“The life i touch for good or ill will touch another life, and in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.”
― Frederick Buechner

'Tis Christmas in Heaven
What a beautiful sight!
It's my second one here;
Everything is all right.

The place is adorned
With the brilliance of stars,
Wisemen have come
From Venus and Mars.

I've met all our dear ones
Who preceded us here;
The reunion was lovely,
An event full of cheer.

And tonight we'll all gather,
In reverence we'll kneel,
For the Babe in the cradle
Up in Heaven is Real.

I think of my family
that I left behind
And I pray that your Christmas
Is as blessed as mine

Please shed no more tears,
For my soul is at rest,
Just love one another;
Live life to its best.

Yes, It's Christmas In Heaven,
So I've heard them say,
Yet, Christmas In Heaven
Happens every day.

We love you Adam. and miss you so much

He is Gone...



You can shed a tear that he is gone
or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray he'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
or you can be full of the love you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember...only that he's gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes love and go on.

....this is exactly how I feel, I know I'll never have those wishes---or chances----that he lives on only in dreams, memories...and the tales we tell, but I will not ever succumb to losing my entire self, because it was "me" that made him "him" and he would never want me to live on in eternal sadness....xoxoxoxo I love Adam---always and forver

When a friend is feeling sorrow
That you wish that you could share,
And no words of any language
Can remove the grief they bear,
When the unexpected shadows
Fall across the path they trod,
There is no human remedy,
When a brave heart's torn asunder,
And it's courage seems too small
There is no solace found in pain
That overtakes us all.
When hot tears keep on falling
'Til they drench the very sod,
To find someone to dry them,
There's a reason for each heartache,
Though we cannot see it now,
And we grow with every sorrow,
That Heaven will allow.
Though we always seek the sunlight,
Earth is still "a vale of tears"
And only God can help us bear
The burden of the years.
We've simply got to trust Him,
And we can't afford to doubt,
Because He has created life,
He knows what it's about.
Because His dear feet also walked
These narrow paths we trod,
To heal our broken spirits.

‎'God hath not promised skies always blue, flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God hath not promised sun without rain, joy without sorrow, peace without pain. But God hath promised strength for the day, rest for the labor, light for the way, grace for the trials, help from above, unfailing sympathy, undying love...And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.' ~ Revelations 21:4 —

I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn't have the heart to let her down...I've become a lover of quotes, I guess it's the beautiful inspiration of those words that whisper Hope into my ear and then my heart---my heart is inspired and has always been inspired by the love I've received since I was a little girl, having befriended the other part of my world...my dear Lisa...life didn't seem to exist before her...and still...our love remains...and she always saw something in me that made me believe in ME...so "I" truly feel like today's quote...so many people tend to look at me...and still say "I don't know what I'd do if I lost a child"..."Or your life will never be the same"...yes, said over and over by many---not Lisa, she is my Spirit---uplifter---no matter what I do---even the smallest steps taken, she applauds me...before she had me---age five Lisa had a make believe friend....a big pretend Indian who wouldn't talk to her---I've lived and laughed at her recall over the years of how grateful she was to shake him and begin a friendship with me...and all it takes is the Belief that someone so loyal and true...believes in you...and that----can make all the difference....

"And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” –---I Hope and wish constantly---that "me" being here...is serving the best purpose...redefining myself since I lost Adam makes me seek purpose in everything, I laughed last night when one of Jordan's friends smiled and said "my God Lori, is there anything you can't do?"...he was teasing me about the homemade wreaths and boughs of pine I entwined...then embellished...yes, I've kept myself busy....perhaps, in my own way---this busy hobby of learning new things has helped me in more ways than I could put into words...our longs walks...Ted and I reflect, we talk---we share----as only two loving parents who have endured loss can---yet somehow on those walks we are still able to see beauty, and as we walk---we collect, I guess we're sort of like small children in our escapades---collecting pine cones and twigs, the stuff we decorate those wreaths with...then we give back---we often talk about how lucky we are to have the people we have in our lives...some, came literally out of nowhere...we think of life now---what's left, and what is ahead of us---after a glass of wine and sore fingers from my wreath making, I visited a friend...a gentle knock on the door...to make her day with my little creation...I boldly said "I'm tired of being sad all the time"..."so I'm not going to anymore, and those who want to be sad around me....well, I'll distance myself"...of course I'm sad, I still cry every single day for Adam...oftentimes I'll keep my sobs silent, I'll wait till Jordan's off to work, or I'll sit on the floor of Adam's room....remembering, but then something clicks, and I am reminded of ALL Adam lived for, like Abraham Lincoln's magnificent phrase....it's not about the years...it's about the life lived...and the rest of my life...I want to rebuild with the most purpose I can....it's hard work, but I think I can do this....

....what legacy would I leave? It's something Teddy and I spoke of several times off and on about since yesterday...yesterday was sad...so utterly and devastatingly sad---we went to a Memorial service to "remember" a young girl who was "taken" way too soon---her mom works with Teddy and there isn't a negative thing to say about anyone in that family---loving parents...kind and gentle siblings----beautiful daughter killed suddenly and tragically in a fatal car accident....reflections of a life filled with kindness and perfection...idealized thoughts which were reflected in the way she lived and loved....seemed like she had so much to do still---yet it ended without warning...yes, I can understand that...as we, parents who know that sadness can fully fathom, we stood there and watched another set of people, like me and ted----say goodbye to the child they loved...there seems to be nothing fair about it---yet as we drove away I realized I took away with me so much more than I brought there...trays full of cupcakes and a wishfulness that they'd find some Peace....yet there was more---much more...as her siblings spoke, their soft and delicate voices...almost fragile...whispered their love and memories...they ended with "We don't know how to live without you----so we won't"....my heart swelled as I fully understood that they, too, chose to live like we do----to embrace the person we had...and in some way....whether it be big or little...find ways to remember the love we had...and to keep our son's life in our lives and in our light...me, Ted tells me...when I die many will mourn...he tells me through years of nursing, I've touched many hearts, he told me the kindness my heart holds will be thought of by many---a legacy....makes a good person want to be even better...who wants to die without making a mark...yet many so--living a life of complacency----cannot or will not allow themselves to even consider the uncertainty of life...God can take it all away in an instant...there is no one safe---no special powers... no discrimination here----loss can be felt by anyone, it's randomness and unpredictability can throw even the most stable person off their feet...but you have a choice...give up and give in...or give it all you have....I'm choosing the second choice...I want to be remembered...I want people to remember me for me---not the sad woman who lost a son and gave up---I want people to see me as the face of strength----someone who lost much but turned away from hate...who still found a way to see her glass half full....shaking off pity and wearing a smile to help others not as strong, stand up again...God Bless those who have felt loss...who feel like their world is closing in...God Bless us all in sad times...and give us peace...to ease our aching hearts....and help us believe, that in time, we will all understand the whys......

yup----I have learned to "not enjoy Holidays", I respect them, I just don't feel the same way about them, how can I afterall? SO much has changed, so many people think we're strong, we're not that strong...we just are smart enough to know when to hide our sadness...

....I couldn't fall back to sleep this morning...the numbers on the clock glared 3:57....restless, I kept thinking of you....and the many things that travel inside my mind, the flood of memories, the sadness...sometimes even remembrances of that painful night...when those thoughts consume me, I silently pray...and as I laid there sleepless...my body finally began to relax...and I heard noises from the bathroom, Ted in the shower...that lull one falls into inbetween rest and sleep is where my mind was---and I felt a firm hand on my shoulder as I was lying on my right side, thinking it was your dad climbing next to me, to hold me a little longer like he normally does...but it wasn't him, the pressure of touch stayed on my shoulder for another few minutes till I turned to see there was nobody there....just another sign that God answered my prayer....

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people...We do it for ourselves to get well and move on...

