well it finally happened...Jordan opened up and shared feelings with me...this poor soul who lost his brother and his best friend held inside of him so many emotions...I felt a sense of soothing with his words...and the sincerity each word spoken...meant the most. He told me of Adam's love and devotion to me, to us, to being a LaRizzio...things I knew in my heart...but felt oh...so much better hearing from him...our loss, shared and deep...our plan...to support the other...our focus...to remember who Adam was...always...Erica came by...it's been over four months since she's been here...her face is a welcoming one...warm eyes...full of love and feelings...she and a few others feel the awkwardness of being "here" in "Adam's home" without Adam....it isn't right...oddly...I understand. When she, or Hontz or Dunbar did come through here, it felt like they were waiting for Adam to come bounding down the steps...and go off with them...gone now is his laughter...no sounds of heavy footsteps bounding down the stairway...lost is the bellow of his voice...the silly things he'd echo...the emptiness that encompasses us...this house.
Erica said if they don't come by here...it's almost like what happened isn't real...and again, I understand that...because I keep his bedroom door closed most of the time, I avoid going through his things...in the beginning, I'd wake up for a moment and think he was still here and that my nightmare was just that...a nightmare. It's amazing what tricks we can teach a mind...but as hard as it is for those closest to him to come here...I felt such Peace within Erica's embrace...and for a time after she left, I felt that warm and comforting pressure on my upper right back...I know it was Adam and I know he wants me to keep his lifelines going...God Bless Erica for her love to my son...her kindness and her family's admiration to him also...it was she...who he loved...beyond words.

Bright Eyes "First Day Of My Life"

This one's for you sweetheart...

the ride....

the ride was long...tearfully painful...as we followed behind the ambulance, no flashing lights...no siren...no Hope. Imagine parents who just found their son and the aftermath that followed within that horrific hour? Retelling that night to a close friend, we both sat in tears upon my recount of the ride to the hospital...no one knew I was a nurse at that time...and the thoughtless actions of the man who drove ahead of us...who hadn't even the thoughts of the broken hearted parents left behind...driving in the distance, knowing Hope was was lost when no signals were alerted...I think back upon my life...as a nurse...and the universal kindness each family deserves...and on the state of the loved ones who lost a child...like us...am I wrong to think his coldness was okay? Was it okay for him to treat us like second class citizens? Through all of this, that is the memory that hurts the most...that was the only time that Adam as well as us...had been "thrown under the bus" for you see, this medic put us into an instant category...little did he know the man that Adam was...but reflection on what anyone deserves...no one deserves that...cold words...icy treatment...no sympathy...part of me "blocked" that out for several months, perhaps because it was just another "hurt" added on top of all the other heartaches...there's so much sadness around us...oftentimes, nothing makes sense...random shootings, horrific accidents, innocent people experiencing terrible things... so undeserving...and we all wonder why? And we see horrible people who commit these heinous crimes live on...and we question justice...we question our Faith...we question God...my love and devotion shall not ever be questioned...part of the reason I started this blog was so Adam wouldn't be remembered in a negative light...His light was way too bright to be forgotten...his magnificence will live on through me...someone told me that I although I received endless sorrow with Adam's loss, I also was "gifted" a power...to help others in my shoes now...a gift i didn't ask for...I always felt I did the best I could to help those in need...I truly did..why me, why my lesson...my Adam? He went on to say I know the right things to say to those in our situation...I'll never say the "wrong things"...maybe in time, these "gifts" will be better understood...Adam was my gift...sadly his light no longer shines brightly around us anymore...but my gift to him...will be to never let the memory of Adam's light diminish...I love you Adam...always and forever....

The blazing sun falls down upon me...it warms me, soothes me, comforts me...inspires my life...
A gentle breeze blows light fresh air into my lungs---I feel alive, I can face life's conquests, the challenges that lie ahead do not seem so tedious now...
Days pass on, but now the sun...my sun...it fades and dims, overtaken by clouds and often turbulent winds, it lacks the glistening luster and magnitude that once amazed and captivated me...
I sense a feeling of coolness...the icy chill sending shivers throughout my body...I am abashed by it's suddenness, Ill-prepared am I for such a change....I long for the warmth of my sun...but as time progresses, I am filled with coldness...I can't feel anything...I have become numb. The snowy crystals surrounding me, mesmerizing me, have set my body into a period of dormancy...
So cold am I...I have forgotten just how wonderful that warmth had once felt...

(life before and life after loss...) by me

Dear Adam....
Last night we walked with Hazel...on that new path I wrote about before and the sky was just showing signs of darkening...and the air had a hint of a breeze...it was sweltering hot earlier so we chose to walk after 8...Jordan came along as well as Adam Mcfarland...and as we walked along, the four of us, if felt like I had "our four" with us, at least for a moment...it made me think of you being alongside of us and perhaps you were...We'd be lost without his kindness...again, another kind heart who sees our pain and keeps us going...gentle pushes forward. Jordan's lost...and empty...as are we, without you here...but we do agree, that without the support of those around us, we'd be steps behind...

