February 12th....2007, right before Valentine's Day...I remember that day well...I got paged to the phone while I was at work...on the other end of the phone was my husband...frantic tone in his voice...nervous and shaking..."You need to come home, it's your brother, they found him...he's dead, baby"...auto pilot kicked in and I somehow...drove to my parents to learn more about the saddening facts that surrounded Spinner's death...he suffered from major depression for YEARS...and he even attempted suicide a few times prior...as some would call it...an attention or cry for help...and he seemed to get through it, before...not this time, he must have really felt the need to end it all...the maddening pain that lived inside his head...and the hollowing feelings my family endured...each one of us suffered our own little Hell...me, I felt guilty for always being busy...perhaps I should have been there at his side more? Our family wasn't a close knit family...I wish I could say we were, not that we had a bad or dyfunctional family, it simply wasn't all warm and fuzzy...my sister left after high school, at 17 she never came back except on family visits now and then...and my two troubled brothers...both had drug and alcohol issues that haunted them...thankfully, one got better...but Spinner...he had the saddest heart ever...and no one or nothing could bring him up...and through my sadness back then...was Adam. He was the one who sat with me late into the night...reassuring me that IT wasn't me or my fault. Spinner was sad...so sad and his depression was the cause...and Adam understood my pain when no one else did. And I loved him so much for the role he played in bringing me back to good...and he made me a "mix" for my Ipod with all of Spinner's favorite songs and when I would walk...I would listen to those songs and it helped me move through it...on one of those walks, listening to a Rolling Stones song, one bird followed me for more than a mile above my head...and to this day I swear it was sign from Spinner...and with losses like this...I wonder, why? Why me? Why our family, the torture of reliving these feelings day in and day out. The family I loved MOST was easily the one Ted and I created...we sit at night with clearer thoughts...even able to watch t.v. now with some mild concentration...but somehow our hands find each others and we hold them tightly...I know what he's thinking...it's the same thoughts I feel...