Adam...

Adam...
My Beloved Son

Friday, May 22, 2015

worrying away the days....no, not me, I don't "live there" anymore
fretting over saying something that was heartfelt....sincere....or in need of being spoken aloud.....No, I don't "live there" anymore....
sleepless nights, tossing...turning....wondering all the immeasurable "why's"....nope, because I "don't live there" anymore....
My mind "doesn't live" in a bad place...I'm not angry....suspicious....I'm not mad....I hate all of those feelings....I can only control my own head and heart...I have no bearing of what anyone thinks....says or does....and even the best of the best can be pretending or lack sincerity inside their hearts and minds....I now live in a calmer place....I where control my on thoughts...and I am in control of me....
finding calm and peace has been healing....slowing down my pace...feeling myself breathe...embracing moments that perhaps others are unaware of because of life's rapid pace....
I feel the breeze gently touch my cheek, I feel the warmth of the sun as it radiates my skin...the sounds of nature gently sings to me as I enjoy the outdoors....my senses heightened because the heaviness that once weighed down on my has lightened...I speak with God daily and I feel His presence...I know I am here for a reason....and this is where "I live" anymore...

Monday, April 20, 2015

pity....

five years ago....for the first time in my entire life....people started pitying me...I am certain as a way to express sympathy or sorrow for the sadness that life had thrown at me...pity serves as an excuse for some I have come to see...some people bask in it....as it allows them "a free pass...an excuse to not participate in some part of life or living"....pity to me....well, it felt like weakness....loss of strength....letting go of the "me" I was...I think that's why I valiantly strive to not accept this...
in that lesson learned...I have also changed the pity I give out...it's actually belittling and can hinder...so instead of pity...I now encourage...even the most dismal of situations has no benefit from added pity...pity becomes the "white flag" of surrender...is that what I want to do?  Or show others???  Simply give up?  NO....I can't succumb to that...and I won't pull that into someone else...pity upon another, although well-meaning...can sap their strength....simply show belief in someone's ability...encourage their reasons to live life...remind them of how much they have to do still.....I know there's a reason I must go on....live fully....love deeply....

Friday, April 3, 2015

Ted looked at me last night and said "you're quiet the past few days"...I've not much to respond back, I have a hard time around the Holiday...with Easter approaching.  My days are spent around ladies mostly, who talk much of their families...in many ways, I have become the oddity, at least in my own mind, because since Adam's gone, not much normal stuff is comparable to their tales...I listen and smile...but I know there's always an empty chair at my table...I know that if Adam might have had a second chance, he at 27 might have a wife here with us...and perhaps a child of his own...swallowing hard, we know that will never be....and I know I am forever altered....again, a smile is a mask we the bereaved parents wear to let others know we are "okay".... I read a great article recently, about a parent's grief...it was compared to a stone in your pocket...it's always there, as a bereaved mom, I can still feel it's heaviness...I know it's always there although no one else does...it's an annoying discomfort at times and sometimes it pokes and hurts you....reminding you all over again of how much you suffer this loss...sometimes you lose thought of the stone and you laugh....smile....live life a bit, then out of nowhere you feel it...the pain from that rock you're carrying that no one else knows about....and in all honestly, they don't know....I was a mom who had an "intact family" for a bit, and at the time, I would never have imagined how an event like this could affect a person or how long the pain would follow....I'm also very proud of where I am...and the challenges I have faced have actually made me into a stronger woman and a better person...I took credit before into living a pretty decent life, before Adam's life ended.....I thought I did the best I could...and I probably did....but there isn't a thing I couldn't relate to or understand now...my empathy has grown and grown...and so has my love...my love of Adam's memory....my love to help Jordan as he too deals with the same heaviness from the rocks in his own pockets...and my deep deep love for Ted...who is my "rock" here on earth....without him, I am incomplete....when he walks aside me, the burden of that stone is somehow lifted, I am thankful for his love....each and every moment of each and every day.....

Friday, March 20, 2015

eggfest 6...such a tribute, all I can say is I love you and I am thankful that your beautiful spirits lives on through us xoxoxo

Thursday, March 12, 2015

my best friend thinks there is a book somewhere inside my head that needs to be released....I said I haven't been writing much these days...I do ponder thoughts and inspirations daily in my mind...I try so hard to maintain a positive Spirit....my son's Spirit.  I promised myself and him (silently) that I would always hold his light ahead of me...that I would hold confident in my Faith and stay focused on the good that remains....when I came into this site today I gasped as I realized how long it's been since I've penned my thoughts....but then again, in those many months....what have I done?  I started a jar...a simple mason jar....it's on my kitchen counter filled with little slips of paper on which are jotted down all the little achievements I have been up to...so some, this may be silly or insignificant, but to me, they're monumental...my journey has always been one day at a time....last week I was a volunteer children's reader to the library....sending homemade apple butter to people who needed cheering, promises for more random acts of kindness....each time I do it, it's placed into the jar, each time I add to that jar my heart swells and I want to do more...I have come to learn that no other person will ever understand my heart, the inside of my thoughts or the sadness I live with day to day
but I have Faith that besides God, Ted truly knows and feels the same way as I do....it's his love that keeps me strong, he is the person at the end of a race cheering you in, he's the one sitting in the bleachers of life calling out "you can do this", he, with his silent Grace and deep blue eyes can communicate how proud he is of me by a simple smile...I know this...and with him I can be the best version of myself....

Saturday, October 11, 2014

the bravest thing I ever did....was continuing living when I wanted to die....only someone who went through what I did will understand how big that statement is...the immensity and enormity of survival without your child...follows me day in and day out....

Thursday, October 9, 2014

I miss you Adam...I go through highs and lows each day, the pain never leaves me...lately it's been harder...you'd think that with time passing, it would ease the heaviness on my heart, but I find with each day more that places space between us makes me miss you even more...if that is possible.  I miss your laughter most....I just miss YOU...I keep waiting for something special to happen...perhaps some other form of JOY sent my way...a Blessing of a special person for your brother....fulfillment in a role I am involved in...maybe it's ahead...in our future....keep watch over us, the family left here....we all miss you so much...