lost....

 ....It's June 10th, 2021, it's been a long time since I've written down my thoughts but after a phone call from a person who shares similar grief stories told me my words had helped her, it encouraged me to write on.  I am a grief survivor, a master in it actually and not by choice.  Either I try or give up....I don't want to give in...so I will continue.  I lost another brother to suicide at the end of August 2019...although I rarely saw him and cannot pretend we were close, the magnitude of his decision to take away his own life not only affected him, but all of those around him...I never met anyone else who lost both their brothers to something as brutal and finalizing as suicide.  My parents reeled in sadness...I watched them age rapidly after that one....then within 6 months of this a terrible pandemic appeared.  My mom was so fearful of Covid, she'd listen to the news & cry quietly about the restrictions and the isolation it put between she and I....my dad made the best...but from my visits to their window, I could see the sadness that his old blue eyes held....the vaccine didn't come quick enough, by November 2020 the facility where they lived was hit hard with the Corona Virus and when it hit my father, all we could do was pray....pray that he would overcome this and that my mom would be ok,  Covid-free....He was diagnosed on Friday the 13th...of November.  He was up and down in a cycle of healing and sickness, by November 23rd he was dying and I was informed, my mom was positive on that day and it was she who died three days later.  I stood in their room with an N-95 mask on and garbed from head to toe in PPE, unrecognizable as I held onto both their hands between their twin beds alternating in saying "I love you and good bye"...so six months later, I ask why?  Why did so many bad things happen in my life?  I miss my son....I miss having two brothers, I miss my parents...and although I know they were aging, the enormity of losing them both at the same time...I have so many questions when God and I meet one day.  I pray I will always be unshakable in my Faith. I pray for strength and I pray I will always be a light to at least someone....