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face us with the reality of our powerlessness. That is a friend who cares."

how much love can one person give? And how many roles of fulfillment can one man give? I look at your dad and in amazement wonder where I would be without him...through this journey of sadness...the one constant has always been him...my love, my Teddy....walking aside me, never letting go of my hand...even now, his hand finds mine beneath covers at night and he gently holds onto it till we fall asleep...his love protects me...he believes in me...in us...in life as it will continue...he inspires me like no one else can...his loves wraps around me like a warm and loving blanket...the kindness in those sad blue eyes...eyes like yours...that even after all we've been through...can lock with mine...and reflect memories of times before. With him, I've never lost laughter...I have lost so much...and faced so many disappointments...but love from him---your father, keeps me afloat...no one knows what we feel better than each other....no one misses you more than we do.......................

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."
As a parent, I think the most cherished memories are those of a child's laughter...and the smiles that could literally change a stressful day into a Blessed moment. Adam and Jordan had powerful smiles, the kind that could light up a room with their presence...losing Adam...I worried I would lose my own smiles...and forget how to laugh...as sadness looms about----the laughter seems hidden in the distance...a lonesome memory of a day long gone...but there are still times when we smile...and laugh...no longer do I feel guilt for acquiring that smile...or allowing that laugh to come through...now when I laugh, I think of Adam...and how he'd want to see and hear me...how it was him and his silliness that oh so often was the source of my smiles...him---Jordan----their friends...the things I would hear, the stories---the fabrications of silly matter that my two would conjure up....and that I was able to laugh with them....one day I know I will hear him again---the laugh, his, like no others will be heard.

...sticking your hand near a flame is painful...and that pain----the mere thought of it... induces fright...that same pain and fear is similar to that which others feel about looking at grief head-on...it isn't easy, it's much easier to pass by that flame then feel it's burn...it's scary to feel the immense heat it puts forth...me, Jordan...Teddy, we've been brave, always, not one of us had ever been afraid to face feelings...part of recovery is facing them...perhaps not all at once---maybe little steps as I, myself have chosen to take...but to not face them is to further self defeat...I've learned much---sometimes I think that although I am faced with so much pain...I have gained so much wisdom...I'm not afraid of anyone else's flame...there is nothing that could hurt me now...I've suffered the worst and yet I still want to help others who feel like they're on fire...

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Forgive me, Friend
If I don’t seem there—
If I seem a little distant
Or you think I don’t care.
My child has died

It’s hard to explain
My down-an-out days
When I don’t respond
Or I seem in a daze
My child has died.

I seem to be happy
When I suddenly cry—
The emotion overpowers me,
Hard as I try.
My child has died

So forgive me, My Friend,
When I can’t seem to give.
I’m doing all I can
Just to get up and live.
My child has died.

"Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief."

sometimes...when you go through a tragedy as I did...you constantly look for answers...and even though a good mind knows there really aren't any that will satisfy---you still quest on...answers? I see they aren't there---at least in solid form, no true definitive questions to a myriad of mind boggling "Whys" that I have imposed upon myself...wondering if Adam is okay...if he misses me/us...if he knew how much love was felt for him then---and now? Someone suggested I talk with a clairvoyant...to ease this pain of not knowing...and I did, it was just two weeks ago. I guess I thought I'd go in there getting the answers that I needed...but I didn't, but the one thing I did get was another type of Peace...the kind you get when your Faith is so strong that you need not question another human being---the kind of Peace that knowing in my heart---anything else that anyone else could say---or Hope for, truly doesn't matter...if my belief is strong, then I know in my heart, that he is safe and well, in God's arms...and that he is waiting for my time...and for Ted and Jordan to rejoin again as a family for eternity...words...mean little...I'm sure there are people with "gifts"...they possess Spirit and perhaps can see a little farther ahead than others...but then again so do I. I can't tell you what you had for lunch yesterday----or what your future will hold, but my gift of optimism is rare....and I know I have a heartfelt and compelling nature that nurtures love and friendship...and that I have a purpose...perhaps the things that someone like the elderly clairvoyant who spoke with me can ease the pains of aching hearts...for that, it is a Blessing, for me, our visit just reinforced my commitment to God in knowing he'll guide me, as long as I keep my heart open...

Good Times Bring Bad Times


Good times bring bad times
And bad times bring sad hearts.

Sad hearts bring sad eyes
And sad eyes bring strong shoulders.

Strong shoulders bring warm hearts
And warm hearts bring old friends.

Old friends bring old memories
And old memories bring new smiles.

New smiles bring glad hearts

please forgive me if I say too little...or perhaps too much,
forgive the distance that sometimes places awkwardness between us...
please know that my mind is consumed with other thoughts...distant memories of a young man I shall see no more...
understand if I walk in silence...as tears fill my eyes...
as I fade out the noise of others with trivial matters...for my head is swimming with sadness...
Walk aside me...hold my hand...soothe my heart...this isn't easy...
each day is a new struggle...I wish to feel happiness again...and I do remember what that feels like...
and I know the son I lost would want to hear my laughter bellow once again...
sadness looms, I feel empty many days...wake to a new day with a hint of optimism that sometimes dissipates...
but I get up...and move along...with hopes that the strength of me...along with others...will carry me through...

yesterday I posted a beautiful quote...I do that a lot...I guess...like I have mentioned before, positive thinking = positive state of mind? Perhaps? Sometimes I am not sure...I am certainly not truly happy anymore...I guess me, and people like me...just learn how to live "best" with coping with constant sadness..."Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"...quotes like this have become my mantra...because I do go to bed each night with a constant "hopefulness" that maybe....just maybe ---the next day will be better...I guess with time, I have adapted. I fit normally into any social setting...but the person I was...simply isn't "her" anymore. Life is cruel sometimes...and leaves someone like me wondering...that big question? WHY? I miss Adam...and not only have I lost him, I have lost the person that Jordan was...what is left of him is filled with sadness...the longing and empty feelings that occupy my head and mind...live inside him now too...each one of us goes through the motions...today was Jordan's birthday and Adam should have been here...to eat with us---or share a toast...to laugh...eat...converse...but a mistake he made took him away from us forever...days like today are hard...so I'll pray harder and more frequently that somehow my Faith will stay steadfast...

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"....

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it....

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it....

"Before you can inspire with emotion, you must be swamped with it yourself. Before you can move their tears, your own must flow. To convince them, you must yourself believe."

"For everything you have missed...you have gained something else...and for everything you gain....you lose something else...it is about your outlook towards life...you can either regret or rejoice...."
me...it's one of the only things I have left...my hopefulness...I posted this on my facebook page and another mom remarked about it, how her daughter's death has caused her nothing but heartaches and tainted outlooks...and my heart felt her heart sink...for I could easily see that the loss of her daughter has taken away a great deal of her hopefulness...my life now?...I oftentimes feel slighted...bordering on bitterness, but something literally stops me from going anywhere further...I just don't want to do that...to me, to others, isolating myself from love that may be offered...friendships that might await me...of course I wished many times...that my life would just stop. Why shouldn't it? After all, anything really good is over now, right? But I do possess Faith...and with it comes Hope...and my Hopefulness is that one day I will learn the whys of all that I was faced to see and brave through...but mainly to be with my son again one day for eternity, for I know that's where he waits for me...

Dear Mom...
I needed to somehow let you know the depths of sorrow I feel watching over you and seeing the sadness that still looms over you...your heart heavy with the pain my passing has inflicted upon you...I need you to know that I am always there...riding alongside you...I watch you...I smile when you smile...I am in the laughter that you hear in the distance...the music you and dad listen to...I am the peacefulness you feel when you allow yourself to drift off to sleep at night...I'm there...I know you see me, I visit you almost every night in your slumber. No goodbyes or explanations to you by me left you wondering...painstakingly trying to see the whys and cast blame on yourself...but you're not to blame...never. You were a good mom---the best, you knew how I felt about you, I made a huge mistake and I lost my life to it...but your life doesn't end...it's not meant to so you need to gather what's left and mend...you and dad and Jordan, I loved my family and all those around me knew this...we had such love inside our hearts and home...things will eventually get easier...I just need you to know that I am safe...and that I am happy...and our love, the one that me and you had a mom and son...will never fade, I love you...Adam xoxo

*I had such vivid dreams of Adam lately and could almost touch and smell him...when I awoke I could smell his cologne "Joop"...in this dream he asked me to write a letter to myself from him...so that's exactly what I did...I need to continue to heal...

