drifting away....

I look at Jordan...and see only portions of what he used to be...he's not himself without you...how can he be? Together you made the "act" complete. He was the Kramer to your Jerry Seinfeld...You'd been partners throughout your life, I had Dad...and you guys had one another...times of travel...times of fun...we'd partner up...you'd look out for each other...always...
Jordan hates life's newest decision that made him an only child...he wants to see you on that couch across from him, to listen to you talk...or rant about politics and religion...to listen to his feelings right now...he must struggle more than anyone knows or can imagine...he was the person who spent more time with you than anybody...others tell me things go well for them since you became an Angel...that they felt your presence with them when they interviewed...or got promoted...or did well in a card game...all I'm asking is for you send Blessings and watchful care over Jordan now...please send your Angels to circle him in love and comfort...inside his head lives ghosts of all he saw...witnessed...and endured...and I'm sure he felt helpless as he watched hope drift apart...as WE watched hope drift away...it drifted away...........
p.s. Perhaps it was you who was more like Kramer? You guys loved that show...and you loved "Newman"...

paths....

...a path taken...for us, it was the path that led to love and completion...
others may take a different path...and end up in the same location as us...our love...our completeness...many paths to be taken...some are distorted...some confuse us and leave us "lost"...you forged a path that others followed...like the man with the flute...others seemed to trail you and the delight you'd bring upon those around you...you, the proud leader, your music...charming and sweet...a delightful smile...a calmness that seemed to flow from you and into others...your path ended and we who followed you are trying to find ourselves back...to where we started...it's difficult Adam...we want to hear your music still...we want to trace your footsteps...we want to feel your warmth one more time...

Dearest Adam...
We miss you...I know that's how we'll feel for the rest of our lives...and we know you miss us...there's not much we can take comfort in lately, but I do find comfort in remembering our love...our family...our bond. I don't think I could made it this far without the love and support from friends and family...you always knew how kind Dad's family has been to us...it's been ongoing as well as the daily love shown to us by our friends...and by yours...they all miss you...sometimes I still feel your hand on my back...it's always in the same spot and it soothes me...I feel you...and I remember your touch. Please continue to guide us...and help us continue to be strong...and show us the way that God intends for us to travel...

I have learned that faith is having the patience to wait, knowing that all things will be done in God’s time. I only wish I owned one of his watches.

...yesterday's storm never came...it surely looked like it would break out at any moment...but it didn't...I saw a young man and two young ladies walk by my house with inner tubes...I remembered Adam and Jordan...the stormy night and the risk they along with some of their friends took one treacherous stormy afternoon...it was way too late and unsafe to be doing this but they left without us talking about the dangers...and they were 22 and 20, so they knew best...or so they thought. A daring venture...the start of their ride down the Lehigh was simply an overcast sky but as their travel progressed...the storm began to rage...the sky became magnified with lightening...and the thunder boomed...rain pummeled down hard on anything beneath it...I was in horror realizing my two sons were on that river...I feared for them...I feared for the others...multiple phonecalls to no avail...Ted and I waited like crazy people at the train station for them...hours past as we sat in our car...finally, dark shadows of moving figures could be seen in the night...I counted them....seven boys...seven safe...Adam laughed about it...Jordan never said a word...where does fearlessness come from? I believe as we age we definitely develop more fears...there are so many things I retract from now...because wisdom came upon me...wisdom...

....something new...that's a goal I am making for myself now...to try or do something new each day....albeit small, like trying a new food...or reading a different poem...I am going to do this...walking with Hazel yesterday inspired me to do this project...we took a path by the lake and veered off onto another, one we rarely travel and amidst the path was a field of daisies...I picked a bouquet of flowers and took them home with me...and placed them in a mason jar next to my favorite picture of Adam...and I thought about us, many years back...picking flowers as a family...and warmth filled my heart...so many nice things that we did...me and Ted and our sons...the flowers...the pumpkins in fall and apples, too. And I thought if I continue to do these special things, it will bring back happier memories...and the trying new things...well, I got that idea while thinking about how Adam would be adventurous...how he wouldn't hesitate to try something...say something...inspire someone...I guess I could easily spend the rest of my time wallowing in my pool of tears...or I could try to recollect myself and live out some of Adam's dreams...and that actually excited me...Ted and I always talk about him...our conversations are healing...and we agreed last night that we wished we'd been more like Adam...we're both ultra-conservative...worry way too much...and put things off that could be enjoyed right now...perhaps I'll let my son lead me now...

summertime....

summer days...lie ahead of us here...and this is the time, you loved the best, such happy and fulfilling memories of you and all of your friends, enjoying the bliss that previous summers offered...the floats down the river...the endless get-togethers...the foods of summer...the concerts...and baseball, oh you and your Yankees...you thoroughly would partake of all that summer offered you...summertime...the best time of the year...the reconnecting of those who were away at college all year, now would resurface back into town...your gift to many was the blending you did so well...to get people together...to create the good times...to navigate the tour of summer fun...this summer will be different, not only for me, but to those whose lives your loss has affected...I hope when your friends ride down the Lehigh, they take memories of you with them each time...I hold hope that with each Frisbee thrown, little memories of you are held inside their thoughts...as a mom, I simply want YOU remembered...you'd been such a special gift to so many...and this summer cannot be the summer is was...without you here with us...perhaps it's summer time each day in Heaven...I love you...forever

Flowers in the garden.....

My sister's reply to my daily blog, it was WAY too beautiful not to share...
thank you Brenda...I love you.....

Flowers:
I think if your family were flowers, this is what they'd be:
Lori ~ A Rose - beautiful, fragrant flower, suffered with the thorns and briars and wilted for a season....blooming once again.Becomes more beautiful each year in life's garden...
Ted ~ Azalia....hearty, withstands hard rain, can survive in darkness..beautiful and dependable to bloom.
Jordan ~ Poppy....quietly grows in quiet fields....sturdy and lovely. Poppies are worn by men who have gone through a war....or sad times..
Adam ~ Reminds me of a Sunflower! Strong,loved by everyone, stands tall, but can be broken by a strong wind! I believe if flowers could tell stories, he would know everyone's story - because he is taller and greater than the other flowers, and the small flowers depend on his wisdom!
Ann ~ Lily of the Valley...sweet, lovely, delicate, withstands storms of life...losing a husband and a grandson....
Donna ~ Marigold...loved by many, has a heart of Gold! Grows well in sun!

