friend's husband, could he be anything else? But as my mind clarified over the months that passed, I see him there...always in the background...ever present...there for me with his little gestures, the little things I would think a brother would be or do for me...little surprises to help keep my mind occupied and my hands busy...fruits and vegetables at my doorstep so Ted and I could "can" in the evenings to sooth our saddened minds...cookbooks and little cooking devices so Ted and I could create more recipes together...all and all healing us through the selfless little things he does...so naturally...and Adam, he loved Pete, although he never called him that...to Adam he was "Chops"...and all through the years Adam would tell everyone that Pete got coined with the absolute best nickname in Jim Thorpe...Adam loved how Pete would come to all his games...loved trick-or-treating at his home because he gave out the best candy in town...loved him 'cause he was "my Lisa's" husband...loved how kind his family had always been to ours...although lately nothing seems to go right in our lives...we do feel Blessed to have an "Uncle Pete" in our lives....

Trick-or-treat night...yet another of those "firsts" I've been experiencing...can this grow any more difficult? How could a year have passed since last Halloween? I remember a kid knocking at the door and I almost hit the floor with shock for when I saw his costume, I was aghast...he was dressed as a KKK member...I couldn't even speak. Adam and talked about that later...he said what a weird world this was turning into...that someone would let their kid dress up like that. My kids had their share of fun...it was pretty much the same routine yearly, but we all liked it that way. Ted and I felt it was extremely important to "give back"...even way back when....so if our kids were getting treats from others, you could bet we'd have our home open too...so off Ted would go with the kids in tow and I would "let those others in" until Ted would be back with bags of goodies and two very happy (and hyper) little boys...Ted would wear a black sweat suit EVERY year and a scary wolf man mask...and every year he could still manage to go down his mom's house and scare the heck out of her...and the kids would laugh their little heads off...funny how things can change like this...as Adam got older, he never lost his fascination with Halloween...he'd play the "Monster Mash" for his friends, and sing "Disco Vampire" ...he'd dress up ghetto and call himself "Mike Rambo"....he did this all throughout his high school career and everyone looked forward to this annual event he did. I know how I struggle and I still wonder what others...like Rambo are thinking...how they are missing my son and the silliness he easily projected....I wonder all of the time how empty so many others must feel and I too, feel sad for their sadness....tonight will be the first night in my adult life...that my lights will be out at our house...I'm simply just too sad yet to let my heart ache anymore that it already does...I'm hoping God allows me strength to get through these next torturous months...and that perhaps he has new plans for me....I hope those kids running up my steps to find I'm not there...understand my decision this year....

I heard her voice, quivering on the other end of the phone...the weakness of tone...something terrible has happened...she lost her son...just like me. I could tell she was in that early phase as I had been...as I remember that web of numbness encompassing me...sort of unable to fully take in the full depth of all that has happened to her...and her family. She was sent to me by another...for guidance...that perhaps I could hold her hand and guide her through some of this unbelievable sadness...I look back and think of the few parents who did reach to me...I must admit, it was extremely frightening...I wanted them to tell me all positive things...things that would make me more optimistic...but what I kept hearing was how cruel life had been...how the pain remains....unrelentingly at first but somehow through time...it's harshness begins to dissipate into more of an uncomfortable ache...that lingers...or at least so I find it that way...
but I said to Teddy, I don't want to scare her...so I'll only tell her little bits...and I'll let her hold onto Hope...because like us...we do hold onto Hope. I told her to stay close to those who love her...to allow herself time to mourn and grieve...to not set time frames...because no one can predict when the dismal clouds will lift...I shared with her my rituals...how I find comfort in being with those who loved my son...how I love being surrounded by good people...I feel better not being alone...I told her to keep busy...because being busy is good for anyone...and That I'll pray for her...along with all the prayers I pray each day...to someday figure out why...mom's like us...lose our kids?

Death...is nothing at all...I have only slipped away into the next room...I am I...and you are you...
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are....call me by my old familiar name...speak to me in the easy way which you always used...put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow....laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together....play, smile and think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was...let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval , somewhere very near...just around the corner...all is well....

I love you Adam....I will always be your mom...and you will always be my son....

Joshua Radin - Brand New Day (Lyrics)

me......

Hope...basically it's one of the only things I'm here left with...and sometimes people who don't know the right things to say tell me things like "you'll never be the same person again", "this will change you forever", "you'll never feel the same way"....almost extinguishing any hopes that I'll be the "me" I was before...the bright, caring and funny person I was when my son Adam was here with me...and as I ponder...I wonder why? Why do people tell me these things? Personally I cannot imagine saying something that hurtful...perhaps it's that I've always weighed the words I planned to say before they left my lips...the compassion that truly bloomed within me...
it's like telling a person they have cancer and it will follow them the rest of their life...who does that? Hurtful words...maybe because so many people are so used to seeing and watching the demise of a family...a relationship...or a love when a child passes away....perhaps "those in view" had no further purpose...or perhaps they believed those same words passed onto them like those spoken to me...only thing is "they believed it and succumbed to what they heard"....it's like the kid in school who is told they'll never amount to anything...they begin to believe it...and most often...they grow into troubled people...those who know me...and those who know me well must agree that "me" before losing Adam....lived life in the stars, the optimism I held onto was so high...and me now? I'm still the same....I want to yell and scream it...I'm not harsh, or bitter or mean...I'm still that same person...the love that exudes from me is still oozing daily...into the lives of others that I touch. I still value friendships...I still reach out to Adam's friends...I want to be me...I want the air to remain full in my sails...I want my glass to remain half-full...I just want to be me...

I found three violets on Sunday, Ted was waiting for me to get into the car for church...I hesitated because while looking down into the grass I saw three slivers of purple which turned out to be quite odd...three simple little violets still in bloom on a cool October day...I mentioned this to Teddy and he agreed about how unusual that they'd be in bloom now...how rare...I smiled and said "Adam probably sent them for me...one for each of us here...me, you and Jordan...I looked really close for other ones but that was it...no more. Today as I was leaving for work...not far away from those other three flowers was one little violet...all by itself, intermingled in the grass...and I thought "that's Adam's flower", he's not with us but he's not as far away as we'd think...my mother-in-law tells me all of the time that he's always one step behind me...seeing that little flower almost hidden away, I thought "she's right", he's right behind us....holding back tears thoughts of my son picking those same simple little flowers for me, a bouquet from his heart...happy thoughts...cherished moments...I miss you Adam....

