Each of us are dealing with Adam's loss in a different way...I am reaching out, blogging, talking with the experts...Ted is back at work but feels "empty"...he says "nothing means anything these days" and we understand how he feels...Jordan pretends he's just fine...and silently struggles with his own loss...can he be Jordan without Adam? Where one began the other ended...throughout life, they had been inseparable...Adam followed Jordan everywhere...he copied Jordan's every action and wanted to befriend each of Jordan's friends...and as he grew and came into his own, their worlds merged...effortlessly and wonderfully...as difficult as raising two toddlers had been, when when hit 12 and up... life became a whole lot easier with the peacefulness they attained...they enjoyed sports, poker...gangs of kids would fill my home...they raved over the food we cooked...they enjoyed themselves...and felt "life was good" all throughout high school...and Adam looked up to Jordan still...and Jordan held his own admiration to Adam...and Adam followed Jordan to KU and then he followed Jordan back home from KU...and now he's in Heaven...identity changes for us all...so much to adjust to...but we have to...what choice do we have...

Please be Gentle....

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving...the sea I swim in is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle thorough each day...My heart is heavy with sorrow, I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask "why?"....at times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss...please don't turn away or tell me to move on with my life....I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through my tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey and not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story, I may need to tell it over and over again. It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss...nurture me through the weeks and months ahead, Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart, and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears, I need your support and understanding. There is no right or wrong way to grieve...I must find my own path....Please, will you walk beside me????

This is an After loss Creed...a fellow Hospice nurse shared this with me and it most closely reflects what someone like me feels right now...

Jordan's pain....

Pain...we all have it...we all feel it...so many different types of pain...we rate it...we treat it...and it does lessen...as I see from my own perspective, although the pain I feel is like no other. The initial pain I felt was utterly heartwrenching, crushing, almost sufficating pain...coupled with fear...anxiety and woe...covered in a web of numbness that prevents you from absorbing all of it at once...and as time passes...the pain changes...the breaths are easier taken...the tears somehow lessen and although my heart is so very sore, that stabbing that was once there has been lightened...and sadness...I have never been sad before this, and now I am utterly saddened...I reflect on my life, I was always a happy person, sometimes I think back that my "happy" nature may have even annoyed some people...I never remember being sad...not that Ted and I didn't have our times of difficulty, but all in all...I was always happy. My happiness revolved around motherhood and being a wife...I afterall was lucky, I was Blessed to be Teddy's wife and Jordan and Adam's mom...that was a delight. I was always satisfied, too. It never mattered that my house was sort of cluttered...or that all the kids that hung there made messes...or that we didn't have the finest things...our needs were simple. Ted and I would often laugh while we fed gangs of kids...that one day we'd get all new furniture! And who cared about the disarray...afterall...our kids were here, they loved us...they wanted to be here with us...and we had a good family. Pain...I still feel Adam's pain...when I close my eyes at night, I feel his concern...I know how he cared, he loved us...he loved being a LARIZZIO...he wouldn't want us to feel this pain. Thankfully God is lessening the heartache with time...and my prayers are said everyday to stay strong...and to hold onto what I had and to cling to what I still have. My hopes are that Jordan stays strong through this also. I pray his friends continue to encircle him and support him...and that Adam's friends stay by Jordan also...because as Jordan said...pieces of Adam are in him also. I miss the two sons I would see daily...the beautiful sons I was so proud of...to see them together daily...the friendship and love they shared. Jordan was sad yesterday...he tries to keep things together...as all guys do, but as I cried "I miss my son"...he calmly reminded me I still have a son here...and that he doesn't have a brother..God Bless Jordan...
p.s. the pic I posted today was from Christmas night at the Blue Nana's...there is no sign on his handsome face that would have alarmed me of anything wrong...

Blessings from the priest...and prayers...and his Faith that my son is in Heaven...and that I need to stay close to my religion...my husband and my Jordan...and friends...which I am doing...Father made me see that it was a mistake that Adam made...and that God rescued him after the fatal thing he did...I had so many questions...and he had so many answers...he kept reassuring me...that Ted and I were good parents...that this thing we didn't know about was not our fault...that we had two adult children living here and they were responsible for themselves.....................He believes the signs I saw were true...and that Adam was trying to comfort me...in Ted's dream...in my thoughts...so I continue to pray to the Blessed Mother for Faith and strength...

I finally slept well last night...hopefully more restlful nights will follow...I am going to try to get into a routine again...because that's a good thing...me constantly looking at photos or reading your Facebook isn't helping...and I see that...thankfully I know what is helpful vs. hurtful...it's really strange being on the other end...SO many times I was the comforting soul...being a Hospice nurse...or even a nurse in general, you learn these things...and processes...but when it affects you in the way it affected me and my family, all the knowledge you have isn't the same as the personal way you are now forced to adapt to. And, I see there is no fault in looking for support...I enjoy talking with the grief therapist...it validates what I feel is okay...I am meeting with my priest later today, I just need more Spiritual support...I think (sadly) on those who are afraid to seek this aide...I hope through my blog that people see that there are resources out there...with good and kind and caring people who really want to help. And I am learning that sometimes...there are no real answers...perhaps never...and that although the first part of my life, the life with Adam in it is completed, there is another life I must learn to adapt into...the life without him...as sad as it sounds, I read that in one of the grief booklets, and it made some sense...

Yesterday was better...today was bad...it's Palm Sunday...like everyday, we went to visit you in the cemetary and we left palms on your grave......I know YOU wouldn't ever want me to feel this sad...but I can't help it...I do, afterall, I loved you...Dad told me today he thought I was an amazing mother to you and your brother...we went grocery shopping and all I could think of was what I would normally be buying for you...I knew you inside out, upside down...and you lived with us...so it's harder than some situations...I still have to walk by your bedroom...and I close the door because I cannot face seeing your things...the little notes...the CD's...your bed...without you in it...it's difficult...and I can't spend time downstairs much...because I think of you being down there...doing your things...recording music...strumming on the guitar...but then I read the grieving booklets that friends gave me...and realize these feelings are normal....these varying feelings are normal...for people who never had to face something like this...well, they cannot truly even imagine...loss...

I love this picture of you...I remember how Dad disliked your long hair...he was old fashioned like that. But this was during your rock star phase...I remember you rocking the pink pants and the skull shoes...only you, Adam, only you...and the blazers and jeans...you had a style of your own and you kept reinventing it...and you'd say Dunbar was the "King" and he had the sweetest facial hair ever...

All of us miss that about you....those stories...so many....and I miss listening to you play the guitar...and how sweet your voice sounded...and how Dad and I would follow your band...we were the "old heads" there....you'd laugh...but I LOVED to see you...and hear you...the spirit you held...

