Adam...

Adam...
My Beloved Son

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Uncle Pete...could it be? yes, he certainly is like an uncle to us...a brother-figure to me and to Teddy...and a sort of uncle to Jordan...he's always been there but his role has been greatly refined and defined over the past 8 months...of course he'd be great, he's my best friend's husband, could he be anything else? But as my mind clarified over the months that passed, I see him there...always in the background...ever present...there for me with his little gestures, the little things I would think a brother would be or do for me...little surprises to help keep my mind occupied and my hands busy...fruits and vegetables at my doorstep so Ted and I could "can" in the evenings to sooth our saddened minds...cookbooks and little cooking devices so Ted and I could create more recipes together...all and all healing us through the selfless little things he does...so naturally...and Adam, he loved Pete, although he never called him that...to Adam he was "Chops"...and all through the years Adam would tell everyone that Pete got coined with the absolute best nickname in Jim Thorpe...Adam loved how Pete would come to all his games...loved trick-or-treating at his home because he gave out the best candy in town...loved him 'cause he was "my Lisa's" husband...loved how kind his family had always been to ours...although lately nothing seems to go right in our lives...we do feel Blessed to have an "Uncle Pete" in our lives....

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Trick-or-treat night...yet another of those "firsts" I've been experiencing...can this grow any more difficult? How could a year have passed since last Halloween? I remember a kid knocking at the door and I almost hit the floor with shock for when I saw his costume, I was aghast...he was dressed as a KKK member...I couldn't even speak. Adam and talked about that later...he said what a weird world this was turning into...that someone would let their kid dress up like that. My kids had their share of fun...it was pretty much the same routine yearly, but we all liked it that way. Ted and I felt it was extremely important to "give back"...even way back when....so if our kids were getting treats from others, you could bet we'd have our home open too...so off Ted would go with the kids in tow and I would "let those others in" until Ted would be back with bags of goodies and two very happy (and hyper) little boys...Ted would wear a black sweat suit EVERY year and a scary wolf man mask...and every year he could still manage to go down his mom's house and scare the heck out of her...and the kids would laugh their little heads off...funny how things can change like this...as Adam got older, he never lost his fascination with Halloween...he'd play the "Monster Mash" for his friends, and sing "Disco Vampire" ...he'd dress up ghetto and call himself "Mike Rambo"....he did this all throughout his high school career and everyone looked forward to this annual event he did. I know how I struggle and I still wonder what others...like Rambo are thinking...how they are missing my son and the silliness he easily projected....I wonder all of the time how empty so many others must feel and I too, feel sad for their sadness....tonight will be the first night in my adult life...that my lights will be out at our house...I'm simply just too sad yet to let my heart ache anymore that it already does...I'm hoping God allows me strength to get through these next torturous months...and that perhaps he has new plans for me....I hope those kids running up my steps to find I'm not there...understand my decision this year....

Monday, October 25, 2010

I heard her voice, quivering on the other end of the phone...the weakness of tone...something terrible has happened...she lost her son...just like me. I could tell she was in that early phase as I had been...as I remember that web of numbness encompassing me...sort of unable to fully take in the full depth of all that has happened to her...and her family. She was sent to me by another...for guidance...that perhaps I could hold her hand and guide her through some of this unbelievable sadness...I look back and think of the few parents who did reach to me...I must admit, it was extremely frightening...I wanted them to tell me all positive things...things that would make me more optimistic...but what I kept hearing was how cruel life had been...how the pain remains....unrelentingly at first but somehow through time...it's harshness begins to dissipate into more of an uncomfortable ache...that lingers...or at least so I find it that way...
but I said to Teddy, I don't want to scare her...so I'll only tell her little bits...and I'll let her hold onto Hope...because like us...we do hold onto Hope. I told her to stay close to those who love her...to allow herself time to mourn and grieve...to not set time frames...because no one can predict when the dismal clouds will lift...I shared with her my rituals...how I find comfort in being with those who loved my son...how I love being surrounded by good people...I feel better not being alone...I told her to keep busy...because being busy is good for anyone...and That I'll pray for her...along with all the prayers I pray each day...to someday figure out why...mom's like us...lose our kids?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Death...is nothing at all...I have only slipped away into the next room...I am I...and you are you...
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are....call me by my old familiar name...speak to me in the easy way which you always used...put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow....laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together....play, smile and think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was...let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval , somewhere very near...just around the corner...all is well....

I love you Adam....I will always be your mom...and you will always be my son....

Joshua Radin - Brand New Day (Lyrics)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

me......

