Jordan's pain....

Pain...we all have it...we all feel it...so many different types of pain...we rate it...we treat it...and it does lessen...as I see from my own perspective, although the pain I feel is like no other. The initial pain I felt was utterly heartwrenching, crushing, almost sufficating pain...coupled with fear...anxiety and woe...covered in a web of numbness that prevents you from absorbing all of it at once...and as time passes...the pain changes...the breaths are easier taken...the tears somehow lessen and although my heart is so very sore, that stabbing that was once there has been lightened...and sadness...I have never been sad before this, and now I am utterly saddened...I reflect on my life, I was always a happy person, sometimes I think back that my "happy" nature may have even annoyed some people...I never remember being sad...not that Ted and I didn't have our times of difficulty, but all in all...I was always happy. My happiness revolved around motherhood and being a wife...I afterall was lucky, I was Blessed to be Teddy's wife and Jordan and Adam's mom...that was a delight. I was always satisfied, too. It never mattered that my house was sort of cluttered...or that all the kids that hung there made messes...or that we didn't have the finest things...our needs were simple. Ted and I would often laugh while we fed gangs of kids...that one day we'd get all new furniture! And who cared about the disarray...afterall...our kids were here, they loved us...they wanted to be here with us...and we had a good family. Pain...I still feel Adam's pain...when I close my eyes at night, I feel his concern...I know how he cared, he loved us...he loved being a LARIZZIO...he wouldn't want us to feel this pain. Thankfully God is lessening the heartache with time...and my prayers are said everyday to stay strong...and to hold onto what I had and to cling to what I still have. My hopes are that Jordan stays strong through this also. I pray his friends continue to encircle him and support him...and that Adam's friends stay by Jordan also...because as Jordan said...pieces of Adam are in him also. I miss the two sons I would see daily...the beautiful sons I was so proud of...to see them together daily...the friendship and love they shared. Jordan was sad yesterday...he tries to keep things together...as all guys do, but as I cried "I miss my son"...he calmly reminded me I still have a son here...and that he doesn't have a brother..God Bless Jordan...
p.s. the pic I posted today was from Christmas night at the Blue Nana's...there is no sign on his handsome face that would have alarmed me of anything wrong...