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don't understand yourself...

The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love...

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries ...it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.

She wrote "I'm chasing my dreams harder than ever because his dreams were cut short. I'll never forget him"...me either...as I sat writing back and forth with a girl Adam went to Catholic grade school with...a tomboy he had a little crush on in 2nd or 3rd grade...yup, I've been trying to chase all sorts of things since he left us here...jumping out of shadows into light once again...trying to find light from out of the darkness...trying to recreate a new "self" again...after my loss...the self I am now isn't the one I was...I see I'll never be her again and I mourne that too...
but who am I now? Remarkably, I am still here...I chose not to jump off a bridge...or bury my head 'neath the sand...and I, like her...need to create new dreams and chase after them...life without Adam...swallowing hard each day to verbalize that into words that are spoken...and absorbed...and finally...understood.

Limitations live only in our minds...if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless...since you've left me here behind...I had to learn how to live with loss...and each day I awake I make a conscious effort and decision that I need to get through another day...with hopes that it'll be a good one...and that a small piece of you will somehow reflect in a moment of that new day...and it does, with my heart wide open I have pushed all limits aside...I have learned so much from you here and now with you gone...Many things we've shared I focus on...always with pride...knowing what a good soul you possessed...where others may have paused...I somehow took hold of strength inside to push my limits...I love you Adam...always and forever xoxo

"I'm happy for your strength as you lift mountains and create trails in the forest to make an imprint like a river"...powerfully put words...I ponder the depth of the young man who wrote that...to me....with sincerity....my young friend...Adam's childhood friend, mentor...big brother figure....super hero many, many times...a boy who'd defend him till the end...even now in Adam's death...he still fights the demons that on occasion find us...I wonder what Adam would say if he could right now...I know he'd be amazed at the support his friends gave to us, continually...I remember much...because little things always meant so much...I'm glad I got to see my son interact...I'm Blessed I knew his friends...and in amazement I still am witness to those, like Earl, who want Adam's memory not to fade...to be remembered for the good he did, the hearts he touched and the love he gave to those around. Sadly, there are others who try and rip apart what we believe and hold steadfast to....but...."death visits everyone, only a few get to hang around being immortalized"...and like those who knew him well..."his memory" isn't of how he died...it's how he lived his life and the legacy of love that still follows...

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today...

...in a life of uncertainty, no one really knows what's going to happen next...the good...the bad, the unpredictability of it all...the only constant is that we have this one moment...and a chance to say what we feel inside our hearts...there is nothing at all that scares me anymore...because the worst thing that could happen...already has. I guess what I have left now is a depth of knowledge...recognition and an understanding of what everyone else has felt...who had been consumed by a severe loss as I...and I have been given the choice of using it...this new found knowledge...or allowing it to bring me down. Obviously I've chosen to use it's strength...but many moments still make me catch my breath...
I sat in church today and saw an elderly couple walking up to Father with the gifts for communion...something we Catholics do in memory of a loved one passed...my eyes welled up watching them...both white haired and fragile, him holding her by the arm...every bit of seventy something...choking back the tears...thinking, that will be me and Ted one day...walking up the aisle...remembering the son we lost...we'll be old people carrying the gifts with shaky hands...it's moments like that that almost make me give up...and then I look to my left and see Jordan, his soft hazel eyes smiling at me and I realize there's something more I have to do still...there's something more....until I see you again my sweet son...I will look for you each night in my dreams....always and forever, I will love you...

Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet....eighteen little words with monumental meaning...of course this rings true for me, for us...for Jordan who also struggles daily, as we...try to place one foot in front of the other and make movements forward...but in life...as we, the victims of sudden tragedy and sadness...watch as others who can't seem to move forward in their own lives and who haven't been afflicted with events nearly as bad as ours....but then again...I pause and reflect and think...God gives us strength to endure...it's the steps in a path I have created myself that he allows me to walk on...where others might lack strength, somehow God provides me with the inner strength that leads me onward. I pray constantly for continued strength...and that this path Ted and I and Jordan walk upon becomes less burdensome...and that my son especially...finds less toils along his way...and that Peace and Joy are 'round the bend...

I was wrapping an elderly woman's foot on Friday afternoon...she was utterly adorable and sweet, I was happy she was my last patient of the day...because the last patient is the one I get to spend the longest with...and then she looks at me and for some reason tells me about her family...her little one...comprised now of only a daughter. She goes onto tell me she had a son, who served his country in Vietnam...and was exposed to agent orange and died at 33...with with her little foot still held within my hands, I continue to wrap...and talk and listen...she tells me she had a wonderful husband...and her daughter who loved her....but she still thinks of him...the son she lost... everyday...and looks forward to seeing him soon, she is afterall 88, and not having the courage to ask (for it may have pained us both equally knowing she hadn't seen him for 30, 40 or perhaps 50 yrs. now)...but after I removed my gloves...and washed my hands, I sat down on her bed and put my arms around her...and told her I knew her pain. I asked her how long it took her to go through the worst of it all...I told her my struggles, and she eased me with her response..."my Lord, it's only been 17 months...it's early yet, it took me a few years...but you need to stay strong and I think you are...". I guess I am....for there are no other choices here...and we are as strong as we allow ourselves to be. Adam's death has taught me much...I know what's important and what's not...I know what's good and sincere...I recognize insincerities...I raidiate in warmth of those who truly care...and distance myself from anyone who causes my heart to ache...and I keep my heart open...and remember all the Joy that once lived inside...it never escaped...it's still in there...living...breathing...waiting...for my heart to continue healing....

I do not understand the mystery of grace—only that it meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us.

I would be true, for there are those who trust me;
I would be pure, for there are those who care;
I would be strong, for there is much to suffer;
I would be brave, for there is much to dare;
I would be brave, for there is much to dare.

I would be friend of all--the foe, the friendless;
I would be giving, and forget the gift;
I would be humble, for I know my weakness;
I would look up, and laugh, and love and lift.
I would look up, and laugh, and love and lift.

I would be faithful through each passing moment;
I would be constantly in touch with God;
I would be strong to follow where He leads me;
I would have faith to keep the path Christ trod;
I would have faith to keep the path Christ trod.

i would be true - howard arnold walter - 1906

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look!

"Joy is choosing to see the beauty and blessings no matter what comes our way in life. It doesn't disappear because of the circumstances. Happiness is circumstantial, but joy builds in your life over time"...