....And when the path I have made...from the grass to the grave, I will love you still....and when the sand turns to glass and all that's left is the past...and I will love you still....such powerful lyrics...I remember how you'd download songs like that on my Ipod...you seemed to always "know" the songs that would touch me...I think of you whenever I hear Dashboard Confessional....not even sure if you truly liked them...but you knew I would...we're making more plans on the Adam LaRizzio Memorial Scholarship fund...contributions are good...we will be able to give some graduating student (hopefully) $1,000.00 annually...and we created a panel to choose the recipient...me, Dad, Jordan, Earl, Dunbar and Hontz...oh how we all miss you honey...

p.s. Hazel misses you, too....xoxoxo

Your friends came by again last night...we sat around telling the "Adam stories" and it sort of made me smile...a rarity...but it felt good to smile...and your tales were so humerous...somehow...in someway...you'd always be involved in ANY antic that occurred...and the the way Dunbar and Hontz narrate each tale just adds to the epic they've made it into...someone told us recently that many people will stop talking about their loved one who passed...I cannot even imagine that...I want to hear your name...the stories...I want to bump into people who tell me something special...perhaps a silly moment that they shared with you...I don't want people to avoid me...I want to smile again...and those things make me smile...I wish I could line up all the people who haven't seen us since your passing...so we could all get over the ackwardness...the sorrow will always be there...and if one more person tells me I will never forget this...then that will make the total of 1,000...I know I won't forget this...I know this is the worst thing ever...I know I experienced a mom's worst nightmare...I know "this will change my life forever" and that things will never be the same...my wish is that people will stop telling me those things....I know they don't mean it...and that there really isn't any words of reason...or true comfort....but you're not in a better place (at least to me)...although I know you're in Heaven...what mom would want her young son there already...the place you belong is here, with us...but that's not possible so I'll accept my fate...and try and be as close to the person that I was...the mom that you loved...
p.s. somtimes when there are no words...hugs are the BEST thing....

his life...my hurt....

I realized there are some people who read this blog and really didn't know Adam...perhaps they're reading because they knew me...or Ted...or had been Jordan's friend...but for those who didn't get that Blessing of knowing Adam....where do I start?.....He was a smart boy...full of life intermingled with a touch of "Dennis the Menus"....all in a good way...he did well in school...could have been anything he'd wanted if he applied himself...he made honors in high school...and played football through his junior yr., he did well in power lifting and was president of the student council...he had a VOICE...not only with his singing but a VOICE in his beliefs....he was strong willed and his opinion was the one that mattered most...but gradually...he might agree with yours...he was extremely affectionate...more so than any guy I'd ever met...his greeting, even to a stranger was open arms...he had a great LOVE for people...he would choose uniqueness any day over monotony....he went off to college...was at KU a short time...missed us....missed his brother....came back home and went to LCCC...made the Dean's list....enjoyed his jobs....had this thing for working at ski lodges and recreational spots....he was always happy...he was always smiling...he could fight with you one minute and forgive you in five minutes time...he never held grudges and had more friends than most people have hairs on their heads...and he was fearless...and perhaps that...coupled with never thinking fully before doing....led to his demise...and I think of him constantly....and miss him....and wonder....and HOPE for a better tomorrow...although life is pretty grim...without him....but I feel him....around me, encompassing me.....that he hurt us...that his split second choice led to this...and all the hearts that are broken...

Charms....

........your family reminds me of a charm bracelet...all the charms are there...but one was gently placed back in your jewelry box....yes..how true....I received a message from an old co-worker who described us at that...and that one pulled at my heartstrings...for anyone who knew me, even a little bit...knew I saw my family as my "charms"....my sons were my life...up until Feb. 19th....Ted and I, we made meals every night....our belief has always been FAMILY....our charms....Adam's charm would have been the most unique of all...Teddy and I and Jordan...we all realized that Adam had some star quality that we couldn't replicate...and he loved that spotlight...he dazzled in life...his charm would have been the sparkling one...big, bold and outrageous...and he'd have loved it that way...but it only took a mere moment to lose that charm...as it ripped off the bracelet in the wee hours of Feb. 20th...no chance to repair it...I, the mom didn't even know there was anything wrong with my charm...or I'd have tried to fix it...I fixed everything...I was good at that...but I couldn't fix this one...

living life...

Today's blog is short and simple....I am not going to (or at least not try to) focus on how Adam passed...my focus will be aimed at remembering how Adam lived...and he certainly lived every day like he loved it...loved his friends...loved us...loved so much....

The Blue Nana

Starting my blog late today...Ted went back to work, he only does half days the rest of this week...and his mom was with me this a.m., it's so hard for us both...but we managed...crying over coffee....and then trying to be strong...loss....it is tremendous...and I look at her and see the pain she, too has endured....losing her husband shortly after he turned 60....and now her grandson...who she loved so dearly...if there ever was a nana who could love her grandkids as much as her own children...it would have to be Ann...and I love her, too....she thanked me today for being a good daughter-in-law....for always sharing my children with her...we never had words...she or I....I valued her...and she valued me...and she mothered us all...and set nice examples and was a vital part of "me"....and her love radiated through my boys....Adam used to call her the "Blue Nana"....because she lived in a blue house...he called her that for years...and it was the sweetest memory....and now the "Blue Nana" and I are trying to figure out how we can continue to support each other in this saddening time...but with Blessings, I value her...the wondrous Blue Nana....

Ted's Angel....

I woke Jordan up this morning and got him off to work...Ted came down a to say good-bye, too...and he fell back asleep on the couch...I went back to bed just for a bit and got a little extra rest...he told me that during that little cat nap on the sofa...he drifted into a deep and peaceful sleep...and in the dream he was standing in our living room facing the computer...in thought...he heard someone come up behind him...not even turning around fully, thinking it was Jordan...he heard Adam's joyous voice say "I'll see ya Dad"....and a great big hug encircled Ted, and Ted saw him clearly, denim jacket and jeans with a duffle bag over his shoulder...the good bye he said many times in the past when he was getting ready to head off to an overnight concert with friends....Ted was moved beyond words....Adam...the angelic vision....the embrace...the Peacefulness that filled Ted's heart....at least today....this comfort was a Godsend.....this vision holds so many different views...but the one we see is that this was Adam's way of saying he's okay...and he'll see us...and the smile was amazing....as all his smiles had been...and my son...in one word defined would have had to be JOYOUS....

best friends...

