If tomorrow starts without me...

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me....sent to my by my cousin Renee, someone sent it to her...to pass onto me...beautiful words...heartfelt...

"If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
and since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart."

the empty chair...

Dear Adam,

Last night we spent time with my parents...they're really aging as we all noted within the past year or two...Nana can't see well and Pop struggles "just" to get out of a chair...and his hearing is lost...half of what I say seems lost in translation...and they seem at a "loss" at what to say...although that seems to be the general consensus...we gathered at the restaurant they took you to weekly at one point...you used to go with them on a Wednesday after Nana went to the hairdresser...you'd order a shrimp platter and then head off to Wal-mart...and you guys did this weekly for several years until you hit the higher point of high school and your activities somehow got in the way....and just a few months ago...it was us, the six of us who gathered there for celebrate Pop's birthday...last night we sat at a table....like we all did often before...and there were still 6 chairs present at that same table...only last night, one seat was empty...the seat next to me. No one said anything....but all through the meal I felt the emptiness and loss it induced...

I see the empty chair each night when I set my own table...I see the toothbrush that was yours still inside our toothbrush holder...Your CD player which held a cherished spot in our bathroom still sits there...untouched...with your CD still within...and I think, whatever music you had in there was what you'd been listening to the last time you showered on Friday, Feb. 19th...I think that each one of us doesn't want to remove any of it...we know you're not coming back...but the little bit of comfort we see in those little things is what we hold onto...a piece of you....and now Dad...he gave Jordan the Chevy to use since he must travel back and forth to Bethlehem ...so he uses your car...it was rough on him...your music still in the CD player there, too. As difficult as it was at first, he now feels some comfort being in that car...perhaps he feels you're there riding shotgun with him......and he hasn't changed that CD either...the one you'd been listening to on your ride home that night...the night when life changed for all of us...

Thursday morning....7:42 a.m. my blog times aren't in sync with the times I write...Dad and I chatted yesterday afternoon while making our daily visit to your grave Adam...I see someone added a little ring of flowers...the wind was up so we secured it. There's no stone there yet, just a small marker that bears your name and date of birth and date of death...nothing more...it pains me to think....that someone walking by there...might not truly know the "you" that you were...even when the stone we ordered arrives...only so much can be put upon it's surface...the only ones who know your story are those who knew you...and all we have, as your parents are memories...yes, memories...but even as your Dad put it yesterday..."cherish the memories" is something you tell someone when their elderly parent dies....because through their lifetime...they had MANY memories...the brutal truth for us is that we only have "so" many memories...and some of them consist of the trying "teenage" years...you see, this was the time Adam, that things were going look up...the man you were turning into was supposed to connect in love...and hopefully marry...and raise that family...and new memories would collect for the LaRizzio family...some of my memories now...I try and forget...the occurrences of utter sadness that I had to endure the night you died...and now...as your Dad reminded me with a soft and solemn voice....that I will eventually "run" out of things to put into this blog. Keeping this Blog alive allows me to keep a small "piece" of you alive with it...and it's heart wrenching...to agree with him, in the fact that it too will come to an end...memories...aahhh...people reading this have chances...to see how short life can be...how something can occur so quickly that you loose someone you loved so much in an instant...and the regrets even a "good" family must face and live with...how each argument or debate you'd had somehow now seems utterly regrettable...the woefulness of not saying more about how special that person was...I know...I did show you love...and that you felt loved....but I had a laundry list of things I would have told you...I wrote a letter to you the night before last...and placed in beneath my bedding...someone told me to write my thoughts, as if it was a note to you that you could read...and you'd visit me in my dreams...that man was wise...and the letter remains where I placed it...you're a welcome guest in my mind and dreams any day Adam....

courage...to push on

9 1/2 weeks since my son left us...and that hollow void remains...days continue filled with sadness and feelings of loss...the loss of laughter...the loss of joy...I sometimes wonder, will I ever feel happy again? Smiles...once a frequent thing surrounding us, is seldom seen....courage...another thing that I once felt filled with...is also lost....that spirit that at one time enabled me to be brave as a mother...that filled me once with fortitude....to face risks and uncertainty is absent now...I ponder on how others have moved through this...people who know me...and who knew "me"...as I had been since I was a little girl, tell me I will....eventually "move through this"....that it takes time and patience...I've been a patient soul my whole life...and again, I wonder...why me...why us...why Adam? I know he's gone...I know the stages...and I've accepted our fate from the beginning, because it was I who had the first realization...that Adam passed...and for weeks that followed, I did exactly what I was supposed to do as the bereaved mother...perhaps the endless tears I shed is the entrance into yet another stage...Mothers who lost children years ago...how did they manage? My friend Kathy and I spoke of this several times...her mother and her mother in law both lost sons at young ages in tragic accidents...and back then...in the 60's and 70's...there wasn't the grief support groups or counseling there is now...I asked her what they did to pass through this...she told me they would talk it out...sounds like good advice...and I've been trying...and people have been patient. I worry sometimes that my "talking" might depress others...but when I do talk about Adam...it does lift my spirit. I need some courage...I need more strength...I need a spiritual push to move me through this rough patch...and in words to myself I say:

Don't you think this is meant to be....

Obviously, you have so many things to do still....

So many wonderful things to see....so many beautiful people to find...

There is always going to be some darkness in your shadow....and it's okay to keep and eye on it...

But up until now...the sun has been shining on your back....

Don't you think you should turn around?

I still see the sun, I still feel it's warmth on my face...when I look to the sky at night, I can still see the stars in the blanket of the night...I still feel warmth in my heart....I never stopped caring about others...so pieces of me remain alive....I need that inner flame rekindled...I need to follow my own advice....courage....courage....courage....

the bridge...

Some of Adam's friends were Jordan's friends also...and the founder of his notorious nickname happened to be a girl who Jordan was friends with forever, and for a short period of time, Jordan even dated her...so it is she...who thought up the nickname "Egg"....Jen...such a sweet girl, instant likability....easily adapted into any situation....I never stopped loving this girl...
and through high school and beyond into college and now still...she keeps in touch. I could feel her suffer with me during my loss...I knew she looked to Adam as a little brother for awhile...
and it undoubtedly broke her heart to watch me, as a mother and her friend, suffer such a tremendous loss...
she dreamt of me last night...that she and I were in the forest surrounded by tall trees and vast bridges...bridges that spanned immense bodies of water...for some reason unknown, we went to a bonfire within the darkness of the night...the chill of the evening made my decision to leave and go back into town, Jen wanted to ride along in with me...during that ride she listened to my "stories" of Adam and his life, almost like she never really "knew" him. As I poured my heart and soul out to her...we stopped at a bridge...Jen questioned me why I wasn't going across it...I looked at her with tears....telling her it was "here" where Adam had passed....I told her that I often would come this far but lacked true strength to go across and complete my journey...and that I would ride miles out of my way to go back into town...she encouraged me, supported me and I decided to give it a try, making it half-way there and almost turning back, but somehow I found some strength within and ventured further and across that bridge. She told me we prayed and we cried after crossing....thanking God for that might...a milestone made....She sees much through her dreams...as I do in mine. I see so much inner meaning with her dream...I feel like I am at that road block, my life is not as it was...and it saddens me beyond belief...me, formerly unstoppable, is now fearful of crossing any bridge or road block, metaphorically speaking...traveling miles out of my way to "avoid" things I cannot find courage to face...perhaps I do possess that "strength" within to cross "this bridge" that Adam's passing has created...perhaps if I envision Adam at the end of that bridge waiting for me....I could muster up the courage...My heart hurts so much some days....I feel like I can't go any further...but somehow I do...and I feel hopeful through her dreams....and appreciate the kindness and love she bestows....thanks Jen...thanks for helping me cross that bridge...your support will live inside my heart...forever....