"There comes a time in your life, when you have to walk away from all the drama and from the people who create it. You should surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living." ♥

"All things are difficult before they are easy"...while cleaning tonight I found this little quote, the fortune inside of an cookie I must have saved from God knows when? And as I continued to clean...and think, I thought about what's been easy? Nothing...everything has been an unbelievable challenge...a struggle, a climb up against so much hurt....frustration....facing fears daily. But as I reflect, I see Hope ahead...as I always do, even now in the most dismal of times...last week I met an older lady who seemed taken with me...perhaps hearts like mine connect with others who have similar hearts...or that perhaps sad souls seem to float and meld into the hearts of others who strive for solace...she told me of her mother...and how her brother died an untimely passing...strangely, she didn't realize my loss...I seldom share this anymore...I find it easier not to...unless I'm going to develop a relationship...and so far it's been helping me...but I had to ask her...how did she do it? How did she survive after such a brutal amputation...the loss of a child? And she said with affirmation...she had to...she was quite strong, she knew we needed her still..."me, my dad....she had some grand kids"...and as I drove home that day, I happened to think of my own grandma again...funny thing now is that I think of her more than I ever did...sometimes I'm ashamed of myself for the things I didn't tell her while I had her, or how I neglected to think of her more until now...during my loss...but I drove to the cemetery where she is buried...and I sat and cried....endless tears...and prayed for her to give me strength...and as tasted the salty drops pouring from my eyes...pulling weeds haphazardly away from her stone...I realized that's exactly what she did...she lost 3 kids and a loving husband before she joined them all in Heaven...just as I look back, nothing ever restrained her laughter...the little snort she'd give when she'd tell a silly joke...and when she thought it might have been too off color for me to listen to...it would turn into Pennsylvania Dutch...God I miss her...and oftentimes I do or say things that only a grandchild of hers could say or do...and as I drove home...and saw the reflection of her gravestone in my rear view....I knew she was there for me...and that Peace followed me on my journey home.....

The gift of inspiration is that God fills us with understanding and vision, and enlivens our grieving spirits.

"Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting"....

Dear Adam....
Summer approaches...the warm sun beating down on my face...somehow it gives me strength...I look to the sky and ask God for continual support....if i give up on Faith, I have nothing left. Days are hard...I think about the day that awaits me, when perhaps I'll awake and not think of you immediately with sadness in my heart...I hold steadfast to Hope...that peace will find us all...and that somehow....someday...my heavy heart will lighten. I've learned to look up...and face the sun....to live outside the darkness and the shadows that for a time....had me hidden within....I see that wasn't a good place to hide...so now I face the sun...and wish so desperately...to find sort of happiness...in this life I have left xoxo

Dear Adam...
Sometimes I want to write on your facebook wall and let your friends know how much you loved them...I still read the things they write and knowing them and knowing the depths of you...from being your mom...I knew how deeply the love you held inside your heart ran...and still...as my own heart breaks, I know how much your absence has affected so many others...some days I'll pass someone and catch my breath....wondering if a day should come and go without them batting back tears? I think to myself, "how can this be?"...the unfairness of it all...that I much now be forced to live a life without you? And all the times as we...as children are told "you only have one life so live it wisely and live it well?...in my case, it didn't ring true because you see Adam...dad and I followed that guidance and now we, must live a life that remains without you, our puzzle is missing a key piece...we are like a car without a wheel...a table missing a leg...the three of us try to do the best we can, but it's been so darn hard. And often others have no understanding of the magnitude of loss...we heal...I see that, but it's a long and arduous process...I've felt strong some days and weak on others...the roller coaster still drags me on board for rides no one else could fathom...I wait for God to give me Peace...I wait patiently knowing you would have never meant to leave any of us...and that you loved each one of us in your own special way...

Mrs. LaRizzio, I just want to thank you for the amazing award it means so much to me. I remember when I first met Adam in 7th grade when I first moved here and he always gave me a high five. Then a couple years later I saw him once again at the school where him and Matt played music for the volleyball tournament where I fell in love with his music and even today I still ask Matt Dunbar what bands are good to listen too. I also got to get to know Adam more when he worked up at split rock (where I also work at now) I was only 16 and I loved going up there with my friend Talon Fogal. Every time we went up we got lucky and saw Adam at work. Some great memories I had with him was when he would let us play pool or ping pong when we weren't guest of the hotel and also my favorite memory was when Talon and I sat in the hot tub, Adam knew Talon and I were young but let us go, yet once Adam saw young teens who were already bad sitting in the hot tub he would kick them out but told us that we were fine and talked to us about school and of course girls. Not only did Adam help us stay in the hot tub and play games, but he also showed me a lot about myself, Adam loved his town and loved good people. Him showed me to only to love one's town but to love life and to love who you are. I love knowing that being yourself is the best thing you can do in life. I am finally graduating this year and have big plans for my future. I am going to attend university of south Alabama in mobile. Where I am going to major in meteorology and also be apart of AFROTC where I will become an officer in the Air Force after college. I promise you that I will work hard and make Jim Thorpe along with your family and Adam proud. I hope to one day meet you and show my thanks for this award. I thank you so much once again and I promise to make you proud.

"So when you fail, relax. Fail again. Fail faster. You're doing wonders for yourself. There are no mistakes in life, only lessons that will allow you to go farther and farther in your journey"....

"We falter and we fall, but we do not have to fail. We bounce back and resume our journey with renewed energy. That is the power of resilience"...

Please remember me, happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin, the time when
We counted every black car passing

Your house beneath the hill and up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention

But please remember me, fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then they went on to say that the Pearly Gates
Had such eloquent graffiti

Like 'We'll meet again' and 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their great handshakes
But always done in such a hurry

And please remember me, at Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white, by midnight
We'd forgotten one another

And when the morning came I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world and then returned
And now you're lit up by the city

So please remember me, mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower
Call, then pass us by but much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour

Gleam and resonate just like the gates
Around the Holy Kingdom
With words like, 'Lost and found' and 'Don't look down'
And 'Someone save temptation'

And please remember me as in the dream
We had as rug burned babies
Among the fallen trees and fast asleep
Beside the lions and the ladies

That called you what you like and even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see a trapeze
Swinger high as any savior

But please remember me, my misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain and chasing trains
The colored birds above their running

In circles round the well and where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter
So bright on cinder gray in spray paint
'Who the hell can see forever?'

And please remember me, seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees, you turn from me
And said the trapeze act was wonderful

But never meant to last, the clowns that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs, the parking lot
Had an element of danger

So please remember me, finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear, but if I make the Pearly Gates
I'll do my best to make a drawing

Of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl
An angel kissin' on a sinner
A monkey and a man, a marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swinger

Slip away...I didn't feel it...
How could you leave me...so sudden...not a plan?
And how can life keep in motion without you here?
There was laughter one day...and then silence...which follows me...everyday
I miss the sounds of you...I miss your smile...I wake each day still hoping I was wrong...that you're not gone...
reality...so brutal...no one knows the pain I must carry...the smile I paint on and the face I hid behind...how I cry myself to sleep each night...wondering if I could have done anything differently and if you'd still be here?
I miss how you made me feel...as a mother...the pride you placed upon me...
I know you loved me...and I know you felt loved...
I'm angry sometimes...it fluctuates from me...to you...to God....
I wonder why me???? What did I ever do to deserve this? I watch and hear others interact with their families and see the void in mine...
And I am told that my Faith needs to be strong...to hold me up and lead me to you one day...
Nothing's fair...will God lighten the burdens cast upon my heart and soul...
or will that slip away???

Thank you Karen for sharing our gratitude...in your beautifully written article...

Surrounded and supported by a community they loved, the LaRizzios realized there were two things important to them keeping their youngest son's memory alive, and giving back to the community that had been there for them in their hour of need.

Helping them do that were Adam's friends, who within a few short weeks of his death, pulled together an event they dubbed "Eggfest" to celebrate his life. Held at TB's 903 Pub in Penn Forest Township, over 200 people attended while four bands entertained for 10 hours. The event raised $2,500.

"Adam's nickname was Egg," says Lori, explaining that the moniker was teasingly bestowed upon him by a friend of his older brother, Jordan. "He liked the name and it stuck."

Adam loved music and was a talented and promising musician. He was outgoing and personable says Lori, and Eggfest was a testament to everything he loved, and what people loved about him.

"It was a celebration of Adam's life with music, fellowship and food," she says. "Just friends listening to bands and socializing."

Eggfest was the idea of Earl and Julie Kunkle of Jim Thorpe, who were helped by many of Adam's other friends. It was held the day before the Jim Thorpe St. Patrick's Day Parade, an event Adam loved and would never miss.