Reflections...... I've been having.....have been on friendships....is there anything better? From the time we're little children we form these beautiful bonds with people...and this precious ability aides us in growing, learning, dealing...the ongoing support...the growing up together...somehow our minds intertwine...not that we are the same person...that would be boring....but somehow we "understand" the other one completely...and it is such a source of healing...in times of hurt, anger...frustration...that a friend is there to lean upon...to vent to....to agree with you...even though he or she is sometimes doing that...just agreeing....because after all...he is your friend and that's what friends do....right?......and if you're really lucky...you get a BEST FRIEND....we'd often joke in our home about BFF's. Mine was easy...no astonishment to anyone who knows me....as I am an easy read...it would be "my Lisa"....everyone even knows her as that....Lori's Lisa....I love her beyond words....life did not exist...or at least I cannot even remember it before she came into it...we met on the playground in Kindergarten...the bond was instantaneous....I was eating raisins...well actually throwing them on the pavement....it attracted a little boy named Ronny to pick them up and eat them...and I giggled as she did...pretty soon her little hands were in the raisin box, too...and possibly that was the first attempt at being silly and flirting with a 5 yr. old boy....aaahhhh....and from that point on...it was us...through elementary to jr. high to high school and through marriages and babies...and nursing school and now...through my loss....I love her beyond belief...and it was her who stood by me as I had to stand and accept condolenses at the funeral parlor...she's wipe tears in a timed manner, make me take sips of water and hold me up....my sadness today revolves around Adam's friends...and the sadness they feel....at his wake....1,ooo people came to view him, Bless him and say good-bye...and so many people saw him as being their best friend...and if anybody was able to have soooo many BFF's, it would have been Adam, somehow he could have done it....but in my heart...I know who his best friend was...it was the boy who spent every day with him...the one who slept across from him, the guy who shared every boyhood dream and vacation....his brother was his best friend...he'd often tell me...he'd say how he knew Jordan was really a good brother....always had his back...always looked out for him....I see the vacancy that Adam's passing has left with Jordan...I know he tries to stay strong...and sadly, this old thing with being a man and not expressing inner feelings...that's simply bullshit....we all hurt...and although WE are making progress...we all MISS him....and all the "it's not fairs", the "why....why...whys" don't mean a thing....so we've stop saying them....hard truth is our buddy is gone...

The house is quiet anymore...the laughter you bestoyed is gone....you...being gone left a hollowness within...I'm missing the chaos...but feel comfort in those who you loved still dropping in...it feels like "you" when they do...and I do see your face sometimes...like Saturday night in church...just little flashes of remembrances....and always with a smile...perhaps it's God's way of showing me you're happy again...and waiting patiently for me....when I am needed there...but those happy expressions I see daily....give me comfort...and my dreams are still jumbles yet...no visits like I would have expected...or come to expect like the things you see in movies...maybe it doesn't work that way...maybe you speak to me in the daily things I do...or the changes I feel...like being pulled out of that fog...the clarity of things...the realization that this nightmare must begin to end...and that I cannot continue reeling this way...I do feel you pulling me through...and even though I still have terrible dreams....pleasant ones await me...I will someday sleep with dreams of us...and the wonderful times we shared...and maybe then you'll come to me with more...and maybe then some questions will be answered...or maybe not....but Dad and I know we may never know....and this isn't CSI....and we've received hundreds of different viewpoints from so many people....and we both agreed last night...that the not fully knowing is enough...at least for now....and my dream last night...maybe I dreamt it because Julie said some things...like never wanting people involved in drugs EVER in her home again....me, too....or how your Dad said he heard heavy footsteps on the stairs the night you died...he woke up and said "Adam! Not so loud, you woke us up", but it wasn't Adam, it was Jordan and his steps had been loud and urgent...for our help...but this dream held loud footsteps again...and Jordan's voice...and more loud footsteps down into our reckroom where Jordan had a random-faced drug dealer pinned against the paneled wall...and Ted drew his strong arm back to swing...and I woke up with fright....but I pulled it together...it was....afterall....a dream....

on me....

this blog is about me...and how I feel differently the past few days...I am (believe it or not) feeling a bit normal again...and thankfully, people close to me have noticed that positive change, too...not that there is any special formula or timed parameters of when someone is supposed to return to what they were after an ordeal like this...and I see it'll never be what it was before...or what I was before...but tonight while talking closely to some very dear friends...things seemed clearer....I was never a mean or bitter person and they knew I couldn't turn ugly and angry...what happened is horrible...I could go on and on and let bitterness and resentment turn me into someone different...but again, Adam wouldn't want that...and neither would I....so I am aware that it's a long journey ahead...and that each day will bring new feelings and emotions....but the focus I have now is to continue living...and continue making sure Ted is okay and that Jordan knows how much he is loved and valued...and that losing Adam doesn't mean we will ever forget about him...we need to continue to talk about him...and keep his awesome memory going...and continue to support his cause....and our goal is to reunite someday....and be together again in eternity...

Heros....

with all the blogging I've been doing, I see I painted an almost "Saint-like" portrait of my son...and upon reflecting...I guess I need to let you know that he possessed all those little idiosyncrasies and annoyances as any other twenty-something guy....but looking back...the stuff that annoyed us wasn't all that bad....he was messy...his bedroom resembled that of Oscar Madison from the Odd Couple...chronically late...his organizational skills needed some true refining...and you couldn't tell him anything as he was always right....and he and I would often agree to disagree...and we'd meet in the middle....eventually....but that was it....he was a source of other people's comfort...he talked a close friend out of becoming a truck driver....his pal thought it would be manly and easy to transition into that....Adam knew better, he talked to this guy until he saw the light...as he had such an immense talent with schooling...and he will graduate with a business degree from a 4 yr. college....and he'll tell you it was because Adam believed in him...another fellow was feeling lost....not liking the college thing...no jobs here...talked for many sleepless nights with Adam....and he told me it was Adam's support and encouragement that encourage him to join the Air Force....and he came to Adam's services dressed in full military dress....with hopes that his best pal could see that the fruits of his efforts had not been in vain...Adam felt lost...many times....I would say it's so hard to focus on a lifetime ahead...I would have encouraged and supported any idea he had...with a dreamy vision he wanted to go somewhere warmer...somewhere south, perhaps Texas or Tenn. And write lyrics and sing songs....sounds Heavenly...but his dreams never came true...so you see...those little imperfections I noted earlier were just that....very little....very insignificant....because he was amazing in 99.9% of all the other areas and aspects in his life....and I do believe now, that he's an Angel....that his kind heart and gentle soul are guiding many of us through this tumultuous time.....................................and as far as heroes go.....your heroes? Had always been Batman and your Dad.....Mine? You, definitely....and if I could poll the town...you'd have been hero to many....