rain....a poem by me

The springtime rain...
with it's sweet, fragrant smell...
it's dewy mist...on me repels...
I am like the rain...for when I cry...
tear droplets stream....down my saddened eyes...
I'm like the rain....with sullen gray skies...
my cloudy mood...wears no disguise...
I'm like the rain...with firey rage....
my emotions spring forth....as though lightening's uncaged....
I'm like the rain...
on gentle nights...
that kisses the dry earth and bids others good-night...
Although not often...I'm like the rain...
that ceases in Peaceful....quiet refrain...
Adam's smile would be the rainbow...that could brighten the sky
and bring forth bright tomorrows as our new dreams arise....

my dream....

Yesterday was a "blue" day....rainy day....missing you every moment....I had a hard time keeping my tears from flowing...today seems a little bit brighter...I slept better and I dreamt of you, Adam....it was a beautiful dream, too...I dreamt you'd been sleeping on the couch in our living room, and I was across the room, watching you sleep...I was sorting through your CD's on the counter, looking at your music...you started to stir, woke up and walked over to me, encircling me with those bear hug arms...I could smell you....I could hear you voice...you felt like "you"...the you I held in my arms since infancy...your soft skin...and gentle blue eyes...smiling and outwardly joyous to hold me, too...and in that dream and even now...upon awakening...a feeling of contentedness surrounded me...thank you for the love you showed me in my dream...this is the first time in 9+ weeks that I wasn't awakened with those horrible feelings of angst...I love you Adam...

boys.....

Moms...I loved being a mom, to me, the greatest gift God gave me was the gift of my two sons...having a baby is the greatest of all God's presents and I was forever grateful...this Mother's day will be a sad one...I've been thinking about it and dreading it...that my special "gift" was taken from me...how can life be the same without that precious gift? And of all moms who valued that gift...I know how much I truly did...will God give me other gifts? Are there other things for me ahead...I ponder....I think....I wonder....the gifts I gave to my children were many....my love, unconditional....my care, unending....my thoughts and hopes....abundant....my loss....unbelievable
......and when I think back, even as a little girl...playing with my dolls, all I ever hoped for was to be a real mom one day....and a little later, as a teenager, I would daydream in church...I would wish for two children someday....funny remembering back, I wanted 2...so they'd be best friends...and grow up together...and when I had Jordan and became pregnant again, I wished for another boy...because I wanted Ted to have handsome sons....and I wanted Jordan to have a brother and playmate...and when we discovered that I was having a 2nd son....the house was filled with joy...and being a really good "boy's mom" came easily....
I hope Adam knew how much he was wanted...always...forever...

normal?

Me, the nurse I am.... and the sort of person that I am...when I question something, I look up the answers...not afraid of doing a little research so I can understand it...although this one has me lost...forever....I did lots of reading on bereavement and loss...and "how to cope" the best one can....and the realization that "normal" for me, will never be the same...how can it? Normal for me was life with my family and our family included Adam, he was a VITAL part of life at the LaRizzio household....his laughter filled every space...I dreamt of him last night....finally, although the dream wasn't for me, I see it as a message to Jordan...I, in the dream, was sitting on the stoop step of our den...and Adam, as I saw him sooo many times before was hovered over the computer in the broken down computer chair...pouring over his downloaded music. He was crying...his hair disheveled, he had on a white tee and his zip down hoodie....he shook his head and placed his hands in his hair, almost like that frustrated thing we do...and said "I'm sick of hearing everyone elses music, I just wanna hear Jordan's"...."I'm tired of William's music"...he even said William's name to me....I don't understand it fully...but Ted thinks the inner meaning is he simply misses Jordan...and I know that's true...Jordan walked away when I was telling him that dream, not to be mean towards me, but it probably made him even sadder...I woke up and started crying again...what is normal after a child dies? Nothing....you must rebuild your new normal....the saddening stories I read state: Normal now is trying to decide what to take to the cemetary for birthdays, Holidays, occasions....normal now is not sleeping well...because of the thousands of "what if's" flowing through your mind constantly...normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to your loss....unless they, too have lost a child, because nothing else compares...the lists go on and on...and we, the grieving parents swim in a sea of sadness...we either learn to float or allow ourselves to "drown".......me, I honestly never learned how to swim, even as a child...since this event, my floating has been supported by those who throw buoys to me....those who are teaching me "how to stay afloat"....sometimes I feel myself sinking.....but when I do, I somehow paddle my way back, to the top of that sea....and hold on.....

the cake...

Adam loved to do nice little things for people...sometimes it involved me or the "Blue Nana" baking for his friends...I miss him asking me to do that stuff... being that old fashioned sort of mom, I looked forward to those requests...one of the fondest memories was the annual chocolate cake he'd "take credit" for making that he took to his friend Kayla's house to celebrate her birthday each November...most years, it would be the "Blue Nana" making her delicious version of an old-time chocolate cake...but there were years I made that cake, too...and he'd delight in telling Kayla "he did the whole thing!"...I smile as I type this...that mischievous little smile....and that was Adam's smile...we all knew it and we all loved it...his participation in the cake efforts may have been that he threw the sprinkles atop that frosting...but reflecting on that...it didn't matter...what mattered most was how he thought about his friend at that time...and the mere fact that he wanted to do this nice gesture and he followed through with it. He did stuff like that often...If it was Holiday times and I made pumpkin rolls, he's invite the crew over for that...and of course, for his birthday, I would bake a cheesecake and again, we'd have plenty of others enjoying it...Adam's last cooking request from me was for "Festivus" in December...he and some of his friends who are loyal to following Seinfeld in cindication....celebrated with a little party annually....and they'd have odd concoctions of foods...this year I made homemade Swedish meatballs and I made dessert...I took my time and made dessert brownie bites with a swirl of chocolate icing and topped with shimmering snowflake sprinkles...he laughed and laughed telling me it's to fancy for "Festivus"....he texted me later that night that everyone loved my food...
well, I enjoyed being part of that, too...and I think I'll still bake that cake in November because I know that Kayla and her folks will appreciate that...and we'll think about Adam when we eat it...