Dear Adam,

Yesterday as i was driving, I had classical music on the radio...it was so mellow and soothing and as I had my hands on the wheel, my thoughts were on you....endless thoughts....and for a moment I felt it...like you were right there sitting next to me...it was so surreal but as I drove along this lengthy gloriously colored tree lined road I noticed no other cars around...the road I traveled was dotted with fallen leaves in brilliant shades of rust and gold....and there was a peaceful silence outside...only the beautiful sounds of the classical music playing were heard....and as I drove...on that road...the quiet county stretch that I took you on to learn how to drive a few years back...remembering how happy you'd been that we took that time together...it's me now in the driver's seat...I'm traveling along each day with hopes you're there beside me...

Friendships...boy am I glad I put lots of work into them over the years because right now I'm needing friends big-time...my friend JC and her husband have been wonderful to Teddy and I and Jordan....she wrote this to me this morning...
Lori....I recently saw a quote that suits our relationship..."Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest. It's about who came, and never left your side." We will never leave your side...We love you and your family....
And for those who visited Faithfully or those who came by briefly...those who called now and then....for those who sent well wishes through others...it all meant so very...very much. Those kind and gentle gestures are like life support to me and my family right now. When a really bad moment hits me...I think of those "friendships" and somehow make it through...today I am thankful for people like JC

Dear Adam,
Some days I am simply at a loss...in so many ways. I am lost at feeling much of anything. I miss you so much. I understand that life goes on...and that unless you're in my shoes right now, it's an impossible idea to even imagine how sad we all are...I'm ashamed of myself...for not realizing that others who suffered through similar events struggled like this...that I, too...perhaps thought back then that "things became alright" after months passed by. Never did I realize the emptiness that would linger another lifetime with their loved one's passing. The music of life stops...everyone seems to continue dancing and our steps seem motionless...laughter and levity seem a thing I remember before you passed away...when will I "feel" again? Perhaps some other feeling than the pains that press upon my heart?

"Deep faith is paranoia turned inside out.... It allows us to trust ourselves and others even if we and they have proven untrustworthy in the past"....

Dear Adam,
Another season to face...many obstacles in this "year of firsts"...Autumn had arrived sporting it's most magnificent splendor...the gorgeous colors that tint the leaves of the trees surrounding your new home...recent rains had many leaves and branches scattered all around the grounds...Hazel continues to trot boldly around the cemetery...it's become her backyard...I hear the crunch her paws make on the dried leaves as she races about...she always runs to your spot...we marvel at that...we marvel at so much...I found her in your bedroom today...I could swear your door was closed....but when I got back in from my errands...it was she who was lying on your bedroom floor...I wonder if she misses you, too...your scent is still noted in your room....sometimes I'll get a whiff of your cologne...I miss the way you smelled...so fresh and clean...I miss how you'd pick me up and spin me around...the silliness you so easily displayed...how can this be...that my life continues without you? It's so difficult...I question God in many ways but I also thank God for so much....today I was thanking him for Lisa...you adored her...and she loved you very much. She is there for me...unstoppable...my weakness is supported through the strength her friendship gives...please give me strength...please guide me through this...for the ups and downs are so unpredictable....

The Weepies - Can't Go Back Now

Dear Adam...

Fall....your favorite time of the year....times of fun, fantasy football...cheering for Notre Dame and the 49er's...the briskness of the air you loved...driving around enjoying the chill of the evening air...months continue to pass us by and I do believe with each page turned on our calendar, we somehow miss you even more...life is different now...none of us feels complete...

but we somehow get through our days. I am grateful for so much. As much as I want to feel bitter or horrible, I know in my heart that none of this was meant to be...and that punishing myself or anyone else is not the key. I also know and remember well how good life felt at one point...8 months ago when you where still here with us. And I ponder....and linger....on those very thoughts...of happiness and contentedness...on our values...the love we all shared...our zest for life....perhaps because I knew those things well...I'll be able to find some of that once again.

And those thoughts...or at least thoughts like those keep me afloat. Each day the single most factor that has helped me go on is envisioning Pop beside you. It's the sheer and single piece of Hope that carries from me from one day to the next...and it's a Peaceful thought and sight inside my mind....of Pop holding his hand out to yours as you grasped on tightly to keep him company in Heaven...

Positivity doesn't just change the contents of your mind... . It widens the span of possibilities that you see.....

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle....Plato

My blogging is sporadic and I seldom post twice a day but I came across this quote...one I knew for a long time...but truly did not fully understand until now...oh, if only more people could read this and think about that simple statement before saying things that are hurtful to others...
thankfully, people have mostly said "the right things lately" but now and then someone will say something that feels like a knife pulling through my flesh...yes....battles...we all have them...right now mine seems unsurmountable...but I do see that I am making my way back up the hill...

Dear Adam,
I have trouble sleeping...these bad dreams haunt me...intermittently...I wake up frightened and realize it was a nightmare that interrupted my restful slumber...I curl up each night, beside your dad...and close my eyes tightly and pray that you'll visit my dreams...and now and then you will...small bits of memories past...I awake and feel the chill that is now in the air...the darkness and gloom of yet another rainy day...and like Jordan and Ted...place my feet on the floor and try and go on with my day...like other people do...go along with their busy lives...wrapping themselves up in what they see as important...me, I'm just trying to fit in....taking each day as it presents itself and learning to cope with this new norm...

"hat" sandwiches...and other oddities like that...the stuff that made you laugh...made us laugh.
I was making an egg sandwich for myself this morning and all I had left were the 2 ends of the loaf of bread...as you'd call them, the "hats". You would never eat the "hat" and we'd laugh...you would grow annoyed how Hontzy would eat "hat sandwiches" made from just those ends...and how fussy you could be...so many idiosyncrasies with eating...it amazed us...because you had so many! But I can easily remember the stuff you did love...the soups I made...the unusual sausage soup you'd brag about to your buddies...the creations that Dad and I would make...the desserts you'd want to share with all your friends...I remember how you'd make food on the grill in the middle of the night, Dad and I would awaken to the fragrance of meat grilling at 2 a.m. only to discover you'd been making up a feast for you and your buddies...and Jordan, of course. I remember how he'd pay you to cook for him...ahhh...loving memories...as I put the "hat" together to encase my egg and cheese, I thought of you...and how much I miss your silliness....your smile....your happy nature....and "hat sandwiches".....

