Broken Social Scene - Pacific Theme

This one's for Adam and Earl...enjoy

....every morning I sit with my cup of Joe and think...I always have, even before this happened to us, I'd make coffee and sit at the computer and try and collect myself and my thoughts for the day...I'd often hear the stir of Adam downstairs...he'd frequently come up for a hug and tease me that all I do is drink coffee...we'd laugh...I'd get ready for work...he'd get ready for bed. We ran on two very different time schedules...he was a night owl...he enjoyed working late and then staying up, he found amusement in late night t.v and infomercials...and he'd "buy into" anything those commercials would say, that makes me smile...because he'd be so argumentative in other areas...part of his charm was the bits of boyhood nature that he never seemed to shake...he was so comforting...and easy. I think that was another facet that made him approachable, warm and welcoming...he never stopped remembering how he, himself was going through the awkward times in life...he made people feeling awkward feel good...he made older people feel that the stories they told him were magnificent...he was charming and sweet and I could easily forgive him minutes after I wanted to shake him...that boyish charm....he never had the chance to fall in love...marry or have those little Adam's he warned me about...and I can't help but be certain that he would have been an amazing father...an attentive husband...life was too short...my heart breaks when I sit and think...about the things he didn't get to know or experience...Adam silently doubted himself...I know this...I know he had little insecurities...I think Adam projected positivity towards everyone else...and inside he felt less secure...he used to tell me he wished he knew what he could do...or be...I'd cheer him on, I'd rally behind any idea he had...I knew his greatness...his effervescence...I'm still here...he's not. I'm empty...so's my coffee cup...but I'm trying...to refill my heart with joy...it's just so darn hard.

A night like tonight...summer heat...starry sky...lightening bugs and noisy street...cars going by...the activity of a typical July evening...I told Teddy I just think I need to see Adam out on the deck...smoking a ciggie and people driving by beeping their horns at him...he'd always nod and wave...big smiles...if I try...I can almost envision that picture in my mind...because I saw it so many times before. I still can't believe he's gone...time is passing by and I am missing him more...we know the reality of where he is...but I'm trying to hold onto thoughts like that to help me get through these rough times...

...Martin Luther King's widow once said that the greatness of a community is most accurately measured by the compassionate actions of its members...I can certainly relate to that as through our situation...the community did it's best to help us with nothing but support and compassion...in the aftermath of our loss...and striving toward healing, I see that I tend to be defensive at times...this is something I've never seen in my character before...or at least not often. I visualize myself as defending actions that I might choose to take now...that might be different than I normally would have chosen before. I don't want to be defensive...I guess as a mom I want everyone to know how loving my son was...how we wish we'd been able to help him...how we longed for someone to direct us then when we didn't know or see what Adam's new secret had become...and we shouldn't have to defend the not knowing part...sometimes in life, kids get good at hiding things they don't want others to discover...in this time now...I just want to surround myself in things that feel good...like the comfort we feel when we come home after a long, hard day...the soothing feeling of soft jeans and and tee-shirt...the feeling of bare feet on carpeting...hearing the voices in your home of those who love you...the warmth of freshly brewed coffee as you savor that first sip...that's what I yearn for now. No explanations...no expected time frames of when our life will return to normal...because that's a date we'll never be able to predict...and doubtful it shall ever be....you see for us, nothing's normal...so I guess I need to accept in others...that unless you've lost a child...you'll never fathom my pain...unless you've walked in my shoes...you'll never know the weight that lies upon my back as I struggle to walk through each new day...and when someone doesn't understand the depth of what happened to me...I'll tell them...how much do you love your child? As they look at me with seriousness...I'll reply...well, that's how much I loved Adam...and I think it helps them understand my loss...my tremendous loss

...I look back and think of all the days and months I've lost track of...the way my mind went on hiatus...to shield me from the excruciating pain of the horrible thing that happened to me...to us. Slowly...I've awakened from that bad dream...and realized the magnitude of reality...and now face a new world...this new life...the one that was chosen for me...it's not an easy task...trying to go back and be the me that everyone remembers...I asked Ted if we're going be okay...if we can ever be happy again? He looked at me...with expressive big blue eyes, just like his son's eyes...tearfully sincere...he told me we'll never forget any of this...or anything of what we had...but someday we'll find some sort of "happy" again...I love you Ted