3 Angels in Paradise....

Jordan's Facebook message recently said "why are all the good people being called"?
I've had my share of personal heartbreaks...my son...the most devastating thing that a mother could endure...but my tears started back in the end of December...our Hospice social worker was having a bad week...she lost her wallet, she tripped on a carpet and hit her head...she experienced computer problems, yes, our dear Linda was having a bad week...and we all LOVED Linda and it was so odd to see her out of sorts like that...the last time I saw Linda was Christmas eve...it was she and I who were the "lucky" ones to get to work that day...I knew about the bad week she'd been having so when we parted ways that day, I told her I hoped her week "turned around" and I took around her with a tender embrace and for some reason, the words "I love you" simply flowed from my lips...she smiled, a huge smile and said, "ya know, I love you, too"...she told me she was happy she was off until Dec. 28th...and on that date of her return she met God...as her van was hit driver's side while turning onto route 443...the remembrance of that "final farewell" was unbelievable...we all mourned her loss for weeks...months...the empty chair and desk that was once occupied by one of the kindest hearts ever...she was wonderful and the office seemed void with her absence...then it was my loss...and the office reeled in my sadness and pain...then today, we heard more sad news....as if our little office in Lehighton could bare one more heartache...the news came that our night-time nurse, Donna, was killed in a car accident yesterday afternoon in Reading...while en route to a Christian retreat...people who work in Hospice are usually a different breed of people...they have compassion and care beyond anyone else (or at least our staff does)...and with Donna...she was our perfect nurse...she was not only a nurse but a minister, too. So when she made her visits on the night watch...she not only brought with her the fine nursing skills she had but she always brought along her spiritual self...she was simply amazing, too. It was Donna who mailed me prayers and poems each week as I suffered with my own loss...now her family is enduring the same pain that I am feeling...And I wonder....again....why????? SO many saddened hearts surround us...and to have such a small office as ours be struck with such infinite sadness...please pray for Donna...and Linda...and Adam...three perfect angels in Paradise....

Jim Thorpe's Finest...

For some reason...life continues to circle...and what I mean there is that one event flows into another...one hand outstretched reaching to another...and then some other hand affected earlier reaches back...people helping people...our town, Adam's favorite town in the world, Jim Thorpe. Is there any finer town? I'd doubt that...
When Adam passed...so many good people out stretched their arms to us...they cried with us...they talked with us...they comforted us...they seemed to understand our pain and as they saw it, the quaint little town of Jim Thorpe lost one of it's finest...two days ago...joining Adam in Heaven, was the passing of another of Jim Thorpe's finest...who happened to be my favorite teacher. Mr. Kovac was an amazing man...I still remember how interesting he made learning English and literature and how he'd make each one of us feel important. Reading over my papers he'd tell me with optimism "Lori, you could write someday"...I believed him and I always wanted to...my head was always filled with tales and ideas...my imagination was flowing....but I wanted to marry Teddy so badly, the career choice I made was partly based on "get through quickly"...not that being a nurse was a bad decision...it actually was quite rewarding and fulfilling...and I had always taken that role seriously....but I know I didn't "think" out those choices back then...I know he was MANY other students favorite teacher, also...and he was kind...his voice was an "easy listen"...and he spoke to our class often about his family, always with love and laughter...fond memories...and when I heard he passed...the one thought that gave me comfort is that he, too...was in Heaven with my son...his family was so good to us with Adam's death...and although extremely difficult, I knew I needed to "give back"...and giving back is part of my process in healing...and spending time with them last night was just that...healing...such a kind and loving man with such a wonderful family...many question why God is calling so many good ones home...I guess we'll all wonder...but Heaven is a better place with men like Mr. Kovac and my son in it...God Bless you, Jim Thorpe's finest....
p.s. Mr. Kovac's son became Adam's teacher...and he told me that Adam was one of his favorite students...that not many touched his heart the way Adam did...I hope a piece of me touched his father's heart, too...just wanted to mention how that circle continued....

steps....

And the whirlwind of emotions continues...for each of us here...even Jordan, who is a quiet soul.... tells me of the wickedness of those emotional rides...Ted encourages me always...telling me I "turned a corner" in my progress last night...we avoid going into really crowded places because of the awkwardness it poses...not that we're ashamed or embarrassed...it's simply because when you see people (and everyone in town either knows me or Teddy) they immediately feel the need to say something, and like I mentioned before, it's usually the wrong thing to say and I end up crying...not good in a supermarket...last night was different. A kind older man we know stopped us saying "I am sorry for your loss...and I don't know what else to say"...his sad blue eyes moist with tears...his bottom lip quivered as he spoke...I simply went over and hugged him, it was a good embrace, too. You see, it was his son who helped me to perform CPR on Adam...it was his son who was supportive that night and afterwards...it was his son who told me what a good nurse and mom that I was...and you know...I shared that with him. And after that, we stood for at least ten minutes, in the middle of isle three talking about how nice a young man our son Adam was...and I felt some well-deserved comfort. The next isle found us hugging another newer friend...she called me her hero...hero I am not...a surviving mother is no hero...and I couldn't bring him back...but I suppose hero in her eyes was me "bouncing back" after life's adversities...
My friend Marie is as reflective as me...it's she who validates the things I question...thank God for great friends...so far today's a better day...I have more corners to turn I see and a far journey awaits me...one step at a time....one step at at time......

Erica's flowers.....

Adam loved Erica...he really did...for many years...but their close friendship never allowed romance to intervene...they spent so much time together all through junior high and all through high school...sharing dreams and supporting one another....she told me today that her boyfriend bought her lilies...and Adam loved lilies...and he loved the name Lilly...as did Erica...the flower's heads were closed tightly when she got them...last night was the first time Erica had the strength to visit Adam's grave since his burial...sad night...sad for us (always) and sad for Erica, I know how much she misses him...when she opened her eyes this morning, all 11 blooms were fully opened on those lilies...she'd like to think Adam did that, I'd have to agree...and something else really compelling was that when I went into his bedroom today, I decided to be brave and open one drawer...just one...a simple step...and I did...to discover his old high school wallet...inside of it were some insignificant items, like old business cards and an old Big Boulder ID....but in the plastic picture holders was a picture of Erica and a photo of her brother Dirk (Derby) as Adam would call him...funny how things work...Adam's little messages providing some well-needed comfort here...
p.s. Adam told me (and Erica agreed this was truth) that if he and Erica weren't in relationships by the time they hit age 26, they'd marry someday...and have little Guido and Lilly....at his funeral, another girl approached me and with sincerity confessed to me that she and Adam had a plan...if either of them weren't married by 28, they'd marry...just like Adam to plan ahead...I wonder who was his choice for age 27? Loved by all.....

circles...

circles...ongoing and connected, never ending...circles of friends...all of us holding hands...not letting go in the formation of a perfect circle...as little children we circle...in our games we played like ring around the rosy...circles...signs of love on your left fourth finger which creates a bond with another...love...encircles you forever....the way life can circle and spin...one things runs into another...like the lines of a perfect circle...flowing and endless...my love encircles you Adam....our circle was never broken...our circle was nearly perfect...