Knowing that friends who had moved from the area or were away at school would return for the parade made it the perfect weekend for Eggfest.

"Earl was one of his best friends and a brother figure," says Lori. "It was their idea to host this. The bands donated the music for free. All of them remembered and knew Adam."

Although they were still reeling from their grief, Lori and Teddy wanted to give back. They knew it would be a way to help them start to heal.

Soon after Eggest, they created the Adam LaRizzio Memorial Scholarship Foundation. Last year they gave a $1,000 scholarship to a graduating senior from Jim Thorpe Area High School.

This year, Adam's friends again came through with Eggfest, which will be an annual event. Held at the American Legion in Jim Thorpe, it raised about $2,000.

Another $1,300 was added to the fund when members of the Diligent Fire Company, in the Heights section of Jim Thorpe, hosted a Valentine's Dance. Adam had been a social member of the fire house.

In addition to random donations over the past year, Rob Kovac, the girls basketball coach at the high school, hosted an elementary school basketball tournament and donated the proceeds as well.

While presenting a qualified student with scholarship money in Adam's name is a noble gesture, the LaRizzios realized they want to do more.

With the money raised at the dance, Teddy purchased a 55-inch high definition television and the couple donated it to Jim Thorpe Area High School, where it hangs in the weight room. A custodian at the high school, Teddy's coworkers helped him install it.

"They were so grateful," said Lori. "They will be hanging a plaque in memory of Adam."

In addition to being a football player, Adam was a power lifter at the high school and would frequent the weight room.

"As much as he liked sports and all, he loved to go into the weight room and socialize," recalls Teddy with a smile. "Minimal work; max with the talking. He was a great conversationalist; he definitely was social."

Jim Thorpe Area High School Principal Tom Lesisko has fond memories of Adam.

"Adam strove to make people smile and feel good about themselves," recalled Lesisko. "Whether he used humor, a hug, or listened, he made people feel special. This included people from all walks of life and ability levels.

"The Adam LaRizzio Foundation follows the philosophy lived by Adam and by his family. The foundation will carry on Adam's drive to keep people positive about their lives and find a place where they may excel," Lesisko added.

While the LaRizzios, including son Jordan, 25, plan to focus the efforts of Adam's foundation on helping students at Jim Thorpe Area High School, it is also important to them to offer help to others who have suffered a similar loss.

Before Adam's death, Lori was a hospice nurse. Although she faced death and sadness every day, it brought her a sense of fulfillment to prepare people for their final journey, and to help comfort and support their loved ones.

In spite of being unprepared for her son's death, the knowledge of how to deal with it served her well, and helped her and her family deal with their loss.

"Teddy and I did everything you need to do to survive," says Lori, hoping to someday share that knowledge with others.

"Counseling, support groups, faith whatever that is to you, you need to cling to it. Surround yourself with positive friends you can't be around negative people."

Teddy agrees.

"Friends helped us through it, without a doubt," he says. "The pain doesn't end after the funeral. Friends are even more important months later. There is nothing to say. Just be there. Sit. Cry. Tell stories and share happy memories."

Lori says they are lucky that the support of their friends never ended.

"People believe in us," she adds.

Friends like Lisa Williams, Lori's best friend since kindergarten, and others from the community where both Lori and Teddy were born and raised, came together in droves to support them.

Over 1,000 people waited in line to pay their final respects at the funeral.

Another thing that Lori credits with helping her survive such a devastating loss, is her husband.

"The biggest thing I have is Teddy," says Lori of her high school sweetheart, and the man she has also known since kindergarten.

"He's amazing. I feel bad for people who don't have that. He loved Adam as much as I did, so he's there for me.

"He's such a good person."

After Adam died, it was difficult for Lori and Teddy to return to work. It took Lori four months, and then, she found she could no longer do hospice work.

"It's just too painful right now," says Lori. "I learned a lot (as a hospice nurse). Having that background helped me a lot."

While it is too difficult for Lori to work in hospice now, she would like to use that background to help other families dealing with a similar loss.

"I would like to be able to share this with somebody who needs it," says Lori. "I'd love to help someone else, if I can."

Lori is thinking about starting a support group for people who have experienced a sudden, tragic loss.

"It was suggested by the therapist that I do that to help other people," says Lori, who is no longer in need of grief counseling.

"If a couple would approach me, I would open my home. If a need arises, I would definitely put a plan into action."

Understanding how hard it is to return to work after this type of loss, the LaRizzios also realize the financial difficulties. They are exploring ways to help others in similar situations, even if it's just paying for a week's worth of groceries for a grieving famly from money raised through the foundation.

"We're not sure what we will do yet," said Teddy. "Other families could benefit. We would like to give back."

"We want to help people," added Lori. "If we can help one this year, and two next year, imagine how it's going to grow."

To allow them to accomplish more, the LaRizzios plan to change the name of the foundation from the Adam LaRizzio Memorial Scholarship Foundation to the Adam LaRizzio Memorial Foundation.

They will continue to award a scholarship, but in order to help more people, the amount has been changed to $500.

Those wishing to learn more about Adam and the LaRizzio family can visit Lori's blog at http://adamsmom57.blogspot.com/.

To contact the LaRizzio family send them an email at llarizzio@hotmail.com.

Be kinder than necessary,
For everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly,
And pray continually.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
it's about learning to dance in the rain...

...I held you...and your little hand....
I watched you grow...I smiled through the years of living in your laughter...
and watching the happiness you bestowed to all of those around you...
I was watchful...and encouraging, I thought you were perfect...
you'd come to me...when you felt down...or needed to share thoughts...
many times...you already had the answers...but felt like you needed my agreeance...
I trusted you...I trusted "us"...knowing in my heart...we had a bond like no other...
I didn't get to have that "moment"...no good-bye...you slipped away one night...
and never came back...I hold other hands...and close my eyes...often pretending I can feel you through their touch...I pull the sheets tightly around me each night and ask God to allow you to visit me in beautiful dreams...and often you do...
....time...it continues...and it's hard...life is harsh at times...the roller coaster of ups and downs...I have so much faith...that you know how I am feeling...and want this pain to subside...I keep looking for signs...and waiting for better things to find me...to lift me up once again...

Some people don't believe in anything. They don't believe in God, they don't believe in Heaven, they don't even believe in themselves. I believe in all of these things, plus a lot more. And having a guardian Angel like you makes it even easier to have faith. Thank you so much for all you have done and for watching out for us all. I know you played a part in Dad getting this promotion, and it only makes believing that much easier. Rest easy my brotha. Until the day we meet again........that's what Jordan had written on Adam's facebook wall last night...it's things like that...that make me want to believe....

Adam was truly proud of his dad...he adored him, actually got a "kick" out of him...as different as they had been...several things always connected them...their fondness of the "Fighting Irish"...the Yankees....a love for Bruce Springsteen...the joys of playing poker...and the way he'd lovingly tell all of his friends his dad was "a master of the custodial arts"...Ted was always there...in Adam's backdrop...in the fields as he and Jordan played football and baseball...smiling in the halls with his equipment...ready to fix something or lend a hand...we all knew Ted's commitment...the way he possessed these old-fashioned morals that are seldom seen now days...and the effortless way he seemed to perform his many tasks...never complaining and doing many kind things that no one else (besides me) knew about...and he'd smile...only the way that Adam could smile (with warmth and brilliance)....and no one on earth (besides Jordan) could possibly be prouder of Ted's accomplishment tonight...
Something deep inside tells me that Adam was watching from above tonight...as an achievement in Ted's life was met...and as much as it means...the joy we'd have to share this with Adam is lost...my tears continue...wishing I could see him embrace his father...wishing....he could embrace this moment...