late entry today...my mind goes on and on...I think Adam had the depth of my thoughts and his mind ran as deeply as mine...his passions were heartfelt...and he was the thinker I consider myself...It baffles we when I can't figure something out...sometimes something like remembering the lyrics to a song or the name of someone I met...I'll rack my brains until I figure it out...then fade into the calmness of knowing what it was...in life now...I still rack my brains to find solution...but know there is none...or understand what Adam was feeling...inside his head...did he need me? Why hadn't he come to me? He always talked with me...with openness and sincerity...those who knew him...knew how easy he was to say anything to...he understood life...he understood those who others viewed as "misunderstood"...he gave anyone a fair shake...and inwardly....never judging anyone...in the aftermath of what happened to us...I see no one's judged us...at least in a poor light...I think people who knew us...saw how much we loved him...and Jordan...and that we breathed for those boys...yet it somehow wasn't enough. What is enough? Ted and I sat quietly at his grave earlier today, the intense heat beating down on us...tears intermingle with sweat...heads bowed...prayers abound...I asked God again to send me some Peace...some sign that we'll be okay...we do all that we can to be "okay"...and I know as Ted knows, it'll follow us the rest of our lives...death no longer scares us...we know if we live good and keep our beliefs and Faith...we'll join our son one day...it's odd...the things that show us comfort now. The hug of another...the expression of smiles when someone sees us jump over another hurdle...those Hopes of seeing Adam again one day...envisioning his embrace...We'd willingly give up decades of the lives we have remaining to spend just one more day with him...Lord....give us strength to continue to forge ahead...

gratefulness...a heartful of thanks...meaningful and gracious...open heart filled with eternal gratitude...just some of the many ways I remember feeling through the years about the good things that happen in life, the one thing I knew then and continue to know now is that thankfulness is something you need to express and appreciate...part of being thankful is the ability to give back to others...people tell me how kind and thoughtful Adam had been, many more stories of his kind gestures told after he passed...one of mine....was his last Thanksgiving, the feast we enjoyed and how grateful he was for us...his family...I remember him helping me fix a platter for a sick patient of mine who lived outside our town. With love, he added the potatoes...sliced a generous portion of my homemade pumpkin pie and smiled...telling me "he's gonna love your pie"...now those are simply memories...that fellow died shortly afer the Holidays and I never got to know if he enjoyed that pie...Adam loved pumpkin pie...and pumpkin roll...sometimes when someone I know and admired dies now...I think "I hope they're with Adam now...since I can't be...with hope I pray, that Adam always knew how gratfeul I was...that God lent him to be for awhile...my precious son...

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted... but in getting what you already have, which once you've gotten it, you may be smart enough to see it is what you would have wanted all along...I had you...I knew I had the family and life that I was extremely fortunate to have...and I still wonder each day how it's possible to have someone so dear...so loved and treasured taken away in one abrupt moment?
And I see that what happened to me...to us...happens sometimes to others like us, loving parents...something like this makes life look completely differently...it's difficult to watch others stress over small things...grumble over things that are trite...and sit quietly, knowing I never did that...knowing I was pretty lucky and that the problems we ever had were small and fixable...then this happened. This isn't fixable...there's no bandaid to pull together the ripped portion across my heart...there's no pill to take away the sadness that Adam's loss has created...
there's no gift...words or monetary amount that could ease this ache or lessen the heartache...time eases the intensity of the pain...time teaches us control...I can now orchestrate my emotions better...time is also a curse, too...placing distance and space in when I was him last...our last words...the last sounds of his voice...time...is not the enemy I see...time...

Dear Adam...
I went to dinner with your old girlfriend's mom last night...I can only imagine how shocked you would be...but it was a source of comfort. Kayla came to Eggfest, back in March.... and with her was her tearful mother...you see, Paula lost her son Beau just a few months earlier...end of summer...sudden and tragic, just like you. Something pulled us together, to cry together and mourn the losses of our boys...In normal life, you can't keep talking about your love one passed, it's disturbing to the listener...anyone who's lost someone knows from where I speak...but with us, we share the same sorrows and feel the same pains...we cried together...as moms and newly formed friends...things we both learned...we shared...how we're not alone in the ways that we feel...how we'd much rather have people approach us versus not approach us...even if awkardness presents itself, it's better than feeling ignored...how nice hugs feel and no words are needed to convey the love and compassion felt with hugs...the comfort of being able to cry openly with your best friend and realize it's perfectly okay...because as she's crying with you...you know she understands completely...we concluded that we both miss the sound of our son's voices the most...and wish we could have had one more hug...both of us reel in sadness that "we missed something" and that we as loving moms hadn't been able to prevent this horrible tragedy...but through our meeting...we both realized something else...how different we both are...she shared with me a story of someone she knew awhile back who lost a child...and became changed and unstable...remembering that made me reflect on some moms I heard those tales of...and it is scary thought. She felt badly for herself....as though she wasn't grieving enough or sad enough, that she wasn't like that lady she remembers...and she felt guilty when she smiled or had a halfway decent day...and I know i've suppressed smiles and laughs, too...because when you left me Adam, I didn't think I could ever feel a bit of happiness again...but thankfully for moms like Paula and me, we realize the love you and Beau had for us...that your absence wouldn't warrent us to stop life in it's tracks...and seeing each other...eye to eye...we see it's going be okay to smile sometimes...and warmth radiated through us as we embraced...I'm glad I have another new friend...

