My Beloved Son

Monday, August 30, 2010

"Hiding pain requires an enormous amount of energy; sharing it is liberating"....I was always a very strong person...pain was something I rarely felt in times before my loss...I was also pretty good at hiding inner stresses...and looking back, those "inner stresses" had been fairly small if ever at that was an easy thing to tuck aside...but heartache....few moments can pass that his beautiful face isn't in a thought or remembrance that I'm having. When I talk to others, they all know "where" I am in this situation that was cast at me...I'm taking my time, my own time to heal and I've never hidden my pain or the feelings that accompany it. A friend of Jordan and Adam's sat and talked with me Saturday night and he said he sees me heal...he told me I'm an easy read...but when he watched Jordan and Teddy over these past six months, the facade they put on pretending "they're alright" was very transparent. I guess with men, they possess an innate thing about themselves that they try and pretend they're doing well...when in actuality, they're in little pieces just like me...we all miss Adam...we all analyze or at least try and analyze why him? We could go mad trying to see if we did anything wrong or could have changed anything, because we can't...I guess through these months of struggling we've learned to forgive ourselves...self realization points to us being a good family, I've let go of blame..... for you see, I no longer blame "me". I know how much I loved and adored my son...there was no love lacking that caused this tremendous mistake...his dad and I loved him fully and met each of the needs we honestly felt a son needed...the direction we placed upon him was good and honest and we wholeheartly felt we'd live and love together as a family the rest of our lives...well, life took a sudden change in the wee hours of February 20th...and the friends who loved our son, who loved us also...continue to trickle through our home with words so profound and messages so heartfelt that my healing continues through that love. Many have told me they are grateful for our family's love and lovely girl told me I set nice examples that helped form her into the woman she now failure isn't what I see myself as. I didn't fail Adam...nor did he fail me...we loved each other with every piece of our being and I will gladly take this pain...if it helps me heal...if it helps me remember our love...forever

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