existing...that's how many live after loss....relearning how to breathe again---how to hold one's head up and push back the tears that lie waiting to fall....learning how to suppress the utter sadness...living in silence, holding back pain as the smiles we place on our faces fools nearly everyone...I don't have to pretend with him, nor he with I....together we can grieve...we can recant our tales....holler at the world, hold each other until each other's shirts are wet from tears....we can still say that it's not fair...we can talk about how much we loved him too---sometimes he and I can laugh and smile...as we remember the times before...our great loss, nothing's the same....nothing at all...we somehow how learned to live a different life...it's going on too....life...without him, unimaginably---walking by the old iron bridge the other night I looked down, I remember weeping desperately one day probably a month after Adam died...alone----like I was so often then, I wandered helplessly to the overlook, gazing down on the freezing flow of rocks and river waters...wondering if my absence would even matter....when Adam died...his death mattered...so many people were affected by his loss....through this journey...the journey that was chosen for me to live and endure---I came to see who I really am---and I never stopped believing in me...nor will I...as the dark days s-l-o-w-l-y began to clear...I realized what truly mattered and what really never did---I hope I matter...that somehow, in someway....someone was touched by me---that before I die...I may have made the lives of others just a little brighter through my spirit....

although nothing has been easy---the journey that we face does go on---somedays are easier than others...although in reality each day we face---poses new challenges...and for those who pay attention closely, it's the little conquests that we overcome...or the small achievements that we meet---that give us strength and present us with renewed Faith...I told Jordan that cooking has become my medicine... when I am lost in the kitchen, pouring over my recipes...my mind is lost for a bit---a welcome thing for Ted and I... never far away is our thoughts of Adam...oftentimes, when Ted and I are alone, we have the chance to weep together...without him, I don't know what each of us would do to cope...but when we hold each other and share one another's pain...it somehow helps...no one loved Adam more than we did....no one else can understand the pain I feel better than he does...each day

....thank you anyone---who has....over the past three years walked alongside of me...who held my hand as I gently wept...thank you for remembering me...but even more so, for remembering my son Adam...gratefulness is something that wasn't taken when I lost Adam...nor was my Faith, dignity or respect...sometimes tragedy can ravage oneself...end friendships...relationships...and bonds of trust...I'd be lying to myself to say I was unaffected...because I was in some ways...but I do think losing my loving son has left me untainted in a world that is quite messed up sometimes...and I...in my sadness have still maintained that level of love...care and respect that my children loved most about me...I sit each day blogging inside my head...remembering all the little memories I can...in the time I had with my family of four...so much has changed...and never has so much meant so little...but when you lose so much...it's a struggle to move ahead and nothing seems great anymore...but I do have great love...and I hold my head up to the sun each day---hoping for it's radiance to catch my face...asking God to continue to help me take steps in a forward pattern...and to Bless this life that remains...Three years ago today I had my normal life...until the middle of the night----it all unraveled...Please pray for us especially today and tomorrow...as we remember the life of Adam LaRizzio, a kind and loving, HUGE hearted young man who simply died way too soon...may he be remembered with smiles and joy forever...

true love is... meeting someone many years ago and watching your love for them multiply with each year that goes along... having someone stand aside you in of all the good times... and having them there beside you when your world falls apart... true love is unending... someone who feels the pain you feel exactly as you feel it... who understands your heart and soul.... who walks aside you...never loosening the grip held between your two hands... everlasting love... goes far beyond passion...although with us...that never dims... but it's that feeling of completeness I feel...and know you feel...whenever we're together... True love---grown even deeper...when I thought I couldn't possibly love you any MORE... my love for you grew even further... I feel I am the best person possible...when I am beside you... your love gives me strength... True love found me---as a young girl...with silly ways... you loved me anyway...embracing how different I could be...and seeing value in all of me...you ALWAYS made me feel secure---warm---loved...special... with your true love---I am complete....I love you more than mere words could ever tell

someone's laying in their bed right now---crying because of pain inside their heart...we all can easily pass by others....thinking everything is alright, consumed with our own day to day issues of life while someone else is scared, or lonely...heartbroken, devasted, depressed...sometimes all it would take is an outreached hand---a phonecall...and inquiry...I lived it...and I have learned so much...something clicked with me...I was able to see the goodness that others, even strangers...have put forth to me....through time passed, I can look back and see it, I want to pay it all forward...I want to give it all back...with love...for I shall never forget the kindess of those who opened their hearts to me...

....as Jordan pulled me on the dance floor, all I could do was feel love permeate....from all of those around us...to us as we held each other close...I didn't want to let go---but during that sweet dance between mother and son, I got to tell him how much he meant to me....and I think now...at that time, I needed him to know

"I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.” ♥ It's been incredibly difficult to write here lately---time has made me different...perhaps more subdued in some ways but I do reaize and see that grief did not change me---it revealed me...and revealed the me I knew I was all along...I am the same me...I have a heart that's unchanged...I just feel lost somedays---not that any other person would know it...but I carry that loss with me...riding on my shoulders is an invisable heavy cross...and I still have days---many days when I need to catch my breath---realizing I will never see my son again...or hear his voice...or feel the warmth of his hugs as he used to embrace me...time doesn't heal all wounds...I wish I could help others by telling them it gets better...or easier...but it truly doesn't...some days are easier than others...and the ones with laughter and smiles truly make my heart smile back...I dream of Adam almost nightly...I know I am a rarity on that...many parents aren't able to receive that connection and I somehow am...beautiful and peaceful dreams...I know with my whole heart that ADAM loves me...and I know it's his way of helping me through each day ahead...

Adam...

No one could ever come close to understanding the depths of our sorrow...sadly---the only ones who truly "know" are those who unfortunately have endured the sames pains of tragedy...unimaginily....I miss you even more....always and forever you live within my heart and soul....Adam, the reason I am able to continue is because I still feel you pushing me...ahead....

"True understanding of loss can only come from a heart that has suffered the same"...I found this in a card a stranger who lost a son had sent me two years ago---I put on a good face...to hid away the pain most of the time...I am broken---and each day I feel my own weaknesses and hurt...I cling to things that provide me with some Peacefulness...although it's momentary...as I close my eyes and say "the Lord is close to the broken hearted, He rescues those who are lost of Spirit..."...wishful that the darkness looming on Jordan will somehow lift and that our little family can find a new form of strength and happiness....