When your life is filled with the desire to see the holiness in everyday life, something magical happens: Ordinary life becomes extraordinary, and the very process of life begins to nourish your soul....upon reading that and reflecting on last night's walk with Jordan...it made me think deeply upon people in my life who are able to do things like that...people who possess beliefs so strong and Faith so unwavering, that they truly see ordinary life as extraordinary...and it is a rarity. We spoke of Teddy's mom last night and how special she is and always has been...perhaps she's one of those angels on earth and she's part of God's miracle in assisting me then...and now? She was raised by her grandparents...her mother unable to provide care for her...an absent father...and this was 69 yrs. ago...a daughter born with crippling disabilities and a husband who passed from the rages of cancer when she was only 53...never possessing worldly possessions or any form of luck...she has a Faith larger than anyone we know...she's devoted herself to God...and to us...we are what she lived and breathed for...anyone who'd meet her would see her instant smile and happy Spirit and learn of the two grandsons she was Blessed with...look at her now and you see the same lost and empty look you see when you look at me...losing Adam knocked the wind out of she and I...for you see, after handling all of what she did...how can God expect her to handle this one, too? She's left with one grandchild...and I have an only son. The examples she's set for me, for us...we value tremendously...and I see her Faith is still there...but I've never seen her so blue...truly "the Blue Nana"...never had I visualized love that deeply as the love she possessed for Adam and Jordan...when Ted's dad passed...our kids were little...they somehow helped fill the emptiness that his passing created...and Ted's dad made sure he instructed Ann to always rear those grandsons right, and she did, so well with Grace and Love. He knew he was dying...she knew that also and he left us in the most Peaceful fashion, and he passed on sweet memories and more good examples that Teddy and I remember and honor...people who died and were revived sometimes recall "a light" and "being drawn in by a loved one who passed before them"...I pray everyday that it was Teddy's dad that drew Adam to him...and hold steadfast that are are together...I continue to sit with Pop and Adam every single day...I hope I can always observe this ritual...the quiet time of prayer and respect...sitting on Pops stone...thinking of the million things that pass through my mind. Jordan tells me he "sees Adam in a way cooler place"...his body may lie beneath the ground but his Spirit is somewhere extremely special...I want to believe that, too...I want to feel him with us...to think he's around us, missing us...regretful for leaving us in the way that he did...that he sees that we loved him...unbelievably...and I continue to question...will this pain and loss lessen?

The Strokes - You Only Live Once

This song's for you and me...we loved "the Strokes"....

walls...

...so many people told me over the years that we'd been "rich" with love in our hearts and our home...and I'd smile and the inside of me would simply melt as I would think of how happy I was...or the value of worth that that mere statement alone made me feel...yes, we were rich...our home was my palace...I loved the walls that held us from the rain, snow and storms...I loved where we lived because we always had children running in and out our doors...I loved that nothing within these walls was fragile...it's worth meant little...the memories meant everything. I loved how our boys grew to love their home and that the friends they made seemed to always feel right at home here...with us. If these walls could retell tales of past and the years of many little feet passing through and the adventures witnessed...oh the tales we'd hear. For many years, before we bought this house, lived an older couple who had wealth...but no children...upon moving in...the walls had no marks...the carpets...impeccable...they kept the house in tip top shape...Ted would say "we gave it Hell" and laugh...because those many feet...and many pets...and many happy memories we seemed to have swirled in through those doorways wasn't easy on the place...I would take the chaos and confusion anyday...I don't want to ever be in a quiet house...I guess that's why Ted and I treasure those kid's visits so much...we still feel like Adam's "sort of here" when those he loved are...it's an unusual comfort for others to understand...they'd have to crawl inside our hearts to fully comprehend the emptiness this house has felt with his loss...and if these walls could talk...they'd have told me of the dangers pending prior to our loss...but they couldn't...

p.s. Love is the only thing in the world that you have to give away to get back...

My heart broke for Teddy yesterday, the sadness that consumes him...that same sadness that seems to have overtaken anyone with our last name...or anyone who loved our son...but over the week-end, kids continued to trickle in...it's like that almost every week...sometimes daily...and it's a welcomed occurrence...nothing could ever fill the huge void that Adam's absence created but having others here...with the sounds of laughter and chatter...does help. I'm sure there are some...that might drive by our home and see the many cars that still line the side of our street...and wonder...do they mind all that company? Adam's friends still feel comfortable to be here...to be with us...and in some way...pay tribute to our son by remembering us...those he left behind...I continue to read...and pray endless prayers and ask God countless questions...and I sit here perplexed because no question has been answered yet...I guess that's where Faith comes in...it's the fourth month now...and life adaptation is s-l-o-w-l-y in progress...and my life's sequel has begun, and as we all know, the sequel to anything isn't nearly as good as the first...the original...Adam was the original...he was unique, unlike any other. Many of us wrack our brains to figure out if there is anyone even close to his personality...and we all conclude there isn't...or ever will be...

Jack Johnson - banana pancakes

...you downloaded this on my I-Pod...
Since you passed, I've made more pancakes than ever...it's comforting eating them...and thinking of how much you and I enjoyed them...I miss you...I miss making you pancakes...a happy memory for me was making them for you and Dirk...he was so funny...he told me my pancakes where very panny...