my week-end was actually a little better...last week was terrible. It was probably a mixture of longing for my Adam and not having Jordan here with us...coupled with the arrival of his tombstone...I know it's never going to be easy...I know the way I feel will always live deeply inside my heart...but I do see I need to stay strong and part of being strong involves a strong support system...without that...any structure would fall apart...and I do feel the support that is holding me up...
no one abandons us...Jordan's recent smiles uplift our days a little more...and thankfully, I have Ted's unconditional love...even when no one else in the whole world knows what I'm feeling inside...all I have to do is look into his blue eyes and I see those same emotions that I am holding inside of me...I used to ask God...quite often...how could I be so Blessed? With him giving me Teddy...my handsome sons who I adored beyond words...and a life of happiness and contentment? I would tell people...often...I am Blessed...and then in February the Blessings were broken? The words that people tell us "heaven needed another angel...or God doesn't give you what you can't handle" doesn't make any sense...unless you're in my situation, they are idle words that don't provide explanation or comfort. What does give me comfort? I do see that being around friends helps immensely...knowing we're not alone...sometimes someone out of the blue will send a note or message...just knowing Adam's not forgotten...and that we, his family are still thought about...

decided that I may need to blog less...finding this too difficult at times...too many memories...makes me way too sad...

I saved items from my kid's past...I wish I could have saved more...but what forty four yr. old mom thinks she's going to need them to cherish in times like these? I found a story Adam wrote the other day...it was about the adventures of one of his best friends and living here, on the "Hill"...a self proclaimed "Hill Rat"...Adam could embellish tales and make people gather...a visual of an Adam tale would involve him having people pull chairs around as he'd entertain them with his magical voice. The bellow of his laughter could be heard around the block...even as a youngster, he'd tell tales...he also held interest in hearing other's stories...and I truly enjoyed hearing his...I feel like I know so many of his friends much better than they'd even know I did...because he loved to talk about his friends...all in a good light...always with love...I wish I would have recorded those tales...I wish I would have had him sing more often to me...I wish I could have done so much more...told him so much more...those who are faced with sudden death are withheld from knowing or doing any of those things...because we think we have a lifetime...but truly, what defines a lifetime?

Yesterday was such a rough day...it's become really unpredictable...what day is going to punch me in the gut harder that the one before...and the unfairness of what we must accept with each new day...even the ways people look at us...or choose not to look at us...those who avoid us know because of the awkwardness they feel or think we're going to feel...my heart was racing by noon yesterday...I am placed into uncomfortable situations now...I realize some are for my own good...while others are just too difficult....I went to the canal at lunchtime and tried to pray...sometimes a quiet moment is what I need most...to recollect myself...my thoughts...my direction...and I gave in...picked up the cell to hear a cheerful voice on the other end...making me feel like it's going to be alright, that unending love...from sources I'd never imagined...
I wonder how strong the Lord thinks I am...so many others tell me they doubt they'd weather the storm that God is leading me through...I have those dark and dismal moments...but I don't know what to do...living now is simply trying to breathe...trying to live on without a vital organ...my damaged heart pumps extra hard to circulate "feelings" through my body...the numbness is still there...faintly... but it still exists...

the misty rain...adds a layer of coolness onto the heat of the day...a bit of gray fog surrounds us as we bow our heads to pray...you have a tombstone now...and as I kneel to talk with you, I can look at the stone which bears your name...and face...and the engraved guitar offset to the right...dad tells me it's now up to you...to play it for all of those around you in your new home...the music of an angel...may God Bless you as you rest eternal...may God ease the pain...just abit...so we can breathe a little easier as days pass...

Dear Adam...
I think of you every moment of every day...and as I was driving along today...listening to the music on the satellite radio in my car, it seemed each song played made me think of memories of you...millions of thoughts circulate through my head but today I kept thinking of how you looked at the world around you...like no other person I had ever met. How does one visualize our imperfect world? I've met those in my lifetime that wore rose tinted glasses...not seeing the imperfections all around, or perhaps they just chose to pretend the imperfections were no longer existent...and others I'd met seemed to wear magnified lenses...to intensify the imperfections they found and would carelessly point out...and those...that lived looking through a microscope...fearful of the chances they might have to take...others live while looking through the long scope of the telescope...seeing things far ahead of them...futuristic...I think that might be how you saw me...and sadly, there are those who wear blinders and miss the joy and beauty that is emerging all around them...you Adam, I think you looked at life through the lens of a kaleidoscope...you'd shake it up and look through the eye piece and see magnificence that no one else could imagine...and you took that magnificence and shared it...to others...the smile you wore was as bright as sunshine...your laughter a happy sound...beautiful and melodic...since you passed...the stars in the sky have lost their luster...the rainbow lacks a color or two...the glimmer of the moon has dulled and the dazzle we felt for life has paled...your kaleidoscope of colors brightened our world...will anybody else be able to bring back the colors that your passing took away?..........
p.s. never have I seen a smile as radiant as yours...

I Don't Want to Be - Gavin DeGraw

this one reminds me of the way you and Jordan lived...to be yourselves...never trying to "be" anyone else...I miss you...I miss your unique ways...you weren't like anyone else...