Dear Adam,
Maggie came to visit me this afternoon, it was so nice seeing her smiling face...I made gourmet coffee and we sat and chatted...she brought along Tiff and BB...and I held myself together nicely...I want them to keep coming back....I want to feel normal and be able to talk with them and enjoy the time they took to spend with me...and I did...with my tears held back we smiled as we thought back on time. Your friend Smizzle's fiance put that into perspective for me the other night through our frequent face book exchanges....that we need to let guilt float away...that none of this is anyone's fault...no one expected this...things like this don't happen...although somehow it did...but rather than cast stones at ourselves and drive ourselves mad, we need to preserve what we have left...the amazing memories of your life. I pray all of the time...I ask God to lead me in a direction that best serves a purpose I am intended for...and I wait with patience like no other...so with a maddening pace, I continue to make my soups and preserve my vegetables...people ask me where I get the energy from...and I tell them it's something I need to do. I can be busy and keep my mind well...or sit back on a chair and stay stagnent...I chose the first choice...again, each thought....each day is to honor you...your memory....and to take care of the brother you left behind...I love you....and somehow, I know you're looking over me...I have this feeling....often that you're right beside me...I feel your pain...the longing for me to find Peace....and sadness of no "goodbyes"...the error of a split second mistake...

Catherine Edwards (wife of senator John Edwards) once described losing her son Wade in comparison to suffering an amputation...very similar thoughts have been shared by me...I can totally relate ...the loss of my son is comparable to that...and much more...it's a task that is unattainable, to fully share the woe and heartache felt by losing a child...but thinking about that sort of loss makes people understand better...at least I think they could...if someone loses an appendage, people don't ask months or years later, are you over losing your leg? No one would say that...but there are people who would ask without thinking "are you over the loss of your son yet"...yes, it's true, it happens...the loss that the amputee feels is lifelong...the phantom pains that accompany it...looking at the piece of what their life is missing...day in and day out...that's us...as we look for signs of Adam...but there are none...all the pictures in the world...or the wonderful tales can't bring him back to life...you can't see my loss...because all my parts are still in place...but deep inside my heart is a huge emptiness that Adam's life had once filled...someone told me tonight "that though we've never met in this lifetime...His love is like a ripple in a pond, I have seen it spread and touch my heart"....my son had that affect on others...I miss him...his special gift...and the love he gave so freely....

"God doesn't want us merely to 'get through' our problems. He wants us to 'grow through' them"....growth...infancy to childhood into young adulthood...and that's how far we had our son...
we watched him grow...did all that we could, or at least did what we thought would be best...I was his age when I had my family completed...imagine, a mom of two by 22...I had so much to learn...so much more "growing up" to do myself at that point, but two little reasons (actually two really big reasons) made me strive to become a good mom...and a good human being. So I learned how to grow through those obstacles that stood in our pathways over the years...a head full of assorted knowledge...many mistakes made...many lessons learned...sometimes I get overwhelmed...the other day I had to drop labwork off at the urgent care center for a patient of mine...the waiting room was lined with sick people...a small tow-headed boy with full rosy cheeks was crying for his mommy and all I could do was swallow hard...that was me...I was "mommy"...like so many of us mothers....thankfully, those like me, who've lost a child are far and few between...but the sad few of us that are here...have to deal with that constant torture...the flashes of memories...the hurt...the longing...the ongoing looks from others that question "where we are" in our progress...no matter how I try and shake the sad memories of that dreadful night...it'll sneak up on me when I least expect it...growth....yes...we're growing...in many ways...things I would have never pondered...are pondered now...accepting the hands of those who want to walk alongside me...I just want this pain to go away...but I see it's going to live there a long time...

scars...

I could yell....I could scream...stomp my feet...throw things or sit and cry my eyes out...but none of these things have helped me...and when the bad days hit me, they hit me hard...
and the unpredictability of when these moments are going to strike continue...Ted and I...and Jordan...we're survivors...we didn't ask to be survivors...and it's not something we ever thought about...Jordan put it into words when he penned a note on Adam's Face book wall last night...heartbroken I read and reread his words...a story of a saddened young man mourning the loss of his brother..."The worst part of my days are the nights. Especially the nights when I just sit down in the den by myself. I often find myself about to say something to you like you're sitting on the couch across from me, but catch myself before I do. Or I hear somebody coming down the stairs, and for a split second, I wonder if it's ...you whose coming down to hang out with me. As sad as all of that sounds, I still feel like your presence is there, even if it isn't in the physical form. Please continue to help guide me through the bullshit and chaos that has been these past 7 months. Somehow, I still remain positive about life and keep trying my best to go forward. If it isn't you that's helping me to do that, then just let me continue being foolish and naive. Something tells me that it isn't the latter though. Rest in Peace Brotha. You were always my biggest fan, and I will always be yours...", his words made me cry...his words gave me some momentary peace...all I know is this hurt is unlike anything else...I wonder how helpless friends often feel...watching us in the worst of times...like visualizing someone you love spiraling down a lengthy staircase, hitting each step on the way down and being unable to rescue them from that fall...and still...we survived...barely....but the scars that remain...will be there through our lifetime...

Resentment...my sister told me she feared I may grow resentful should I return to working in the Hospice field once again...and before my return, I did ponder that same thought...now, since my return to work, I can honestly say I never yet have felt that feared emotion...I'm not resentful because I feel their pain...what they feel is so alike what my heart feels...they have time to think about what is foreseen...and then they face their demise...my heart goes out to them...I'm still not able to be there during a death...and I'm not sure how I ever will be...because of what I endured...but I am so glad that resentment wasn't something I felt...

Oh yeah, life goes on....long after the thrill of living is gone, wow...powerful words...and the funny thing is I read those words everyday....words from a song from my "growing up years", in fact I was in high school when that song was released...and I loved that song, I loved John Cougar Mellencamp...back then he went by only one last name...those words are painted on a small piece of slate that two of Adam's buddies placed at his grave site...along with a great black and white photo of Adam...which through the past 7 months of sun, rain, wind and weather...has almost faded away completely...but those words remain vivid...and last night...it struck me, the intensity of what those simple lyrics mean...at least to me...perhaps in our lives...we really only "live" so long and "exist" most of the other times...I think Adam lived in each moment...that he embraced life fully...I have to tell myself things like that or else I'll dwell in sadness...I want to believe that while he was here, with us, that he loved life...and that now...he's surrounded by Peace and watching over all of us here...trying to live on...long after the thrill of having him....is gone....