And me....I am a dandelion...one who has been tossed and blown in the wind. I've never stayed at one place too long,,,but I love to blow my seeds on others and watch them grow. I love your family and pray for you to bloom where you've been planted and grow in an amazing way!

Love,
ME

the garden...

....oh how to regrow a relationship...slowly and carefully...to start I suppose. It's difficult recreating something that wasn't always there...my sister and I are trying to do just that...and I love her. It's not that we ever disliked each other, no...that's not it at all...I guess it's the years of age that separate us and lots of time and space...and distance over the years that allowed us to grow up...and apart. I know my core family was never really close...and sadly, we lost a brother 3yrs. back...and are parents have never been outgoing...My sister and I look back, and we wonder what happened...where did time go...what could we have done? But really there isn't anything we can do now to correct the neglected past...only the choices we make now affect our tomorrows.
Our family, like others...needed work...like a garden of flowers, ours needed tending...it needed more conversation...more nourishment...more attention...but we see, thankfully, that it isn't too late, to plant our garden and watch it bloom...I told my sister that through all of this I was so grateful for my garden of friendships...they have been helping me grow in many ways during this time of sorrow...when life seemed it's most dismal...it was they who tended to me...and it is they who are helping me bloom once again...and it is her now who is also tending to me, in my garden...and I love her for it...
p.s. Adam planted me a garden once...it was full of tall sunflowers...they took off in growth like no others I had ever seen before...and I smile when I think of the year of sunflowers...the year of Adam's garden...and his garden of friendships was the largest I'd witnessed still...

Dear Adam,
I reflect on the days, weeks and months now that have passed since you left us...and joined your grandfather in Heaven...and all that has happened in that short span of time...most of the days and nights initially seemed endless and unchanged...just a continuance of sadness and loss...but it seems as though if anyone had any way after death...to somehow provide support in a Spiritual way, it would have to be you, Adam. Too many things went into play after your passing...and it continues as I type...the friends who still filter through my home...the noises...the laughter...the hugs and kindness...all encompass us because they all loved you, and want to love us, also...I reflect on bereavement and what had been sources of support and strength...and the mourning and the grief we endured...as a family...as a community...the things that helped me most...Faith in God....without that, there would be nothing....Jordan...my loving son...his endless affection and warmth....Ted...the most supportive husband, without his love, I think I would fade into nothingness...friendships...holding me up when I felt like falling over...extended family members...encouragement and belief in us...that we can move into the next day...long walks...times of reflection...purpose...the desire to go on even though sometimes I really didn't know how to...I know you sent angels to my home...and I know you wanted me to keep my heart open...and it always has been...and by keeping an open heart, the good stuff is allowed to permeate through...each day people seem to come out of nowhere with little surprises of encouragement...last night two girls you had been friends with dropped by...such an easy fit, them here with us...they stayed for supper and then more friends passed through...and we made the food you loved...and they loved it, too...again, these little rituals we do are that to remember you...perhaps people who are "stuck" are afraid to face what we do...what we lost...but pushing it all aside and trying to "not talk about it" doesn't work for a family like us...I'm still trying to "figure" out what works each day because each day is very different...I miss you...truly...more than I can fully express...but you can see me...and you can feel it, I know you can...and I pray every day that it's you who'll guide me on...and show me the way...

how are you?

Up until Adam passed...the typical response I would state back once asked "how are you?"...was great...or really good, thanks! Followed with big smiles...my smiles, like Adam's...they'd always been sincere and heartfelt, because we always were "good and happy"...so was Jordan...since we lost Adam, I have great difficulty saying that "I am good", because I am not "good"...I'm not bad...thankfully, but to say I am good would be a lie...and I can't lie...yesterday, I bumped into another mother who lost a daughter...this is someone else who I hadn't talked about "loss" with until now...she asked Ted "how are you" and he replied "good"...my turn...how are you Lori?...I paused and said I'm OK...wish I could say good, but I haven't jumped that obstacle yet...she looked at me, mom to mom, eyes meeting fully and said...I knew I could say "I'm good" when all of a sudden, one day I woke up and it was a beautiful day...the sun was shining and for the first time, my first thought wasn't that of my daughter that I had lost...and I totally understood what she told me...Adam occupies my mind constantly...at first it was the most saddening and gnawing, painful tense pressure...an unrelenting feeling of sadness and loss...with time, precious time, the pain eased and moments passed where our minds actually could focus for short periods on something else...other than thoughts of him...now....three months have passed...and I can go out, I can blend a bit...I can listen and participate in conversations and get lost in theirs...but throughout the day and throughout the night, that same old sadness lurks about us...I talk with Ted who validates he feels the same as well...the ups and downs, our valant efforts to move ahead...and we do...and await the day, I open the shade...to see the sunshine and feel it's warmth on my face...and say "I'm good"...

...today's a college graduation celebration party for one of Adam's friends, one of his best friends...they hung out together since grade school, played baseball and then football together, slept over each other's houses...argued over the same girl one time (beautiful Maggie)...who would take her to the prom...Adam won, Matt forgave...Adam and Matt and Hontz...the three amigos...over the years the bond of friendship they formed was like that of brothers...and Ted and I have always been proud of these boys...and we're proud of Matt's accomplishments being recognized on this day...we know Matt wishes Adam could be here for him today...the empty place will surely we felt at Matt's home...and hopefully Adam's Spirit will always follow his friendships...it's been rough...each day is rough...and I look ahead and wonder what is my next plan? What does God have need of me for? And I await...

June Cleaver....