When we are weak, we can still be strong. When we're under the greatest stress and facing the greatest challenges, it may be the best day of our lives, for God is working to make us into the people he wants us to be.

the Holidays are difficult, it's a tough thing to do...muddle through it. I see others scurry to meet the demands life places upon us to create "just the perfect day" but a loss like ours can change the hectic nature that once consumed us too...life is much different now...longer pauses and larger amounts of time and space wrap around us...we continue to grieve and mourn and we have accepted what has been cast at us...and although my tears continue...the warmth in them and the nature of how I cry has somewhat changed....I have become aware of the Blessed memories that my tears now contain...I realize that is all I have left and that I need to cherish them...and thankfully, I do...and my heart remains open as I continue on this journey...and if I close my eyes and drift off...to days before...I can envision Adam and Jordan as little children...filled with life and laughter...and how wonderful those moments had been...and how amazing my life was...and I don't want to ever forget what I was...or still can be...so I dust myself off each day, put on a smile...and face the world...in Hopes that someday true happiness will find me once again...

"It is God who enables us to return to life after tragedy—not by eradicating all suffering but by giving us the strength and the courage to heal what we can heal"....

I have grown to see that we cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are....We know that there is nothing that could ever fill the void that Adam's passing has created, but we do realize that an open heart and giving of oneself has helped people like us in immeasurable ways...

"Good friends are hard to find, that's why you should hold them tight." - Adam (Egg) LaRizzio ♥

When you come to the edge of the light as you know it, and all that stands before you is darkness and fear of the unknown......
remember your faith. It will give you either a leg to stand on or wings to fly.

Your journey is your personal one ....but friends can go with you. Sometimes it might be awkward, and uncomfortable. Sometimes you want them
there...close at hand...and other times...you want to send them home. But whatever you want...it is the right thing for you at the right time. And a real friend ...even though they might not understand it ...will honor it and respect your feelings. I can only pray that you find the answers deep in your soul that you ask...and until then...know that love endures the test of time...there is no limit to its endurance...no fading of its hope...it is the one thing that still stands...when all else has fallen.

and old friend writes me frequently, her words always hold Faith and optimism...her most recent note told me a tale of her own personal feelings of loss...of another young person who died too soon....too early..."there still isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think of her. Isn’t that a tribute? A gentle friend's memory, and her essence, are still alive and well despite all these passing years! We talked about her and just the kind of good person she was—always had a smile—and could give you one, too! She still holds a special place. Gone from our “family” but never from our hearts. Thought you might find some comfort in hearing that because people will always have Adam’s memory, and essence, with them too. And that “feeling” in their hearts that HE LEFT THEM! That’s the best tribute you get in life, leaving those kinds of impressions on hearts that you are never forgotten no matter how many years pass! I just find that to be such an awesome and extremely touching thought! Not everyone leaves that, you know. But you know Adam did……………"....I know how many hearts his heart has touched...countless hearts....I wonder somedays if I will ever meet someone else like him...his zest...his sincerity...he always wanted to believe in people...somehow...somewhere...he had gifts...amazing gifts...his love ran so deeply and his compassion was compelling...impressions...his imprints are deeply rooted in every piece of my being...

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.... It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home...a stranger into a friend...some of my best friends now have been people I have met through my loss...my home is never absent of sounds, movement and activity...I still hear Adam's presense in the voices of his friends...the encircling of laughter and love keep me going when nothing else can....may my home never be empty...by heart never be deflated...and my door remain open...so others may come in...and share the gratitude I feel...always...

direction...trying to figure out what way I am meant to go....some days spinning...lost and hopeless...and then other days filled with hopefulness...I guess that's normal...or so they say...after all, what is normal anyway? At night I climb beneath the covers...say my prayers and whisper to God...asking him to let you come into my dreams...I know...it's all very sad...it never feels good....nothing really feels good yet....and perhaps it never will...yet I continue on...and pray that others will support me...and sometimes I am disheartened, I guess I think others could or should feel as I do...and be there...listen...hope....and pray...and oftentimes it's just not that way....

"It is not doing the things we like to do but liking the things we have to do that makes life blessed".....

"Confidence comes from not always being right—but not fearing being wrong".

You're that kind of friend....

...there are friends we meet upon the road of life....such as we ALL have known....who turn aside when the way is rough and leave us to journey alone...
But the friend who's true and sees us through...who stands by to the end...
with a friendly smile....that's the friend worthwhile...and you're just that kind of friend...
...amazingly, my best friend gave me this poem....on a wrinkled and worn old card from Hallmark....circa 1934...it was signed Micky Yaccino....and Lisa found this little treasure on her little trips through yard sales...and thought of me...and "us" and rare and beautiful friendship that our lives have encompassed over the past four decades...and with wonder and amazement I reflect on how much meaning that little card shows to me...and also...again (over and over) I think about Lisa's love...it was "that" which has helped me see a light ahead...it was her comforting voice and continuued encouragement that led be to believe in new tomorrows...it was her who never let go of my hand while I walked across my river of fear...my heart breaks for those who don't know "that kind of friend" but my heart also swells with gratitude for all the Grace and Love she surrounds me with...and makes me believe...that I was "that kind of friend" all along, too...whoever Micky wrote that card to back in 1934...well she sure was lucky...

Dear Adam...
Life is so hard...it's truly a challenge that your passing has put me through...daily. The ups and downs...trying to fit in...trying to make sense...of the senseless...And it seems as though everything I do is difficult...yesterday was really hard on me...even more so than other days...which all seem to be like climbing a mountain. A mom I met was telling me about how her child was projected to die before he hit his teens...and as she so passionately spoke about her love...her child...she looked me square in the eyes and said "I'll bet you or others never thought about arranging a child's funeral...or getting ready to let go of someone so loved"...and fighting back tears and avoiding her gaze reading into my mind...I nodded...and listened and felt that return of the sickening sadness that often overwhelms me...and again, I played the support role I was so accustomed to taking on...and as I left...with my guarded secret safe...I silently fell apart inside the warmth and haven of my car...and I drove on...I thought about you...again for the millionth time...and how I had to let you go...and accept with blind sightedness...the fact that I'll never see you again...my wishfulness that I loved you enough...told you enough...how amazing you were...love, Mom xoxo

grief...the faceless monster most people won't recognize until it comes personally knocking on their door...the grim and dismal affect it casts upon you that follows you like a shadow...never being able to run and hide from it...grief...like I have learned is long and arduous...I can easily see now where it can alter lives significantly...indefinitely...unendingly...where little old ladies...and little old men die shortly after they experience loss....their grief consumes them and they actually die of broken hearts...I live "this life" day in and day out...I drift between wanting to float along...versus the desire to change lives...I so desperately want to change lives...I have Faith and passion like no other....but there seems to be so many obstacles...some days I buy into others weaknesses...or shrink as I visualize the pain they feel even trying to "talk about it"...Adam has become the ghost in the room...I'd like to say "not with me"...but it's true...I'm learning how I can "talk" about him without others looking at me with strange eyes and odd expressions...I think MANY people think when someone dies...you aren't supposed to talk about them anymore...it's like when you bury them...you bury everything else...and for many...they simply don't know or perhaps even care to know what someone like ME is feeling inside my head. I have to sit day in and day out listening to other's tales...woes...issues...and smile like it means something...all the while I fight the sadness inside my mind...courageuos? I guess you could say I am...and I listen...learn...as I fight my way "back" each day...and you know what else? I want to change lives...I want to make someone else's life change...in a positive way...I don't want to sit and repeat the same unfulfilling things day in and day out...and these past few months of self-reflection is like seeing myself in a mirror for the first time...someone told me to be gentle on myself...as I heal....she's right, now she needs to tell others to be that way...

"Courage can be a form of tenaciousness, a refusal to quit because you’re tired, hurt, humiliated or emotionally broken".

"Now I wake me up to live; I'll give life all I have to give. If today I face a test, I'll cope and pray and do my best. With each breath and step I take, be with me, Lord, for heaven's sake"...