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take....but by the moments that take our breath away...the first time I literally remember getting my breath taken away from me was New Year's Eve, 1982 going into the big New Year of 1983....my senior year...my friend Manda hosted a small gathering of school friends at her house in Bear Creek Lakes...somewhere...somehow...Teddy and some of his friends heard about this and sort of crashed the get-together. I remember that night with clarity like no other time before...walking down her stairs and locking eyes with Ted. The feelings that overwhelmed me were like stories from movies I saw...love at first sight...and he felt those same feelings back...it was so obvious and that's when it all started, our legacy...our love and it followed us through the rest of my senior year and into his...and thereafter the story continued...he always made me happy and feel complete, we've had little problems now and then but the level of love are hearts contained always kept us together...I couldn't have even imagined anyone else ever in the world being the father of my children...Ted put his heart and soul into us...our lives...When I had each son, he pushed back tears and bought me roses with each card stating, I love you...thank you for my sons...Ted and me, we loved the fact that we had sons, I loved that they looked like their Dad...we dreamed the dreams that "you who are reading this" dream...that they'd grow up good and kind and find happiness and success...even beyond what we'd attained. We look now at Adam and hope the breaths he took in life had been fulfilling...that his measure of life for his short span of years made him happy...that we did a good job in being the parents we best could be to him. God Bless Teddy today on a day that all fathers are remembered....God Bless him for giving out the last he had...and never complaining...for endless sessions of steering the boys on the right path...for his unselfish nature and unending gift of giving...from heart and hand...may God show Teddy a sign today...a gesture of comfort as his heart aches from Adam's absence...Happy Father's Day Teddy...to the best man I have ever known...to the man who still takes my breath away...

I read another book which was written by a father who lost two sons in tragedy...upon reading his story about his personal losses...I could view him as being very much like Teddy...and me...his book, "When there are No Words" could be seen as a template to those who read it to see what a family such as ours...goes through in this course of sadness. Touched by his compelling recall of his own experience, I Googled him...as I seem to Google everything (Adam would tease me about my Google-habit often)...and I found his site and I wrote to him and within hours, this kind man wrote me back. His words were inspiring and he touched me with the ways he dealt with and accepted the life changes that had been thrust upon him. He sent me a copy of a conference speech he gave...to a group of many bereaved parents...and it all mimicked what I do...and go through...and those things gave some comfort. He also touched upon a topic of personality intensification...as a nurse, we often remark about that with the elderly...how if they are young and miserable...those miserable and crabby traits will intensify further with the aging process and they'll be those "difficult" Grammies and Pappies in the nursing home...shaking their canes at us...and those who are mild and graceful through life, hopefully like I've been...well, we tend to grow old in a nice, graceful manner...and with loss...this same personality intensification can manifest itself...a weak marriage to begin with may fall apart...and those around that couple may view this as the "death" that broke it apart when in actuality, it was weak with cracks and falling apart before hand...I guess when I read that, I knew the "me" I am and the man that Ted is isn't going to change...and that made so much sense to me and gave me hope...that we'll be that couple who survives this...and if more love between us could be fathomable, then it shall be us who takes love to another level...

Dashboard Confessional - Hell On The Throat

Adam...this song is for you...it always reminds me of you...even the vocals mimick your voice...I miss the sound of your voice so much...

sparkle....

...sometimes as I walk alone...my mind travels...to memories of my sons...the fulfillment I received being their mom...the sharing of ideas...thoughts...experiences that we went through...each precious moment tucked inside my memory bank. I learned early on that there would always be dishes that needed to be done...and that could wait...there was always going to be piles to dirty clothing to be laundered...and that too, could wait...and I'd look at the angelic little faces of my boys...and off we'd go and gallivant...that's what they'd call running off to do random things...Teddy and I were only kids when we got married...we had so little money, so an excursion for me and the boys would be picnics in the park...a trip to get ice-cream cones...we'd often get together with my girlfriends from work who also had little kids and they'd think it was a party...we did this before play groups became vogue...we spent more time than any human being possibly could imagine in the little five and ten store in town...with dollar bills, I would buy the boys every single variety of laser gun and later ask Teddy...why did I buy those noisy things as they played with them unendingly...and when summer came about...they immediately started on the quest for fireworks...even as very young boys, they would pest for cap guns and snaps...and for Teddy to set off the bigger things that their little heads viewed as spectacular...Their eyes flickered with magic and delight and everything we did excited them...how can that have all been taken away from us...yes, yes, yes...we have memories...but we wanted so many more...we'd earned that...we'd been good people with the best intentions....always....last night Teddy and I went shopping for groceries...and in one of the aisles was a small package of legal fireworks, sparklers, etc. And his eyes locked with mine...tearful memories of a time we treasured. Even last 4th of July, it was still our Adam throwing wickies off into the alley...he was one of those rare people who still remembered his childhood, treasured it and continued to pass it along...to others who accepted. I miss him...

the summer of "Will"

a gentle breeze blows through my bedroom window, the curtains seem to dance aimlessly with it's action...the noise of children playing outside awakens me...I stir...and I reflect on many warm summer's days past...much like this when Adam and Jordan would be off for the summer...their little heads full of ideas on what they would do each day. One summer, our neighbor boy fell off his bike and fractured his arm...how disappointing...he couldn't swim...or ride his bike...or participate in many activities that all the others could and he'd have been abandoned had it not been for his buddy Adam...this was a summer Adam decided to devote himself to Will...this was also the summer that an unbreakable bond of friendship was formed...a strength of friendship that would carry into adulthood. Adam played video games and watched movies with Will all summer long...fast forward a decade and Adam was with Will a week before he passed...I remember him telling me that Will was home from Philly and they watched their favorite movies in our den...and that he made Will fabulous leftovers they found in our fridge...and how it seemed like old times...and when Adam passed...the first thing he mentioned to me was about that evening in February spent with my son...and how it seemed to be the best time they ever spent together...there was no indication that that would be their last time together as friends...who would ever think that? Ted and I look back and try and see if our paths in parenting had been wrong...yet we see nothing...we see us as parents who loved our kids with every ounce of our being...we opened our hearts and our home to have the kids here under our watchful eyes...be enjoyed being parents who went to every game, party, activity...never feeling we "had to do any of it"...knowing we wanted to do it all...we still visit Adam's grave daily...it's become a ritual...I told Teddy, why wouldn't we keep coming by to let him know he's in every thought?
I miss my son so much...I set aside time each day to cry by myself....the tears flow steadily still...and my heart aches...no one should ever have to feel like this...experience this pain...endure such loss....saddening how this affected so many others who loved Adam...visit his grave and you'll see tokens left almost daily...visit his Facebook and you'll read tearful recollections of the people whose lives he touched...talk with me and you'll recognize love that is unstoppable...
Summertime...Adam's favorite time...

