Adam...

Adam...
My Beloved Son

Saturday, July 26, 2014

God....please help me...I keep praying that I will feel better inside my heart...but this pain I wake with---the pain that lingers heavily on my heart...it hurts so badly...I miss my son...I miss him---
time passes by us and it has been soooo long since I saw him...held him, heard his voice....looked into his bright blue eyes...life will never be as it was...I miss him...I miss us....please God help me continue to look for Faith

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

kindness matters...

....there is nothing nicer than the kindness of others....the soft easing words of someone who cares, simple loving gestures, holding someone's hand, a gentle pat on the shoulder....eyes that connect, with care and compassion...there is nothing more soothing for someone's pain...than kind words...if sufficient words can't be found...just listening becomes an immense deed....anytime someone gives selflessly of themselves...I am certain it does not go unnoticed....pay attention to those who are struggling...sometimes your outreach may be the touch that brings them some well deserved comfort...

Sunday, July 20, 2014

missing you...

you left this world---but your presence remains with us everyday---we see the signs around us...our hearts are open for anything meant for us to capture and cherish...I am lonely in a different way---the hollow that remains unfilled inside my heart-- will someday fill again when I am inside your loving embrace...I miss you every moment of each new day---and the space that grows in distance from the last time I held you----continues to grow....oh how I miss you my sweet son...I pray so often that something will ease this ache...I pray that God sends more strength for Jordan...nothing's been easy---please continue to watch over us...and help us through the pains of missing you, I will love you, always and forever xoxo

Thursday, July 10, 2014

"The reality is that YOU will grieve forever----you will not "get over the loss of a loved one....you will learn to live with it. You will heal....and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same...Nor would you want to be...Elizabeth Kubler-Ross...her profound words sum up exactly how it is...we are healing...we are not the same...and each thing we accomplish (in the most positive of ways) is astounding to each of us...the three that are left here....to live on without him....an old friend popped in unexpectedly yesterday---overwhelmed in her own grief, a different grief than mine---but her grief consumed her...she asked how I face this monster day in and day out??? The brutal reality of loss...my heart and head often want to drift into that sad and lonely place...just absorb myself inside the streams of tears that trickle down my face...but somehow my Faith kicks in...it's God's love and the signs He sends me that I truly feel...I am surrounded by strong love here...that love helps me heal...I feel purpose...and I feel Adam is with me still...last night we walked on the sandy beach in our bare feet...the lake water warm from a very humid day...the clouds looked heavenly above us...the mist of a hot day steaming beautifully over the water...sunset highlighting God's beauty of the day...Ted always agrees he is with us...walking alongside of us...encouraging us....guiding us....somehow giving us the strength when we ourselves feel weak and vulnerable...and we take nothing for granted...we know how lucky we are to have each other...to have our Faith...our church...our family and friends....life can change in a spin...and we don't want to waste a second of what God is giving us...until He calls us to join Adam..........

Friday, July 4, 2014

As the rest of the world continues to whirl about...in it's normal pattern---and as I still go on with the empty spaces within my heart and soul...I find my Peace...when I am encircled in his arms...there is nowhere else I find the comfort and strength then when I am with my soul mate...I love him more each day...and as we talk--spend many---many moments together...as a couple...we build strength...we've built confidence...and built more love around us...<3

Thursday, June 12, 2014

it's so hard to believe so much time has passed us by...Ted and I have somehow learned to live with this dreadful pain...I guess I am writing now...because I want to focus more on how I got to where "I am presently"...pivotal moments or changes that I may have somehow followed that helped me cope...perhaps to help another who has need to read about living on through life's darkest challenges...the big thing I did over this past year is let go....I've let go of hurt---I forgave...and although forgiving doesn't mean that I have forgotten...it means I am allowing that hurt that was once bottled so tightly inside of me---to be released...I no longer carry that with me...and that brick has been lifted. My heart has much more room for love and goodness without that space once occupied by anger... Forgiveness... Another change I made was to know my own limits...perhaps it's my safety net but I know my limits...and I have learned to avoid and distance myself from those uncomfortable times and places....if it feels good---then it probably is...any pause or hesitation---or things that make me feel sad or uneasy---distancing by me occurs...even within the workplace. I thought that people (silly me) would somehow be forever empathetic to me because of my circumstance....through the darkness of the past 4 plus years, I have disappointingly found this to be untrue too...a couple months ago someone told me in confidence that "I am too nice" and "I make them look bad because I am too kind"...funny, how hurtful that was...but it truly was, I guess since Adam passed, I try harder----love stronger, empathize more deeply---just try too hard I guess....because if I fall into that typical stereotype---then avoidance occurs...by others----so I try extra hard to be outgoing and kind---to pay it forward and I got bitten by an unkind mouth...so distancing occurred...by me---and I prayed really hard, because there are still things left for me ahead...and life is a learned lesson...and although painful to hear words that hurt and actions that are hurtful by another...I did take something away with me...and God did answer my prayers and redirected me...Blessings happen all the time, sometimes we are too busy to become aware of them---please God---never let me be too busy to miss a Blessing sent....for so much, I am grateful....

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

It's that time of the year...when people all around gather to celebrate the Joy of the season...and for those who never endured great losses...there is no way that anyone else could fathom what a family like ours does...and with time, it seems perfectly normal to think those not affected---with loss...assume that families like ours have moved onward...there is a reason God put me with Teddy...I know there is no woman on this earth that loves her husband more than I do...no one...he walks me through each season...we grew together in a different way I suppose. SO much of life's happenings further bonded our love...time has helped us see beauty once again....we both agree this Autumn was the most spectacular we've ever witnessed...perhaps because we spend so much time enjoying it together...our long walks on leaf covered trails...sharing coffee on big rocks along the way...glimpses of birds that fly haphazardly along our way... our favorite trek is a hike to Mount Pisgah...the view from the top is spectacular...our beautiful little town, the scurry of activity below us...while where we stand it is silent...nature's silence...the faint whispers of trees leaning in the breeze...a chirp of a bird, the scatter of a chippie...but not much more than that...I guess when we're up there we feel closer to Heaven..closer to God, closer to Adam...the silence is soothing...and when Ted and I are together, we speak with our hearts, our eyes...no need for deep conversations when all that surrounds us is telling us a story...Thanksgiving Day came...and we took time to count the Blessings in our lives...although it's definitely a more difficult task...but again, we somehow got through it...surrounded by some really great friends who care deeply...