....never let them get you down....sometimes bad relationships are like drug addictions...bad marriages...troubled friends....misery is like a sinking ship...and those on that ship are pulling others on board only to have them sink along with them....toxic friends are like heroin...Valium...or morphine...or whatever addictive drug you can compare it to...Adam's death saved others...it's become a sad tale we as his family must now live and breathe...especially to "have not known" and "have not possessed the mere chances" of hope to recognize and prevent...and through the past 13 months of ongoing pain and misery...our own personal loss...our deepest wishes now are that others will learn from this. I've never been an expert on anything, not at all...I pale in so many ways...but the one thing I think I always had was compassion...and through this journey...I hope to promote healing as I continue to heal...I hope others look at us...the most unsuspecting family and see that "this" truly can pick anyone if it chose us...there is a randomness of it all...drugs cross all genres...all walks of life and shows no discrimination...and it's family members like us...who are forever altered...but perhaps seeing us...and the sadness that follows...will show others that the worst case scenerio...can really happen to them...

"Peace is not the absence of trouble....but the presence of God".

Me....I grew in knowing in my heart that "belief" was to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so and through my beliefs...I grew love and trust...beliefs...without them, we are like fragile shells...beliefs allow us to become the people we strive to become...beliefs allow us to experience greater things...to believe in rainbows in the horizon and Hope that tomorrow will bring better days...part of a belief is taking comfort in knowing others believe in us...for without that...we would fall apart...many people ask me from where I get my strength? And it's sometimes hard to figure out myself...because so many sad things followed me over this past year...losing my son...and all the uncomfortable moments a mom should have never been face to bear...and through all my tears and questioning to God...I never got an answer...at least not in words...but through the actions of others...my beliefs got stronger that perhaps the fog would lift...and it has...tonight was a special night for us...hundreds of people filled the rooms of Eggfest...tales of Adam mixed with toasts of glasses raised high to celebrate the life lived my a young man who seemed to touch the hearts and souls of all he met...and I, as Adam's mom was encircled in embraces a whole evening long...I knew how special our family had been...and my beliefs continue to give me strength where many would have given in...whispered words in my ears...of how much he is missed...and all the little things he said or did that made them want to remember him...had I raised him well? I look at Jordan and see his smile...as he raised his glass to the brother he lost...two amazing sons...I believe I did the best I could...I believe...in me...in us...Facebook

"Something awesome happens when you do things out of love, especially toward those who have wronged or upset you"...as much as my life as I once knew it...has been altered...I still want to be the person I once was...or at least as close as I can be...although through something as tragic as this past year has been....there are some things that pain me so much...it's hard to recollect those same feelings of love for certain people and relationships...and as usual, I look to Ted for inspiration....
I always wanted to be a special mother...my growing up years were different...by the time I was born, my folks didn't bother too much with the relatives, so many of them didn't even get to know me...and I think often times, as I grew up, they, the relatives just presumed I was like the rest of my family....withdrawn...maybe unusual?.... although in actuality, I was quite different...Always deep and soulful...I yearned to take care of others and nurture a family...I always wished for a closer family base with my cousins/aunts/uncles...and it was actually quite interesting reconnecting with some...in the nicest ways. My one cousin was astounded to see and learn about ME....and what made me tick...and what I was made up of...she LOVED how I adored my family...how I treated my patients....cared for my parents...and attended to my friendships...nothing would ever be too much...if it was done for love, then it was a necessary thing to do...simple as that...and THAT effort was most exerted towards my kids and their friends...I wanted to make their growing up years the BEST that they could be...I was the band girl whose parents didn't attend her games...my Mom would always say "you understand, we don't like football"...and I'd accept that...and when I was in Pom Pom squad I was the only girl whose parents wouldn't be there... again I'd hear "you understand, we don't like basketball"...and I'd nod and accept it...and that's how it always was....even when my boys were little, the T-ball games, the football games...no one ever knew who my parents were...I always felt alone...so Ted and me, we became the ultimate fans for our kids as they grew up...along with his mom and sister...the four of us wouldn't miss a beat...I worked yet still managed to make every practice, game, scrimmage...dance and prom...whatever it took, I'd be there, along with my Teddy...I have no regrets there...because I took lots of mental notes all through my lonely years of not having a parent in attendance...and now I yearn for more parental support through my LOSS...and I heard once again..."you understand....." and I did understand until recently, like a stinging slap across my face, a brutal dose of reality hit me...why did I allow my self to become absorbed into thinking that my life revolved around my ongoing wishfulness for something that never was...and probably could never be...I see now that all my "tries" in the world aren't enough if that other set of people aren't trying back...and for the times I'd wallow in self-pity (silently...), I lost concept that all along I had ample substitutes for those not here...Two weeks ago was another hard day...a day of remembering losing my son and marking one year passed...and as I sat crying all day into the night...and had people filtering through my home who cared...my self-pity mode kicked in as I suffered with the thoughts and reality that not one biological person even bothered to check in on me...again...well...God Graced me with wisdom and I realized he surrounded me with others who are angels here on earth...and that I am not a victim...I don't want pity...I strive for strength...victims make excuses...wallow in pity and accept failures...me? I'm a survivor. Yes, I see now that there is something more ahead...I'm still not sure what my new life entails, but I am different...

..I took a ball to the face tonight...actually trying to break away from my "norm" by playing volleyball with people much better than me...what was I thinking anyway? Me...for the past year...feeling like such a failure...and the constant reminders that reinforce this feeling...again, tonight, approached by someone who hasn't seen me in over a year...is now witnessing me...my altered self. He bear hugged me...and it reminded me of Adam...he remembered me telling him of my sons...and he remembered hearing my sad...torturous story...and he went onto to try and comfort me...telling me he had an addicted brother. And there it was...the reminder...actually that uncomfortable thing I have to talk about and explain...that Adam wasn't an addict...at least not as we...society tend to depict in our minds...Adam was bright and loving...possessing rare innocence and a need for peace...he lived each day trying to calm the uneasy minds of those around him...and as Ted can explain so readily...that even someone who uses drugs once....can succumb to it's horrible affects. Adam wasn't any of that...and I now face a lifetime of correcting other's thoughts...and preserving Adam's memory...and while I was a failure at the sport of volleyball this evening...it just made me realize I'm not good at lots of things...but I still try...

"When there is nothing left but God, that is when you see that God is all you need..."

just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to....doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have...

it's not having everything go right...it's facing whatever goes wrong...
it's not being without fear, it's having the determination to go on in spite of it...
what is most important is not where you stand...
but the direction you're going in....
it's more than never having bad moments, it is knowing you are always bigger than the moment...
it's believing you have aready been given everything you need to handle life...
it's not being able to rid the world of all it's injustices...
it's being able to rise above them...
it's the belief in your heart...
that there will always be more good than bad in the world...
remember to live just this one day...
and not add tomorrow's troubles to today's load...
remember that every day ends...and brings a new tomorrow...
and me...I go to sleep each night...with hopes of seeing Adam in my dreams...and that's what keeps me going...until we meet again someday...

"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on"...

"People with humility don’t think less of themselves. They just think about themselves less"............

Don't think of him as gone away

His journey's just begun

He holds so many faces

This earth is only one

just think of him as resting

From the sorrows and the tears

In a place of warmth and comfort

Where there are no days and years

Think of how he must be wishing

That we could know today

How nothing but our sadness

Can really pass away

And think of him as living

In the hearts of those he touched

For nothing loved is ever lost

And he was loved soooo much

...RIP Adam...

Life is a test, Life is a trust, Life is a temporary assignment....rest in Peace my beautiful son...the memories we shared are forever in my mind...and always in my heart...