"There couldn't have been a worse mother for this to happen to....you're different than most other moms, you're more like a t.v. mom he told me"...catching my breath amidst tears...I said "I need you to repeat that...and tell me why you think that"...and he did, with tenderness in his explanation...his words not meant to hurt me...but to point out what he felt that he saw...you're softer hearted...you think more and your mind runs much deeper...and you "see" perfection in all of that around you...sort of like those happy ladies who play the parts of mothers on t.v. And I guess he's sort of right...he also said I would see many "kids" pass through my home over the "many" years that I held my doors wide open...offering my cookies and treats with smiles...and these innocent faces that smiled back sometimes held their own hidden secrets...like he told me...it was all my "wish" for happiness and Peace. Not that any of these kids were terrible, it's not "that" at all...but I saw perfection, never thinking any of them would have "their little hidden secrets" at the time...not knowing the "risks" that they took....but apparently I didn't even know it. And Adam was a GREAT young man...and he didn't hold his secret long, I know that...but my naiveness fogged the clarity of what really occurs in "life" now. Ted and I had a great conversation with an older coach of both my boys yesterday...and he, too, had his clouded moments with the boys he coached....telling us years ago, the boys would simply buy beer and get drunk. It's not like that anymore...nasty stuff happens...a scary world that a mom like me probably couldn't even imagine...and Adam didn't fit in...and it obviously took him......sad faces are everywhere since my son passed...we all can't fathom it...the intensity of such a GREAT heart that stopped beating...and Adam's soul...the most beautiful soul...is reminiscent in our memories now...and that t.v. mom...well, she's been enlightened to the harsh truth of small town secrets...and eyes wide open...still tearful...still unsure of why? But no longer naive...

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together...I saw that quote on a friend's Face book post....and I've been thinking about it ever since...in many ways, I see the truth of that quote...I see that as parents, we teach and guide our children so that when they reach that age of maturity...we release them and let them fly...yet always remain there as their "safety net" so they won't plummet downward, if they start to fall...and in social situations...we tend to "adjust ourselves" or act like we believe "what people" are saying...whether we agree or not...as to simply "fit in" with the norm....and yes, it's also true that many of us experience that "wake-up" moment that we see things tangled all around us...and it's either seek change or face doom...but with losing Adam...I await what could be the "falling together"...losing him made all of those who loved him....unravel...how do you rebuild such a great loss...how can things ever be as they were...they cannot...
We, those who loved him who are left behind with our emptiness...are desperately learning to readjust...and it's not only I, the saddened mother who's facing this quest...it's so many those lives he touched...in so many ways...I will take all that I've learned from Adam with me...in my heart...in my soul...and the goodness he possessed will always be cherished and remembered...and shared...and although I will never see the reason...I will accept that it happened and that through me...his memory will go on forever....

"stuck"

...over the past three months, something we've discussed quite frequently, my grief therapist and I is the fact some people who've lost a child (or sometimes a spouse or sibling) get "stuck"...they neither move forward or backward...they exist...some move a bit laterally...many adapt to be able to "go through the motions"...and she knew that I knew this...my background and my instincts had made me see this even before I lost my son...my heart would break when I would see another mother who'd lost her child. How can you not have full and utter compassion for her? Her grief...the agony she feels...it doesn't leave...it's not like the loss of an item that can be replaced...this is human life...and each person lost was an extremely large piece of love and life taken away from that parent...and the torturous part is that she and I must figure out how to go on without them...our loved one. There's a woman who has been going to a bereavement group I attend...and she's been there for three years...and until last week....she hadn't the strength to state that her son had died...almost seems unbelievable...but you see...she was "stuck"...her grief overwhelmed her. To get "unstuck"...well that was on my mind almost immediately, perhaps because I had heard the stories of moms like her...God Bless her...it make you wonder if she had no one...no support...her circle of friends may not have existed...did she possess Faith? I won't ever know...but being alone is probably the worst thing a parent can do while going through this. Thank God my house has always been bustling with activity and other people's energy...that was what helped pull us up...to go for lunch, coffee with friends, visits to my home...all well received, too. I love being with people...it's odd how many people stated "we thought you needed space...time alone"....in my bereavement book that I plan on writing, well...that's something I will strongly discourage...unless that person was always a "loner"...being alone is the worst. Being around lots of good people has been therapeutic...all of those things have kept me from being "stuck"...mind you...I am sad most of the time, but those close to me can see the little, gradual changes...many pieces of "old Lori" are s-l-o-w-l-y coming back...and it's okay that it's taking it's time...I wouldn't want it any other way...yes, our family desire to be the people we always were is a goal that we strive for...Adam wouldn't want me to "remain in place or become stagnent"...I talk about him, often and with loving thoughts...the efforts I put forth in his scholarship fund and my future book...all keep his memory alive...even people who haven't lost a child can become "stuck"...I see that...perhaps they, too feel like life threw them some hard curves...they, too need to look at the worst case scenario and then reflect back on where they are...is it really that bad? Funny thing is Ted and I could always do that in life...we knew what was good...we took the bad days and made them the best we could...I know Adam's death wasn't a wake-up call to us...we plan to live like we did before...with goodness and a plan to always do what's right...to work on staying "unstuck" and to help others along the way...on our path to finding our smiles and laughter again...around the bend....
p.s. "No matter how sad you are today, happiness and laughter and even joy are distinct possibilities for tomorrow..."

memory quilt....

