Endless Tears

March 7th...15 days since you left us here...this morning, as with all mornings.... was incredibly difficult. I cry so much, I wonder how many tears one's eyes can create...I see you in everything around me...the pictures, the memories, the stories...you'd smile to see all those around here telling tales of you...you who seemed to live 44 yrs. in your 22 yr. old life...the people you touched, the smiles that you shared...I try and look for reasons still....yet I find none....I pray for you to come visit me at night in my dreams....Father Chizmar told me you would...that you would give me some peacefulness while I slumber...and I anxiously await that visit. I do dream about you...but it's all jumbles of dreams...no clarity, although there seems to be no clarity in anything anymore. Dad and I hold each other as we weep...we hold steadfast that you knew the love we held for you and your brother....it's hard for him, also. He looks so sad...his best friend is in Heaven now. I am sure, as others reassure me, that you're with Pop, and your aunts and uncles and other grandparents...that you're probably playing guitar with Johnny Cash....knowing you, it seems pretty real...I hope when my lips...the first lips and the last lips to touch yours beginning and end of life...that you felt my love radiate into you....my beautiful son....I will always LOVE you....please give me some sign, some Peace, some way to let me know that you're okay...I will talk to you everyday and value that God Blessed me with a wonderful son...and he needed you more than we on earth are able to understand....an old friend from high school dropped by yesterday, we used to have fun in English...she knew I was in awe of your dad, even back then...she said she remembered my earnest desire was to marry Teddy and have kids...boy was she sure right...that's all that ever truly mattered with me....no more Lori Helmer....it all became becoming Teddy's wife....Jordan and Adam's Mom....the best role I could have ever yearned for...