stages.....

Stages...I remember being in nursing school and learning about many different stages in life...the stages of growth in a pregnancy...that was really neat because during that section of learning, I had Jordan in my belly...and I rotated through OB/GYN and got to cuddle with the babies and grew excited about the birth of my own precious baby...and then I learned of the stages of the life span...but I was young...and that didn't interest me much...then we dove into the stages of death and dying...and that actually was quite interesting even back then...never thinking then, at 19...that years later I would become a Hospice nurse and that stuff...the wealth of interesting knowledge would become things I truly needed to know...and it did...thankfully remembering all the things my instructor drilled into our heads...and then I became a "Ryan's Tree" bereavement volunteer...and it further enhanced how I could help bereaved kids...sadly, to think of their losses, too...devastating...never thinking then that the tables may turn as they have...and I am on the other side of things...trying to see where I fit in the stages of grief...maybe I am more fortunate for knowing more...or experiencing more...or perhaps not knowing all I know would lessen the pains I am feeling??? I no longer wake thinking or hoping this has all been a terrible dream...that realization came awhile ago...and I try not to do things that induce the tears and pain...although I do cry often...I try not to dwell...I have my heart open...to those who aren't afraid to be with me...or cry with me...because my loss....was a significant loss...but the gentle pressure I feel now and then on the small of my back...I feel it's Adam...telling me to hold strong...he wouldn't want us to stop living...he loved us so much...