The Meaning...

Meaningless...without direction or purpose...unfulfilling...that's sort of how I was describing the way I felt over the past two months...and perhaps hitting today's date, April 20th, officially 2 months since Adam's passing...it may be the cause of feeling that "meaningless emotion" even more so since last evening...but my mind works differently than most...I analyze everything...and critique my own thoughts...correcting myself immediately thinking...how can I see life as meaningless...yes...a HUGE portion of my heart was literally ripped from my chest two months ago and infinite sadness follows me wherever I go...but meaningless...continuing to feel that way would be cruel...not only to myself but to those who love me...they look at me with meaningfulness...purpose...meaningfulness to me is hugely fulfilled by "me" helping others...and I've begun to do that today...actually....looking back...my journey for "meaning" and "purpose" again started a month ago when I baked a cake for a friend who lost a friend...every time I feel someone elses loss...I completely understand...I think I always have...to a high degree...but through this...that level is even deeper...and Ted and I discovered that people are kind...so many others think the world is bleak...and that they are alone...I never felt more cared about than I did in the past eight weeks...and it was the first time for me being on the other side of the fence...it felt odd to "need" so much...but without the meaningfulness that surrounded us...we wouldn't be this far...God Bless my family and friends...and to the many new friends who encompassed our lives...we are forever grateful....

guardian angel...

I dreamt of an angel...perched high amidst the clouds...her wings bright and beautiful, her spirit uplifting...
She peered down from her haven and saw me there...full of life's tragic despair...
She fell from the sky and landed into my world...
She tried to make me see the stars again...the moon...the rainbows...life's true gifts...
all of her efforts failing....as I drifted back...away from her...missing you...
Other curious angels...peering out from the clouds...watching as I try to rid my mind of sorrows...wishful words from my mouth...heartfelt yet hopeless...
My face is wet from raindrops...as I look up toward the skies...I see it's not raining at all...its just those curious angels crying over the demise of my loving son...those angels on earth couldn't protect him...so now he's with them in their tender care...they cry for me...because of my sadness...yet the comfort they bestow...will guide me through this...God Bless my guardian angel...

Inspire me....

Inspiration...some people view me as inspiring...I'd like to think small pieces of me have inspired others over the years...I've always "listened" when people talked...and through carefulness and concern, you can learn much...sometimes it's simply just listening to their stories and reflecting that causes their own inspirations to surge forth...I'm not quite sure where this inner inspiring sense ever came from...my dad's motto was "I'm the born loser", he'd joke as he'd say it...but he'd say that often, and so did my oldest brother...who took his life 3 yrs. back....and my mom was old fashioned and kept her inner thoughts silent... And I often think...without Hope or inspiration...what else is there? There is no perfection in anyone's life and we all carry crosses at one point in our life...mine is the heaviest, but that bit of inspiration that still glimmers inside my heart and mind sees that others are burdened also. Perhaps not in the same sense as me, but they've got their own burdens, too. Inspiration...led me to seek out friendships...to build self-worth...inspiration...led me to God and my Faith...without Hope or inspiration...where would I see Adam now? My Faith leads me to see him in God's safe haven...in a perfect place...surrounded by beauty and love...his angelic face is smiling in my thoughts about him. Without inspiration...I'd be in bed right now, covers over my head praying for God to take me next...but that's not how it is...believe me, when I am called, it'll be me who runs across clouds to meet Adam again...but for now...perhaps it's up to me to continue to inspire...I let go of being angry at God for this...I let go of being angry at "us" for not knowing Adam's secret...the anger wasn't helping anything, but divine guidance was...a special influence on how we're healing...my heart will always ache...and days like today, my Silver wedding anniversary mean little...more important now is that we cling to each other, Jordan and I and Teddy...that we can somehow inspire each other to keep Faith...and cherish the LOVE we held for Adam for 22 yrs., a love that is unstoppable and will follow us through time...inspirations...that he's Peaceful...and he still see us here and keeps a watchful eye on us from his Heavenly loft above...my dearest Adam, my sleepy angel...

The day the music ended...

DJ Egg and MC Minimum Wage...and King Dunbar...and introducing the group ROWN...Adam...his music, his life, and his friendships...he lived and breathed music and everyone around him knew this. He held such talent in that gorgeous blond head of his. He would ask for musical gifts each year for his birthday or Christmas...and often in between...the acoustic guitar...the electric guitar...his amp...but earlier back...it was his DJ set. He went on and on for months how he needed a DJ system with turntables and of course, we bought it for him and he would "scratch" like the rappers did...and he would attract audiences in my reck room...Ted and I loved it. He was spectacular and his persona simply stood out. That's where Adam stood out, being the leader in his own musical genre...and that talent and knowledge just added to uniqueness. We looked at his music as a pleasant diversion...it kept his mind occupied and he was surrounded by good kids who held his company in our home. We'd buy him old albums and he's create masterful sounds with the old school stuff we used to listen to. My dad gave him an old harmonica and a Jew's harp, most people wouldn't even know what a Jew's harp was let alone figure out how to make this key shaped device make music...yet Adam magically figured it out and within days...was playing it as well as my dad...perhaps better...and unlocking the secrets of the harmonica...that was unmatched too...and he'd strum his guitar and wear the harmonica holder around his neck and play away, with a happy look upon his face...Ted and I would challenge him...often, we'd think of our favorite songs and Adam would practice...research and do some fine figuring and before you knew it, he'd pull us around and prove his mastery of the challenge. Jordan loved rap...so through that period of Adam's music, they meshed bigtime...Jordan still only likes rap...he always has...he enjoys the wordage and meanings that the rappers insert into their songs...Adam liked anything...and he'd cycle through many different genres and also adjust his look while going through that musical phase. No one else was like Adam...his reinvention of himself was constantly immerging and delightful. Those reading this who knew him well can appreciate that most about Adam. We all miss DJ Egg...his last DJ event was at Christmas time this past year...he and Dunbar DJ'd the annual volleyball tourniment at the JTHS...he'd always wear a Santa cap and bop to the music he played...and he and King Dunbar always played what the people wanted...the kids where always happy because Adam made people happy...last night I was playing songs that I remembered Adam played here, in our home...of course I cry at the drop of a hat these days...but thinking of him and envisioning those amazing times I was a part of softened my heart...I miss Adam...I miss the music...when he passed...the sweet sounds of Adam stopped...

