Meaningless...without direction or purpose...unfulfilling...that's sort of how I was describing the way I felt over the past two months...and perhaps hitting today's date, April 20th, officially 2 months since Adam's passing...it may be the cause of feeling that "meaningless emotion" even more so since last evening...but my mind works differently than most...I analyze everything...and critique my own thoughts...correcting myself immediately thinking...how can I see life as meaningless...yes...a HUGE portion of my heart was literally ripped from my chest two months ago and infinite sadness follows me wherever I go...but meaningless...continuing to feel that way would be cruel...not only to myself but to those who love me...they look at me with meaningfulness...purpose...meaningfulness to me is hugely fulfilled by "me" helping others...and I've begun to do that today...actually....looking back...my journey for "meaning" and "purpose" again started a month ago when I baked a cake for a friend who lost a friend...every time I feel someone elses loss...I completely understand...I think I always have...to a high degree...but through this...that level is even deeper...and Ted and I discovered that people are kind...so many others think the world is bleak...and that they are alone...I never felt more cared about than I did in the past eight weeks...and it was the first time for me being on the other side of the fence...it felt odd to "need" so much...but without the meaningfulness that surrounded us...we wouldn't be this far...God Bless my family and friends...and to the many new friends who encompassed our lives...we are forever grateful....
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