drifting away....

I look at Jordan...and see only portions of what he used to be...he's not himself without you...how can he be? Together you made the "act" complete. He was the Kramer to your Jerry Seinfeld...You'd been partners throughout your life, I had Dad...and you guys had one another...times of travel...times of fun...we'd partner up...you'd look out for each other...always...
Jordan hates life's newest decision that made him an only child...he wants to see you on that couch across from him, to listen to you talk...or rant about politics and religion...to listen to his feelings right now...he must struggle more than anyone knows or can imagine...he was the person who spent more time with you than anybody...others tell me things go well for them since you became an Angel...that they felt your presence with them when they interviewed...or got promoted...or did well in a card game...all I'm asking is for you send Blessings and watchful care over Jordan now...please send your Angels to circle him in love and comfort...inside his head lives ghosts of all he saw...witnessed...and endured...and I'm sure he felt helpless as he watched hope drift apart...as WE watched hope drift away...it drifted away...........
p.s. Perhaps it was you who was more like Kramer? You guys loved that show...and you loved "Newman"...

paths....

...a path taken...for us, it was the path that led to love and completion...
others may take a different path...and end up in the same location as us...our love...our completeness...many paths to be taken...some are distorted...some confuse us and leave us "lost"...you forged a path that others followed...like the man with the flute...others seemed to trail you and the delight you'd bring upon those around you...you, the proud leader, your music...charming and sweet...a delightful smile...a calmness that seemed to flow from you and into others...your path ended and we who followed you are trying to find ourselves back...to where we started...it's difficult Adam...we want to hear your music still...we want to trace your footsteps...we want to feel your warmth one more time...

Dearest Adam...
We miss you...I know that's how we'll feel for the rest of our lives...and we know you miss us...there's not much we can take comfort in lately, but I do find comfort in remembering our love...our family...our bond. I don't think I could made it this far without the love and support from friends and family...you always knew how kind Dad's family has been to us...it's been ongoing as well as the daily love shown to us by our friends...and by yours...they all miss you...sometimes I still feel your hand on my back...it's always in the same spot and it soothes me...I feel you...and I remember your touch. Please continue to guide us...and help us continue to be strong...and show us the way that God intends for us to travel...

I have learned that faith is having the patience to wait, knowing that all things will be done in God’s time. I only wish I owned one of his watches.

...yesterday's storm never came...it surely looked like it would break out at any moment...but it didn't...I saw a young man and two young ladies walk by my house with inner tubes...I remembered Adam and Jordan...the stormy night and the risk they along with some of their friends took one treacherous stormy afternoon...it was way too late and unsafe to be doing this but they left without us talking about the dangers...and they were 22 and 20, so they knew best...or so they thought. A daring venture...the start of their ride down the Lehigh was simply an overcast sky but as their travel progressed...the storm began to rage...the sky became magnified with lightening...and the thunder boomed...rain pummeled down hard on anything beneath it...I was in horror realizing my two sons were on that river...I feared for them...I feared for the others...multiple phonecalls to no avail...Ted and I waited like crazy people at the train station for them...hours past as we sat in our car...finally, dark shadows of moving figures could be seen in the night...I counted them....seven boys...seven safe...Adam laughed about it...Jordan never said a word...where does fearlessness come from? I believe as we age we definitely develop more fears...there are so many things I retract from now...because wisdom came upon me...wisdom...