Pennies from Heaven....

Today I found a penny,
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny,
This little coin I've found.
Found pennies come from heaven.
That's what my "Emily" told me.
She said Angels toss them down.
Oh, how I loved that story.
She said when an Angel misses you,
They toss a penny down,
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
To make a smile out of your frown.
So don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue;
It may be a Penny from Heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.

Dearest Adam...
Your friend Emily wrote me a note about how much she misses you and someone gave her comfort with the story about pennies from Heaven...she keeps finding those pennies ever since she heard this story...please throw down LOTS of pennies to all of us here in Jim Thorpe, because there's an awful lot of people who need to know you hear us...we're all sad because we miss you oh so much...we miss your laughter most...we miss you....

the many smiles of Adam....

I needed to get out of the funk my sadness was placing me under...and the one thought or remembrance that helps lift that dread... is envisioning Adam's smile...it was like no other...his smile was perpetual...amazing...enlightening...encouraging...soothing...unmatched...and he smiled all of the time...Adam was the happiest person I knew...he'd be driving in his car and his head would bop to the tunes blasting on his system...if he's as happy in Heaven as he was here on earth...Heaven's a better place with his smiles among all...
p.s. this is probably the coolest pic of Adam rocking out...

Saturday morning....the 8th week....

Dear Adam...
So difficult to believe it's been eight weeks since your passing...seconds...minutes...hours...days...now months have gone by and with it...we continue to weep and reminisce...some days, I merely don't know what to do...I feel so lost without you...Dad and I take time everyday to cry together...our loss is unbelievable and unbearable..and we try to hide it...because...once again...unless you experience this...you cannot understand it....or "us", and we want people to view us as normal....whatever "normal" really is anymore. Today we spent a portion of the morning making breakfast sandwiches...tons of them...and I can imagine you awakening from those homey and delicious smells as you so often did in the past, and devouring them....nice memory....Julie and Earl and the Kovacs set up the concession stand at the JTHS and the money raised from the snacks will go into your scholarship fund...I keep thinking....if I pour myself into causes...it'll help me heal...and I do feel good about doing things like that...because I've always done things like that...tomorrow was supposed to be our day to "ship off"...on a celebratory cruise for our 25th anniversary...of course we cancelled that immediately...there is no cause for celebration now...nothing means much, if anything...I told your Dad today that I am thankful for his love over the past 25 yrs., our love and family.... it was unmatched by anything else...looking back....I can still remember a day he and I spent in Bethlehem, peering through the windows of the Hotel Bethlehem...there was a banquet room set up (probably for another anniversary party), embellished with fine white linens and decorative table settings...he smiled and said, pretty soon we'll be celebrating our silver anniversary day....wouldn't it be nice to be in a place like this...with Adam and Jordan and some of our closest friends...it was a nice dream...now are dreams are comprised of Hopes that we'll see you soon, that we'll be together again...or at least have more signs from God...when I write...my words are sent to you with Hopes that you will always feel your mother's LOVE...and that you feel a comfort from my words...again, with an open heart I go through each day...holding true to Faith and God....that you walk with me...through everyday...I love you more than words can say...I miss you more than my heart can withstand and I bear it all so I can hold firm to knowing that we'll be together again someday...

Magic Glue

People ask me...how do you go about it...this idea of blogging? Where do those ideas come from...believe me, there is no pattern or format that I follow, I simply think about him and it all comes into play...I had 22 wonderfully fulfilling years with Adam, and he always lived here with us...and being an involved parent allows you that opportunity to know and experience so much...as I did...I thank God constantly for providing me with that love...which all started upon meeting Teddy..."we" or "us" as that family wouldn't even "be" had that not occurred...Ted and I seemed to possess some magic glue that many other marriages and relationships don't seem to have...and I remember using that glue often! As young newlyweds with two little kids....life was a challenge...Jordan was a challenge...now he's so calm but as a tot...let's just say he was a terror! Adam came along and was a textbook baby....a delight...but that changed after he learned to walk and talk....ahhhh....memories...but through tough years, lack of finances...silly and meaningless arguments...we'd somehow get that glue out and patch it all up. Perhaps with Ted and I, that our glue's key element was "ultimate forgiveness"? I think that's what it was actually, because we'd forgive...and move on...and that's how the kids knew us...and how they adapted to things also. Jordan told me last night he liked that most about our family...we had the same issues as everyone else's families, but we'd let it out, then forget it...never lingering on it...and never casting it back out there.... Those who don't do that, allow the situation to fester...I don't think any of us ever had enemies...we always choose to be peacemakers...being bitter takes away the good parts of your life, it allows you to rot inside...being bitter prevents your heart from opening up and allowing love and passion to find it's way inside...and years of that makes people sorrowful and depressed...........it's hard work...trying to rebuild this second phase of my life, the one without Adam in it...but each day after I face the angst that awakens me...and I calm myself enough to begin, the rebuilding process kicks in...the blogging, the walking, the prayers and meditation...reaching out to those who reach also...God Bless those who reach out...I save every little note, card, message...I cherish them, nothing means more to me...last night, I got a note from a 17 yr. old senior girl, a truly beautiful girl, inside and out telling me about how she admires me and what a good mom I was...through stories she heard and then through my blog. Her notes put smiles into my heart...it meant so much. Such a mature person at that tender age to feel so deeply and express so vividly her compassion and understanding of my situation....I am grateful...for Hilary and others who came forth to "be there"...and the "Brenda's" and "Erica's" and "Geralyn's" and "J.C.'s" and the list goes on...and also to those standing faithful as my forever companions....all seem devoted to making sure I am okay...I think eventually I am going to be okay...at least I can see a future...although it seems bleak...I miss "me" so much that a goal I set is to return to "me"...please continue to support my goal...stay by me...let me know you're there...
p.s. Adam and Jordan used magic glue also...they never stayed angry very long with any of their buddies either...life is short...remember the glue next time you're really angry or annoyed with someone, think about how unpredictable life can be...I know Adam's glad he used it...I do believe when he passed, there was Peacefulness upon all of his friendships....there was Peacefulness with us.....God Bless Adam....forever
p.s.s. Adam really loved that blue vest he is wearing...I could write a blog entry simply about that vest one day...it would be like a Seinfeld episode...now Zach wears it with pride...

Peace.....

