how are you?

Up until Adam passed...the typical response I would state back once asked "how are you?"...was great...or really good, thanks! Followed with big smiles...my smiles, like Adam's...they'd always been sincere and heartfelt, because we always were "good and happy"...so was Jordan...since we lost Adam, I have great difficulty saying that "I am good", because I am not "good"...I'm not bad...thankfully, but to say I am good would be a lie...and I can't lie...yesterday, I bumped into another mother who lost a daughter...this is someone else who I hadn't talked about "loss" with until now...she asked Ted "how are you" and he replied "good"...my turn...how are you Lori?...I paused and said I'm OK...wish I could say good, but I haven't jumped that obstacle yet...she looked at me, mom to mom, eyes meeting fully and said...I knew I could say "I'm good" when all of a sudden, one day I woke up and it was a beautiful day...the sun was shining and for the first time, my first thought wasn't that of my daughter that I had lost...and I totally understood what she told me...Adam occupies my mind constantly...at first it was the most saddening and gnawing, painful tense pressure...an unrelenting feeling of sadness and loss...with time, precious time, the pain eased and moments passed where our minds actually could focus for short periods on something else...other than thoughts of him...now....three months have passed...and I can go out, I can blend a bit...I can listen and participate in conversations and get lost in theirs...but throughout the day and throughout the night, that same old sadness lurks about us...I talk with Ted who validates he feels the same as well...the ups and downs, our valant efforts to move ahead...and we do...and await the day, I open the shade...to see the sunshine and feel it's warmth on my face...and say "I'm good"...