Wednesday, May 19, 2010
...over the past three months, something we've discussed quite frequently, my grief therapist and I is the fact some people who've lost a child (or sometimes a spouse or sibling) get "stuck"...they neither move forward or backward...they exist...some move a bit laterally...many adapt to be able to "go through the motions"...and she knew that I knew this...my background and my instincts had made me see this even before I lost my son...my heart would break when I would see another mother who'd lost her child. How can you not have full and utter compassion for her? Her grief...the agony she feels...it doesn't leave...it's not like the loss of an item that can be replaced...this is human life...and each person lost was an extremely large piece of love and life taken away from that parent...and the torturous part is that she and I must figure out how to go on without them...our loved one. There's a woman who has been going to a bereavement group I attend...and she's been there for three years...and until last week....she hadn't the strength to state that her son had died...almost seems unbelievable...but you see...she was "stuck"...her grief overwhelmed her. To get "unstuck"...well that was on my mind almost immediately, perhaps because I had heard the stories of moms like her...God Bless her...it make you wonder if she had no one...no support...her circle of friends may not have existed...did she possess Faith? I won't ever know...but being alone is probably the worst thing a parent can do while going through this. Thank God my house has always been bustling with activity and other people's energy...that was what helped pull us up...to go for lunch, coffee with friends, visits to my home...all well received, too. I love being with people...it's odd how many people stated "we thought you needed space...time alone"....in my bereavement book that I plan on writing, well...that's something I will strongly discourage...unless that person was always a "loner"...being alone is the worst. Being around lots of good people has been therapeutic...all of those things have kept me from being "stuck"...mind you...I am sad most of the time, but those close to me can see the little, gradual changes...many pieces of "old Lori" are s-l-o-w-l-y coming back...and it's okay that it's taking it's time...I wouldn't want it any other way...yes, our family desire to be the people we always were is a goal that we strive for...Adam wouldn't want me to "remain in place or become stagnent"...I talk about him, often and with loving thoughts...the efforts I put forth in his scholarship fund and my future book...all keep his memory alive...even people who haven't lost a child can become "stuck"...I see that...perhaps they, too feel like life threw them some hard curves...they, too need to look at the worst case scenario and then reflect back on where they are...is it really that bad? Funny thing is Ted and I could always do that in life...we knew what was good...we took the bad days and made them the best we could...I know Adam's death wasn't a wake-up call to us...we plan to live like we did before...with goodness and a plan to always do what's right...to work on staying "unstuck" and to help others along the way...on our path to finding our smiles and laughter again...around the bend....
p.s. "No matter how sad you are today, happiness and laughter and even joy are distinct possibilities for tomorrow..."