normal?

Me, the nurse I am.... and the sort of person that I am...when I question something, I look up the answers...not afraid of doing a little research so I can understand it...although this one has me lost...forever....I did lots of reading on bereavement and loss...and "how to cope" the best one can....and the realization that "normal" for me, will never be the same...how can it? Normal for me was life with my family and our family included Adam, he was a VITAL part of life at the LaRizzio household....his laughter filled every space...I dreamt of him last night....finally, although the dream wasn't for me, I see it as a message to Jordan...I, in the dream, was sitting on the stoop step of our den...and Adam, as I saw him sooo many times before was hovered over the computer in the broken down computer chair...pouring over his downloaded music. He was crying...his hair disheveled, he had on a white tee and his zip down hoodie....he shook his head and placed his hands in his hair, almost like that frustrated thing we do...and said "I'm sick of hearing everyone elses music, I just wanna hear Jordan's"...."I'm tired of William's music"...he even said William's name to me....I don't understand it fully...but Ted thinks the inner meaning is he simply misses Jordan...and I know that's true...Jordan walked away when I was telling him that dream, not to be mean towards me, but it probably made him even sadder...I woke up and started crying again...what is normal after a child dies? Nothing....you must rebuild your new normal....the saddening stories I read state: Normal now is trying to decide what to take to the cemetary for birthdays, Holidays, occasions....normal now is not sleeping well...because of the thousands of "what if's" flowing through your mind constantly...normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to your loss....unless they, too have lost a child, because nothing else compares...the lists go on and on...and we, the grieving parents swim in a sea of sadness...we either learn to float or allow ourselves to "drown".......me, I honestly never learned how to swim, even as a child...since this event, my floating has been supported by those who throw buoys to me....those who are teaching me "how to stay afloat"....sometimes I feel myself sinking.....but when I do, I somehow paddle my way back, to the top of that sea....and hold on.....