Forgiveness is not something we do for other people...We do it for ourselves to get well and move on...

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face us with the reality of our powerlessness. That is a friend who cares."

how much love can one person give? And how many roles of fulfillment can one man give? I look at your dad and in amazement wonder where I would be without him...through this journey of sadness...the one constant has always been him...my love, my Teddy....walking aside me, never letting go of my hand...even now, his hand finds mine beneath covers at night and he gently holds onto it till we fall asleep...his love protects me...he believes in me...in us...in life as it will continue...he inspires me like no one else can...his loves wraps around me like a warm and loving blanket...the kindness in those sad blue eyes...eyes like yours...that even after all we've been through...can lock with mine...and reflect memories of times before. With him, I've never lost laughter...I have lost so much...and faced so many disappointments...but love from him---your father, keeps me afloat...no one knows what we feel better than each other....no one misses you more than we do.......................

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."
As a parent, I think the most cherished memories are those of a child's laughter...and the smiles that could literally change a stressful day into a Blessed moment. Adam and Jordan had powerful smiles, the kind that could light up a room with their presence...losing Adam...I worried I would lose my own smiles...and forget how to laugh...as sadness looms about----the laughter seems hidden in the distance...a lonesome memory of a day long gone...but there are still times when we smile...and laugh...no longer do I feel guilt for acquiring that smile...or allowing that laugh to come through...now when I laugh, I think of Adam...and how he'd want to see and hear me...how it was him and his silliness that oh so often was the source of my smiles...him---Jordan----their friends...the things I would hear, the stories---the fabrications of silly matter that my two would conjure up....and that I was able to laugh with them....one day I know I will hear him again---the laugh, his, like no others will be heard.

...sticking your hand near a flame is painful...and that pain----the mere thought of it... induces fright...that same pain and fear is similar to that which others feel about looking at grief head-on...it isn't easy, it's much easier to pass by that flame then feel it's burn...it's scary to feel the immense heat it puts forth...me, Jordan...Teddy, we've been brave, always, not one of us had ever been afraid to face feelings...part of recovery is facing them...perhaps not all at once---maybe little steps as I, myself have chosen to take...but to not face them is to further self defeat...I've learned much---sometimes I think that although I am faced with so much pain...I have gained so much wisdom...I'm not afraid of anyone else's flame...there is nothing that could hurt me now...I've suffered the worst and yet I still want to help others who feel like they're on fire...

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Forgive me, Friend
If I don’t seem there—
If I seem a little distant
Or you think I don’t care.
My child has died

It’s hard to explain
My down-an-out days
When I don’t respond
Or I seem in a daze
My child has died.

I seem to be happy
When I suddenly cry—
The emotion overpowers me,
Hard as I try.
My child has died

So forgive me, My Friend,
When I can’t seem to give.
I’m doing all I can
Just to get up and live.
My child has died.

"Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief."

sometimes...when you go through a tragedy as I did...you constantly look for answers...and even though a good mind knows there really aren't any that will satisfy---you still quest on...answers? I see they aren't there---at least in solid form, no true definitive questions to a myriad of mind boggling "Whys" that I have imposed upon myself...wondering if Adam is okay...if he misses me/us...if he knew how much love was felt for him then---and now? Someone suggested I talk with a clairvoyant...to ease this pain of not knowing...and I did, it was just two weeks ago. I guess I thought I'd go in there getting the answers that I needed...but I didn't, but the one thing I did get was another type of Peace...the kind you get when your Faith is so strong that you need not question another human being---the kind of Peace that knowing in my heart---anything else that anyone else could say---or Hope for, truly doesn't matter...if my belief is strong, then I know in my heart, that he is safe and well, in God's arms...and that he is waiting for my time...and for Ted and Jordan to rejoin again as a family for eternity...words...mean little...I'm sure there are people with "gifts"...they possess Spirit and perhaps can see a little farther ahead than others...but then again so do I. I can't tell you what you had for lunch yesterday----or what your future will hold, but my gift of optimism is rare....and I know I have a heartfelt and compelling nature that nurtures love and friendship...and that I have a purpose...perhaps the things that someone like the elderly clairvoyant who spoke with me can ease the pains of aching hearts...for that, it is a Blessing, for me, our visit just reinforced my commitment to God in knowing he'll guide me, as long as I keep my heart open...