....something new...that's a goal I am making for myself now...to try or do something new each day....albeit small, like trying a new food...or reading a different poem...I am going to do this...walking with Hazel yesterday inspired me to do this project...we took a path by the lake and veered off onto another, one we rarely travel and amidst the path was a field of daisies...I picked a bouquet of flowers and took them home with me...and placed them in a mason jar next to my favorite picture of Adam...and I thought about us, many years back...picking flowers as a family...and warmth filled my heart...so many nice things that we did...me and Ted and our sons...the flowers...the pumpkins in fall and apples, too. And I thought if I continue to do these special things, it will bring back happier memories...and the trying new things...well, I got that idea while thinking about how Adam would be adventurous...how he wouldn't hesitate to try something...say something...inspire someone...I guess I could easily spend the rest of my time wallowing in my pool of tears...or I could try to recollect myself and live out some of Adam's dreams...and that actually excited me...Ted and I always talk about him...our conversations are healing...and we agreed last night that we wished we'd been more like Adam...we're both ultra-conservative...worry way too much...and put things off that could be enjoyed right now...perhaps I'll let my son lead me now...

summertime....

summer days...lie ahead of us here...and this is the time, you loved the best, such happy and fulfilling memories of you and all of your friends, enjoying the bliss that previous summers offered...the floats down the river...the endless get-togethers...the foods of summer...the concerts...and baseball, oh you and your Yankees...you thoroughly would partake of all that summer offered you...summertime...the best time of the year...the reconnecting of those who were away at college all year, now would resurface back into town...your gift to many was the blending you did so well...to get people together...to create the good times...to navigate the tour of summer fun...this summer will be different, not only for me, but to those whose lives your loss has affected...I hope when your friends ride down the Lehigh, they take memories of you with them each time...I hold hope that with each Frisbee thrown, little memories of you are held inside their thoughts...as a mom, I simply want YOU remembered...you'd been such a special gift to so many...and this summer cannot be the summer is was...without you here with us...perhaps it's summer time each day in Heaven...I love you...forever

Flowers in the garden.....

My sister's reply to my daily blog, it was WAY too beautiful not to share...
thank you Brenda...I love you.....

Flowers:
I think if your family were flowers, this is what they'd be:
Lori ~ A Rose - beautiful, fragrant flower, suffered with the thorns and briars and wilted for a season....blooming once again.Becomes more beautiful each year in life's garden...
Ted ~ Azalia....hearty, withstands hard rain, can survive in darkness..beautiful and dependable to bloom.
Jordan ~ Poppy....quietly grows in quiet fields....sturdy and lovely. Poppies are worn by men who have gone through a war....or sad times..
Adam ~ Reminds me of a Sunflower! Strong,loved by everyone, stands tall, but can be broken by a strong wind! I believe if flowers could tell stories, he would know everyone's story - because he is taller and greater than the other flowers, and the small flowers depend on his wisdom!
Ann ~ Lily of the Valley...sweet, lovely, delicate, withstands storms of life...losing a husband and a grandson....
Donna ~ Marigold...loved by many, has a heart of Gold! Grows well in sun!

And me....I am a dandelion...one who has been tossed and blown in the wind. I've never stayed at one place too long,,,but I love to blow my seeds on others and watch them grow. I love your family and pray for you to bloom where you've been planted and grow in an amazing way!

Love,
ME

the garden...

....oh how to regrow a relationship...slowly and carefully...to start I suppose. It's difficult recreating something that wasn't always there...my sister and I are trying to do just that...and I love her. It's not that we ever disliked each other, no...that's not it at all...I guess it's the years of age that separate us and lots of time and space...and distance over the years that allowed us to grow up...and apart. I know my core family was never really close...and sadly, we lost a brother 3yrs. back...and are parents have never been outgoing...My sister and I look back, and we wonder what happened...where did time go...what could we have done? But really there isn't anything we can do now to correct the neglected past...only the choices we make now affect our tomorrows.
Our family, like others...needed work...like a garden of flowers, ours needed tending...it needed more conversation...more nourishment...more attention...but we see, thankfully, that it isn't too late, to plant our garden and watch it bloom...I told my sister that through all of this I was so grateful for my garden of friendships...they have been helping me grow in many ways during this time of sorrow...when life seemed it's most dismal...it was they who tended to me...and it is they who are helping me bloom once again...and it is her now who is also tending to me, in my garden...and I love her for it...
p.s. Adam planted me a garden once...it was full of tall sunflowers...they took off in growth like no others I had ever seen before...and I smile when I think of the year of sunflowers...the year of Adam's garden...and his garden of friendships was the largest I'd witnessed still...

