Friday, July 30, 2010
....every morning I sit with my cup of Joe and think...I always have, even before this happened to us, I'd make coffee and sit at the computer and try and collect myself and my thoughts for the day...I'd often hear the stir of Adam downstairs...he'd frequently come up for a hug and tease me that all I do is drink coffee...we'd laugh...I'd get ready for work...he'd get ready for bed. We ran on two very different time schedules...he was a night owl...he enjoyed working late and then staying up, he found amusement in late night t.v and infomercials...and he'd "buy into" anything those commercials would say, that makes me smile...because he'd be so argumentative in other areas...part of his charm was the bits of boyhood nature that he never seemed to shake...he was so comforting...and easy. I think that was another facet that made him approachable, warm and welcoming...he never stopped remembering how he, himself was going through the awkward times in life...he made people feeling awkward feel good...he made older people feel that the stories they told him were magnificent...he was charming and sweet and I could easily forgive him minutes after I wanted to shake him...that boyish charm....he never had the chance to fall in love...marry or have those little Adam's he warned me about...and I can't help but be certain that he would have been an amazing father...an attentive husband...life was too short...my heart breaks when I sit and think...about the things he didn't get to know or experience...Adam silently doubted himself...I know this...I know he had little insecurities...I think Adam projected positivity towards everyone else...and inside he felt less secure...he used to tell me he wished he knew what he could do...or be...I'd cheer him on, I'd rally behind any idea he had...I knew his greatness...his effervescence...I'm still here...he's not. I'm empty...so's my coffee cup...but I'm trying...to refill my heart with joy...it's just so darn hard.