M79-Vampire Weekend

....to Adam, we loved this song so much...it was so different...the violins...the melody...oh how I miss you and your music...

...nothing's the same...last night we made the trek to the NY Yankees Stadium and you should have been there aside of us Adam...truly present as you had been with every other game we'd plan since you'd been little...you had an excitement that few others possessed. A trip like this would have been talked about weeks ahead of time and your enthusiasm would have been abundent...again...for awhile while I sat, staring off at the field from my nose bleed seat...a seat next to me sat vacant...made me wonder if it's another sign? Jordan brought his sadness along with him to last night's game and no one seemed like they wanted to be there...most of all me...my feelings are stablizing but the rush of highs and lows is like nothing anyone can even fathom. Since you passed, I've experienced feelings and emotions that I didn't even realize I had the potential to feel...but they somehow level out...and time continues, like tiny sand pieces dropping from an hour glass...time passes since we lost you....our dear son. Life now is lackluster without your smile...and people...oh the people who continue to miss you as we do....the little signs of those who visit your grave...the flowers...the notes...the tokens left upon your grassy grave...you were surely loved...you surely touched people's lives in ways I am still discovering...and someday...God will allow us to embrace eternally once again...

Led Zeppelin- Stairway To Heaven (STUDIO VERSION HQ)

This is definitely dedicated to Zach and Brenda....please close your eyes, both of you and envision Adam stumming this on his guitar and singing this to you....

...the journey back...felt ....okay....I suppose. Thankfully I work for someone who's like a sister towards me...she held my hand and walked with me along my journey thus far...she never strayed...people who see her and I together and the way we'd interact thought we had been friends forever, but truly we only met about 2 yrs. ago. Funny the way it is...how sometimes you meet someone and you feel so comfortable in their presence, it's almost like you're partners of some kindred spirit...and our friendship and affection was instant...and unique, we make a good pair of friends and I love her for all she does...friendships have always been pretty easy for me...thankfully, I had always loved people and valued those surrounding me. Since Adam passed, I've met even more good people...many who come here to sit and talk with me, to share stories of how they enjoyed time with my son. They continue to come back...and I ponder...this is ME, probably at my worst...I wonder if they think they like me now...boy, would they have liked me then...or is it me, simply being really hard on myself here and now? Am I still the same? I look into the mirror and I see the sadness reflect back off my eyes...the smile lines have dissipated and the laughs are seldom heard...what do they see? It's not pity, I know that...for with pity, revisits would not occur...Peacefulness...a calm I offer to them as they mourn, too? Perhaps they miss their friend so intensely that being with me is like being with Adam in some way...one of Adam's friends, a fellow "Hill Rat" as they'd call themselves, has a mom who I barely knew...she was a few years behind me in high school. I remember her always being friendly and pretty...Zach, her son has a phenomenal smile...very much like Adam's.
Adam's passing affected Zach tremendously and his mom wanted to be there for him...and for us. Brenda went out of her way to support my family in any way she could...doing this helped her son, it helped us and in a way...helped herself. She is one of those people, the rare few, who like me, feel best when helping others. She was a vital force of me floating instead of sinking beneath the murky waters of life...she'd listen to me...she would cry endless tears with me...she somehow, put herself into "my shoes"...and it felt so good to be around her...like I mentioned before, some people didn't know "me" before all of this...yet somehow she tells me I am one of her dearest friends...I could easily spend the rest of my life time trying to equate my actions to those done for me by my new dear friend Brenda...and I will try...but I am thanking God big-time, for the miracle of friendships and love that is allowing us to stay afloat...

Dearest Adam,
I hope you sit beside me today as I journey back to working again...seems like an arduous task, but then again...everything has become a task since you left us...
but perhaps time spent thinking of things other than sadness will help in this healing process...Dad and I are trying our best...some days are easier than others and neither of us can predict how we're going to be the next day, or "moment" at times...we spent a part of late Saturday night in the darkness of the little Irish cemetery...amidst the rain...our feet wet from puddles...the glow of the iridescent luminaries that surround your grave site...ten p.m. Most others would be watching a movie rental or somewhere with a cocktail in their hand, not us... we stand vigil at your grave...with tears and prayers...then Sunday came and things grew calmer...and it was a better day...today is Monday...a new day into a new week...new beginnings?
I doubt that...but maybe some continued comfort...I love you Adam...always and forever...

"We make a living by what we get.... We make a life by what we give"

are we there yet?