Mornings...they're so difficult...coffee...thoughts...tears...blogging...I receive little notes and messages daily about my blog now, and some people who consider themselves strangers to me, somehow found me and began to read about my story...and my travel through this terrible ordeal...and they tell me how it strengthens their own family and relationships...hearing of mine...I guess my portrayal of our life now, without Adam makes them realize how short life can be...the quote you never know when it's your last day...hit home hard with us...don't take anything for granted...always tell people how you feel before it's too late...yada...yada...yada...yes, we lived that life...and yes, this still occurred to our little family. Someone else remarked that it's a heavy cross I now must bear as a bereaved parent...that load is an unbelievable weight...the pressure it exerts on me is intense...but I will bear it...I would bear anything for my child...and as I look back, I see that Ted and I truly did that...perhaps too much at times...but being so YOUNG when we had them, we did what we thought we the best...and to us, that was doing ALL that we could...always...and with no regrets I tell that Ted and I willingly became class parents, prom and dance chaperone's, Touchdown Club committee members...I loved being "those" parents...it was fulfilling...and there was not a single kid who embraced that more than my Adam. I remember helping at the snack stand at the little league games...and he'd rally all his friends over to my section of the stand, professing that it was his mom who made the best cheesy fries...then, on our Thursday Night football meals...again, he's bring his pals to "His mom" because I served the heartiest portions...it was always like this...for some reason, he was that kid who really liked ME...he enjoyed me, wasn't annoyed or embarrassed by me, ever....if I'd walk through the halls of Jim Thorpe High, he'd be the one to run over with hugs. SO you see, it's all of that I will miss...although I am forever grateful to have known that...Adam was a special person...we all see that...we all knew that...no one is like him....last night, me and Boo...we talked about that again...as we so often do....is there anyone else even close to the personality-type like Adam? God knows he wasn't perfect, but he had so MANY layers...I liked to think he was multi-faceted...Boo told me that Adam was so proud that I was a Hospice nurse....of course, I knew that, too. He was proud when I was a hospital nurse, also... He simply was proud of me...Imagine that.....And I would have done ANYTHING for him...because I was equally as proud...and I wonder...did he not tell me he needed my help because he was too proud himself? Did he feel he'd disappoint me...I would have walked through fire for either one of my beautiful sons............but thankfully, I think I am going to go on...never in the way that it was before...but because I LOVE ADAM so much, I wouldn't want to "Not get better"....his pain of the changes his death has caused is burnished in my mind and heart...that soft and gentle pressure on the small of my back is still felt frequently as I type...I want to believe he reads my words...hears my prayers and sees my tears...and that his greatest wish is that I find some sort of Peace...and a tremendous part of finding that Peace is to never forget...to honor his Memory...and in that way, his legend may go on forever...God Bless you my dear son...

Remembering....Adam.....

I opened the mail yesterday, as I do everyday and cards are still coming through...it's nice how people care...never will I forget that. The one I received yesterday was from Adam's 4th grade teacher, Miss Longhi, he simply adored her...and obviously, he made an impression on her also...she's sent other notes, too, but with yesterday's, she included pictures of him, in class...on trips...in an activity that was probably the most pivotal point in Adam's popularity moment...when he created a character named "Flat Stanley" for a class project...who Adam wrote a tale about and his travels...it was so good....that Soundcheck Music gave everyone in his class CD's of Will Smith's "Get Jiggy wit' it"....OMG, the tears...and then another old friend of Adam's posted freshman HS pics on facebook....I look at those pics...and the smiles...and his handsome face...he was such a delightfully, silly character...some would even refer to him as an action figure...because he was...and EVERYONE ADORED him.....for as long as I can remember, there was always something different in the most unique of ways...and we all miss him dearly.......I opened the newspaper and saw that a little girl died the day before...locally....struck by a car...I felt her parent's pain upon reading that. My heart reaching out to them...wishful...there was a bell, that would ring to let these parents know their child is safe in Heaven...the way I envision my son...but holding onto Faith is all we here on earth can so...the hands of angels surely reached out for this little girl...we shall learn to live without our angels on earth....I just don't know how yet....

Renee....

The doorbell's ringing and I hold my breath...it's that initial "not knowing" of whose appearing now to give me support...a new level of difficulty Adam's passing has introduced me to...although once that awkwardness is over...then I'm better...tonight it was my cousin Renee...God knows I have missed her...terribly actually...and once within her loving arms...I feel it...that sense of comfort...that sense of love...and I don't want to push people away...I don't know why I feel like this at times...but I am making strides...after she left, Ted and I jogged around the track...you could see the cold frostiness of your breath on a night like tonight...the chill actually burned in your throat...but running in it made me feel something...alive maybe...
p.s. If you're reading this Renee...I missed you....
p.s.s. Adam....there's not a moment that I don't think about you...always in my heart

Hope....

....I had you at the doctor's office in Fall....I remember you exhibiting uncertainty about the college program you'd entered (I was worried about depression)...you were feeling you made the wrong choice...I remember Dr. Smith talking with you, doing labs and telling me, as I agreed, that perhaps you just needed to focus on a job now and then go back to school when you felt YOU were ready...so you took that Fall/Winter semester off...and you secured the job at Split Rock...and took on that role with enthusiasm...there was no indication then that you had a problem with drugs...none...because you died of an accidental drug overdose, there will always be "some" who question...how long did this go on? Did we miss something? How I wished I'd found a syringe before all of this had happened...how I wish I'd had the knowledge to help my son...the time frame seems short...and the few who "sort of knew" you began dabbling...said "he didn't want you or Teddy to know"....Ted and I look back repeatedly on what sign we could have seen...although we did work opposite shifts often...and our lives only intermingled briefly each day when you went on 3-11 shifts...oftentimes, we'd be asleep when you got in...and as we left for our early days...you'd be sleeping in...I miss seeing you sleep... my "sleepyhead" and all of those close to you knew that...even while in the two a day practices for football,you could easily find rest upon a wooden bench...Early February one day...your eyes looked funny and of course I questioned you...and you smiled and automatically replied I was with so and so, who was home from college and they had a little pot...and guess what...I believed you...you see, you told me something (not that I wanted you to smoke pot, but you provided me with an answer)...and most kids wouldn't even answer a question like that...so of course that diverted any further thinking of anything else...I didn't know of heroin...and the stuff I read about didn't happen in small towns likes ours...at least until now...and last night, a lady at the group told me her husband is in jail for his heroin addiction and all the pain and crime it caused her family...the repeated admissions to rehab, our story is far different...she has a long road ahead of her, too...I've spoken to your doctor after all of this...and again, no signs were there in the Fall...and those close to you, Adam.... saw nothing...I hope that you never felt badly about yourself...I hope you never felt like we were ashamed of you....I hope that you weren't depressed and sad until you became so weak you accepted the drug dealer's hand....I hope....I hope...I hope...

prayers for Adam...

Goodnight Adam....I miss you but I know you're with me...we talked about it tonight. Faith is a good thing, people who lack that must feel hollow and numb all of the time, my Faith makes me believe that you sit beside me, maybe in the chair next to me as I type on the keyboard...maybe it's when I am driving and listening to the songs on the radio that you used to sing...I can't see you but I know you're there with me...my heart is open and my mind is welcoming any little piece of love or sign you are able to put forth...and I continue to pray that you're an angel...so with that I will close...with the prayer we would say at bedtime each night when you were a little boy:
Four sweet corners on my bed...six little angels at my head...
two to watch and two to prayer...and two to carry my sins away...goodnight sweet Adam..rest well in your Heavenly loft...

