courage...to push on

9 1/2 weeks since my son left us...and that hollow void remains...days continue filled with sadness and feelings of loss...the loss of laughter...the loss of joy...I sometimes wonder, will I ever feel happy again? Smiles...once a frequent thing surrounding us, is seldom seen....courage...another thing that I once felt filled with...is also lost....that spirit that at one time enabled me to be brave as a mother...that filled me once with fortitude....to face risks and uncertainty is absent now...I ponder on how others have moved through this...people who know me...and who knew "me"...as I had been since I was a little girl, tell me I will....eventually "move through this"....that it takes time and patience...I've been a patient soul my whole life...and again, I wonder...why me...why us...why Adam? I know he's gone...I know the stages...and I've accepted our fate from the beginning, because it was I who had the first realization...that Adam passed...and for weeks that followed, I did exactly what I was supposed to do as the bereaved mother...perhaps the endless tears I shed is the entrance into yet another stage...Mothers who lost children years ago...how did they manage? My friend Kathy and I spoke of this several times...her mother and her mother in law both lost sons at young ages in tragic accidents...and back then...in the 60's and 70's...there wasn't the grief support groups or counseling there is now...I asked her what they did to pass through this...she told me they would talk it out...sounds like good advice...and I've been trying...and people have been patient. I worry sometimes that my "talking" might depress others...but when I do talk about Adam...it does lift my spirit. I need some courage...I need more strength...I need a spiritual push to move me through this rough patch...and in words to myself I say:

Don't you think this is meant to be....

Obviously, you have so many things to do still....

So many wonderful things to see....so many beautiful people to find...

There is always going to be some darkness in your shadow....and it's okay to keep and eye on it...

But up until now...the sun has been shining on your back....

Don't you think you should turn around?

I still see the sun, I still feel it's warmth on my face...when I look to the sky at night, I can still see the stars in the blanket of the night...I still feel warmth in my heart....I never stopped caring about others...so pieces of me remain alive....I need that inner flame rekindled...I need to follow my own advice....courage....courage....courage....