Thursday morning....almost 4 weeks now....tomorrow night is always the most difficult night of the week for me, I think about Fridays...end of the week, in the past, always thought "TGIF" as it signaled an end to a usually busy week with hopes of a relaxing week-end ahead...but Friday, Feb. 19th...I went to bed as I normally would and even thought of calling you earlier that evening...but I didn't because I normally didn't get services while you're at Split Rock...but I thought about you....I called the dentist that morning as you needed that tooth looked at...as you asked me to...nothing was different...seemed like a regular day and night....dad told me he made you pancakes that morning and that you had been talkative and in a good mood....sadly, I didn't get to see you that day...my schedule was busy...I got home late (6 p.m.)...worked on my computer putting in my days work from my Hospice visits...made some ravioli, set some aside for you and Jordan and went off to bed around ten thirty....heard your car pull in after midnight...heard the gravel as you parked....heard your car door...those were the last sounds I heard of you....no good-bye....no call for help....just the call of desperation from your brother who found you in that state that no one ever would wish to see or hear about...I pray everyday that PEACE is with you...and that you will allow me some PEACE ahead....I wish that God's holding your hand right now....and that you're surrounded by the most spectacular audience ever...that you can sing and play guitar up there...that your smile is a major part of why the sun shines and why the stars sparkle at night...I see you in my everyday....a beautiful bird...a babbling brook.....the sweet sounds of spring appearing...a ladybug landing on my arm...my parents went with me today to visit you....could you feel our presense? Pop Helmer really cried...he wished that he could take your place....and we know it doesn't work that way....he's 83 now...and knowing you're up there....he's no longer afraid of death....he welcomes it now so he can join you in eternity...promising me that's the first thing he'll do when he enters those Pearly Gates...run to you for me...God Bless him....it's exactly was I would want....