Aimee Mann & Michael Penn - Two of Us

you and me...the two of us....

Xavier Rudd - Love comes and goes

for you...my loving son...not a moment in time goes on without thoughts of you...

missing Jordan....

it's an unusual week for me, because I'm missing Jordan big-time...since Adam's passing, it was he who was the "constant" thing in our home, I feel lost without him although I am truly happy he's spending some time away...with friends...this trip was planned many months ago...way before Adam's passing affected our lives forever...and it was Adam...who was supposed to join them...Adam loved going away...Adam basically loved any new adventure. He made going to random convenience stores along the journey a fun act...my mind is filled with memories of his adventures...the things he'd want to try...the unique sense of humor that made the trip much more enjoyable...together, my two sons completed me...completed us...it'll be five months tomorrow...my strength finally strong enough to explore a few items from his past...I found some beautiful pictures on his computer...and ironically, some had been vacation pics from our family travels...others are of me and Ted and his brother...happy times...just like any other normal family...only ours isn't normal anymore...I hope as Jordan walks on the sandy beaches...Adam walks alongside of him...and if he's staring into the blanket of black velvety sky filled with lustrous stars...I hope it's Adam's spirit within the brightest star...I hope Jordan's friends give him the loving support he needs...and that he continues to heal through his quiet time away...
God was Great to me when he gave me my two sons...my heart is heavy with my loss...but deep inside I know what a amazing boy I had...along with the remarkable son I have still...in my son Jordan....

hearts....

My mantra continues to be "keep your heart open" and I have honestly been trying to live up to that one...each day I continue to try to focus on the positive ways my son lived and loved his life...I was walking a few weeks ago along the old train tracks in our historic section of town...Ted and Hazel by My side when I happened to look down and see a little paper heart...it was in a tiny plastic case and it was of Victorian design...probably from one of the gift shoppes nearby...a tourist must have dropped it...I picked it up and smiled....thinking perhaps Adam threw me a heart from Heaven...and I kept in in my purse to look at and think of him...he always put hearts around the notes or CD's he'd make for me....think of the simplistic nature of a hand drawn heart...but such magnitude in it's meaning...he always associated me with hearts...and love...and yesterday I was walking Hazel by myself in the serene wooded path behind the old cemetery on the hill...there would be absolutely no reason imaginable to discover shells on that trail...no reason at all yet I happened to look down and what did I see? A beautiful seashell in the shape of a heart...I picked it up and shook of the dirt and began to cry....big alligator tears....my shirt dampened from my cry...and when I got home, I couldn't wait to show Ted the newest item for my collection of hearts...my own heart pains me so...but my willfulness is to find inside of it....Peace and comfort someday....
p.s. if people do believe in angels and there signs...then I believe Adam was sending me these items...because the heart-shaped shell that had no reason to be in the woods...I had many loving memories of he and I collecting shells on the beach from our past....and the I love you note...it's words simply state: Keep this simple paper heart close to you, it will remind you that you are loved all year through...he would have written that to me if he could have...

the watch....

my watch stopped...it was the last present Adam gave me on Christmas morning...he was so anxious to give it to me, wrapped in a pretty gift bag...his eyes smiling as he watched me open it and immediately put it on my left wrist...he knew by my expression that I loved it...I needed a new watch and he always paid attention when I said things...and when it was a special occasion, he's know what to buy me...always something that was well-thought and special...just like Adam to do something like that...that's how he treated life...with a special touch...I proudly wore that watch everyday...and when I took the pulses of my patients...it was that watch I used...it was that watch that helped me count the minutes of an expiring patient...it alerted me to when my shift was through...and when I would be seeing him come through the doors, after his shift was completed...the watch now is broken...it stopped working in the wee hours of this morning...and I think about time...and how many hours, weeks and months have whirled by us...and that the watch wasn't used nearly as much...because time wasn't an issue anymore...not like it was. Life took long pauses with Adam's departure...Ted and I talked about that this morning when I realized time had stopped...at least on my watch...and life goes on...as it should for everyone else...and we realized we need to continue to take our time...to deal with the sorrow that ensues...
speaking with kind people validates that taking my own personal time is what I feel better about...not trying to raise my own expectations to meet someone else's expectations of me...I hear others bumble about their minuscule problems and it's as annoying as bees buzzing in the background...I just want to shout "hey...you're issues are little" ..."I lost my heart"...yet I don't...nor will I...but I will take my time...coming back...at my pace...I've tucked that watch away...I think I'll buy another and treasure the one Adam bought me seven months ago...in my jewelry chest...next to the broken charms....