Dear Adam,
I reflect on the days, weeks and months now that have passed since you left us...and joined your grandfather in Heaven...and all that has happened in that short span of time...most of the days and nights initially seemed endless and unchanged...just a continuance of sadness and loss...but it seems as though if anyone had any way after death...to somehow provide support in a Spiritual way, it would have to be you, Adam. Too many things went into play after your passing...and it continues as I type...the friends who still filter through my home...the noises...the laughter...the hugs and kindness...all encompass us because they all loved you, and want to love us, also...I reflect on bereavement and what had been sources of support and strength...and the mourning and the grief we endured...as a family...as a community...the things that helped me most...Faith in God....without that, there would be nothing....Jordan...my loving son...his endless affection and warmth....Ted...the most supportive husband, without his love, I think I would fade into nothingness...friendships...holding me up when I felt like falling over...extended family members...encouragement and belief in us...that we can move into the next day...long walks...times of reflection...purpose...the desire to go on even though sometimes I really didn't know how to...I know you sent angels to my home...and I know you wanted me to keep my heart open...and it always has been...and by keeping an open heart, the good stuff is allowed to permeate through...each day people seem to come out of nowhere with little surprises of encouragement...last night two girls you had been friends with dropped by...such an easy fit, them here with us...they stayed for supper and then more friends passed through...and we made the food you loved...and they loved it, too...again, these little rituals we do are that to remember you...perhaps people who are "stuck" are afraid to face what we do...what we lost...but pushing it all aside and trying to "not talk about it" doesn't work for a family like us...I'm still trying to "figure" out what works each day because each day is very different...I miss you...truly...more than I can fully express...but you can see me...and you can feel it, I know you can...and I pray every day that it's you who'll guide me on...and show me the way...

how are you?

Up until Adam passed...the typical response I would state back once asked "how are you?"...was great...or really good, thanks! Followed with big smiles...my smiles, like Adam's...they'd always been sincere and heartfelt, because we always were "good and happy"...so was Jordan...since we lost Adam, I have great difficulty saying that "I am good", because I am not "good"...I'm not bad...thankfully, but to say I am good would be a lie...and I can't lie...yesterday, I bumped into another mother who lost a daughter...this is someone else who I hadn't talked about "loss" with until now...she asked Ted "how are you" and he replied "good"...my turn...how are you Lori?...I paused and said I'm OK...wish I could say good, but I haven't jumped that obstacle yet...she looked at me, mom to mom, eyes meeting fully and said...I knew I could say "I'm good" when all of a sudden, one day I woke up and it was a beautiful day...the sun was shining and for the first time, my first thought wasn't that of my daughter that I had lost...and I totally understood what she told me...Adam occupies my mind constantly...at first it was the most saddening and gnawing, painful tense pressure...an unrelenting feeling of sadness and loss...with time, precious time, the pain eased and moments passed where our minds actually could focus for short periods on something else...other than thoughts of him...now....three months have passed...and I can go out, I can blend a bit...I can listen and participate in conversations and get lost in theirs...but throughout the day and throughout the night, that same old sadness lurks about us...I talk with Ted who validates he feels the same as well...the ups and downs, our valant efforts to move ahead...and we do...and await the day, I open the shade...to see the sunshine and feel it's warmth on my face...and say "I'm good"...