Hope...basically it's one of the only things I'm here left with...and sometimes people who don't know the right things to say tell me things like "you'll never be the same person again", "this will change you forever", "you'll never feel the same way"....almost extinguishing any hopes that I'll be the "me" I was before...the bright, caring and funny person I was when my son Adam was here with me...and as I ponder...I wonder why? Why do people tell me these things? Personally I cannot imagine saying something that hurtful...perhaps it's that I've always weighed the words I planned to say before they left my lips...the compassion that truly bloomed within me...
it's like telling a person they have cancer and it will follow them the rest of their life...who does that? Hurtful words...maybe because so many people are so used to seeing and watching the demise of a family...a relationship...or a love when a child passes away....perhaps "those in view" had no further purpose...or perhaps they believed those same words passed onto them like those spoken to me...only thing is "they believed it and succumbed to what they heard"....it's like the kid in school who is told they'll never amount to anything...they begin to believe it...and most often...they grow into troubled people...those who know me...and those who know me well must agree that "me" before losing Adam....lived life in the stars, the optimism I held onto was so high...and me now? I'm still the same....I want to yell and scream it...I'm not harsh, or bitter or mean...I'm still that same person...the love that exudes from me is still oozing daily...into the lives of others that I touch. I still value friendships...I still reach out to Adam's friends...I want to be me...I want the air to remain full in my sails...I want my glass to remain half-full...I just want to be me...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I found three violets on Sunday, Ted was waiting for me to get into the car for church...I hesitated because while looking down into the grass I saw three slivers of purple which turned out to be quite odd...three simple little violets still in bloom on a cool October day...I mentioned this to Teddy and he agreed about how unusual that they'd be in bloom now...how rare...I smiled and said "Adam probably sent them for me...one for each of us here...me, you and Jordan...I looked really close for other ones but that was it...no more. Today as I was leaving for work...not far away from those other three flowers was one little violet...all by itself, intermingled in the grass...and I thought "that's Adam's flower", he's not with us but he's not as far away as we'd think...my mother-in-law tells me all of the time that he's always one step behind me...seeing that little flower almost hidden away, I thought "she's right", he's right behind us....holding back tears thoughts of my son picking those same simple little flowers for me, a bouquet from his heart...happy thoughts...cherished moments...I miss you Adam....

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Dear Adam,

Yesterday as i was driving, I had classical music on the radio...it was so mellow and soothing and as I had my hands on the wheel, my thoughts were on you....endless thoughts....and for a moment I felt it...like you were right there sitting next to me...it was so surreal but as I drove along this lengthy gloriously colored tree lined road I noticed no other cars around...the road I traveled was dotted with fallen leaves in brilliant shades of rust and gold....and there was a peaceful silence outside...only the beautiful sounds of the classical music playing were heard....and as I drove...on that road...the quiet county stretch that I took you on to learn how to drive a few years back...remembering how happy you'd been that we took that time together...it's me now in the driver's seat...I'm traveling along each day with hopes you're there beside me...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Friendships...boy am I glad I put lots of work into them over the years because right now I'm needing friends big-time...my friend JC and her husband have been wonderful to Teddy and I and Jordan....she wrote this to me this morning...
Lori....I recently saw a quote that suits our relationship..."Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest. It's about who came, and never left your side." We will never leave your side...We love you and your family....
And for those who visited Faithfully or those who came by briefly...those who called now and then....for those who sent well wishes through others...it all meant so very...very much. Those kind and gentle gestures are like life support to me and my family right now. When a really bad moment hits me...I think of those "friendships" and somehow make it through...today I am thankful for people like JC

Friday, October 15, 2010

Dear Adam,
Some days I am simply at a loss...in so many ways. I am lost at feeling much of anything. I miss you so much. I understand that life goes on...and that unless you're in my shoes right now, it's an impossible idea to even imagine how sad we all are...I'm ashamed of myself...for not realizing that others who suffered through similar events struggled like this...that I, too...perhaps thought back then that "things became alright" after months passed by. Never did I realize the emptiness that would linger another lifetime with their loved one's passing. The music of life stops...everyone seems to continue dancing and our steps seem motionless...laughter and levity seem a thing I remember before you passed away...when will I "feel" again? Perhaps some other feeling than the pains that press upon my heart?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

"Deep faith is paranoia turned inside out.... It allows us to trust ourselves and others even if we and they have proven untrustworthy in the past"....

Monday, October 11, 2010

Dear Adam,
Another season to face...many obstacles in this "year of firsts"...Autumn had arrived sporting it's most magnificent splendor...the gorgeous colors that tint the leaves of the trees surrounding your new home...recent rains had many leaves and branches scattered all around the grounds...Hazel continues to trot boldly around the cemetery...it's become her backyard...I hear the crunch her paws make on the dried leaves as she races about...she always runs to your spot...we marvel at that...we marvel at so much...I found her in your bedroom today...I could swear your door was closed....but when I got back in from my errands...it was she who was lying on your bedroom floor...I wonder if she misses you, too...your scent is still noted in your room....sometimes I'll get a whiff of your cologne...I miss the way you smelled...so fresh and clean...I miss how you'd pick me up and spin me around...the silliness you so easily displayed...how can this be...that my life continues without you? It's so difficult...I question God in many ways but I also thank God for so much....today I was thanking him for Lisa...you adored her...and she loved you very much. She is there for me...unstoppable...my weakness is supported through the strength her friendship gives...please give me strength...please guide me through this...for the ups and downs are so unpredictable....