"We are never so lost that our angels cannot find us"....

Dear Adam...

Yesterday was our church picnic...it was a big day for me...big steps...seeing so many people all at once and trying to feel somewhat normal as I helped in this event...and yes, again I met another goal, the little steps forward continue at my own pace, but these steps are achieved and are solid...I stood at the dessert stand and watched your father scurry about...his commitment apparent...I watched the seriousness in his face, the passion in all he does...I sometimes wonder if anyone else knows how great he is...the man he...over the years has become? A friend mentioned to me...how Ted has aged over the past several months...it seemed his hair went from dark blond to gray overnight...the lines of stress now trace his handsome face...he puts on a good show...but he is so sad inside...we both are. We look around some days...thinking this was all a very horrible dream and that you'll appear...but you don't...when you first passed, it didn't seem real...I would secretly wish I had a stroke...or was in a coma...and that I'd wake up and this had all been a long nightmare...some of your friends told me they pretend you're still here...and that they just haven't seen you in awhile...not accepting the reality is easier they tell me...and I suppose that's why some of your closest friends stay at a distance...each day brings different emotions...not only for me...but for so many others who loved you...even those who barely knew you seem to want to have known you...and even those sweet souls have touched our lives by the caring they've shown....people may enter our lives briefly...momentarily....as perhaps an orchestrated task from above...but it's purposefulness is overwhelming...and those who keep coming back...to make sure we're okay...that helps us through the most difficult of days.....

Lucky? Can I ever feel lucky again? I guess that can be a question placed under the "will I ever belly-laugh again, or ever feel truly happy again" list...along with the many other things I'll surely question in the future...but upon thinking further...I am lucky I have some of the friends that I have....or else I'd probably still be in bed right now...Adam wasn't lucky often, again, it was something he'd joke about...he often would lose in card games...be ahead in online poker only to lose big in the end...stuck with his teams on a friendly bet and then have to pay back...
Luck? Ted and I were never lucky either...we'd had some tough breaks over the years....but those tough breaks never got us down, because no matter how bad the "thing" we were going through was...somehow, we'd think "well, we have each other and we have these two great boys, so we're lucky there"...lucky? We see life in a completely different way...nothing is the same...
and as far as luck goes...I see there is no such thing. Life is a risk...death chooses who it may...and we can pray...go to church...profess our devotions...we can serve...we can feed our bodies, souls and minds...and lead purposeful lives...and still, we are plucked or afflicted with things we simply cannot understand...good people developing sad illnesses...accidents that scoop up a life in a moment...and we can rack our brains around it all trying to figure out the whys and never conclude it...it almost makes someone think...why bother anymore? Jordan and I talked deeply about this one...multiple times...but I have to agree with my knowledgeable boy...when he said "let's not lose the Faith Mom....cause even if we continue to lead good lives until the day we die...and we were wrong about everything...and nothing is what we had believed...or were taught...what bad would come out of living that way?"...I guess I'm lucky I can understand from where he speaks...lucky I'm still holding onto my Faith...holding onto what's left....

Dear Adam....
So much has changed here in the last seven months...our activity and movements could be easily compared to slow motion...arms and legs dragging with exaggerated movements...even the way we talked...slower and more quiet...thought processes.....delayed...our minds...consumed with the sadness of missing you. Time doesn't heal...for the ache I feel is still painfully there....a vivid reminder each waking moment that I lost my son...a piece of my heart is gone forever and all the memories and pictures could not even begin to refill the hollow that lives there now...but for those who aren't aware...they'd be surprised about the progress our family has made...because we had to...we either had to move ahead and gain strength or be swallowed into a world where the weak wilt away...I've done new things...like learned how to make pickles...and homemade salsa...I've made some new friends...surprised many by returning to my work...and ended up feeling happier being a nurse for a few hours versus dwelling in my own tears...I learned to be the family barber...okay, I'm still perfecting that skill...and honed my writing skills...I've been reading many books....and leaving my home open to others who need encouragement...as we cry together...thing is...I think you'd be proud of me...of us...of how we know our family must live on...in someway...even though you're not physically with us...honey, I take you with me each day...I know Dad and Jordan do also...as we drive along...as we perform our tasks...as we lie in bed at night, we all think of you and the beauty you gave our lives by having touched them in the unique way you lived and loved...last night, cousin Jen's kids stayed with us for a few hours...and we had so much fun...when they left I reflected on how much I loved that role...being a mom...and how easily it all comes to me...and the joy I feel with those kids around me...that I have so much more to give...I hope my journey keeps kids flourishing around us...I have so much more to give...

I read something that Sheryl Crow stated somewhere...sometime ago... "We talk about defining moments, but I think nothing can define you. They're all refining moments. You're constantly refining yourself and refining your life"...I liked that...it sounds hopeful and inspiring... and that's what my family needs right now, some little bits of Hope and that something will happen...in time, to allay this heaviness that we all feel upon our hearts. I am learning to redefine "me"...and as I watch Jordan and view Ted, I can see their little strides toward progress, as well as my own...it's truly not fair...that we have to work so hard, to overcome this terrible grief that was cast upon us, like a rug swiftly ripped from beneath our feet without warning...but when it comes down to it...what are our alternatives? To live on with bitter hearts...to end life...and ruin others? Or to face each day with a redefining optimism searching for a purpose to live on and strive for...my own disappointments will always trail me...but through the many mistakes I made since birth, I learned much from each of them...the mistakes I made taught me life's lessons and helped mold me into the person I am today...the person who others feel easily close to...I'm learning each day...and I'm holding tightly to that optimism that is out there somewhere...I'm refining and redefining all of the time...I'm doing this for my sons...the one I can hold in my arms and the other who lives in my heart...

Dear Adam,

I wonder what life is like for you in Heaven...Dad and I try to imagine what you see...if you watch us...can see us day by day...we wonder what you'd try and tell us...if you could.....

we talk about you each day...it's a bit of peacefulness we share...the two of us as we chat about fun times or happy moments shared with you...the love we held onto as your parents...

thank God I have your father...and he is grateful I am there for him. Jordan is supportive and loving...but no one understands the loss of a child better than the other parent...and the two of us share a special bond...some people drift when something like this happens...our love has grown even deeper....I know Adam, that's hard to imagine...because our love ran so deeply before...but we take care of each other...we're weathering these difficult moments...one day at a time...