....Nana Helmer has shown great efforts lately...to be supportive. This isn't her area...she's never been sentimental...and at first...with your passing...I don't think the depth of what really happened...was absorbed fully by her...
I'd been her rock, always and forever... helping her through her losses through the years...through her parents passing to her sibling's death and now we face together...the loss of you, Adam. She must have been thinking extra hard...because she called me the other day and offered me her sewing machine...at first I wondered...what would I do with that? And shortly thereafter, thoughts and ideas that she stirred in my mind surfaced...she said "maybe it would occupy your thoughts in a different way"...you could make different things...and maybe you could put it in Adam's room, and as you sew, you'd be in his room with pleasant thought of him...and maybe you could make a memory quilt" with pieces of Adam's favorite clothes...and the more I pondered her idea...the more I thought I could do it...and what comfort I would find putting my hands into something that would further memorialize you....as a child, I would often sit on the floor aside my mom, as she sewed on her machine...I was proud of her and what she could do with her needle and thread...and the pieces of cloth she'd embellish with buttons and bows...the things I would proudly wear...the outfits she'd make for my Barbies...she found comfort at that machine...and now she's trying to share it with me, her daughter...big steps in support...and I'm proud that she made that step...for me...for you...and I'm going to create that memory quilt...and when I complete it, I will cover myself at night in little pieces of all the wonderful memories each portion of fabric holds...each holds a special story of "you"

The times that I feel the calmest...are when I walk at the lake, for some reason...I feel a sense of Peace...sometimes I walk alone...yet I feel like you're with me...I told your dad last night that each time I cross the breast of the lake, the same red-winged black bird seems to trace my foot steps...his chatter can be heard as we watches me from the limbs of an evergreen...it also seems the same beautiful butterfly also journeys alongside me...regal and light, he flutters by us...and Hazel simply watches his careless flight...the sounds I hear are that of nature at it's finest...the water lapping against the rocks at the shore...the distinct sounds from the multitude of birds flying around me...the gentle breeze...the soft noises of my feet passing through the leaves...calm...and my mind opens to thoughts of us...thoughts of you...filling my heart and my mind...Peace...wishing and praying that with each day you're in a place filled with just that...peacefulness and calm...and I continue on my own journey...of self-healing...trying to stop those unending questions that fill my mind...and pray...the unending prayers that there had been a reason for your departure...and pray for patience...to know that someday, we'll be together again and my questions will be answered...Peace....calm...those are what I yearn for...

late start today...but the busy nature of the day was probably the best therapy for me..."my Lisa" and our colleagues recruited me into helping "set-up" for a basket bingo event...we'd planned this months ago...to raise funds to develop a scholarship fund in memory of dear Linda, our Hospice social worker who passed away in an automobile accident just before the New Year...New Year's...seems so far back...I still had Adam then...I still had my normal life....still had laughs, smiles, hopes and dreams...although shaken by Linda's loss...and quite saddened for her family. I remember thinking about each one of them when she died...I thought of her husband...her loving children...she, like me, would come to the office with smiles and stories of Leah and George...and she'd listen as I'd talk about my two guys...now Linda and I...are alike in other ways...her family is longing for her...and we long for our departed Adam...and when Adam passed...an almost immediate thought surfaced...thinking that it would be Linda's warm embrace welcoming my son into Heaven's gates...so many good people died way too young...and it's on us now to wonder how and why?

I was angry today...and my heart hurt more than ever...the pressure...the unfathomable discomfort...again we wonder...what were you thinking Adam? What could have possibly possessed you to do what you did...to risk EVERYTHING and loose it all...but you're not here...and it's US who's left without anything...the emptiness...the unanswered questions...the infinite sadness...the longing and hopelessness...life is so precious...and you'd been my gift...I always valued you and so did your dad...there is nothing we wouldn't have done for you...through the years...we'd hear others (thankfully not often), who didn't even like their kids...or who would complain unstoppably about the annoyances their kids had been...you see, we never felt that way...we loved you...we enjoyed you...we welcomed your uniqueness...there are SO many things I am missing...simple things, like the sound of your voice...I miss talking to you...and it pains me beyond comprehension to realize I will never hear your voice again...or your laughter...I miss sitting outdoors with you...laughing at Hazel...I miss watching you...and the way you'd interact with others...I miss watching you sleep...the peaceful breaths you'd take...who is ever ready to part with a piece of themselves? A piece of me...a piece of your father...our love...our creation...we valued you...and I don't want to be angry...yet I am...

hugs....

Dearest Adam...
Yesterday morning was your first Mass...8 a.m. and there were about twenty five people present in McGinley Hall...more than a usual week-day Mass...Lisa was there waiting for me when I walked in...there to hold my hand through the service...there to hug me afterwards...I reflect on those hugs...and the many hugs I received over the past 13 weeks...endless hugs...all warm and sincere...to me, hugs are like medicine...there still are no words to "right" the situation...and sadness will loom in the shadows your passing has created...but hugs...how therapeutic...I probably hugged and kissed you and Jordan more than I can even truthfully admit...the beautiful little sons I had...I would often look at you both with complete and utter love and fascination and hold you both till you'd grow weary of all my affection and squirm away...your hugs had been notorious...the envy of all my friends, some would even rival for your hugs...warm and loving...your big arms would envelope us and hold us with that same sincerity that I felt when I hugged you, as a child...and that soft and gentle smile...I knew you loved to hug people...such an easy way to self express...medicine...your hugs were just that...and you'd hug everybody...you were known for those hugs...The Blue Nana isn't a hugger...she often laughs about it...Jordan is sort of like that, too...and it's okay...we are all different and the love we possess is all very similar, although we release it differently...last night Jordan hugged me "goodnight" and I swear he put more into that hug than he ever did in his life...and I felt his love...I felt his love

when we meet again...