I tried to watch a documentary about heroin addiction....and I could watch only 1-2 minutes of it before becoming sick to my stomach and turning it off...with an inner violence, I just don't understand it....how can this be cheaper than a 6 pack of beer? And how is this entering our normal little homes...it's a month now....and some people are chatting...I guess more and more unassuming people are dabbling...it's quite scary....I want to be the voice...I want people to look at me and see that there is no discrimination with who this deadly drug chooses...unassuming us...Ted and I represent the very normal stereotype of middle class America...actually...we're in the rare end...the happy couple...you grow up middle class...you marry....make commitments...work hard....pay your dues in life and you're rewarded with long lives fulfilled with a happy retirement and grand kids who you can spoil then return....well, it's not that way....Ted and I hold hands as we walk through the cemetery each day to visit our kid...and we won't get the chance to hold Adam's kids....or hold him anymore....my heart aches still....sometimes more than ever when I think that I may forget his voice...or his hugs...or the softness of his skin....or his smile....or the sound of his laughter....and the pain of watching everyone else's kids grow and marry and become old....so many cards received....words of loss...words to hold onto the memories...you know the card that meant the most? One of Adam's teachers simply wrote....what can I SAY??????...this SUCKS....and he was right... there is not a truer meaning of what we are feeling...and although we set forth to go ahead versus fall behind....that is what we truly feel.....God help us...
......on a end note...watching those clips from You-tube, although extremely disturbing...made me see that Adam was not in that frame or mindset depicted on the video...he had none of those frightening looks...he functioned....no ill reports from his co-workers....no one in the neighborhood told us he looked or appeared odd...was it he was early stage? Don't watch that clip unless you plan on a sleepless night...

Live fast...die young....should I have thought quote should have meant anything?????...I think it was from a movie...not quite sure...you....from rap to glam punk to hard rock to country and blues...you sure knew how to love music.......it was such a lovely day today....one of those days I almost imagined you with boots up and head back strumming away on the guitar...sitting on the front porch...your beautiful smile lit up when you'd see us pull in...me and dad....back from one of our excursions...we always felt like it was time for us to explore....you loved it, too...how we'd hook up the bikes and ride off on the trail...never gone long...always back in time to cook up supper for four...or more....especially if you invited others....which was always encouraged...you'd always been an amazing son...an amazing host to your friends....you seemed to always put them first....you'd never lose eye contact...sometimes it would AMAZE me how tolerant you could be...not that many people annoy me...but NO ONE annoyed you....you had patience to make each and every person you encountered feel like they were your best friend...where did you get that? I hope it was from me...

It's been one month today since you left us, I awoke at 4:49 a.m. and the remembrance of it being around that time that we got home from the hospital...and people started to filter in our home with love and support...the cloudiness and haze since that time has slowly lifted off of us...and reality is here...and we are coping and dealing as best we can...the emotions are like wicked rides on roller coasters...up and down and sudden and turbulent....what we're learning how to roll with them versus against them...and with every saddening thought, I am trying to find a positive one....although it's extremely difficult...thinking of roller coasters....Adam LOVED them...so my happier thought of that is how he and his Dad loved to go to amusement parks to ride the best and most scariest of them all....both he and his Dad were fearless, at least Ted was in that area....and Adam, You simply lived, breathed and embraced fearlessness...looking back, even as a small child, nothing seemed to "scare" you....ever....a fan of horror...fending off bats with your 49er's helmet and a wiffle bat as I screamed....you'd pick up worms and snakes...we'd smile constantly at your true boyhood charms....or the times you carelessly roll down the river in a patched up tube....in storms mostly because you thought the sky looked inspiring...perhaps those inspirations added to your music...the artist you were....self taught guitarist....soft and gentle voice, again...that voice that was easy to listen to...we talked about your voice last night....more friends came to spend time with us...I know how this helps me...and I can see how it's helping them, too....because we are a part of you...and they are a part of you...and together....the mesh is all good....Hinkie said he was waiting for a dream about you....it came a few days ago he told me....he heard your voice in the dream, and it was the voice of calm and reason...he said it was so nice...and gave comfort...and he felt Peace upon waking...we still struggle daily in the why's but the sun is shining....the birds sing...my wonderful brain (I am thankful for an excellent memory) is full of thoughts of you...trying to find comfort in a situation that could the bleakest in life...but choosing to embrace you, your memory and continue to LOVE you 'til we meet again....

I am not a special person...I am not "strong". I have simply chosen to not die....I look for strength in others who went through what I did...not that there are many...but I do know some...and somehow they learned to live...breathe....go on....afterall....I have a son left here with me on earth and God would want me to stay strong for him....he still deserves a mom, too...and I have Teddy...he, too deserves love...and Adam would want me to stay strong....he's mourning everyday, I know it...I know he misses us...that he feels my pain and sadness....I am simply the saddest mother at this point....but my thoughts are thankfully clear...and my thought processes are good....and I still am able to feel HOPE....in a situation where there is little....thankfully my FAITH is strong and my FRIENDS are the best and the LOVE I have is endless....and for those who read my blog...I hope it helps others find strength where there is little...if my words help just one person in a similar spot, then my work was effective....my Grammy lost a son when she was in her thirties....his name was Charles and he was 15...he died of a disease named "Bright's Disease", comparable today to Pneumonia...my Dad told me she threw herself on the railroad tracks back then...she had 8 other kids to look after...I guess she somehow found strength to peel herself off and go back home...and rebuild what she could...and she did...and God Bless You Sadie...for your intervention with me, your grand-daughter...Sadie lived to be an old lady in her nineties and she saw some of her other kids pass before her...but I do believe her FAITH in God led her to understand that those children were in Heaven now...

The Magical Pebble story.....