...tomorrow is my time to return to what I did....before you passed. I'm going to attempt to ease back into Hospice and I know it won't be an easy task but it's something I have to try...people have been kind to me, to us...and out of fairness to them and to myself, I must see if this is what's meant to be...to try and reclaim what you knew I did well...you watched me blossom as I went into that role and we'd often talk about the gratification it provided me...you were supposed to volunteer with me...eventually...but that never transpired...I remember your interest in the things I would talk about...how life can be short...how lives change in an instant...how cancer and end stage illnesses rob us of senses and time...but that a role like mine allows someone like me...to walk alongside the patient and family through their final journey in life...never would I imagine it would be us...your family that would be walking on a path such as this...a road that has been broken up...rocky and curving with hills and treacherous declines...each day the road we travel, your Dad, Jordan and me...is a cumbersome task...we hold steady on the wheel...and follow this unplanned journey to someplace called recovery...it's so far in the distance...some days I feel like a child wanting to know "are we there yet"....but nothing will help us get there any quicker...than time...healing...and Faith...God Bless us...the ones who are left in the distance...that we may heal someday...

....almost approaching us is the forth month, without you...so difficult to believe...waking each day with our first thoughts of you and going to sleep each evening with you in our minds, as we try and drift off to sleep...your friends still trickle through our home...almost daily, last evening it was Dunbar (King Dunbar) as you'd call him...he seems lost here without you...the absence is so apparent...it's such a strange feeling to see him come here without you and your silly remarks that you could bounce off each other...he told me something that made think long...and deeply...we spoke of you and the dare devil you could be...he told me "you were the gas...and he was the brakes"...you live each day with your foot on the accelerator...I'm not even sure if you looked in the rearview mirrow...live fast was your motto...oh if you only knew what effect your loss has placed upon all of those who loved you...me, I live with my foot on the brakes...actually...I think I ride the brakes...always have and I think they are many other like me...you were the rare one...now you're riding on clouds.....

Dearest Adam...
Yesterday was a warm and sunny day...I sat out on our deck and chatted with an friend of yours sharing stories of the times we both remember fondly. I didn't cry much because when I think of happy times, it makes me smile a little...reflecting back on you...and the fun you'd share...the silly things you'd say and do...my love for you has always ran so deeply and I know it always will...

I worked with a doctor not far back..his intelligence and demeanor seemed frightfully intimidating at first...but within weeks into months I saw a softening of his initial appearance that I had took into view and consideration...he mentioned to a co-worker that I was a nurse who saw the "glass half full"...not much more was mentioned but that statement alone meant an immeasurable amount of meaning to me...I knew what he meant by that...I could see how he watched me as I'd talk passionately about the people I met, those who I provided care for...the light I'd somehow see in the distance...far, far ahead of me that perhaps others couldn't even squint to visualize...what I grew to learn was that his cup was as filled as mine...and last night I started a book..."When Bad Things Happen to Good People"...yes, I knew I needed to read that....the title alone is an attention grabber for some people like us, Teddy and me and Jordan, hey, we're good people...why did this happen to us? The rabbi who wrote this sounds like he shares my heart and feelings...I'm obviously not through with the book yet, I fell asleep with the pages open and lying across my chest...but what I did read must have comforted me to sleep...followed by lovely dreams of Adam. He looked just like any other day...handsome and fresh in a pair of cargo shorts with a tee and basketball jersey over it...and he was so happy to see me...I could see how much he loved me in his blue eyes and his amazing smile...he "lit" up as we walked together and Jordan walked alonside as he told us of Heaven. He seemed happy...he told me wished he was still with me though, perhaps because I needed to hear that as his mom...and then I woke up. But I kept thinking about people like us...me, the rabbi...the doctor...are we all people who live in that small grouping of people who see "glass half full"? Life needs to go on...even when horrific things occur...and it's sheer and utter turmoil to accept our fate that was handed to us without a say in the matter...but perhaps we...with our glasses filled higher than others...perhaps we have abounding Faith...or miraculous people around us who lift us? Or like me, have both? I see that God's miracle wasn't saving Adam...but maybe the miracle was the love that surfaced all around us...my husband, who was the rock in our home...that people who we never knew became our most solid friends...miraculous...

In a quiet little cemetery
Where the gentle breezes blow
Lies my son I love so dearly;
He died only months ago.
His resting place I visit
Placing flowers there with care
But no one knows my heartache
When I turn to leave them there.
Though his smile is gone forever
And his hands I cannot touch
Still I have so many memories
Of the son I loved so much.
His memory is my keepsake
With which I will never part.
God has him in His keeping;
I have him in my heart.

Often healing takes place in ourselves as we pray for the healing of others.
Isn't that such a deep and meaningful quote? That's how we're supposed to live life...and often times, our busy lives make us forget doing just that...
in my recovery, I've tried to heal through others...and perhaps by setting my misery aside...even briefly for a moment, helps me help someone else and in essence, helps ease my own pain. Could healing progress without Faith...Jordan and I spoke about that last night as we walked along a new path and shared thoughts...he told me he was mad...actually angry, as I was, at God initially after Adam passed, but if was a brief and almost anticipatory response...but within days, he, like me, saw that this was no act of God against us.
Life had always been good for us, for our family. Ceasing Faith would never allow us to believe again or see good things in the horizon...I'm thankful he has strong Faith, at his young age he could easily hold onto bitterness...but has chosen not to...it'll never be easy and we'll continue to carry our heavy crosses...but having him here with me and feel the same emotions and Spirit, helped make my cross a bit easier to support. I am thankful...for Jordan...his unending love...Spirit and direction...

Gratful Dead - Sugar Magnolia

This was Adam's favorite Grateful Dead song...he would blast this all of the time...
good times...