God lent you to me for awhile...
a gentle soul, a joyous smile...
a tender heart...and warm embrace...
no one else could take your place...
as days go forth...and you're not here...
I am now living...a mother's deepest fear...
can life go on...without your love...
I pray each day, to the Lord above...
I look for Faith...and hold onto Hope...
That somehow I will learn to cope...
I hold onto the pieces that still remain...
within my heart, as I say your name...
my precious son, my darling boy,
you had brought me...so much joy...
my heart is broken...and filled with pain...
but I hold onto the dream...that we'll meet again...
In Heaven, I will hold you...in my arms so tight...
facing eternity...within Heaven's Holy light...

we're not alone....

old friends...new friends...we feel the ongoing flow of perpetual love and support...I wonder if Adam is the reason for unbelievable support permeating through our lives? Somehow, someone finds us...each moment that we need strength...the hand of another finds ours and intertwines theirs with love and compassion...a glass of wine shared last night...a tender embrace...tears of old friends as we gaze deeply at one another...the memories...the sadness...the awkwardness dissipates...as it always does within moments of realizing it's just us...although our situation and sadness seem unmatched...we need to feel normal once again...we need to feel other's encouragement...we need to continue to talk about Adam...and in the ways we have been...the Adam stories, people smile and reflect on the way he lived his life...someone mentioned to me recently...that they "hope" I don't turn negative and bitter...apparently, this person hasn't experienced "me" in many, many years...even old friends who hold me today look at me and say "you've been the happiest person I ever knew"...and I do think they had been right...I was simply "that happy"...and for that doubtful soul...who must have forgotten "me"...she's probably correct in assuming I won't be that same "Lori" but I don't have the type of soul that could be tainted by this...and I want to be happy someday...again...and I know that my loss wasn't God punishing me...or us...as a family. My Faith understands that Adam's misjudgement...although a moment of fatal flawed thinking made this tragedy occur...God rescued my son and holds him close in Heaven's Glory...and I cannot help but wonder...every day...as Ted does, too...why our son? And why where there no second chances...and of course, the tears continue to flow...but we're not alone...we're not alone....

acceptance?

Dear Adam...
I continue to talk my heart out weekly with my new friend...my grief therapist...the steps I have taken in healing my heart have seemed to be effective... the best they can be...when I reflect on where I am now in contrast to where I started on this journey...the gradual progression can be viewed...acceptance...the final stage of going through grief...and we challenge...can we really "accept" this? I guess it's just something that we must accept...for we cannot change anything...what we think, feel, say or do now does nothing...for those, like me, who hold Spirituality close by their hearts...we hold steadfast that you knew...and you knew how we all cared for you...you knew that you had love all around you...mornings are still the roughest for me...I feel like Lucy from the Adam Sandler movie "50 First Dates"...she had a rare form of amnesia and each morning she had to relearn about the tragic accident...I awake and still feel that sense of loss and loneliness...not that I am "alone"...but without you Adam, I feel an emptiness that was never there before...Acceptance...such a unfair task...to think of all that I as your mom must learn to accept...from the beginning it was accepting that it was you lying lifeless on my floor...it was accepting at that moment that I had literally no idea what had happened and accepting later that you took a drug that wiped any bit of life or love or being from your precious body...accepting that you didn't know what you had gotten yourself into....accepting that we will never be the same family again because without you in our home, the hollow void is like a gaping wound...acceptance...the unfairness of it all...I am thankful that we are learning to cope...and as others told us, TIME helps heal...but acceptance? I think we need a new name for that final stage...

recovery....

Dearest Adam...
People have asked me, quite frequently, since you passed...when would I be going back to work...and all along I felt that that was such an odd and random comment...a bit hurtful, too...at least it pained me...at any point until now...to actually even have to think about work...because for the past 12 weeks...work for me has revolved around "recovery"....self recovery...and believe me, there is no one in the world who'd want this job...it's the position that no one applies for...just like the membership Dad and I obtained into the broken heart's club...but we live on...and it's now that I ponder my return...can I return to what I was before you passed. The memories of the last day I worked play vividly in my mind...I remember each visit made...each hand held...each tear shared. That Friday, I worked late because I wanted to settle a patient in for the evening and the joyous and Blessed reunion I helped create with a gentleman and his loving wife...as he returned home from the hospital onto Hospice care set up for him his home...aaahhhh....his wife held me...big, warm embrace...her eyes moist with tears...tears of gratitude that her sweetheart was home with her and a realization that his days were limited...but she'd "take that" because even a few days left...allowed her to spend them together.
And I wonder...will I be able to give of myself as I had in the past...the love I held for my patients was deep and heartfelt. My outer happiness was so immense that even the sadness of times like that allowed me to rebound once I left...and I could focus on the goals I set...for them...and what I could accomplish personally. Being kind to people is easy work...My boss and I would often say we couldn't understand why sometimes others just couldn't "see" what we did. Being kind...or going that extra mile came easy for us Adam. Perhaps it's because of our genuine love of people. For me, I was lucky enough to find my niche in life...you still hadn't found yours...but if only...if only...but you did touch hearts...many hearts...and Dad and I see students and teachers with white rubber wristbands...with red lettering etched with "egg" and the dates of your life's beginning and end...to have touched so many hearts...to have left your imprint on others...that they all would wear your name as a tribute to the "egg" your were...your passing caused many things...eyes to open up about the dangers of drugs...people more aware of bad things happening to a good kid...a nice family...the life span and how it can change in an instant...I hope those who wear your bracelet find strength when they wear it...I hope those who didn't know you...understand the goodness you possessed...and I hope you're guiding me...with each day...as my little angel...my love...forever...

breathing....again

Well, it's Monday morning...the day after Mother's Day and I survived...yesterday was a mix of panic and woe...but as the morning went along...the calm returned...
My focus was on remembrance...and on our mom's today...and all through the day...the doorbell would ring and people who truly cared would pass through with hugs and cards...and reassurances...my heart overflows with love for those who love me...I am overwhelmed at the care that people spread forth...people who loved me...people who adored my son and those who simply grew to care about our family...People remarked about the letter I placed in the newspaper...how special it had been...I typed that in moments (because when you feel passionate about something, it becomes an easy task)...all heartfelt because so many people meant oh so much...and I will spend the rest of my life being forever grateful...and when bad things happen to good people...you have a choice...actually two choices...to grow angry and bitter...or to allow love to fulfill...well, in our case, we'd always been loving...and always been kind...but if I am able...to grow more love, care and concern that I ever had...then I shall...Adam was magnificant...and those who didn't know him...as they discover him through the blog or through someone else's tales....wish they could have known him...and with his absense...that is the saddest part...I told my neighbor the feeling of losing him yesterday...the feeling of getting punched in the stomach but the air to breath doesn't come back...the gasping despairation...and learning how to breath all over again...slow and shallow breaths...will I ever breathe easily again? I doubt it...I know it'll be a struggle that follows me through the rest of my days...but I am breathing...and at first it was "barely" breathing...but with love, support and TIME, the breaths are more easily taken...

