Sunday, June 10, 2018
......life is hard....this week we've learned of two celebrity suicides...there are so many others who die that the public are unaware of...because it's primarily the famous ones that make the news....the rise of suicides has risen beyond those people who die from accidents....this is a staggering number. My brother took his life...."and unaware I am certain" of HOW many lives his impulsive bad moment of a decision would affect those left behind. Everything changes....how can it not? The suddenness of it all is crushing...it makes no sense to us left here in his shadows....so we try and sweep up those little bits and pieces of him and make his memory whole....but there are holes in that wholeness....because no one knew "his complete story"....the whys, Adam didn't die that way of course, but his sudden choice, impulsive decision for I guess what he thought was a rush....closed the chapters on anything that would ever happen again for us...left behind. I know it's been eight years....but we have MISSED so much....his bad choice has taken him away from us and with that went any changes of the future we might have enjoyed together as a family. His absence has affected each of us in different ways. Me, becoming more passive....Ted---the rock.... is quieter and I know he internalizes...Jordan, losing a sense of self at times feels uncertain which way to turn. We, at times feel stuck. I am happy for the wonderful stages that others are able to envelope....I am just unsure of why my chapters have been sticking together....I want to write more of my story....and I will continue keeping on at this thing called life. I hate that my child was taken from me and that it left my other son struggling....but the strength I have is very strong...so I will keep living each day with purpose, not only for me, but for my boys....I guess I wanted to write this so maybe my words would be meaningful enough to encourage others to think more, listen more, watch more and offer an ear, a heartfelt hug or some support to those who struggle....I know it's helped me many times....
Saturday, December 9, 2017
changes...Ted and I knew we had to do something more...so about three years ago a conversation with new friends turned into a community effort which in essence has been warming our hearts, I guess it's helped us continue to feel purpose at a time when we questioned whether we still had one....or at least I know I felt that way. I'm 52 now...I watch others with many different blessings that come at this time and age....and I pray often to see what God has ahead. I wish I wish I truly wish I knew what He had ahead for me....yet I do understand I must wait....and life He gave...this very sad and challenging one without Adam inside it is mine...and I must continue on inside of it with purpose. My friends on the hill encourage us....believe in us...see a light within that...singing carols, baking cookies, laughing...sharing ideas to do good things, we all have our stories....we all have a reason WHY we gravitated together, I truly believe that. Last night I answered the door, Hazel barking like usual....I see a lovely lady standing there with a Christmas tote filled with homemade cookies....She hands them to me to use for our caroling project Sunday....you see we sing Christmas songs and end each visit with a little bag of tasty cookies to the shut in we entertain....only this lady had a different story, she wasn't donating for any old reason...she was paying it forward, we tears she told me our group sang to her VERY ill husband last winter and he enjoyed it so much, it made a difference in his day, choking back tears I asked about him now???? He passed she said I enveloped her into my arms, together we cried about loss...I have learned that only those who endured GREAT loss understand the hearts fully of those who encountered GREAT LOSS....my heart was full and although I cried awhile after she left....I know that I am being drawn into the right places...and God surrounds us with the people we are supposed to be with....
Sunday, July 16, 2017
sadness lives within my heart...somehow I have learned to live around it. I hide it...I put it in places where others do not see it...keeping busy with life has helped....I turned a corner years ago deciding I needed to live the closest to normal of a life that I could....people like me, we become "good" at it, good at disguising our pain....good at blending in...yup, that's me. Last night I went to a graduation party and watched old neighbors talk....laugh....share stories. Many times years ago it was Adam that was part of that circle...as times continues to march forward, less stories or talk of Adam is heard. The life he had and shared stopped completely, Ted and I are left with little stories we remember and share with each other daily....I am crying as I type this because I do not know what I would do...who I would be....or what person I might have become had i not had his strength and love and belief in me...I watch him go through his life...and he carries himself with utter Grace and Dignity, he taught me by example how to continue...not everyone understands me...I think after Adam died that I somehow thought everyone would always be nice...play fair and be kind, especially with my situation...but in life, there is no free pass and as sad as it is...I've learned to gravitate to what feels "good" and distance myself from the negativity....by doing this I have learned the value of great friends....I have opened myself to new things, even silly things that I would have never done in another lifetime...I grew strong, but I also grew much more empathy along my path...there isn't a single thing I couldn't talk about...or listen to...or understand. I feel wisdom (sometimes anyway)....from the healing of my own pain and what I've learned from it....I have learned to listen....actually listen....and through this I have learned much....MUCH about myself and much about those around me. I still like "the me" I am...and have no desire to ever follow others in changing who I am....Ted and I embrace our good days and encourage each other...we also encourage others. We keep our bodies strong, we walk, jog, bike...there is nothing that makes your soul feel more alive than being outdoors surrounded by the glorious beauty of nature...and those butterflies and red winged blackbirds still follow us along those trails, perhaps little signs that our son is watching us...I wonder what Adam would think of us...of me? If he's be proud of where we are? The journey we traveled...I miss him so much....