Life...part two...
Next week I am going back to work...it'll seem strange I'm sure but it might be the best thing for me right now. I've never had extended time off...in fact, the most time I was ever away from my nursing career was was I had my children...and I think that was only a matter of 4-6 weeks. I'm not even trying to guess what I will feel or how I will cope...I just want to see...and try....without expectations. My job is unique in nature to begin with coupled with the recent and intense sadness that I endured...well, it's a coin-toss of what I will feel but perhaps I'll be that rarity that finds comfort once again in something like Hospice. I remember my decision to give Hospice a try, almost two years back...not one person I spoke with disagreed with my decision, in fact, so many told me they couldn't imagine anyone else better suited. Endless empathy and years of sympathetic nursing care helped me evolve into a mature and Peaceful nurse...and death had never scared me...so helping others at this time...the end of life came naturally for me. Ted used to tell me I had a rare gift...a gift I needed to share...so we'll see, I'm not afraid to try...

Just Breathe - Pearl Jam

Ted and I listen to this song so often...it reminds us of the way Adam lived his life...his many friends...the life he loved...the people whose lives his laughter and smiles touched...reminds you of how short life can be...how things can change in a second...the sadness that lies all around us...and a rare person like Adam that could light up a room wih one of those smiles...seems like lights went out when Adam passed away...

Dear Adam...
I read somewhere that if you want someone to live on...you have to live part of your life for that person...perhaps by living out some of the dreams that your shortened lifetime didn't allow you to live through...I only wish I had a list of things you'd want me to do...from the beginning of when you passed...each thing I did, I pondered seriously before saying...doing...or agreeing upon, because every decision made was based on what I thought you'd have wanted...tough decisions that no young mother should ever have had to even think about...living through me...little pieces of you...sometimes I still read your Facebook pages and see the letters and poems of people whose lives you touched wrote to you...and I am still amazed...I wonder how you could be gone...taken away...and again I asked your dad...why would God allow this to happen to us? We were such good parents...and Ted looked at me and said...this is where God had no control...we'd be two people he'd never want to see stop being your parents...and when my brother died, my brother-in-law Roger told me something that seemed to be the only thing back then that made any sense at all...that God didn't call my brother....but when he took his own life...God welcomed him anyway...and I know God didn't call to Adam, it was a misuse of the free will we're allowed...but he, too...welcomed you, my son into his gates..and it's difficult...even the easy things we used to do...like going to Brian's graduation party yesterday...the place was filled with laughter...and so many people...it almost overwhelmed me initially...but with Dad holding my hand...we stayed awhile...I see how others look at me, with sad eyes...the mothers who couldn't even imagine for one moment how broken my heart must be...but another day awaits us...and time lies ahead...and Hope to live out some of your dreams...

Bright Eyes - First Day Of My Life - Lyrics

This is the song that Adam and I loved...we used to call it our song...he'd sing it to me and make me cry...it was a song we discovered when he went off to KU (2006)...I thought I would literally not be able to tolerate him going off to college...and especially with Jordan there, too...my house was going to empty...and now there is an emptiness beyond any words....Adam, this song's for you...and me

I started posting music lately, Dad and I came across all of your musical downloads and it's amazing...and each song is reminiscent of a different memory of you and the times you went through that genre of music...I can't help but remember everything you loved...it was easy to believe in what you felt passionately about...and I am truly grateful that you opened my heart to your sounds...your music...your voice...the strums of your guitar strings and the sounds that would reverberate forth...Joyous and Peaceful...and one of our last times together, it was you who played our song...for me, on your acoustic guitar...and then that hug...my last hug...I love you Adam...always and forever...

When I See You Smile

smiles....

...entering the 15th week...in some ways, adaptation is easier...clearer minds...less careless actions...most of our senses have been regained...like taste...food begins to taste pleasurable again...our sense of hearing...we listen more when others speak now...our eyes...have begun to gain clarity...our touch...those warm embraces never felt any better...I tend to linger long when wrapped in one...the warmth I feel with each hug received feels like Adam's arms encircling me...and if I close my eyes...I can almost imagine it's he who is holding me tightly...especially if it's one of his friends...but our hearts still feel empty...and sore...little pains that twinge with each thought...each memory...
sometimes people ask me "are you doing better, or do you feel worse?"...and to those who truly never experienced such loss...it must be difficult to watch their friend go through this vicious cycle of emotional turmoil...but it's a pattern...and as others who have gone through similar circumstances tell us it's normal...to feel like this and to have good and bad moments. Ted never realized just how much I smiled...until I stopped smiling...and otherwise normal-looking appearance I have thankfully regained...without that blockbuster smile...my smile...was like Adam's smile...a constant thing I wore...his friends would often joke that they'd see me out walking and I'd be smiling...yes, i do remember that. I guess my smiles had been reflective of how I felt at the time...or what I was thinking about on those walks...and yes, I smiled often because I was so happy...my mantra "Life is good"...
can "life be good again?"...we'll see...I hope so...when I have an unhappy thought...I think of Adam's smile...and somehow it helps lift me from the darkness...