Dad made me French toast and hazelnut coffee...we watched the cooking network and he told me he was happy that I married him and had his children...that was enough...that was always the key with me...nothing that anyone else said mattered nearly as much...and through the sadness that will surely move up and down for me today, I know I have his love...and Jordan's too, of course...and with love I am grateful for the mom I have...and the "Blue Nana", too. She was just like a mother to me for such a long time...and it's the kindness and gentle ways of moms like them...that helped form me into the mom that I became...I know you're thinking of me and I'll accept the love you send...

Today was hard...tomorrow will be harder...I can't stop thinking about Mother's Day...I can't stop thinking about you...I was just listening to Modest Mouse...Float on...and tears flow continually down my face, a pool of liquid collects on the desk in front of me as I hold my head and sob...Your dad doesn't know what to do when I'm like this, so he cries, too. Last night was a better night...with your old friends gathered around...we try and cheer each other...I drink coffee while everyone else drinks beer...Erica O. brought me flowers and a special card...it's sort of funny how friendships have evolved from your passing...although you and Brad and Bryan have always been close...I really didn't get to know her...and she's so much like her Dad...and you loved Leo...who doesn't? He used to call you Shaggy and Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High...you loved it...you loved that family...her words, so heartfelt, brought even more tears to my eyes...words of encouragement...words expressing the love through my mothering to you and those around you...she told me Bryan had a really difficult time with your passing...he served Mass and wasn't able to look at us...or view your casket...it's was too rough...and I look back and see how you treated him...with love and respect...with awe he looked up to you...and with tears, he had to serve at your funeral...life is so unfair...Rachael came by, too...with a pretty flower...in a lovely painted pot...two blooms...one represents each of us...you and me...she also held me and cried alongside me...tears...will they ever stop...had I not loved you oh so much, the tears would have subsided...but my entire life, heart, and soul was overflowing with adoration and love for you, Jordan and your Dad...If only I could have stopped the world just for a second... to keep you here...to keep you safe, within my arms...my precious son...

Moms...we are so Blessed to be mothers...the greatest thing in my life was the gift of motherhood...yes, like I said before...I'd dream of being a mom...and my dreams came true in 1985 and then again in 1987...with Mother's day tomorrow...I've been thinking and reflecting upon how I should feel right now...this was always a special time for us...any other year, Ted would cook a delicious meal and a fabulous dessert that we all could enjoy...and Adam and Jordan would go to Bath and Body Works weeks ahead to buy me the most special scented bath baskets...they knew how much I enjoyed that. And Adam would sniff each of the many scents until he decided he thought I would like it! Jordan was easy...he'd go along with whatever Adam decided...A mom who lost a daughter keeps an eye on me...she calls on occasion...she'll also send me a note...her kindness is amazing...her daughter would be close to my age now...she lost her at nineteen...terrible and tragic car accident. Her life moved ahead although sadness still looms around her...shadows from the past still haunt her eyes...and her smile almost seems forced...I know that feeling...of forced smiles and pretended laughter. It's difficult to portray "normalcy" when things aren't normal anymore...this kind and gentle woman told me she doesn't celebrate "Mother's day" anymore..since her daughter's passing...it's too difficult and she feels God would forgive her....as being in church is just too painful on that day...and I understand her pain...but believe it or not...my view is sort of different. I LOVED being Adam's mom...and Jordan's mom...and Teddy's wife...the mother of his children. I need to remember that...I need to remember them. Although Adam is not with me now...he was a vital part of my life since I was a very young mother...he and I and Jordan...we formed a bond...a special one that a mother and her sons forge...and it was strong and good...and not remembering God's gift to me would be sad...I want to have strength to acknowledge this day...to wish those moms around me a Blessing...to let my own mom and Ted's mom know how special they are and the positive influences they played in my life...I want to recognize my role in the formation of the two sons I had...Adam's gone...forever and I miss him beyond belief...but pretending Mother's Day didn't exist would be like pretending I never had him...and I did...I loved him...I love Jordan and when tomorrow comes...I'll still be a mom...and as Adam peers down from Heaven...I don't want him to see me suffer here on earth...I want him to always know what a privilege it had been to have been his mom....

shin-digs...

Dear Adam,
Today is a warm and beautiful day...the sun is shining, the sky is radiant blue with beautiful billowy clouds...you lived and loved for days like today...a Frisbee thrown...some music played...a gathering created...and for you it was the perfect day for a shin-dig...you'd often use that term and you'd often throw shin-digs...random gatherings for food and friendship intermingled with laughter and song...and the randomness of who'd you invite...everyone it seemed...as the yard would grow filled with happy people...at times, the whole block would be parked up with vehicles...the neighbor's saying, "oh, It's Adam having another one of his shin-digs"...and Jordan loved these parties, too. Again, yours and Jordan's friendships intertwined...and we all had a good time...I always saw pieces of Pop in both you and Jordan...he loved people...I never remember him speaking ill of anyone...he held his home and heart open for all those around him...he was quiet, gentle and kind...and he loved to sit back and allow people to enjoy his home, food and music...often, he'd host "shin-digs", too.
aaahhhhh....and friendships...how amazing is it that we can have the privilege of choosing friendships? Sit back and reflect on that one...how lucky we are to be able to pick our friendships...and for you Adam, you gave everyone you came across that chance...and although hard work...keeping those friendships strong and growing...you made it work and people valued how seriously you took upon that role...of being a friend. Believe me, I learned from watching you...how kind you'd be to others...even the randomness of who you'd invite to these events...everyone and anyone and your magic of friendship made them blend...I hope you're there with us tonight...as we fire up the grill and talk about how much we miss our friend...but the things we're doing now are to honor the memories you gave to us...and we know that you'd want us to continue in your tradition...tears are flowing unbelievably as I write...I miss you THAT much...but although I know I will never understand "why" you had to leave us...until we meet again, I want to hold onto those little pieces I have left...Zach was here one day and he opened his wallet and pulled out a small blue piece of paper...my heart jumped as I remembered that note...you and I sat at the kitchen table...the season was Fall...it was your senior year...and you made little invitations for a shin-dig on our deck to celebrate Autumn's arrival...you even drew little orange pumpkins on each invitation...people who received those...cherished it then...cherish the memories even more...we'll miss you my friend...we'll miss you...

do you miss me?