I am not alone anymore....for the past seven weeks I felt like I was the only mom on earth going through what I am going through...until tonight. Upon the good advice and prompting of another mom who lost a child...I joined a support group...no awkwardness for me...none at all...acceptance immediately...by others whose losses equate to mine...and we all had to tell "our" story or pass...but no one passed...seemed like we all had the courage to tell our sad stories...and when I told mine, a pretty Hispanic lady sitting next to me held my hand and cried...and then it was her turn...she lost her beautiful 7 yr. old son from a fall from an attic window last year...and the next lady lost a son to suicide...all tragic and all NEVER want to forget their loved one...and the purpose of us being there...to remember them always. And one by one the rest of the group went on telling of how there son or daughter passed... I picked a picture of Adam that I felt was perfect...he and Maggie smiling brightly...such a happy day it seemed...and that picture hung on the memory board in front of the class...so others could see my Adam...and I also brought along the picture of Adam and I from Christmas...another joyous shot...and I know I was HAPPY on that one...my heart was racing as the leader asked me to light a candle and say a reading in front of forty strangers...me...the one who ALWAYS seemed to get picked to do things such as that...courage from within allowed me to carefully light the memory candle and read the paragraphs...without pause or hesitation...without tears, at least until I sat back down in my chair. I was proud that I could do that....and through it all I kept that mantra..."Adam would want me to be strong for him"...and I say that often...and it somehow gives me strength from within...then Ted and I had one on one with the leader...and she told me I had strength...after hearing me talk and telling her how I am coping...and seeing and meeting others...it felt purposeful... fulfilling. I'm not alone....

stages.....

Stages...I remember being in nursing school and learning about many different stages in life...the stages of growth in a pregnancy...that was really neat because during that section of learning, I had Jordan in my belly...and I rotated through OB/GYN and got to cuddle with the babies and grew excited about the birth of my own precious baby...and then I learned of the stages of the life span...but I was young...and that didn't interest me much...then we dove into the stages of death and dying...and that actually was quite interesting even back then...never thinking then, at 19...that years later I would become a Hospice nurse and that stuff...the wealth of interesting knowledge would become things I truly needed to know...and it did...thankfully remembering all the things my instructor drilled into our heads...and then I became a "Ryan's Tree" bereavement volunteer...and it further enhanced how I could help bereaved kids...sadly, to think of their losses, too...devastating...never thinking then that the tables may turn as they have...and I am on the other side of things...trying to see where I fit in the stages of grief...maybe I am more fortunate for knowing more...or experiencing more...or perhaps not knowing all I know would lessen the pains I am feeling??? I no longer wake thinking or hoping this has all been a terrible dream...that realization came awhile ago...and I try not to do things that induce the tears and pain...although I do cry often...I try not to dwell...I have my heart open...to those who aren't afraid to be with me...or cry with me...because my loss....was a significant loss...but the gentle pressure I feel now and then on the small of my back...I feel it's Adam...telling me to hold strong...he wouldn't want us to stop living...he loved us so much...

time..........

Today is a breathtakingly beautiful day....many beautiful days have presented themselves to us lately...when you died Adam, the earth was still cold...frozen and bleak...and as days passed...the changes of Spring have replaced the bluster of winter that passed...flowers have sprung up around the cemetery and there are birds everywhere...the view from which you are buried is spectacular and scenic...it overlooks the entire town since you are situated on the knoll area in the cemetery...it's quiet and serene...Dad and I sit and reflect and feel the Peacefulness around us...calming...the sounds of birds...the rustle of leaves and the soft footprints heard as Hazel trots back and forth around the grounds...although she is not supposed to be in there...no one says anything, in fact...it always seems we're the rare visitors there...we usually have the place to ourselves...Jordan drops by daily, usually on his way home from work...he doesn't say much...his focus is on remembering YOU...and again...we all work through this differently. There is no book or master plan on coping through a loss as significant as this...time...time...time...will it truly ease this pain...my daily prayers reflect on that...not to ever forget our glorious boy...but that time will ease our pain...so our lives can attain some "near" normalcy someday...................

Last night was taco night in our home...and still the friends drop by...it's something that gives me comfort, as I know I cannot have Adam here with me but having those little pieces of him here a source of support...and I get my weekly evaluation from one of the finest here...Corey tells me each week how he visualizes me...week one....he described me as a "shell"...fragile...hollow...looking back, at least as best as I could, I can see where he got that one...and with each of the next six passing weeks, the shell began to fill from within...week two...still zombie-like...functioning but that was all...no spirit...void of emotion...week three and four...sort of the same with some forced smiles and awkward attempts to normalize...week five and six...tearfully accepting...week seven...much stronger...if I can say that...my fate was dealt to me, there was no chance for me to change the outcome...at times I am even angry...never for long...and those who know me well, know I an not an angry person...I am angry that I didn't have that chance to change all of this and that I am left trying to repair lives...many lives affected by a foolish mistake. Lives are different, mainly ours in this home, but many others, too I see. Ted and I set the table at night, and now there's only three place settings...and each night it breaks my heart...I was trying to finish the thank you notes...and for 22 yrs., I would always end each note with Love, the LaRizzio family, Teddy, Lori, Jordan and Adam...only this time it was different...Adam's name is off that list....and it again broke my heart...challenges of trying not to cry too much or upset anyone elses day...people who haven't experienced LOSS like mine think "it's time to move ahead and get over it"...not that anyone has specifically told me that....but over the years I have witnessed this with others...and it always broke my heart as a mom, daughter, wife...to hear others make those remarks...and I'd think, how can they ever move forward. As a nurse, I meet lots of people...and many I took care of in both Hospice and home care...I would hear their stories of loved ones who passed before them...these gentle little ladies...with sorrowful eyes...still missing their child who passed...their spouse who died...and the loving stories they would share...looking back----I am extremely glad that I took the time to listen to their story...and give them an extra hug...there is nothing to say that "rights" any of this...but just "being there" is what Ted and I feel best about. Old friends dropping in...hugs and support...that's what keeps us going...

Dave....(Vook) one of our angels...