Thursday, January 5, 2017
....another Christmas came and gone without you Adam...it's been 7 Christmas's without your warmth filling our home...without your laughter bellowing through the rooms, without the sight of your smiles as you'd make your entrance...God I miss you...next month marks 7 years since you left us...SO much media coverage lately on an actress who died and her famous mother who died the very next day of a broken heart...I cannot believe that I am still here...living life without you, my sweet son. I made a promise to myself, that I would try (with every bit of my being)...to live each day in life for you...the parts of "me" that you loved best I would focus on preserving....with this new year I am vowing even more change...the strength I have from my Faith and love will continue to direct me to where I feel safe---comfortable and meant to be...I love you, always and forever xoxo
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
With you I am the best "me" possible. With you things make sense. Life hasn't been easy. But you and your positive attitude make me see things in a different light. I love most how easily I can talk to you. Never lost for words. My favorite thing about "us" is how we remember. Each of us bringing up happy moments that may have been told long ago. Yet we will both smile and those memories become vivid. I love you. Much more than I could ever say in words. My heart is full. You are everything I ever prayed for in a man. My love. My best friend. My companion in life. You are the greatest. Kindest. Most loving man I ever met. And I realize every day how blessed I am ❤️
Monday, July 11, 2016
What Adam's death taught me...that anything in life can change in an instant...or can be swept away in an eyes blink. That you can never do enough to help someone or show love sufficiently. So we need to love as much as we can...just in case. That not everyone will be there for you as you'd presume. But there will be other people who'll walk into your life with drive. And purpose...who'll lead you in ways you'd never imagine. That keeping your heart open is probably the most important thing you'll ever do in an unimaginable time. And if you allow it...God will send you signs. I've learned to forgive. Even if the apology was never made. Silently forgiving someone who hurt you allows yourself to heal. Letting go. Just letting the weight of anxiety lift away. Realizing that I've gone through the worst. And I'm still here. Why cast more upon myself. I've learned strength. That it comes in many forms. I've learned bravery. Sometimes the bravest people are those who fight quiet battles each day without anyone else knowing. Facing fears. Sometime you have to look fear right in the face and say I'm stronger than you! I've learned self pride. I don't need anyone to understand my journey. I know the ride I've been faced to endure. Other people's opinions really matter very little. I've learned that being kind is a priceless gift. And that it feels really good to continue in kindness. That helping others in itself helps me. By helping others we create unbelievable friendships. I've learned that little things are monumental. That there are times when no words are sufficient but that hugs always are. I've discovered that Silence is a good thing. And alone time is also underrated. I've learned so much. I know some people carry their burdens in a way that others see it as soon as they're approached. I've learned to carry gratitude and thankfulness no matter where I go. And keep a positive attitude and smile for others. Because there are others who endured hard times too. I'm pretty sure God's Grace helps me each day. Thankful
That people find warmth around me. And that Adam's love envelopes me each day.
That people find warmth around me. And that Adam's love envelopes me each day.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
changes...in this past year I have lost three remarkable friends, Dennis died one year ago....his passing was sudden and unanticipated...with this also meant his wife, a very dear friend of mine moved far away---so my loss was multiplied...then one of my oldest friends I knew since kindergarten passed away, again, sudden loss...leaving behind two daughters, one still in high school....leaving me feeling at a loss of how sudden we can lose someone...Angie was in and out of my life....a steady friend throughout all our school years and even through nursing school...then moving away...and sometimes our paths would cross intermittently, but when Adam died, she resurfaced and helped me through my grief...watching her kids struggle through a week of utter Hell is something no kid should see or deal with...with hope I wish that her love and God's Grace they'll weather this storm...last month my solid rock of a friend succumbed to the horrible grip of cancer....as it reared it's ugly head and stole another beautiful person away from me and all of those who knew her...Mary....I met her when Jordan and Adam were little boys and Jordan was fighting with Will in our alley. She was very different than me, watching her I learned how to stick up for myself, how to be stronger...she did nice things that no one knew of and to me, there is nothing at all cooler than that...she didn't lose sleep over what others thought and she loved my boys like her own...when Adam died it was her and her family that got eggfest going...I knew at eggfest7 she turned another corner...but not in a good way, she was faltering health-wise and the spark that once enveloped her was fading, watching her decline was so hard....I miss her so much...I miss them all so much, because you see, each of them played a vital role in helping me, us...my Faith is strong and I am choosing to believe that God did assign each of them a task to help us here, and I know Adam opened his great big arms to welcome them in....each of them embraced in his teddy bear hugs, if I am wrong, it's a beautiful thought anyway....I guess what I have learned even more so is that life is fleeting...you simply don't know what tomorrow holds...so we need to embrace each day and live it to the fullest....
....it seems so long since I've seen you....time steals away so much. Time...at first...was second to second...the time that would pass between the breaths of despair....time...aided in helping me escape those moments...allowing me to survive into minutes...and in time, I was able to tolerate hours...but you still fill each day with immeasurable thoughts and memories of you, me, us...our family. Your laugh is probably what I miss hearing most...and since you're gone, I look constantly for reassurances of you...sending me signs...letting me know that in time...I, too will see you again....time....I simply miss you so much....