I miss you...every second of every day...and I wonder what you are able to view from your Heavenly stance...and if you can see me here and now...and what you're thinking...and the changes you see that have come upon me...changes so deep, I wish I could be "me" again...and I see some others who cannot fathom "me" without joy or levity...I see...others who lost a child have told me this is normal...people who don't know what to say...or who truly don't understand that it's not something that you simply "snap out of"...it's a lengthy process and one I would never have chosen...but for some unknown reason, it was me who was selected to become a part of this unpopular group...those who lost their loving child...and I look at Jordan and I still feel Blessed, for I have him, his love and his care...but Adam's passing has forever altered him, too...he'll never be the same person and my heart bleeds for him...I know he feels alone...he is now an only child and that's not how life was supposed to be...the wishes he made, the hopes he held dear....that Adam would have pulled through that night...and the chaos that followed us ever since...we still ride the roller coaster of emotions...less often now...and healing is in process...but how do you ever heal fully? How do you ever move past the love that touched your heart and is no longer there...My cousin held me and told me she loved me...and she missed me...and she saw glimpses of the old "me" when I was with her last night...she said anyone who didn't know me might pass me and think nothing...I could "blend in" now...but for those who did know me...my perpetual smile has faded...the sparkles that highlighted my eyes grew dim...and the zest I once felt for life feels like a forgotten thing...but thankfully...I remember the "me" that I was...I miss friends that distanced themselves from me...but I understand that unless you've endured this...there is no real connection to understanding what's going on inside my head or heart...I miss you Adam, do you miss me, too?

circle of friends...

Dear Adam...
Bo came by the day before yesterday...it's nice how your friends still come by...and being with your friends gives me comfort...makes me feel as though I am "talking" with you a little...because they were parts of you and they loved you, too...he told me that on Sunday, he and four others needed to spend time with you so they gathered at the cemetary and sat upon the grass and talked...and even played some of your favorite songs...he said they just wanted to "hang out" with you...
he said he and the others are having a tough time...this "moving on" phase isn't easy. He, like us...will see a car like yours and think it was you...until he realizes you're not here any longer...or he'll automatically want to call or text you...to tell you something silly or ask your opinion...and he'll catch himself knowing he cannot do that anymore...because you're gone...we both know...there wasn't anyone else like you, Adam. Your presense is greatly missed...we still beat ourselves up inside wondering yet again...why? Me...I'm trying to piece together what was torn apart from your passing...the once complete person that you loved...I do the best I can because I know you would want me to go on...and I've been "talking it out"...with those who lend an ear...and I pray and I pray...and I keep the bitterness away. I hold steadfast to the values we always held dear...and that glimmer of light...I see it in the distance...and the journey will be long I hear...but I am willing to travel...God Bless you Adam, you are surely missed by all...you've touched many hearts in your short lifetime...

I love you...

Back in December, I started doing little blood pressure clinics at an elderly hi-rise in Carbon County. It was a project I initiated for my job, to "get our information out there". It was my first appointment in a new setting...not much of a response and most of those who did want their blood pressures checked paid little attention to me or the mere idea "they'd ever need Hospice"...yes, sometimes it is a "scary" word when in actuality, it's a wonderful source of help and relief...well, anyway, an eloquent woman with silver hair and perfectly applied geranium pink lipstick sat waiting patiently until it was her turn...for she was the last person on the list. The others hurried through...she was interested in my "story" and she was unlike any of those others before her...as I looked at her and as she spoke to me...I could see the beauty and class she possessed. Her gray-blue eyes sparkled as she spoke to me, her soft voice telling me she wished she knew of Hospice thirty plus years ago when her dear husband was dying from lung cancer...I cannot remember her name...I cannot remember her husband's name...but I'll never forget her face...or her story. She told me she met him, the love of her life when she was 20...he was ten years her senior and those sparkling eyes danced as she told the tale. He was an architect...who designed beautiful buildings in Philadelphia...and he was a kind and gregarious man...and that she loved him madly...they had two beautiful daughters and lived a wonderful life...story-book style...she worked as a secretary in a business office but never felt it a gratifying career...but she chose to stay on anyway, because she wanted to be productive and that was where her skills like typing and shorthand were best utilized...life went on joyously for this lovely woman until her hubby began to cough...and the cough worsened...they attributed this to the "city" air...although he smoked heavily for years she told me....but back then, everyone did...they used to visit our area in the summers...so that is what drew them to relocate near Tamaqua...so her sweetheart could breath better in a cleaner air community...by this time he was in his fifties...she was about my age, 44...he picked up another architectural position nearby...and life continued...and so did that cough...and those two lovely daughters grew up and went off...married and happily ever after followed them, also. And the couple? His condition worsened and he soon had to retire and by his late fifties, he became oxygen dependent and discovered his cancer. She stayed by his side with love...and he continued, even through his sickness to profess his love to her...it was his sixtieth birthday...she sat watching a football game with him as his condition weakened...soon, he was in the hospital and his talking wasn't even comprehensible, due to the effects of the raging cancer within...she told me she held his hand and he took hers and with his index finger, traced the words "I love you" on her palm...and within minutes...took his last breath...in all my years of nursing...never have I heard such a beautiful tale of parting...I used to trace my finger along my children's backs when they were little...it made me think of our silly game...how they'd have to guess and figure out what I was writing on their little backs...and I would often trace the words "I love you"...and Adam and Jordan always figured that out, too. I wish I could have felt those words one more time on my hand....or on my back...My parting with Adam was sad...I had no parting because it was sudden and unseen...I hope angels tell Adam my story...and that he remembers the tracings on his back...the "I love you's"...because thinking of this lady's story...made me think of you, Adam...I love you...I love you...I love you...
p.s. her story went on...and she reinvented herself...because she was only 50 when he passed...perhaps that'll be another blog...

