The house is quiet anymore...the laughter you bestoyed is gone....you...being gone left a hollowness within...I'm missing the chaos...but feel comfort in those who you loved still dropping in...it feels like "you" when they do...and I do see your face sometimes...like Saturday night in church...just little flashes of remembrances....and always with a smile...perhaps it's God's way of showing me you're happy again...and waiting patiently for me....when I am needed there...but those happy expressions I see daily....give me comfort...and my dreams are still jumbles yet...no visits like I would have expected...or come to expect like the things you see in movies...maybe it doesn't work that way...maybe you speak to me in the daily things I do...or the changes I feel...like being pulled out of that fog...the clarity of things...the realization that this nightmare must begin to end...and that I cannot continue reeling this way...I do feel you pulling me through...and even though I still have terrible dreams....pleasant ones await me...I will someday sleep with dreams of us...and the wonderful times we shared...and maybe then you'll come to me with more...and maybe then some questions will be answered...or maybe not....but Dad and I know we may never know....and this isn't CSI....and we've received hundreds of different viewpoints from so many people....and we both agreed last night...that the not fully knowing is enough...at least for now....and my dream last night...maybe I dreamt it because Julie said some things...like never wanting people involved in drugs EVER in her home again....me, too....or how your Dad said he heard heavy footsteps on the stairs the night you died...he woke up and said "Adam! Not so loud, you woke us up", but it wasn't Adam, it was Jordan and his steps had been loud and urgent...for our help...but this dream held loud footsteps again...and Jordan's voice...and more loud footsteps down into our reckroom where Jordan had a random-faced drug dealer pinned against the paneled wall...and Ted drew his strong arm back to swing...and I woke up with fright....but I pulled it together...it was....afterall....a dream....