The White Stripes - My Doorbell

The Raconteurs "Steady, As She Goes"

true love....

this is what true love looks like...this picture is one I posted last night on Facebook, Ted stumbled across it yesterday, while rediscovering memories of Adam...we'd been on vacation a few yrs. back.... in North Carolina...happy times...wonderful vacation with my boys...Adam was walking at night with us around the docks and told us to pose for a picture...little did we know then that this would become our favorite "us" picture. If you look well into that photo...love exudes everywhere...I love Ted...he completely fills every space within my heart...our love was so strong that having our two sons completed us. Every day since Adam passed...we sit and hold each other...tearful and questioning what happened? No one has answers...and we all continue to mourn his absence...
When tragedy like this strikes, you want to literally lay down and die...But for the sake of the family that remains, a person must live on...I couldn't die....for Teddy or Jordan were still here,...so someone like me, had to live on and try and put life back together, like a puzzle with missing pieces...I spend every waking moment trying to piece together that puzzle...and it's not together yet...but I won't throw it away...that broken down puzzle...somehow....someday it'll be back together with some "empty" spots...but it'll be back together...somehow

Dearest Adam, here is a poem sent to me from your friend Katarina....
it's such a lovely one....

When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do,
You mustn’t tie yourself to me with too many tears,
But be thankful we had so many good years.
I gave you my love, and you can only guess
How much you’ve given me in happiness.
I thank you for the love that you have shown,
But now it is time I traveled on alone.
So grieve for me a while, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust
That it is only for a while that we must part,
So treasure the memories within your heart.
I won’t be far away for life goes on.
And if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can’t see or touch me, I will be near
And if you listen with your heart, you’ll hear
All my love around you soft and clear
And then, when you come this way alone,
I’ll greet you with a smile and a “Welcome Home

a work in progress....

.....whenever I needed to unwind in the past, I'd find comfort in making soup...I've done that for years...I cannot even begin to imagine how much soup I've cooked over the past two decades...or how many different types I would prepare...it had a cathartic effect on releasing my stress...through the years of soup making, I saw my simple creations to be not only relaxing to me.... but a gift of sharing...many jars shared with sick friends or older patients...a token of thoughtfulness to a kind co-worker...soup is a healing potion...warm and tasty liquid embellished with many different tasty add ins...yes, I've even been referred to as "The Soup Nazi"... Jordan and Adam would smile as they'd call me that for you see, they, too loved my soups...and they'd tell me I should run a soup kitchen and sell my soups like the "Soup Nazi" did on Seinfeld...his soup was so phenomenal that customers had to line up and order a specific way or not be served...and of course, the Seinfeld cast failed miserably with their ordering sequence...ahhh....to hear Adam call me that one more time in the most loving and fun natured way followed with the old cliche "no soup for you!".... He and Jordan would sample every soup I'd make...and they'd critique me, too... they'd grow annoyed when I'd hit on an awesome pot of soup and failed to write down the specifics of what I truly added into it...because the next time I make it....it might not taste exactly the same...I was always a work in progress...with my soups...in life...and before Adam passed...I made many pots of soups and froze them for the rest of winter...many made for my mother, as she healed from her knee surgery...but shelves in my freezer filled with soups that I would eat when nothing else tasted right...who knew then that those soups would "feed" me physically and emotionally...soup for the sick...for the weary...and for those who are saddened...

happy...I miss feeling truly happy...some tell me I will feel this emotion again someday, but this unknowing feeling...the uncertainty of when I will feel it again...and have to remain patient until it presents itself to us...I've never seen Ted so blue...he puts on his pretend face daily...goes into work and is surrounded by faces that smile pleasantly at him...many still don't know what to say...I don't know what to say...he(Adam)made me happy...his joy filled my heart...Jordan's love and laughter filled my soul, but his heart is tattered...the only person in this world right now who understand my pain inside...is Teddy. We share the same pain...the same emotions...this terrible tragedy affected us the most...as we being his parents...imagine losing a child...you can't. Before Adam passed...we never even thought about something like that...we dreamed we'd have our boys forever...that our lives would continue to evolve as we aged...and the love we grew over the years would grow even bigger...even better...and I reflect on what I thought was important before and what is important now...and there have been changes. No longer does other people's negatism mean anything to me...I could easily walk away from negativity that unhappy people project...me...I will continue with patience on my quest to regain happiness...not to bring anyone down with me...but open to allow others to lift me up...
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Going through what we are...these tremendously difficult times...we've learned to always keep the door to our heart unlocked...in fact it's always open so people can walk in and out and see where we are at...people going through loss should always keep their heart's door or window open...or the shade up....at least a bit, so people who love you can see inside and help you through the pain.

Faith....

Another page turned on my calendar today...the hands of time continue to move ahead...time passes...new days continue to present themselves to us...and each ongoing day brings glimmers of Hope along with it...as we continue to cling tightly to our Faith...trying to always remember that intense grief doesn't last forever. One of my favorite sayings goes "Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present". Keep the faith that you will one day heal and be whole again...however, as a mother who lost her son...there will always be a "hole" inside my heart...Adam had a friend, Josh...whose mother wrapped a gift for me...and left it in my mailbox, shortly after Adam passed...a pretty little package and within it's velvety box was a little silver heart with a small open area in the middle...it's a mother's wounded heart...the hole represents Adam's absence from my life...the story of this special heart is that when God calls me and we're together in Heaven...the hole will fill to completion...I've never taken that necklace off...it lies close to my heart at all times...and Josh...Adam's dear friend...he'll be back home in Jim Thorpe soon...he was away in the service when Adam passed away...my mind being clear now...I realize how difficult it must have been to even get that permission to come home for something like this...the death of a friend...but he did...and he's amazing...as is his family...they, like many others... continue to hold Faith for us...
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Now we have a choice—to implode and disintegrate emotionally and spiritually or to become stronger…to rebuild on a solid foundation….....