I told your dad that I am moving steps ahead each day with my life...and he smiled....I keep thoughts of you and how much pride you took in me...as your mom, as a nurse, as a person....

I did everything I felt was right and good in life...and somehow, I still lost you...

but like I told Dad tonight, thankfully we have good minds...and bright insight...we're smart....and we both want to work together to somehow "live on"....although life will never be the same...because our tremendous loss...the absence of you....will always live in the shadows of everyday...we need to face the sun and allows it's brillance to lead us...once again....because that is what you would want for us...

Caitlin & Will - Address In The Stars

....I slept well last night...and dreamed dreams so calming, I dreamt of Rachael...and then of Adam...she was an angelic person in the dream, she saw my sadness and opened up a box of "live memories" and I was able to spend time with my son once again....we walked on a beach, our feet kicking up white sand as I held his small hand....watching big waves cast up frothy tides of water lapping at our toes...he may have been around age seven....another image was me pulling him in a red wagon....he appeared very young with a head full of golden blond curls and unending laughter as I pulled him up a hill....and the dream would go on with such comforting memories...
I saw myself laughing, I viewed the complete and utter happiness that overflowed in myself, I saw Rachael smile at me...the soothing look of her eyes as they met mine. Something special....about Rachael...it was always there between us. She'd have me believe I was her role model, I'd second guess that, sometimes I think she'd been one to me...the face of an angel with a heart so sincere...if there was a way to show me some Peace, I know she'd have gone as far as she could to get me some comfort...to ease this pain...I'm glad I had my dream...I'm glad I met Rachael....Jordan's and Adam's friend since grade school....I'm glad she liked us...and stood by us...and understands me...I love you Rachael...always and forever

Dear Adam,

I've skipped some days nows, journaling my thoughts occurs less often. It's not that I don't think about you a million times a day....because I do...or that I lack the words....the feelings or the memories to write...because I truly possess that capability...it's just I'm trying to feel better.

Your dad and I are trying to keep our heads up and stay focused on this new life we have to keep on living. We don't care at all what anyone elses views or expectations are...because we're healing the way that feels best for us...and we're healing for you, Adam...because we need to...

We cried a lot this afternoon, reading through the cards that people lovingly penned to us...almost 7 months ago....our mailbox overfilled with letter and cards...we...in a fog then, remembered little of what was jotted on each note...overwhelmed with tears...we read them again until our crying blurred our eyes so much we couldn't read any further...and on and on again...was that same, simple statement..."he always made me smile"....repeatedly written in various versions...from all different people...remembering your smile...and how happy you'd always been...and as Dad and I held hands on our daily stroll down St. Kevin Lane...to say our prayers to you...we smiled as we thought how wonderful your smile had truly been...and how lucky we, as parents had been to have had such a happy son...and that you'll always be remembered for something so significant...I wonder what we'd be remembered for....many people live long lives...meaningless and empty...years filled with mediocrity and sheer existence...unhappy souls living day to day...

your life wasn't like that...and ours won't be that way either...

a mother's arms....

....ahhh....twenty five years ago today, I remember that day with near perfect recollection, it was another day in time...when my life took on a whole new meaning...I became a mother...I was elated...for you see, all I truly aspired to be....ever...was a really good mom someday. I think back on being a small girl and daydreaming in church, I dreamt of marrying the man of my dreams...and having two children. My dream mimicked many other girls dreams I'm sure...but mine came true...Jordan was perfect...Ted and I laid him on my hospital bed and looked at his little fingers and toes...we marvelled at how soft his pink skin was and how bright and active he appeared...to us...he was perfect...and all through his growing up years we continued to marvel at who he became...the man he is now. It's hard to believe that so much time has elapsed since I was that scared, young girl waiting with labor pains to deliver my child...but all those fears...and all of the pain was gone in an instant once the nurse handed me my baby and he lay nestled in my arms...the arms of a mother...the arms that have always held him over the years...through good times, hard times, in times of sickness and in times of utter woe....In my arms...these same arms, I held my other son as he left me and went to be with God...a mother's arms...

When things are good, say good things. When things are bad, say twice as many good things....

Dear Adam,
Today was such a beautiful day. I think of you when I see the sun shine brightly, or when a thousand butterflies pass by me on the trails...as I look into the clouds...my memories remind me of you and I staring up into that same blue sky together...countless times and envisioning what each cloud reminded us of...
As I stand at the stove and cook...I think of you passing through my kitchen and watching me stir...taking in the fragrance of deliciousness you'd tell me...
I miss you...but my focus now is on healing...and putting the sadness on the back burner and embracing the better times we shared...and there certainly had been so many...I know you want me to heal...to laugh and be silly...to be the mom you were absolutely crazy about...you'd teasingly tell me that you were special...because you were the baby...you certainly had a specialness about you...as did your brother...
How can my heart heal? I guess I just need to keep going...and that's what I've been doing...I want to live for you Adam...I want the dreams you've dreamt to come true...I don't want to wilt, I want to blossom...keep sending those positive thoughts to me...I love you...forever....

Melpo Mene Live : I adore you

Adam...this one reminds me of you....

mend...

mend...repair...restore by replacing a part or putting together what is torn or broken; someone dear told me she knows I need to mend...I liked that phase...I felt like pieces of me had been torn apart when all of this happened with my son, people who deal with loss described what happened to us as being "blind sighted"...this sudden act of being "blind sighted" is the most severe way of receiving loss...
so many obstacles followed...many months of questions, what ifs, many whys? But the bottom line is nothing can be turned back...there'll never be a rewind button...I'll never get to tell Adam so many of the things I yearned to tell him over the next years we planned as our lifetime together...but I am clear enough to see that I need to "mend" this broken heart...I need to be the person that Adam loved immensely. I finally realized what happened had absolutely nothing to do with me...or my parenting...or my failures. I had a dream that Adam told me I was the best...I know if God would allow him one minute to communicate with me, he would tell me he screwed up...that it wasn't Teddy or I and that he never wanted any of this to happen. I still see my son...in everything around me...as I picked apples with Teddy and Jordan yesterday, I almost felt Adam's presence with me...as we hiked the old Switchback Trail today and sat gazing off into the beautiful overlook...I felt like he stood aside me...taking in the lovely view as I did. Two full days...no monkey on my back...I miss him terribly...and I am certain I always will...my heart and soul won't ever be the same...but I'm still me...and I look at Ted and Jordan, our little family...and realize we're survivors...and we need to stay strong...we need to mend...for Adam's sake...and for the sake of all those who love us and care about us...