Sometimes when you least expect it...something so unexpected happens...and it was that realization we concluded yesterday while talking with a friend of Adam and Jordan's...when our tragedy began...our world felt like it was falling in...and amidst this...an angel found us...one of Jordan and Adam's old pals from high school, a fellow lineman on the football team...a buddy to Adam on power-lifting also...they hadn't really kept up on each other since graduation that well but were always happy to reconnect when they did...upon hearing our dreadful news...Dave (our angel) came immediately to our home and stayed there with us for four days straight providing us with support through the viewing and funeral... It was Dave who made sure the animals got fed, that made sure we ate and drank...answered the door...did the dishes...took out the trash...became the "man" of the house while the real men of the house had been in mourning...in awe we watched as he helped us...wondering why him...why is he helping us like this? Dave talks with us openly and often...how he lost his dad when he was only 9. He lives each day with that ongoing loss...and the emptiness it left with him...He is sorrowful that his dad never came to him in a dream...all these years...and how much he misses him...what a good man he heard he was and from all he could remember at that young age...Ted and I looked at Dave...and said "Your dad was the one who sent you to us"...we truly believe that...and Dave...along with many others (a multitude of angels) will never be forgotten...we are so grateful to those who helped us through this terrible time...Ted, Jordan and I will spend the rest of our lives thankful for the kindness....love....and compassion that so many good people in the community out poured to our family...
p.s. Dear Adam...please send Vook a message from his Dad...we miss you baby...

Angels....

How do parents get through it? Same thing each day...slow mornings filled with tears and as the day progresses...then my mood changes a little bit...Ted's boss pulled him aside yesterday, with teary eyes himself...and said "I don't know how you do it Ted"..."I cannot even imagine what you and Lori are going through"...and I do believe this "feeling" is shared my MANY...and someone again said that same remark to me...today....what choices do we have? Again, it's not what we'd ever imagined...we thought Adam might be mayor of Jim Thorpe someday...we knew he'd outgrow any immaturity and turn into a similar version of Teddy...that's what we thought. We planned on babysitting little Guido or Lilly (those are the names he wanted to name a son or daughter someday)...we thought we'd help him and his wife through their struggles...like Ted's parents helped us...we thought we'd continue to grow as a family in a different way...the years of hard work, rearing them through kindergarten on...seemed a distant memory and the future seemed bright...life is good, that's what I'd remark...never thinking my life would take on a dramatic whirlwind like it did...and I have never felt this sad...this alone...or felt loss this deep before...I have never prayed so hard in life before either...these days my prayers are that Adam will be an Angel...my Angel...to give me hope and Spirit...to continue to pull us through the haze...

Jordan...

I sit and eulogize Adam with each daily post...and I want people who read me to know how important Jordan is...and always will be. The elder son, I depended upon him for many, many reasons...He looked after Adam as a big brother from the time Adam was a small tot, tried setting positive examples, like his fondness for sports...and Jordan was always a good kid...easy going...easy to please...never gave us much trouble at all...he was always happy with simple things...couldn't ask for more, quiet and respectful and reflective...he has such a strong Faith and is committed to God and helping others...I think his mind runs deeper than he verbalizes...I just felt compelled to note him today, and the important role he always played in our home...and how proud we are of him...how hard this must be for him...how much he misses his brother...

I caught "us" smiling yesterday...it felt odd but good...and it was shared with Teddy... I missed seeing his smile...and I miss Jordan's smiles...because he's not smiling much either...Ted and I joined a bereavement support group yesterday...and I made that initial phone call to set things up. On the other end of the phone was such a compassionate lady, I knew almost instantly I would find comfort there because I felt comfort in her voice. She soothed me with her words...you see, she's like me, she can relate like no one else. God knows people try, but unless you've "joined that club that no one else wants to be a member of", then you will never fully understand the pain of a grieving parent. She told me of her son...her loss...and it was very sad like mine. She assured me that I will hear others stories and they are all in mourning, just like us...they all meet to share "how they get through" the days, weeks and months and on with life...and like I have been saying all along, it's not ever going to be the same life...it can't be, God.... how I wish there was a reset button on life, but there isn't. And all I can hope for is that my son is at Peace...and that the time he had with us was good. And I look back and think he was happy...and realize no one ever gets that chance to do or say all of those things YOU truly need to before a loved one passes...because most times...it's sudden and TOO late. I am a Hospice nurse...and I look to the way I treat my patients...remembering always to help them and their loved ones find that "peace and closure" that they need before they pass....and often times they do...so they are truly the luckier ones...for having had that chance to say "I loved you more than you will ever know...." because knowing you're dying allows you that privilege. Adam didn't know he was dying...but I do think Adam knew he was LOVED...so I will hold onto that...

the agony of loss....my sweet Adam....

The agony is so great...and yet I will stand it...had I not loved so very much...I would not hurt so much...but goodness knows I would not want to diminish that precious love by one fraction of an ounce...I will hurt and I will be grateful to the hurt...for it bears witness to the depth of our meanings...and for that I will be eternally grateful....
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

drive.....

......"drive carefully" we'd tell you and your brother...and if you plan on drinking, don't even think of driving...call us...if I had a quarter for each time we'd say that, I could buy something grand...we worried...Ted and I, from the time Jordan got his driver's license.... he was one of the first to get a cell phone...we always needed to be a phone call away...that "safety net"...and it was the same way with Adam...that seemed to be the key thing we focused on...as most parents would agree with me upon reading this...I never thought....ever in any of the wildest dreams...that I would have to say "be careful" don't do hard drugs tonight...it was just one of those things we assumed would never happen...again, naive us... and Ted and I had those talks and up until this devastating ordeal...I think Adam had been truthful...he'd tell me he didn't even like to drink all that much...he enjoyed being the conversationalist at a party...he liked to sit back, smoke cigarettes and talk...his gift of gab made him the "man" he was...at the viewing, a young man came forth to introduce himself to us...I can't even remember his name...I do see his face in my mind...apparently, he met Adam at a random party at Bloom...he said he spent several hours that night talking with our son...never saw him again since that night...which was about 2 yrs. back....imagine....one chance encounter, one time meeting someone and to never see them again but in that short span of time learn to admire someone like that... he added Adam to his Facebook...upon seeing and reading that this magnificent person passed...he traveled from South Jersey to pay his respects...who could imagine? I can honestly say that in my 44 yrs., no one has ever struck me in that way in such a short time frame to respond as that young man did.......and I wonder what their "talk" entailed...the viewing line and mental fog did not allow me to think or further question this fine young guy...but I wonder if Adam somehow affected him in a positive way as I am being told by so many others? Each day when I leave my house...I see the way people look at me...I know they have broken hearts, too...even when I walk...I bump into people who look at me and begin to cry...Adam's old boss, Putz...I keep bumping into him at the train station and he openly cries...telling me Adam was like no other kid he knew...that's all I hear...I never knew of anyone who didn't like my son...Adam bought Putz lottery tickets...he did nice little things like that...God love him...to hear that sort of thing makes me smile...he made the work crew laugh...he planned the summer picnic at the end of their season...he made me buy lamb last year...why on earth would he assign me that? Because that's how Adam was...and I had to go to several stores 'til I found that! The JT Market was not carrying lamb that time of year...but we found it...and he loved it...and we love you, Adam....