The Weepies - Can't Go Back Now

Dear Adam...

Fall....your favorite time of the year....times of fun, fantasy football...cheering for Notre Dame and the 49er's...the briskness of the air you loved...driving around enjoying the chill of the evening air...months continue to pass us by and I do believe with each page turned on our calendar, we somehow miss you even more...life is different now...none of us feels complete...

but we somehow get through our days. I am grateful for so much. As much as I want to feel bitter or horrible, I know in my heart that none of this was meant to be...and that punishing myself or anyone else is not the key. I also know and remember well how good life felt at one point...8 months ago when you where still here with us. And I ponder....and linger....on those very thoughts...of happiness and contentedness...on our values...the love we all shared...our zest for life....perhaps because I knew those things well...I'll be able to find some of that once again.

And those thoughts...or at least thoughts like those keep me afloat. Each day the single most factor that has helped me go on is envisioning Pop beside you. It's the sheer and single piece of Hope that carries from me from one day to the next...and it's a Peaceful thought and sight inside my mind....of Pop holding his hand out to yours as you grasped on tightly to keep him company in Heaven...

Friday, October 8, 2010

Positivity doesn't just change the contents of your mind... . It widens the span of possibilities that you see.....

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle....Plato

My blogging is sporadic and I seldom post twice a day but I came across this quote...one I knew for a long time...but truly did not fully understand until now...oh, if only more people could read this and think about that simple statement before saying things that are hurtful to others...
thankfully, people have mostly said "the right things lately" but now and then someone will say something that feels like a knife pulling through my flesh...yes....battles...we all have them...right now mine seems unsurmountable...but I do see that I am making my way back up the hill...
Dear Adam,
I have trouble sleeping...these bad dreams haunt me...intermittently...I wake up frightened and realize it was a nightmare that interrupted my restful slumber...I curl up each night, beside your dad...and close my eyes tightly and pray that you'll visit my dreams...and now and then you will...small bits of memories past...I awake and feel the chill that is now in the air...the darkness and gloom of yet another rainy day...and like Jordan and Ted...place my feet on the floor and try and go on with my day...like other people do...go along with their busy lives...wrapping themselves up in what they see as important...me, I'm just trying to fit in....taking each day as it presents itself and learning to cope with this new norm...

Monday, October 4, 2010

"hat" sandwiches...and other oddities like that...the stuff that made you laugh...made us laugh.
I was making an egg sandwich for myself this morning and all I had left were the 2 ends of the loaf of bread...as you'd call them, the "hats". You would never eat the "hat" and we'd laugh...you would grow annoyed how Hontzy would eat "hat sandwiches" made from just those ends...and how fussy you could be...so many idiosyncrasies with eating...it amazed us...because you had so many! But I can easily remember the stuff you did love...the soups I made...the unusual sausage soup you'd brag about to your buddies...the creations that Dad and I would make...the desserts you'd want to share with all your friends...I remember how you'd make food on the grill in the middle of the night, Dad and I would awaken to the fragrance of meat grilling at 2 a.m. only to discover you'd been making up a feast for you and your buddies...and Jordan, of course. I remember how he'd pay you to cook for him...ahhh...loving memories...as I put the "hat" together to encase my egg and cheese, I thought of you...and how much I miss your silliness....your smile....your happy nature....and "hat sandwiches".....

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Dear Adam,
Maggie came to visit me this afternoon, it was so nice seeing her smiling face...I made gourmet coffee and we sat and chatted...she brought along Tiff and BB...and I held myself together nicely...I want them to keep coming back....I want to feel normal and be able to talk with them and enjoy the time they took to spend with me...and I did...with my tears held back we smiled as we thought back on time. Your friend Smizzle's fiance put that into perspective for me the other night through our frequent face book exchanges....that we need to let guilt float away...that none of this is anyone's fault...no one expected this...things like this don't happen...although somehow it did...but rather than cast stones at ourselves and drive ourselves mad, we need to preserve what we have left...the amazing memories of your life. I pray all of the time...I ask God to lead me in a direction that best serves a purpose I am intended for...and I wait with patience like no other...so with a maddening pace, I continue to make my soups and preserve my vegetables...people ask me where I get the energy from...and I tell them it's something I need to do. I can be busy and keep my mind well...or sit back on a chair and stay stagnent...I chose the first choice...again, each thought....each day is to honor you...your memory....and to take care of the brother you left behind...I love you....and somehow, I know you're looking over me...I have this feeling....often that you're right beside me...I feel your pain...the longing for me to find Peace....and sadness of no "goodbyes"...the error of a split second mistake...