...somehow I let go today...at least for one day...released myself of the monkey that's been riding on my back for over 6 months now...the monkey jumped off but who knows if he'll be back again tomorrow? I had some really good talks with some really awesome friends...I see what Adam saw...or felt in his heart-to-hearts...my mood lifted since yesterday...the unending support of others somehow raises me when I'm down low...got to be strong...need to be that person that Adam loved so much...got to be me again...

....the start of football season....the start of Fall, oh how Adam loved the Fall and all it had to offer. Jordan's sadness was apparent...or shall I say more apparent than usual today, I saw he posted a sad note on Adam's face book wall...I feel my loss all of the time, I sometimes wonder if my own self's sadness prevents me from truly seeing how sad the others who loved Adam are? Ted and Jordan went away for a few hours...to watch the game with friends...something the trio of men in my life had done for years...they'd take turns hosting Notre Dame football gatherings to eat and drink and merrily argue over the game...and if you wanted to attend on of these gatherings, you'd need to cheer for the Irish...he brushed tears away this evening...it was extremely difficult for him...for you see, Adam wasn't there...to see the Irish win...to be among those friends...I often ask him dumb questions...awhile back I asked him how many times in a day he thought about Adam...tonight he brought that up...he said Lori, remember when you asked me that question? He told me "I think of him once a day...from the time I open my eyes until they close again at night"...and that one time is endless...he doesn't say much...I guess it's a man's way, to keep things inside...and to refrain from upsetting me...he's the one who calms me...he's my rock...he's hurting inside...I wish I could heal the pain he feels...how selfish I feel...with my mind clearing...I think of how he must struggle through his days...the facade he must put on...walking up and down those halls...the halls his son four years ago had graced...riding on the mowers that cut the football field, the same field we used to watch our sons play football upon and that Adam and Jordan joyfully had stood as Homecoming court members...the rush of memories of the child he loved so much...lost so suddenly...the way Adam visits him at night in his dreams...dreams that are confusing...I pray for Peace...I pray for us...I pray for Adam....may he always know the love we held inside our hearts...and ease his father's pain...yes, tonight I plea for Teddy's Peace...

Tracy Chapman - fast car Video

I loved her music, you hated it...except for this song, we both agreed it was awesome...

Dear Adam,
.....I know many people have been so kind to pray for us. I do have a strong Faith...I go to Mass weekly, I never miss...you'd be proud of how hard I am trying... I get such strength from it. Even shortly after you passed, I found a Catholic church in Hazleton that I attended until I felt strong enough to attend our own. I have met with others who lost kids...I met with clergy and chaplains...I go to grief therapy and have met with our workplace Psychologist....all great attempts to get on and stay on the right track. It's a lonesome battle...but each day, I do get up...I go through my rituals and go off to care for the sick. I never stopped caring...thank God for that. I am just so wounded...and I (more often lately) don't want to keep talking about my loss....it seems to make me even sadder. So I blog, pray, walk and try and circulate and surround myself with people who truly care...and it's so sad that I see and hear from others who are in "fear" of being around us...imagine that...me and dad stricking uncertainty with anyone? I know it's because they fear they'll say the wrong thing...or maybe think this could actually happen in their own lives...which it could. Our home was as normal as normal could get...I wish things become normal someday...again, you fill my every thought and I love you forever...my life now is different but the imprints you've left upon my heart will live on eternally....

Dear Adam,
I slept horribly last night...tossing and turning, bad dreams...wicked ones actually...and then I awake and face that daily challenge...life.
I trick myself into normalcy by going into my little perfunctory rituals to "get through" the day, and somehow...the days are turning into weeks and months and I am breathing...so many days and nights I wished that I could be where you are. I know that Dad felt like that, too...and probably Jordan but I guess it's not the plan...what is the plan? I ponder still...I wish I knew which path to take. Days are filled with tasks I assign myself...making cakes and soups for those I love...trying to outpour love to those I take care off...all to keep my mind busy and away from overfilling with sorrow...and then I remember..."when you feel down, look up. God is there with you"...and I'll let him lead me along...and He does...

...I've been thinking a lot about stories...your story in life...and my story now...the days pass by like pages turning in a novel...my life, the easy read it once was...is now sad and dismal. I often feel quieter and even more reserved...at times I don't want to tell my story and sometimes when I do, I wonder if the listener tires of hearing that same sadness so I'll often not talk at all...yes, imagine that one Adam...telling your stories in my blog has become a release...and a way I can remember you in the brightest light. Your story now will follow me...there will always be deep sighs by those who hear your name and are saddened by your absence and there'll be others who as we, your family pass by...will sigh again and feel sorrow for the life we live now...your stories of past were magical...my book if written would be penned full of tales about my love of you and Jordan, the fulfillment I received from being your mother...and being your friend. I loved being a part of that circle, the fact that you included me in your happiness...that your friends loved us, too...over the years I've expressed countless times when I would say "I love my life" because of all the joy and happiness our family has shared...and those pages in life are still turning...some days hold better moments than others, much like a book we read...sometimes I skim over the ones that confuse me...my story now will follow me into life becoming an old lady. You used to laugh at that thought, teasingly you'd tell me you'd never change my diaper as I got old...and again, together we'd laugh with smiles so big that our bellies ached...
the book of your life opens each day and brings back memories with it...I never know which chapter will randomly open...yesterday it was a memory of you and the super ball machine...I was eating a salad at a small eatery when a small boy was shaking a super ball machine...and of course, the memory of you as a little boy surrounded me...I saw your little blond head and the urgency you'd feel to put quarters in that machine till you got the special color you insisted upon...well, I happened to have some quarters with me...and that little boy walked away with several super balls yesterday...I miss you Adam...I still haven't a clue why I don't have you anymore...the day you died the book of life closed tightly....the memories I have are dog-eared through and through...someday, I'll muster strength to write a story to you...about the life you shared with us...the family who misses so much...