Friday....the hard day....restless night, odd dreams....but this blogging, although very difficult and saddening is helping, it helps me focus on remembering many things and putting my feelings into words so that I can read again as I need to...and in case from your lofty view...you might....perhaps be able to see the words I write...and feel my thoughts...I dreamt about our favorite tale...you, as a little boy, along with Jordan, liked to be read to before bedtime...your favorite story was called "Sylvester and the Magic Pebble"....I had to read that one almost every night....I remember getting the other books out with hopes of a new tale...not with you...you'd insist "Sylvester!", and of course I'd give in....Sylvester was a donkey, a young male donkey who lived a happy life with his mom and dad, and his hobby was collecting beautiful and unique pebbles...one day, after school, Sylvester asked permission to walk in the woods nearby to look for pretty pebbles and stones and his parents said yes....as he walked into the wood, he found the most BEAUTIFUL pebble ever...so rare, so unique....so fascinating....he picked it up and trotted off heading back home when all of a sudden a ferocious mountain lion came in front of him....he was frightened and panicked, while clutching that pebble...he began to wish and repeat "I wish I was a rock....I wish I was a rock" out of fear and confusion....with that, the magical pebble turned the once young and spry donkey into a large flat rock...the lion walked away in confusion....Sylvester's parents waited for his return....they set out to look for him...no Sylvester....the cops and search teams canvassed the area for days...no signs...what had happened to their boy....all the while Sylvester was there...and aware...but couldn't do a thing...his wish to become a rock had sealed his fate....days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months....seasons came, first Fall with the dropping of leaves that lay upon that rock, Winter followed with icy snow and then the thaw of Spring with beautiful leaves and flowers blooming around that rock...he cried silently and missed his parents...his parents grieved for a LONG time...they lost their little son....his mother was withdrawn...his father was saddened...then one summer day....his father packed a picnic basket and told his wife they needed to go out and walk....to clear their heads...Sylvester was gone...and they needed to live on....so they walked hand in hand into the wood and on that same path where Sylvester met his fate...and they talked about how much they loved him...and all that he meant to them...and as they grew weary, they looked for a rock or stump to sit upon...and there they saw it...the large flat rock....as the parents sat on it, Sylvester felt their presence....he wanted to shout.....It's me, I am the rock...but he couldn't...he was after all, a lifeless thing now....the parents started to eat their picnic lunch and actually smiled a little for the first time in a year...and it was then when the mom noticed that precious pebble...picked it up and with a tear in her eye said....Look Dad, a pretty stone....one like our son would have loved....as she held it with her motherly hands she almost whispered "I wish Sylvester was here, I wish Sylvester was here"...and the rock turned into her son once again, and the three united and the ending was spectacular.....drawing initially on utter sadness and turning into a completely happy ending....full of hope....wish came true...that story is for you Adam....may you remember that story as I do....God Bless you....(I don't know where that book is anymore or if I even kept it, but I did the best of my recall to retell you that tale from my words and remembrances) xo

Thursday morning....almost 4 weeks now....tomorrow night is always the most difficult night of the week for me, I think about Fridays...end of the week, in the past, always thought "TGIF" as it signaled an end to a usually busy week with hopes of a relaxing week-end ahead...but Friday, Feb. 19th...I went to bed as I normally would and even thought of calling you earlier that evening...but I didn't because I normally didn't get services while you're at Split Rock...but I thought about you....I called the dentist that morning as you needed that tooth looked at...as you asked me to...nothing was different...seemed like a regular day and night....dad told me he made you pancakes that morning and that you had been talkative and in a good mood....sadly, I didn't get to see you that day...my schedule was busy...I got home late (6 p.m.)...worked on my computer putting in my days work from my Hospice visits...made some ravioli, set some aside for you and Jordan and went off to bed around ten thirty....heard your car pull in after midnight...heard the gravel as you parked....heard your car door...those were the last sounds I heard of you....no good-bye....no call for help....just the call of desperation from your brother who found you in that state that no one ever would wish to see or hear about...I pray everyday that PEACE is with you...and that you will allow me some PEACE ahead....I wish that God's holding your hand right now....and that you're surrounded by the most spectacular audience ever...that you can sing and play guitar up there...that your smile is a major part of why the sun shines and why the stars sparkle at night...I see you in my everyday....a beautiful bird...a babbling brook.....the sweet sounds of spring appearing...a ladybug landing on my arm...my parents went with me today to visit you....could you feel our presense? Pop Helmer really cried...he wished that he could take your place....and we know it doesn't work that way....he's 83 now...and knowing you're up there....he's no longer afraid of death....he welcomes it now so he can join you in eternity...promising me that's the first thing he'll do when he enters those Pearly Gates...run to you for me...God Bless him....it's exactly was I would want....

a mother's grief....

no one else knows it....it's a mother's worst nightmare....even my son cannot fully fathom the way I am feeling...

the thing I haven't blogged much about is that you died from drugs...there...I said it....I didn't have a clue...yeah, I knew all young people drink....or perhaps smoke pot...but I know wholeheartedly that you knew dad and I didn't know...we didn't know....how could we? Why? Dad and you talked in the summer....he was telling you about the things he heard in town...and you satisfied him with your responses then....what made you opt for that? Naive me...I've never done anything, I know....how hard it must be for me to fully comprehend...my addictions...well, I guess would be desserts and coffee....I felt at a loss....the not knowing...the wishfulness of hoping to save you as you lay upon the floor...and then the aftermath of those who knew....yet I didn't...and my breath and touch could not save you because an ugly drug took that last beat from your precious heart...and that precious heart so filled with love...stopped beating....and when your heart stopped beating....I stopped smiling....I stopped feeling...and you affected a whole small town with the sadness of your loss....................................and when I was able to think somewhat clearly, I had to Google heroin....because I didn't know anything about it...you see, we don't give that in hospitals....and I am not a rehab nurse....and I am naive I see....and no signs presented to me by you....what a horrible thing....heroin...

......being me...being a nurse again....being a Hospice nurse again...these are questions I am now facing. Can I be "me" again....am I truly "me" without you? Or do I need to rebuild "me"...???
The "me" I was, was a happy person, a lady filled with contentedness...you loved me...you loved that I loved dad so much...you'd be in awe that Dad and I still were in love...and that we had good moral values...and that we did the stuff we did...like picking apples...walking in the woods...going to music festivals and holding hands...you said no one else does that....me, without you equals sadness and tears...me....I was supposed to be a grammy one day....to the little Adams you'd tell me...and that they'd surely be a handful...but I welcomed it! Me...I loved you and everything about you, every hair on your head...every piece of your being....I think back on each night as I'd be winding down to sleep and you'd be the opposite...in the shower...listening to the Grateful dead or old Country....and we'd chat over the water....something always told me inside that you loved me...100 percent...do other moms feel that, too? God, I miss you....and even though days seem to go a bit better....that feeling of loss is still there....I eat....I drive....I perform tasks...I walk the dog...I worship God....but I am sad...utterly sad....I miss my baby so much.................is this what the "me" now will feel from now on? Why????