Dear Adam...I took a moment yesterday to think about how people in our town helped us through the haze...with your passing...writing this public note made me cry, of course, but it also made me feel like I was giving back, in my own way...to acknowledge the goodness of people around us...and also...to encourage those who read this blog...to continue to encourage us...to continue with those "pushes" that we truly need. Sometimes we suffer more now than before...when something as tragic and sudden as this occurs...the support initially is tremendous...sometimes people have latent responses and their sadness is even greater months later...and we're at that point...if people offered their support before and we shunned away...it might have been we didn't need it at that time...but times are different for each of us...there's been no "steady" flow of anything...forward or backward...sometimes we see ourselves as blank canvases...void of color....absence of design...our family portrait...our "work of art" was forever altered with your loss...and it remains incredibly difficult to reconstruct...and it'll never look, feel or be the same...
I wish...I wish ...I wish...for only this...that continued concern be projected at Jordan now...to help him through this haze...I prayed extra hard last night...and again, Adam, you came into my dreams...and you were there with Jordan...I could see you as I always had for 22 yrs. The two of you together...no brothers loved each other like you did...
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Dear Editor,

On February 20th, 2010, our lives changed forever for with that date is when our son died tragically. It was a parent’s worst nightmare unfolding before us and had we not had such tremendous support from the small community of Jim Thorpe, I cannot even imagine how we could have made it through that time period. From the moment the town’s people heard our saddening news, there were knocks on our door, phone calls, baked goods and foods prepared, and errands ran for us. People filtered through our home in a constant flow to give us support and guide us the best that they could. One thousand people stood in line for hours at Adam’s viewing to offer condolences. Our church was so full for his funeral mass there wasn’t an empty seat available. The local churches held prayer groups to pray for our family, my parent’s church rallied together to make food for Adam’s funeral luncheon, and our own church gave support beyond belief. People told us strangers who heard of our loss dropped food items off for the funeral meal at the church. The list of those who donated runs on and on. Ted and I were in a fog for the first month after Adam’s passing. We reflect now on how wonderful the town has been and also recognize support received from other neighboring communities. Our son Adam loved this town, tremendously, we all did. We all grew up here as natives and we all knew Jim Thorpe had something special. An appeal that is unique and comprised of people who genuinely care, Jim Thorpe has always held those remarkable characteristics. People focused on how wonderful our son was and how kind they all were to our family. No one dwelled on how Adam passed, instead they focused on how he lived and how we, his family was doing. Ted and I and Jordan will be forever grateful for all the kindness, love and generosity that the amazing people of Jim Thorpe provided to us doing this sad time. Adam would often tell us he wouldn’t have wanted to grow up or live anywhere else. And we agree. Again, this letter is to simply recognize a town’s efforts to support a family of their “own”. We are so proud to say we live in Jim Thorpe and again, we wish to extend our deepest gratitude and thanks to all of you, who prayed with us, guided us, stood beside us or thought about our family during our sadness. We are forever grateful.

Dearest Adam...
Another day...the sun is shining and the warmth of Spring envelops us. Grass is now growing on your grave and birds have multiplied in their appearance around the cemetary. Dad put little solar "night lights" on your grave site for you and Pop...some nights, he goes to visit you in the darkness and the little lights will help guide him to you...he tells me he feels a "calm" when he sits there at night, thinking about you...he's right about the calmness that surrounds you...last night, in the distance, the faint sounds of the children playing ball at McGarvey field could be heard...and remembrances of you being in that field, too...fill our heads...happy times...sweet son...may those sweet memories be remembered always...and may you rest Peacefully...

Searching for Peace....

May 1st...a new month...another month has elapsed since I last saw you...another Friday passed and transitioned into another Saturday...and for others...just like normal times...and for us...everything remains abnormal. I was telling your Dad last night, as we took Hazel through the cemetary, that my "life" has always had certain characteristics that "defined me"...and the key defining factors had ALWAYS been wife and mother...I cannot even begin to remember "not being either"...and I know that I am still a wife and mom, but it isn't the same...Ted and I...represent 2...you and Jordan represented the other 2....equation....2+2=4...it's unfathomable to think I need to learn to accept this new equation of 2+1=3...not fair...in any way. A loss so great...and this week...I saw it...although I cry so much...unending tears...I do see the strength that others saw "early on" in me...the love we shared undoubtedly guides me...some things in that support program unsettled me...I could see the struggles they faced and many had no idea how "to move ahead"...many who lose loved ones turn bitter or depressed...God knows how it's not their fault and how easily anyone could succumb to that...but I don't feel hateful to God...I don't feel hateful to others who still have their children...I also felt we has a good relationship prior to your passing...so the complications that might have existed in their lives may had been pre-existing things that further complicated their feelings now...the constant bashing on ourselves is not only injurous to "us" but it also builds a wall against good people who want to come inside our hearts...
With Hope we walked through the cemetary...sometimes we go there twice a day...last night we visited near nightfall...we followed Hazel as she led us into the old portion of the graveyard...the old Irish immigrant's burial site...reading the old stones...many so weathered and tattered you cannot read all of their names...many of the stones lie broken and akwardly tilted in the ground...neglected...and I pondered whether their families even know that this is where their great-grandparents are laid to rest...and we prayed for them all...and Hope that our Spirit was with them last night...and will continue to pray for PEACE within that little Irish cemetary...and PEACE to you my Beloved son, PEACE to you...