"Hiding pain requires an enormous amount of energy; sharing it is liberating"....I was always a very strong person...pain was something I rarely felt in times before my loss...I was also pretty good at hiding inner stresses...and looking back, those "inner stresses" had been fairly small if ever at all...so that was an easy thing to tuck aside...but now...my loss...my son...my heartache....few moments can pass that his beautiful face isn't in a thought or remembrance that I'm having. When I talk to others, they all know "where" I am in this situation that was cast at me...I'm taking my time, my own time to heal and I've never hidden my pain or the feelings that accompany it. A friend of Jordan and Adam's sat and talked with me Saturday night and he said he sees me heal...he told me I'm an easy read...but when he watched Jordan and Teddy over these past six months, the facade they put on pretending "they're alright" was very transparent. I guess with men, they possess an innate thing about themselves that they try and pretend they're doing well...when in actuality, they're in little pieces just like me...we all miss Adam...we all analyze or at least try and analyze why him? We could go mad trying to see if we did anything wrong or could have changed anything, because we can't...I guess through these months of struggling we've learned to forgive ourselves...self realization points to us being a good family, I've let go of blame..... for you see, I no longer blame "me". I know how much I loved and adored my son...there was no love lacking that caused this tremendous mistake...his dad and I loved him fully and met each of the needs we honestly felt a son needed...the direction we placed upon him was good and honest and we wholeheartly felt we'd live and love together as a family the rest of our lives...well, life took a sudden change in the wee hours of February 20th...and the friends who loved our son, who loved us also...continue to trickle through our home with words so profound and messages so heartfelt that my healing continues through that love. Many have told me they are grateful for our family's love and direction...one lovely girl told me I set nice examples that helped form her into the woman she now is...so failure isn't what I see myself as. I didn't fail Adam...nor did he fail me...we loved each other with every piece of our being and I will gladly take this pain...if it helps me heal...if it helps me remember our love...forever

...Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom...

Dearest Adam,
My sweet son, I miss you more than I can even place into mere words...it's difficult...unimaginable loss. My heart will always ache...the emptiness that has replaced all the spaces your life had once filled...the hollowness of our home now...it's still a home...because the rest of us...are still here...but we are lost without you. Please always know the love we held inside of hearts for you and rest comfortably knowing we will always carry you with us in each day that goes on...

Plain White T's - 1234 [Song + Lyrics]

Adam and I really loved this song...these lyrics describe exactly how we felt about each other...Adam, I love you...

It's funny how things happen... you'd have to assume it's some carefully planned and orchestrated way that someone happens to fall right into your life at the moment you feel your most wounded...my ups and downs are still present although the height and depth of each has lessened some...I have some really sad days when my heart feels extra heavy...and through all of this I have learned something deep and true about family...blood means so little...I have redefined family...I suppose, theoretically family is defined as: A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children...and the media and our "learned values" make us sway to envision the stereotypical families we grew up either reading about or watched on t.v. when in actuality, it was usually a pale comparison to family life...for real. When someone doesn't have strong family ties and something like this happens, like what Ted and I experienced...you need a back up plan...if you don't have strong bonds of friendships...you're chance of surviving this dissipates...thankfully, I married young, to the love of my life...who stays in love that long anymore? I could easily fall down upon my knees to profess to the planet how wonderful the man I married is...and ALWAYS was...I look at him and think...I love him and he's mine...his family loved me from the beginning...a "welcoming" felt from the first moment I met then...and they walked beside us...all of our years together...a good family does that...not only in happy times or in times of wealth and good health, but also in times of weakness....feeling lost or in question. My mother-in-law held my hand through the years and Ted's dad held my heart...I feel like "Big Ted" still fills my heart...when I visit Adam, I silently talk with him, too. He was proud of us...of me...of the mere fact that I married his son...what an incredible thing for me to always cherish. He's gone a long time now...and it seems like we miss him more than ever...so thankful are we of the lessons learned from him in the short time we had been lucky enough to have him, but the values he instilled in us have helped us to evolve into the people we have become today...there's no blood line there for me but somewhere, somehow, the lines of love run much deeper than any realm of blood...I am thankful...so thankful that I have them...I am so grateful for the angel who stopped me in the alley last night to make me appreciate things I didn't know anyone else would think of...I thank God for angels who check on me all of the time...and hope that I can be an angel back again and again...to help others in their time...and summing up my new definition of family...it's a group of people whose hearts are filled with love and meaning..and purpose, who hold each other up in times of sadness and rally around each other in times of happiness...unending love and support by people who'd go to the end of the world for you...yes, I like that...

Dear Adam,
Lately, I've been talking to you more than ever...at least in thoughts and prayers...I just miss you so much. Although time is passing and life has regained some normalcy...my mornings still remain the most difficult time. I have so many things I want to talk with you about, you see, you've always been "that person" I could say anything to...I miss sitting on our deck and just talking about random things...I miss hearing your ideas and thoughts on life...I miss most the silly stories you'd tell me, nothing was off limits...you trusted me...with your whole heart...and I fully trusted you right back.
I tried to be "that person" on whom you could depend...even if the world seemed uncertain, it would be me who'd be there for you...forever. Yet it seems like I failed you. I hold so many emotions inside me...so many changes, so much for one poor mom to handle...I want to stay strong so I ask you each day to lead me...and somehow I get through...I remember early February, I was working late...you called me and decided we'd get "Tommies" food...you'd pick it up and we'd sit and talk at the kitchen table for hours that night. I remember discussing the economy...I remember you telling me you were happy at work...I remember putting the coffee on and talking some more...I wish, at that time, I would have known...or saw something...or found a clue, that told me something was awry...but no clues existed...reeling now for six months in a series of whys and what if's that are haunting at times...no relief to my mind fully...I will always live in question of why you didn't talk with me...or why my mind couldn't decipher something was wrong. Or wasn't it? I'm not sure? No one talks about it...but no one speaks ill of you either...at least that's what I'm told. I think when you passed the town stopped breathing for while...sighs of disbelief that someone like you could stop "being"...such a vibrant young man, full of hope and promise...your light extinguished...your voice silenced and all of those who loved you...left behind in the aftermath of an unbelievable occurance.

