Peace.....

Mornings...they're so difficult...coffee...thoughts...tears...blogging...I receive little notes and messages daily about my blog now, and some people who consider themselves strangers to me, somehow found me and began to read about my story...and my travel through this terrible ordeal...and they tell me how it strengthens their own family and relationships...hearing of mine...I guess my portrayal of our life now, without Adam makes them realize how short life can be...the quote you never know when it's your last day...hit home hard with us...don't take anything for granted...always tell people how you feel before it's too late...yada...yada...yada...yes, we lived that life...and yes, this still occurred to our little family. Someone else remarked that it's a heavy cross I now must bear as a bereaved parent...that load is an unbelievable weight...the pressure it exerts on me is intense...but I will bear it...I would bear anything for my child...and as I look back, I see that Ted and I truly did that...perhaps too much at times...but being so YOUNG when we had them, we did what we thought we the best...and to us, that was doing ALL that we could...always...and with no regrets I tell that Ted and I willingly became class parents, prom and dance chaperone's, Touchdown Club committee members...I loved being "those" parents...it was fulfilling...and there was not a single kid who embraced that more than my Adam. I remember helping at the snack stand at the little league games...and he'd rally all his friends over to my section of the stand, professing that it was his mom who made the best cheesy fries...then, on our Thursday Night football meals...again, he's bring his pals to "His mom" because I served the heartiest portions...it was always like this...for some reason, he was that kid who really liked ME...he enjoyed me, wasn't annoyed or embarrassed by me, ever....if I'd walk through the halls of Jim Thorpe High, he'd be the one to run over with hugs. SO you see, it's all of that I will miss...although I am forever grateful to have known that...Adam was a special person...we all see that...we all knew that...no one is like him....last night, me and Boo...we talked about that again...as we so often do....is there anyone else even close to the personality-type like Adam? God knows he wasn't perfect, but he had so MANY layers...I liked to think he was multi-faceted...Boo told me that Adam was so proud that I was a Hospice nurse....of course, I knew that, too. He was proud when I was a hospital nurse, also... He simply was proud of me...Imagine that.....And I would have done ANYTHING for him...because I was equally as proud...and I wonder...did he not tell me he needed my help because he was too proud himself? Did he feel he'd disappoint me...I would have walked through fire for either one of my beautiful sons............but thankfully, I think I am going to go on...never in the way that it was before...but because I LOVE ADAM so much, I wouldn't want to "Not get better"....his pain of the changes his death has caused is burnished in my mind and heart...that soft and gentle pressure on the small of my back is still felt frequently as I type...I want to believe he reads my words...hears my prayers and sees my tears...and that his greatest wish is that I find some sort of Peace...and a tremendous part of finding that Peace is to never forget...to honor his Memory...and in that way, his legend may go on forever...God Bless you my dear son...