...today's a college graduation celebration party for one of Adam's friends, one of his best friends...they hung out together since grade school, played baseball and then football together, slept over each other's houses...argued over the same girl one time (beautiful Maggie)...who would take her to the prom...Adam won, Matt forgave...Adam and Matt and Hontz...the three amigos...over the years the bond of friendship they formed was like that of brothers...and Ted and I have always been proud of these boys...and we're proud of Matt's accomplishments being recognized on this day...we know Matt wishes Adam could be here for him today...the empty place will surely we felt at Matt's home...and hopefully Adam's Spirit will always follow his friendships...it's been rough...each day is rough...and I look ahead and wonder what is my next plan? What does God have need of me for? And I await...

June Cleaver....

"There couldn't have been a worse mother for this to happen to....you're different than most other moms, you're more like a t.v. mom he told me"...catching my breath amidst tears...I said "I need you to repeat that...and tell me why you think that"...and he did, with tenderness in his explanation...his words not meant to hurt me...but to point out what he felt that he saw...you're softer hearted...you think more and your mind runs much deeper...and you "see" perfection in all of that around you...sort of like those happy ladies who play the parts of mothers on t.v. And I guess he's sort of right...he also said I would see many "kids" pass through my home over the "many" years that I held my doors wide open...offering my cookies and treats with smiles...and these innocent faces that smiled back sometimes held their own hidden secrets...like he told me...it was all my "wish" for happiness and Peace. Not that any of these kids were terrible, it's not "that" at all...but I saw perfection, never thinking any of them would have "their little hidden secrets" at the time...not knowing the "risks" that they took....but apparently I didn't even know it. And Adam was a GREAT young man...and he didn't hold his secret long, I know that...but my naiveness fogged the clarity of what really occurs in "life" now. Ted and I had a great conversation with an older coach of both my boys yesterday...and he, too, had his clouded moments with the boys he coached....telling us years ago, the boys would simply buy beer and get drunk. It's not like that anymore...nasty stuff happens...a scary world that a mom like me probably couldn't even imagine...and Adam didn't fit in...and it obviously took him......sad faces are everywhere since my son passed...we all can't fathom it...the intensity of such a GREAT heart that stopped beating...and Adam's soul...the most beautiful soul...is reminiscent in our memories now...and that t.v. mom...well, she's been enlightened to the harsh truth of small town secrets...and eyes wide open...still tearful...still unsure of why? But no longer naive...

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together...I saw that quote on a friend's Face book post....and I've been thinking about it ever since...in many ways, I see the truth of that quote...I see that as parents, we teach and guide our children so that when they reach that age of maturity...we release them and let them fly...yet always remain there as their "safety net" so they won't plummet downward, if they start to fall...and in social situations...we tend to "adjust ourselves" or act like we believe "what people" are saying...whether we agree or not...as to simply "fit in" with the norm....and yes, it's also true that many of us experience that "wake-up" moment that we see things tangled all around us...and it's either seek change or face doom...but with losing Adam...I await what could be the "falling together"...losing him made all of those who loved him....unravel...how do you rebuild such a great loss...how can things ever be as they were...they cannot...
We, those who loved him who are left behind with our emptiness...are desperately learning to readjust...and it's not only I, the saddened mother who's facing this quest...it's so many those lives he touched...in so many ways...I will take all that I've learned from Adam with me...in my heart...in my soul...and the goodness he possessed will always be cherished and remembered...and shared...and although I will never see the reason...I will accept that it happened and that through me...his memory will go on forever....

"stuck"