Dear Adam...I felt some Peace this a.m. when I awoke, perhaps it was that sign you sent me...I am not sure if anyone else believes in things like that...but I do...and I know you'd reach out to let me know that you're okay....and I find some comfort in the notes I read, the pics I hold, the expressions you held when you looked at me, I know in my whole heart that NO mother could have loved her son more or that NO son could have loved his mom more...I know that....more signs went to Earl's house....a doorbell rang three separate times with no one there....and as Julie said...no one rings that bell...and Earl was so distraught over your passing, he loved you like a brother and he felt helpless...and sorrowful for he wished he could have knew...or helped somehow to prevent this horrific event....but we're all holding on to one another....your friends are coming over again tonight for lasagna...and again on Friday....it helps us all....because you left tremendous voids in each of our hearts and this town isn't the same without buddy...

something happened tonight....let's just say a sign of Peace came upon me, I felt your presense and I felt you say to me "I'm okay" and "it was a mistake", it doesn't matter how these words came to me, they simply did and I believe them...and so does Ted and Jordan....and it reaffirmed that you're in Heaven with Pop and everyone else who you loved...that Tisha and Lucky or as Boo would call her "Blocky" are at your side...and you're playing your guitar and harmonica...and gazing down on us...telling us not to cry...to try and live on...dad and I would take this pain we're feeling any day versus never having had the chance to have had you in our lives...the 22 yrs. we had you in our lives was the best a parent could ask for...goodnight sweet angel....let my dreams be sweet....and please visit me in my dreams...

somedays the words just flow....this morning they are slow....I'm still so sad buddy....I just don't know what to do....me, of all people, me the person who always "fixes" things....can't find a way....
Vook photographed all our text messages.....unbelievably, I still had all of our exchanges since May, when Dad bought me that I-Phone....and it felt good to see how many times we'd text each other "luv you" and xoxoxoxo. I know you knew I thought about you every moment...the nights you'd be driving home in bad weather...the times I'd wonder about how you were doing in class....the times you'd be away with friends....never left my mind....but I always thought you'd be alright....you had always been a guy who landed on his feet....oh sweetie, I miss you....Earl's friend Patrick painted a portrait of you...it's amazing....and Earl gave it to us last night....you'd go nuts over it....and he used the coolest, most happiest pic on your facebook to go by and it is remarkable. So many people told me and continue to tell me how amazing you had been, and I knew this....but it warms my heart each story I hear...and I am trying to remember everything....I know I cannot have you...that God has you in His care...but perhaps he has things for me to do here...until I can join you there....again....I love you, I hope you feel my presence when I visit you....the warmth of my feet above you, the softness of my voice as I talk with you, the trinkle of tears that fall onto the soil above you....I hope you feel Peace....
....it's now a little later....went to visit you again....sat on Pop's tombstone.....Hazel and me...she eats the dried old grass and chases after the robins that are now appearing with the signs of spring....I shed endless tears on the dirt over your grave....today I brought you a YooHoo and took a sip first...I remember how much you loved them...I remember everything about you...I always did...I listened to every story....every tale...your voice was an easy one to listen to...with enthusiasm you'd talk about everyone you knew...and those tales made me smile...that smile that allowed you to be forgiven at any moment...your teachers and coaches...all who keep a close watch on us...tell us you were that kid that started out as a bugger and in a short time, people would simply melt and gravitate...what was it Adam, that made you the man you had been? SO many great qualities and a life cut far too short...

Well, it cleared up a little so we walked down the bus road...and everyone was leaving as the parade was over...and we walked to see Judy and Gerry...everyone there was so kind...they took us in and made us eat...and tried to cheer us....people are great, everyone loved you especially...faces sadden as they talk of you or when they see me...the mourning mother...even near-strangers wiping tears from my face...people I barely know hold me and tell me they would do whatever it is they could do for me...those faces with expressions of woe...compassion and lost with what to say....I am trying to remember all these feelings and emotions and expressions...so I can always hold that dear in my heart....Earl and Julie and the kids were just here...Eggfest was a success...some lucky kid will have a scholarship award thru your name...and TB's wants to host this event annually as it was so successful for them also. We went to visit you again tonight...I hope you felt us there...I always talk with you...tonight I scattered shamrocks on your grave...you loved this day and this day loved you...Dad played "Oh Danny Boy" and we sat in silence reflecting on you... I'll simply sleep...in peace until you come to me....please sleep in Peace my dear son....

Parade day in JT...this was your favorite moment of the whole year...it's raining pretty hard off and on...less of a crowd from what it seems...we stayed in until now...looks like it may be clearing and we can't keep beating ourselves up inside...the crying, the longing, the sadness...this wouldn't be what you'd want so I think we've going to walk downtown just for a little bit and think about you...and try and reflect on what you'd be thinking and doing...we love you Adam, everyday and always and when we meet again, I will be the one running into your bear-hug arms....xoxo

hey Adam.....tearful moments mixed with happy ones...how about Eggfest? That was something, I could feel you there................dad's sad again tonight....he wants to make sure you knew how much he loved you, too. I kept telling him you always knew...that his actions spoke much louder than words...and that meant much more to you...he always had your back...and his directives in fatherhood was to keep you straight and on track and I know you knew that. Me, I simply miss you......I still can't imagine how I am to live without you...although I know I must....and I still wallow in sadness for all those whose hearts that are aching...with loss for you....everyone is full of sorrow...everyone was touched by you and your heart...the stories go on and on....like you've led a legendary life...mine pales in comparison...I have alot of work to do to replicate the kindness that you extended to so many others...makes me extremely proud that me, of all people, had an amazing son like you.....

Saturday morning...3 weeks since we lost you...I woke up, like usual, with fright and a pressure in my chest...same thing happens each a.m., almost like Bill Murray in "Groundhog's day", same thing...each morning....reliving that same thing, although his nightmare pales to mine...anyway, I was talking with an old pal, Lisa who I worked with and was friends with since my start into nursing at Palmerton...you knew her, we all liked her...she lost her daughter Amanda a few yrs. back in a tragic motorcycle accident...again, I was there for Lisa....but because I didn't "know" what she fully lost, I couldn't fully comprehend at that time....I could visit her, take walks with her....call and check in on her...but then I could go home and my life was like it was before...she gave me some advice....yesterday....to keep the mantra "He's in a better place"....that was the only thing that comforted her pains...and I thought about that all day....and I do believe that....although I don't know why???? I still know Heaven is Glorious and that perhaps God tried to help Adam on earth but needed to have him up there for Divine intervention....and that he can always be with me...and I need to talk about him and think about him til I am a dying old lady...and I know I will....