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose;
All that we love deeply, becomes a part of us.

a gift...it's something I can't physically give my son Adam anymore...and it breaks my heart...and I thought long and deeply as I walked tonight and gazed into the blackened sky...the full moon a vibrant contrast against the blanket of black...intermingled with stars...and it struck me...my gift to him has been there all along...my gift to Adam are the memories I keep flowing...the blog I keep writing...preserving his life's story and sharing the tales of lives he had touched...my gift was keeping my home open to allow others who grieved to cling to us here and share sorrow and tears...my present to him was an open heart...a willingness to live in his spirit...to let others know how he lived...and not dwell on how he passed...and I plan my lifetime...no matter how long it may be...to honor is beautiful spirit...always

a friend is someone who reaches for your hand...but touches your heart....a friend is...as if she were a second self...and great friends can speak without words...this past year...had it not been for the support of friends...I wouldn't be standing...for they held me up when the world started to fall down upon me....life came crashing down and obstacles that seemed insurmountable blocked my way...I am grateful for others...is there anything better than the love of others? I doubt that...and feel sorrow for those who haven't experienced love from someone great...
this past year...I've embraced more people in 363 days than most people hold in a lifetime...and in my head and my heart are held thankful memories of each and every moment that love passed through my home....God Bless you all...who thought of me...I am a stronger person because of you....

"What God leads me to, God leads me through"....

...last night was moving...in many ways...moving in the fact that Adam had so many friends who showed up and cared...and proved their support....or perhaps to convey their unwavering love and spirit...one by one, I received embraces throughout the night and heard whispered words again of how much they loved my son...one young man told me how each time he and others get together, they all lift their drinks and say cheers to Adam...and as he told this, I pondered on, silently...and he continued with the reasoning...and it all made so much sense...
he told me he had such difficulty coping when his grandpa passed...his dad and brother....well they were utterly saddened...apparently, grandpa was like no other...and he shared a fondness for beer...to "cheer" themselves and feel better about their situation...they put cans of beer in grandpa's casket...and during the Mass...which was a profound and moving ceremony...the three of them stood there in church and heard what sounded like a beer tab opening...and the moral of his story? Cheer...or shall I say cheers...they think it was grandpa's wonderful sense of humor coming though to let them know to cheer him now...and that things are okay...and as this young person and others lift their glasses...each time done...it's a reminder of a friend they loved. I found his strange encounter story quite moving...and with me...little pieces of peace are a well-needed thing. I was walking with Ted by the lake today...the weather was more fair...our walk was extended...a text message rang and it was Erica telling me she dreamt of Adam last night...and he gave her a message telling her to tell us he's okay...thing was in her dream...they were at the lake...by the boat launch...right where I was when she decided to text me...signs...Jordan tells me not to look for them...because God wants us to hold firm to faith...not look into everything for answers, but show trust and hold secure to an ever present Faithfulness...and I do...but I still believe in strange encounters....

....it's been a rough year...a horrible year...the kind of year that tests each bit and piece of oneself...and I realize something new each day...and in the past 353 days...that never, ever have I ever suspected that I possessed so much inside myself...this year pushed me beyond any physical, emotional or spiritual limits...punched me...knocked me down...placed me in terrible positions...put me in center spotlights...scrutinized by others...discovering at times, with shock that some people wanted to see me down...some people wanted to take away my pain...while others allowed me to swim in it...but I did learn to swim...the worst things said started with "you'll never be the same"...and this was mostly uttered by "really smart people"...go figure...but those who loved me...truly loved me stayed true...and those kids who loved Adam continue to love me too...I felt the hand on my back tonight...while drying the last dish and gazing out into the darkness of the night. Why tonight? Maybe it's because I prayed extra hard for a new beginning...not to forget...because there will never be a moment that I would ever be able to...nor willing to wish to have him forgotten....just a wish to be able to get through a day...and make it a good one...
someone told Teddy recently that we deserve to feel happy again...and I know that he was right...we do deserve that...and Adam of all people would want that for us...he was so wishful for everyone to feel happy...and the warmth and pressure on my back was him telling me it's going to be okay...I miss him so much...my heart hurts...it aches for him...but I'm going to prove the doubters wrong and emerge a stronger person...and hopefully find laughter somewhere in the distance....

Hope is much more than a mood. It involves a commitment to action.... What we hope for should be what we are prepared to work for...as far as that power lies in us.

Life Is a
Gift

Today
before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't
speak.


Before
you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone
who has nothing to eat.


Before
you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone
who's crying out to GOD for a companion.


Today
before you complain about life - Think of someone who went
too early to heaven.


Before
whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who
walks the same distance with their feet.


And when
you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the
unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your
job.


And when
depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on
your face and think: you're alive and still
around.

...May the winds of love blow softly and whisper for you to hear that I
still love you and miss you and wish that you were here. We'll meet
again. Someday. Somewhere....

Charlie....

....I remember writing months ago, back in late June, that I began corresponding with an author...someone who wrote a book that gave me comfort. His writing made me feel Hopeful that we could continue to live on...even though our son couldn't...today, I opened up my Face book and saw that there was a message from Charlie...and my heart smiled...for a bit...He and his wife would send me a note here and there...and I sent the last one...and never heard back...he's probably bombarded with messages (I told myself when he didn't automatically reply)...he plays a big part in his involvement with the Compassionate Friends...he probably just got time to respond back now I told myself...although those smiles in my heart turned into tears down my cheeks...he didn't respond...because you see...he passed away...this message was from his only son...letting his Face book friends know he was closing down his dad's page...I swallowed hard and had a mixture of emotions...first...feeling really sad for him...that his lovely wife wouldn't have him here...and that his only son is now without his father...unending grief...but then my heart filled as I envisioned him greeting the two boys he lost almost twenty years ago...and in my mind I saw a picture of two handsome teen-age boys greeting him in arms wide open as he made his entrance into Heaven...it was their turn now...to have him back...how torn are we, the bereaved...we either chose to live or allow ourselves to die slowly before it's our time. Shoulders straight...head up...focused on tomorrow...we...those who possess strength...hold onto courage we never even knew we possessed and face the day...his stories made me stronger...and last night I slept soundly and upon awakening this morning...a chill passed over me...a thought that Charlie was still helping me...I don't know why I felt this feeling, an indescribable feeling....but for the past week or two, I felt more strength...and direction...could it be him pulling me into the right direction? If he could...I believe he would...God Bless you Charlie...thank you for sharing direction with me...for showing me that all I felt these months has been normal...and allowing me to feel Hope once again...

"Faith isn't the ability to believe what you see. It's the ability to see what you believe"...that's why children are so joyous and happy...their imaginations allow them to see things in a different light...perhaps that's why so many of Adam's friends have been so amazing through all of this...maybe as we grow, we change...our Faith might alter with aging and our imaginations dim...Adam had this joyous, almost childlike quality...he possessed a rare innocence at times...those who knew him gravitated toward him...being around Adam...people felt safe...comfortable...loved and secure...I hold Faith that he watches over me...and his friends each day...I believe in angels and I hold Faith my son is one of them...

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"...I'm not waiting for anything...I'm just hopeful that each day gets easier...and I've been finding ways to gain momentum...I want people to look at me and see strength...I want others to come to me for support...it's funny how people look...and try and analyze where I am...AND ALL along....I've been here...altered for a bit...weathered by a storm...but I was the leaf that clung upon the tree limb during that storm...while I was almost whisked off that branch (several times)...I somehow held on with mammoth strength that allowed me to endure the beast that had blown about...and the roots of the tree that held me tight...hold me still...nourishing me to stay holding on...no poison here...no hate...nor resentment...no bitterness...being hateful takes up too much space in a heart that could occupy so much more...my son loved my heart the best...and it's my heart I want to share...forever to those who need me...

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've... would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f#ck on...Tupac

and I wanted to know if it was normal...to cry all of these tears...and she smiled at me and said...of course it is, you're his mom, you loved him...the tears will flow a long, long time...an endless stream...memories ripple along as I cry...