...over the past three months, something we've discussed quite frequently, my grief therapist and I is the fact some people who've lost a child (or sometimes a spouse or sibling) get "stuck"...they neither move forward or backward...they exist...some move a bit laterally...many adapt to be able to "go through the motions"...and she knew that I knew this...my background and my instincts had made me see this even before I lost my son...my heart would break when I would see another mother who'd lost her child. How can you not have full and utter compassion for her? Her grief...the agony she feels...it doesn't leave...it's not like the loss of an item that can be replaced...this is human life...and each person lost was an extremely large piece of love and life taken away from that parent...and the torturous part is that she and I must figure out how to go on without them...our loved one. There's a woman who has been going to a bereavement group I attend...and she's been there for three years...and until last week....she hadn't the strength to state that her son had died...almost seems unbelievable...but you see...she was "stuck"...her grief overwhelmed her. To get "unstuck"...well that was on my mind almost immediately, perhaps because I had heard the stories of moms like her...God Bless her...it make you wonder if she had no one...no support...her circle of friends may not have existed...did she possess Faith? I won't ever know...but being alone is probably the worst thing a parent can do while going through this. Thank God my house has always been bustling with activity and other people's energy...that was what helped pull us up...to go for lunch, coffee with friends, visits to my home...all well received, too. I love being with people...it's odd how many people stated "we thought you needed space...time alone"....in my bereavement book that I plan on writing, well...that's something I will strongly discourage...unless that person was always a "loner"...being alone is the worst. Being around lots of good people has been therapeutic...all of those things have kept me from being "stuck"...mind you...I am sad most of the time, but those close to me can see the little, gradual changes...many pieces of "old Lori" are s-l-o-w-l-y coming back...and it's okay that it's taking it's time...I wouldn't want it any other way...yes, our family desire to be the people we always were is a goal that we strive for...Adam wouldn't want me to "remain in place or become stagnent"...I talk about him, often and with loving thoughts...the efforts I put forth in his scholarship fund and my future book...all keep his memory alive...even people who haven't lost a child can become "stuck"...I see that...perhaps they, too feel like life threw them some hard curves...they, too need to look at the worst case scenario and then reflect back on where they are...is it really that bad? Funny thing is Ted and I could always do that in life...we knew what was good...we took the bad days and made them the best we could...I know Adam's death wasn't a wake-up call to us...we plan to live like we did before...with goodness and a plan to always do what's right...to work on staying "unstuck" and to help others along the way...on our path to finding our smiles and laughter again...around the bend....
p.s. "No matter how sad you are today, happiness and laughter and even joy are distinct possibilities for tomorrow..."

memory quilt....

....Nana Helmer has shown great efforts lately...to be supportive. This isn't her area...she's never been sentimental...and at first...with your passing...I don't think the depth of what really happened...was absorbed fully by her...
I'd been her rock, always and forever... helping her through her losses through the years...through her parents passing to her sibling's death and now we face together...the loss of you, Adam. She must have been thinking extra hard...because she called me the other day and offered me her sewing machine...at first I wondered...what would I do with that? And shortly thereafter, thoughts and ideas that she stirred in my mind surfaced...she said "maybe it would occupy your thoughts in a different way"...you could make different things...and maybe you could put it in Adam's room, and as you sew, you'd be in his room with pleasant thought of him...and maybe you could make a memory quilt" with pieces of Adam's favorite clothes...and the more I pondered her idea...the more I thought I could do it...and what comfort I would find putting my hands into something that would further memorialize you....as a child, I would often sit on the floor aside my mom, as she sewed on her machine...I was proud of her and what she could do with her needle and thread...and the pieces of cloth she'd embellish with buttons and bows...the things I would proudly wear...the outfits she'd make for my Barbies...she found comfort at that machine...and now she's trying to share it with me, her daughter...big steps in support...and I'm proud that she made that step...for me...for you...and I'm going to create that memory quilt...and when I complete it, I will cover myself at night in little pieces of all the wonderful memories each portion of fabric holds...each holds a special story of "you"

The times that I feel the calmest...are when I walk at the lake, for some reason...I feel a sense of Peace...sometimes I walk alone...yet I feel like you're with me...I told your dad last night that each time I cross the breast of the lake, the same red-winged black bird seems to trace my foot steps...his chatter can be heard as we watches me from the limbs of an evergreen...it also seems the same beautiful butterfly also journeys alongside me...regal and light, he flutters by us...and Hazel simply watches his careless flight...the sounds I hear are that of nature at it's finest...the water lapping against the rocks at the shore...the distinct sounds from the multitude of birds flying around me...the gentle breeze...the soft noises of my feet passing through the leaves...calm...and my mind opens to thoughts of us...thoughts of you...filling my heart and my mind...Peace...wishing and praying that with each day you're in a place filled with just that...peacefulness and calm...and I continue on my own journey...of self-healing...trying to stop those unending questions that fill my mind...and pray...the unending prayers that there had been a reason for your departure...and pray for patience...to know that someday, we'll be together again and my questions will be answered...Peace....calm...those are what I yearn for...