Today's Nana's birthday...ahhh...nothing means as much anymore...I am sure you see that as you look upon us from your Heavenly view...some things mean more though...the recent memories we hold onto somehow are magnified....and the other stuff all seems so insignificant...like birthdays...work....chores...yet remembering your last smiles...last conversations....laughter....all are in our minds and thoughts...you had this gift of life...of friendship....we're all still reeling in the aftermath of losing our BEST friend....I could pretend that I'm okay...but I'm not....Dad and I could perform like things are fine...but they're not...no one fully understands this...to see grown men continually wipe their eyes as we chat about you...from the start of your passing...I knew this didn't only affect us, Me, Dad and Jordan...your network of life was so expansive...you had this special and unique gift of reaching out and making every person feel special in their own way...with me and Dad...it was through food....with Jordan it was movies and sports....with Earl...love of music....Will, music and fellowship....Hinkie....food and conversation....Josh, Hontz and Dunbar....the growing up yrs., the Hill rats...the memories of growing up together and I could go on and on....no one accepts this...well, I guess we have to but we're not taking this easy....spending time with your friends has been the most therapeutic to me personally...the parents and older friends are all great....but all of those "hold onto the memories" sentiments hasn't been helping...I like hearing the stuff I remember best...and that's the stuff from your pals....and how they all agree that this sucks....and that it's not fair....that's what I need....there was nothing you couldn't tell me...and your friends did that to me, too.....You'd laugh at some of the stuff Hontz would reveal...it was always GOOD! And we always LAUGHED....I need you to know that nothing you ever did made me ever love you less...and in the end, I wish I could have saved you...from the sadness you may have felt or the thing you couldn't tell me...please know I pray and talk with you every day...every moment....in the rain I cried today...while visiting your grave...we love you Adam, forever in my heart....

supper with the guys....

Thought of you all night..... with fondest thoughts...your friends have rallied around us...Hontz and Hinkie and Vook and McFarland came to eat supper w/us....I made so much pasta and Chicken Winston, and guess who was lovin' it? Yup, Hinkle...and as sad as WE ALL are, we managed to eat...talk...share stories....all good in your memory. It felt normal around my table, it felt like you were there, too...and I know you would want me to keep that life line open with your friends...and they are all still checking in on us...Hontz and I had coffee together and cried....he is an amazing person, too...your life was filled with the BEST people on the planet and somehow the empty space that you left for us...well, we know no one could ever fill that void....EGGFEST is hopping...Earl has made big plans to celebrate your memory...we're hoping the rain stays away...but so many people are planning to be there....to remember you and and support us...I love you more than words can tell...my heart is filled with love and memories...I cherish you...and all you were to me and to all of those around me....

I still awake each morning and revisit the thoughts that you're really not here...that I can't hug you anymore or hear your voice as you used to sit and talk with me...days goes by a little better...I feel your strength...no parent should ever feel this pain...and I know you would never inflict this pain knowingly...I am trying to look to other sources of feeling positive in such a negative circumstance...God, family, reflection...the things I have learned in less than 3 wks. could fill many pages in a book...perhaps God will use me as a source of strength for someone's comfort someday...I miss you Adam and I know that'll never change but the ways in which you left your imprints in our hearts and minds will never go away...and with LOVE I remember it all...and knowing that we had PEACE in our hearts and love for each other ALWAYS is what I cling to...xoxo Mom

a sign???

Dad and I went to the lake today and talked about you...and for a little while, we laughed reflecting on happy moments...I was telling him about how in late Aug./early Sept. (me, being the goof I can be), I straddled a rock in the lake parking lot with the new SUV and was competely stuck with Hazel in tow....and how I was soooo upset and that I called you ...and that you and Harry used chains and man strength to move the car off that rock...and how you loved it that you knew I needed you! And how you kept that secret so Dad wouldn't flip out and complain....well, while talking about that and walking on the breast of the dam, what do we see but the most beautiful and magestic of creatures....a bald eagle soaring right above....was that a sign? At that time of speaking of you...and how you knew your father's love of birds??? Wishful, I'd like to think it was you soaring above us...you in your glorious state showing us a sign that we asked for....love you so....

Good morning Adam...I'm trying to work through this stuff a little better each day, I know it's important for me to do this, for me and for you...I know you would never want me feeling this way, I know this was not meant to hurt me or anyone else, as Father Ward said over and over again, this was a tragic accident...someday I will understand the "why's"...the support of people has been so helpful....people are so kind...I will never lose sight of that...be sure to be watchful over all those kind hearts who are helping us here on earth...I've been praying alot and find support from our Hospice Chaplain as well as your old pre-school teacher, Miss Carol! Believe it or not, she is now a grief councelor and I was able to talk with her...part of me thinks I may have helped her a little too....It was awkward for her to come up with some sort of reason for comfort...your death was so sudden, so unprepared...so many question marks? Young man, tragic demise...secrets revealed....too much....too soon....too sad...but talking about how much we loved you...and how we embraced your uniqueness somehow helped...the worst scenerio would be for me to shrivel up inside...to holdback my smiles and that ability to cheer people....that would made you sad...because that's what you loved best...you loved that I loved your friends...you loved how I loved your music...meeting people...sharing in your stories...I met so many nice people through you....in many ways you'd been a vital force into making me the Lori LaRizzio I became...me, the band geek....shade of vanilla with a dorky awkwardness....had wildly eccentric son...brought out some of the hidden inner cool chick! God I miss you, but each day is getting a tiny bit easier...perhaps you're easing that for me...thank you for being my son...I know you loved that role as much as I loved being your Mom....

......

Tuesday...March 9th....Just got back from visiting you, Hazel and I are Faithful...as we sit by your grave, we think of you and Pop...we reflect on your memories...people have been so supportive, it's amazing, some people step forth without hesitation....some are uncomfortable yet mourn with us also...in a different way...Dad is the saddest I have ever seen him...he is so used to being the one in control....his heart is broken, we're all broken but trying to pick those pieces up and go on...what choice do we have? Again, the sun shines, I hear the birds sing, and I think of you...I see beauty in something on my walks and I see your face, I hear your voice in the music that's on the radio...you've touched my life in ways I wish I had time to express to you before you passed...but I do know you loved me, you told me so many times....you showed me effortlessly...I cherish your love....and hold you near me...moment by moment....I love you Adam xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
p.s. I am trying to take small steps...today I went to Perkins with Lisa, she always was and always will be my dearest friend...and tonight, Patti and Mike had us over, you used to call her Auntie Pat...will all miss you baby...I worry about everyone whose lives you touched, as everyone is reeling in sadness...

reflections....

You have a love that others wish for in their lives....that is the way people see our family...I am hopeful that this will always remain...and that the bitterness will never be there....our Faith is way too strong to let this allow us to rot inside...there had to be a reason that God took you from us so early...someway, somehow he needed you...beyond our capacity to understand...you had gifts and talents that many will never know...maybe God saw our family's strengths....perhaps our gift to you will be to never let your spirit fade...to teach the things you valued so strongly...to shine like you shined...to love like you loved....to see things the way you had been able to see things...to touch people's hearts the way you touched people's hearts...