All people have is hope. That's what brings the next day and whatever that day may bring. A hope grounded in the real world of living, friendship, work, family.
You know, that says it all...and people still look at me, I suppose without fully thinking about what they're saying and state "I don't know what I'd do if what happened to you, happened to us"...and some will go on and say much worse...unknowingly...but again, it comes down to those few little words of inspiration that we must cling to..."hope" is one...and the other is "Faith"...
I hope each day that I become stronger...and I see that I am....I hope each day...that purpose and meaning will continue to fill our hearts, that bitterness will always be somewhere far away from us...that the hope we hold onto will keep all the love we've held inside...continue to be bountiful...that our lives will continue to be enriched by the kindness of others...and that our Faith will affirm our Belief that our son will be around us still...in Spirit and in in memory...and that things will become clearer...that life will allow us to breathe deeply...and that we'll share smiles and laughter and perhaps we can truly feel happiness once again...

Dear Adam...
Since you're gone, I've lost the keen focus that I once possessed...it's hard thinking of things other than you...but we have to...because we need to live...we need to work...and we need to relate. I was trying to do so many things at once yesterday combined with trying to cut Jordan's hair...a new task I've been appointed to...however with what happened yesterday, he may never let me near the clippers again...I thought about you...and how you'd let Hontz shave you down for relief in the summer's heat...I remember last summer and how as he shaved your long locks, he jokingly threatened me that he'd give you a mohawk...yes, and then those remebrances of you and Jordan in the barber chair...freshly shorn little heads, you and he had to have been the sweetest little boys ever...as you'd run out of Harry Carroll's with lollipops and smiles...you called those cuts "moonies"...as I cut Jordan's hair, I accidently let one of the guards slip and the blade went straight to the "moonie" cut...poor Jordan with an unanticipated moonie...overwhelmed by being hectic on top of Jordan telling me how difficult days still tend to be...and me, just trying to "be" the person I am expected to be...mighty big goals I have. He held me later and told me it's fine...I felt so stupid...Dad sat right down after my blunder and said..."go ahead Lori, give me the same cut"...so I did and my two guys with moonies existed once again...although it was Dad who took your place...Walking into church today, a few people laughingly remarked..."looks like you guys lost a bet"...and they just smiled...

....six months have passed us by, life took a pause, clouds parted and we can now visualize a glimmer of the blue sky that we once saw vividly...we search for a rainbow in the distance...the seasons of change have visited the place where our son now lives...from the harsh ice and snow that encapsulated the grounds to the thaw of Spring and the rebirth of flowers and robins...to the brilliant heat of the summer sun...seasons have past...our hearts still pain us with the loss we feel...and I still reflect back on Adam's favorite book, the one I wrote about earlier in time...and I think about Ted and I...and how we are so much like those sad parents desperately trying to fall back into life again and the challenges it presents...yet we do...as we must...to attain some normalcy...although normal isn't what normal once was...nor ever shall be...but more seasons will come and go...and time will continue to place deep voids of space from when we last last saw him...our light...our son...

...it happened, the day was Tuesday, August 17th at around 12:30 p.m. I was at my currently "favorite" patient's home...he and his wife seem to have grown fond of me and my visits....I like going there...partially because they don't know me and I can pretend I'm just some regular nurse and leave my sadness at their doorstep and lose myself in his needs...and it's helping immensely...his wife made me a jar of soup. My heart melted with that simple gesture....she told me since I always bake and cook for them, she wanted to show me how much she appreciates me and my kindness...she looked at me with grandmotherly eyes and said "you don't have any kids, do you Lori?"...I guess she figured out she asked a delicate question when she finished that sentence...I didn't mean to allow my eyes to leak, truly...my lashes batted quickly to hold back the flow...and somehow I managed to answer her...I started with "I have a son...actually I had two sons, I lost my youngest about 6 months ago"...I know she must have apologized ten times for asking before I left and held me in her arms for awhile...grandma's arms...that's what it felt like, warm and soft and cozy...and she smelled like cinnamon and soup...nice, pleasant smell...everything about her made me feel comfortable. I left there and thought to myself, if I was going experience that question for the first time, the most awkward of moments...how glad I was that it was with her. I went back today for it was my time to check on her hubby. She followed me out the door on my departure...again those arms wrapped around me for a hug that seemed endless...as she whispered in my ear, "We love you, Lori"..."we know your son would have had to be wonderful like you"...I'll never forget this woman...her love...and the way she made me feel...
I save quotes and stenciled inspirational quotes on our walls at our Hospice office...I love the one that goes..."They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." No, I'll never forget her...or many other amazing people who have touched my life...and who made me "feel"...once again...

"Love Remains The Same"

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me want to run till' I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

I find a place where we escape
Take you with me for the space
The city buzz sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
The faces seem to blur
They're all the same

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome
It's all left still to play

We should've had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change

I, oh I,
I wish this could last forever
I, oh I,
As if we could last forever

Love remains the same
Love remains the same


....The world is changing, it is fleeting and temporary and so are we and our feelings, thoughts and actions but Love is the one constant, that never changes and is never shaken.....I carry you with me everyday...I see you in things...hear your voice in music...the love I held in my heart for you will never fade...this song reminds me of you...of us...and the ongoing love and devotion I will hold onto...I love you Adam....with all my heart...with all my soul...with every single piece of my being...Life was not life until I had you and Jordan...I pray you help give me strength...in these dark moments...

I've often thought, I'm nobody. Why would God answer my prayers? But God's not impressed by eloquence; he's impressed by our longing for him...in my whole life, I've never felt so close to God...I know another family, or I should say "know of another family" who lost a son, in the same sudden way we lost ours...and I have "picked up" through some communications we've held, that they lost their Faith and I sit and wonder...when Faith is lost...is there anything else? I sat with my boss yesterday, upon reading the results of my annual evaluation...if words on that paper meant little...the impact of what those numbers meant so much more...in mere words I am told that my work, as a Hospice nurse meant much...that my care and professionalism exceeded expectations...all nice in print...it's wonderful that this piece of paper will follow me and help me attain a nice continuance in my profession...but upon reading it and writing feedback...I truly thought about how much "that job...along with the way I lived my life" day-to-day meant to me...it meant so much to be kind to people...for it could be their last days...it meant so much to make someone smile...for that smile might have been well deserved and long coming...it meant so much to ease some of the heartache and pain these people felt...I can see Adam's death did not damper any of those things I feel...although utterly sad I can no longer feel strength to perform fully as a Hospice nurse, I know I will carry those qualities with me...the ones I brought with me to our little office...and whatever path my life is meant to follow...I will, and I will follow in Faith that God will be there for me...as I am longing for His Eternal guidance.