late start today...but the busy nature of the day was probably the best therapy for me..."my Lisa" and our colleagues recruited me into helping "set-up" for a basket bingo event...we'd planned this months ago...to raise funds to develop a scholarship fund in memory of dear Linda, our Hospice social worker who passed away in an automobile accident just before the New Year...New Year's...seems so far back...I still had Adam then...I still had my normal life....still had laughs, smiles, hopes and dreams...although shaken by Linda's loss...and quite saddened for her family. I remember thinking about each one of them when she died...I thought of her husband...her loving children...she, like me, would come to the office with smiles and stories of Leah and George...and she'd listen as I'd talk about my two guys...now Linda and I...are alike in other ways...her family is longing for her...and we long for our departed Adam...and when Adam passed...an almost immediate thought surfaced...thinking that it would be Linda's warm embrace welcoming my son into Heaven's gates...so many good people died way too young...and it's on us now to wonder how and why?

I was angry today...and my heart hurt more than ever...the pressure...the unfathomable discomfort...again we wonder...what were you thinking Adam? What could have possibly possessed you to do what you did...to risk EVERYTHING and loose it all...but you're not here...and it's US who's left without anything...the emptiness...the unanswered questions...the infinite sadness...the longing and hopelessness...life is so precious...and you'd been my gift...I always valued you and so did your dad...there is nothing we wouldn't have done for you...through the years...we'd hear others (thankfully not often), who didn't even like their kids...or who would complain unstoppably about the annoyances their kids had been...you see, we never felt that way...we loved you...we enjoyed you...we welcomed your uniqueness...there are SO many things I am missing...simple things, like the sound of your voice...I miss talking to you...and it pains me beyond comprehension to realize I will never hear your voice again...or your laughter...I miss sitting outdoors with you...laughing at Hazel...I miss watching you...and the way you'd interact with others...I miss watching you sleep...the peaceful breaths you'd take...who is ever ready to part with a piece of themselves? A piece of me...a piece of your father...our love...our creation...we valued you...and I don't want to be angry...yet I am...

hugs....

Dearest Adam...
Yesterday morning was your first Mass...8 a.m. and there were about twenty five people present in McGinley Hall...more than a usual week-day Mass...Lisa was there waiting for me when I walked in...there to hold my hand through the service...there to hug me afterwards...I reflect on those hugs...and the many hugs I received over the past 13 weeks...endless hugs...all warm and sincere...to me, hugs are like medicine...there still are no words to "right" the situation...and sadness will loom in the shadows your passing has created...but hugs...how therapeutic...I probably hugged and kissed you and Jordan more than I can even truthfully admit...the beautiful little sons I had...I would often look at you both with complete and utter love and fascination and hold you both till you'd grow weary of all my affection and squirm away...your hugs had been notorious...the envy of all my friends, some would even rival for your hugs...warm and loving...your big arms would envelope us and hold us with that same sincerity that I felt when I hugged you, as a child...and that soft and gentle smile...I knew you loved to hug people...such an easy way to self express...medicine...your hugs were just that...and you'd hug everybody...you were known for those hugs...The Blue Nana isn't a hugger...she often laughs about it...Jordan is sort of like that, too...and it's okay...we are all different and the love we possess is all very similar, although we release it differently...last night Jordan hugged me "goodnight" and I swear he put more into that hug than he ever did in his life...and I felt his love...I felt his love