March 8th...today would be your uncle's birthday, he, like you....left two moms saddened deeply....he loved music almost as much as you did....as incredible to believe as that could be...
Earl and Julie organized a memorial for you...they created EGGFEST...a block of bands and DJ Dunbar hosting an event to remember you...and your glorious memory...way too short...it's comforting to know that you've touch so many....as there are so many planning to be there...and we're planning a scholarship award in your name...so that each yr., a student who we would pick, can get a check to pursue music...and honey, we know the kind of student you'd pick...the kind who'd express uniqueness....and love to perform with their guitar....and how you loved country music most....but how you could listen and reflect on just about anything...one of my most loving memories of recent was you with your guitar, sitting by me near the computer, strumming the new song you'd been working on...and how we didn't always agree on the same music...how you disliked Tracy Chapman...but we both liked the Flaming Lips...and how much fun it was to see Bruce Springsteen with you...every song reminds me of you....every smile exchanged reminds me of your smile....every laugh I hear reminds me of the laughter you shared and the silliness you so frequently spread to those around you....again, the sun is shining...the snow has gone...your grave site is clear and we continue to visit you...and to Hazel, trotting down St. Kevin Drive has become routine...she misses you as does Murray and Chyna, we're being extra nice to Murray....

Adam's Mom

Adam's Mom

good night sweet son....

Good night my sweetheart...rest easy and know you fill my every thought and dream...hold me close in your loving arms while I rest off to sleep...watch over me with your angel friends and continue to teach and guide me....I pray for strength...I love you.....forever and ever....

Message in a prayer

Went to Mass tonight, the priest had a powerful message....main point is that bad things happen to good people sometimes, it's not that we did anything...that you did anything....hopefully you're in the hollow of God's hand and looking down upon me as I type...missing you so much....please know how much I love you...someone dear sent me an Irish Prayer...your dad calls it "Adam's Irish Prayer":
Always remember to forget...the times that made you sad...
But never forget to remember....those that that made you glad...
Always remember to forget...the friends who proved untrue....
But never forget to remember....those that stood by you...
Always remember to forget...the troubles that passed your way...
But never forget to remember...the Blessings that come each day...

Endless Tears

March 7th...15 days since you left us here...this morning, as with all mornings.... was incredibly difficult. I cry so much, I wonder how many tears one's eyes can create...I see you in everything around me...the pictures, the memories, the stories...you'd smile to see all those around here telling tales of you...you who seemed to live 44 yrs. in your 22 yr. old life...the people you touched, the smiles that you shared...I try and look for reasons still....yet I find none....I pray for you to come visit me at night in my dreams....Father Chizmar told me you would...that you would give me some peacefulness while I slumber...and I anxiously await that visit. I do dream about you...but it's all jumbles of dreams...no clarity, although there seems to be no clarity in anything anymore. Dad and I hold each other as we weep...we hold steadfast that you knew the love we held for you and your brother....it's hard for him, also. He looks so sad...his best friend is in Heaven now. I am sure, as others reassure me, that you're with Pop, and your aunts and uncles and other grandparents...that you're probably playing guitar with Johnny Cash....knowing you, it seems pretty real...I hope when my lips...the first lips and the last lips to touch yours beginning and end of life...that you felt my love radiate into you....my beautiful son....I will always LOVE you....please give me some sign, some Peace, some way to let me know that you're okay...I will talk to you everyday and value that God Blessed me with a wonderful son...and he needed you more than we on earth are able to understand....an old friend from high school dropped by yesterday, we used to have fun in English...she knew I was in awe of your dad, even back then...she said she remembered my earnest desire was to marry Teddy and have kids...boy was she sure right...that's all that ever truly mattered with me....no more Lori Helmer....it all became becoming Teddy's wife....Jordan and Adam's Mom....the best role I could have ever yearned for...

tears....

March 6th...officially 2 wks. today that Adam has left us...and a hollow remains in my chest....sometimes almost taking my breath away....people tell me I am strong...how is that? How strong am I? Or how strong could any parent be to have lost a child...Adam will always be what I last saw, and last remembered....a handsome young man of 22, piercing blue eyes....bright as crystals, broad smile of perfectly white teeth...perfect golden blonde hair...hair I longed for myself...I would often look at him and think he was beautiful....he was a beautiful person...
Ted and I somehow make it through the days....which have become VERY long....cry intermittantly between reminiscing about his childhood and growing up years...then patiently wait for night to come upon us so we can lie in bed hopeful for sleep and a break in the saddening feelings that consumed us all day....I try and find reason....why? But there is none...me, the unbelievable optimist can find no rhyme or reason...my glass was always half full...since Adam's passing, my glass has fallen over...can I somehow recollect myself...perhaps refill that glass with all the tears that I've shed? I went to your grave every day since you left us...I hope you feel our presense...the sun actually shown brightly today for a change...you fill my every thought...xoxoxo

love...

Nothing truly comforts me yet, but I do like hearing the "Adam" tales...rather than talk about how sad his death was...it fills my heart with hearing about those nice moments....someone remarked "everyone was Adam's friend and they weren't, they wanted to be"....who did Adam really want to meet? YOU, that's what he would say...he wanted to live like a rockstar...he loved life...he loved people, he valued his friends...although firey at times with his unwavering opinions, he still was a gentle soul...he loved people, he loved those who seemed "different" and he enjoyed animals...he had a sort of old fashioned respect for those older people and would love to hear their stories...

Quest to understand...

Day 1 of blogging....as of Feb. 20, 2010, my life has changed forever as with that date a part of my heart has died. My son, Adam, only 22 yrs. old died on my bathroom floor. Unapparent to me at the time, that his death was related to IV drug use (something that was very recent)...my older son Jordan summoned me and my husband from our sleep...no CPR or meds or heroics had been able to save him...as I became frozen and numb...an incomprehensible thing has affected me and my family....days led into weeks and it is only now that I am beginning to fully understand and accept (sort of) what has really happened and that I don't have him here anymore...so many feelings have been felt by Teddy and me...why? could we have prevented this? why didn't we know? how could this happen to him or our family? Everyone loved Adam, how couldn't you, his personality could "light" up a room, explosive smiles, warm and tender hugs, acceptance to all around him....his warmth was genuine and he was MY son...God I miss him. I have been praying extra hard to see why God took him from me....why do so many others get 2nd chances? What did our family do to deserve this? Yet, my Faith won't be questioned because I do believe that God wouldn't do any of this without greater reason...Hopeful to feel better tomorrow....to continue life....although not as before but with desire to hold onto what is left...and to never forget the love I had for Adam and that I will always remember how he loved me, too....