The Yankees Bob Sheppard introduces Derek Jeter

Ronan Tynan Sings God Bless America At Yankee Stadium

Jason Mraz -The Remedy (I Won't Worry)

Garrett Gue - Sugar

eyes are the window to your soul...you can tell so much from looking at someone and staring into their eyes...as a mom, I could tell when my boys were fibbing...or felt nervous...the tricky things our eyes do...I could see when they were upset...saddened...or the best observation...when they'd be happy...their eyes would sparkle...and the corners would squint upward as their big smiles almost pushed their eyes up even further...happy, joyous smiles...I always talk with my eyes...so did my boys...people simply knew "us" as happy folks...I'd always look at people when I'd talk and I see that my kids did this, too...to make others feel like what they're telling us....is important....and it always was. Some people I've noticed...have been looking away when they talk to me...others sometimes keep looking away...I wonder if it's that they think they'll cry, too...if they look into my eyes too deeply?

priceless.....

I've found strength in people I would have never envisioned...is there different kind of support found in those who know me less? I ponder that over and over...and I still wonder what makes these younger people "find" me...or how they seem to know what to say to me while others are lost for words...I look back on me, being young, 20 or there about...I would have never had the courage to stop in on a family I knew during their loss...I lost a few friends after high school, tragically, it was due to car accidents...the one boy was one of my best friends...he was sweet, caring and kind to me and all of our other friends, I sat by him in a few classes...he had an El Camino and would give me rides to school in the morning...he had this fascination with cars...when he passed...it was sudden and unanticipated death...complete and utter turmoil for his family...he had just graduated months before and was away at college when this horrible event occurred...so his family was reeling in the same realization as us...how can you see your son at breakfast one morning and that night, you find he's gone? Like us, that's probably what they thought, too....they had private services...so we, his friends, didn't get that closure of saying good-bye or paying our respects...I thought about his parents...his sister who became an only child like Jordan...I remember how much those siblings loved each other too...I wish I would have visited them...I wish I could have told his sister the many times he'd talk about her, with endearing smiles...a proud older brother's stories...he told tales of mischief and fun...of their years of growing up together....and I still think of him from time to time...and always with smiles and happy thoughts...I hope Adam's friends relate to what I am remembering with my old friend...perhaps Adam and he met already in Heaven....I guess with today's writing, I'm professing how my weakness then.... prevented me from sharing the beauty I saw in my friend...my inability then....prohibited myself to "be there" for another family...the card I sent and the flowers delivered were nice....but it wasn't enough...through the years I've learned much...more thought of are the times shared with kindness...perhaps a listening ear...a hand to hold, a hug to give...the kids who continue to drop by do just that...there's no monetary price...because what they give us...is priceless....

Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg

Jonah Smith World Without Love

Where the angels live....

Where are we? What are all of those things? The many questions of a two year old...she held onto my hand tonight as Ted and I took her to the place where the angels live...what do you tell a little girl who asks those questions as we're walking through the cemetery to visit our angel? Jordan has become great friends with a lovely girl who has a two year old daughter who seems taken with us...perhaps we're like extra aunt and uncle figures to her...and it's soothing to be distracted through her many, many questions...it made sense to tell her "this is where the angels live", because that's how we see it...we don't visualize it as a scary place...we feel a sense of calm when we visit...we remain to be the only guests visiting most of the time, it's Peaceful and serene...I'm able to pray and talk with my son...the things I would normally tell him...I say now in prayers...the questions about all of the tombstones...I read her the names and told her each one signifies who is who in the angel department and that the most special angel to me is named Adam...her tiny hands folded...her little head bowed as we prayed for my son...I wonder if he sees me...if he knows how I miss him...how much I loved him...that each day I devote a huge part of myself to memorializing his beautiful memory....Adam lives with angels...Adam lives in my heart....

Dashboard Confessional - Hell On The Throat

....can a bereaved nurse...whose heart is still broken...ease the pains and minister to others going through grief themselves? That's what I'm trying to uncover...last night I asked my brother-in-law that same question, you see...he's a Hospice chaplain...and a long time minister....his Faith is strong and his intellect high...he's easy to listen to...he's also the only one who made sense out of my brother's situation...at least to me...his reasoning for why Spinner was in Heaven with God made sense...those unending questions I posed...answered simply with soothing words that comfort me still...that God didn't call Spinner...but He welcomed him anyway....well, this situation is different. Old Lori, in a busy work scenario would roll sleeves up and dig into work like "there's no tomorrow"....yet now, in my life, it seems like there's no tomorrow....will tomorrow ever the joyous event we used to look forward to? What's there now, at this point to await with anxiousness? I miss yesterdays....I miss "old Lori"....it felt saddening yesterday to succumb to know I'm not the same shining face I was...will I ever be? And so many people feel compelled to remind me that I'll never be the same...if the last person who told me that sentence knew how many others said that same thing....they'd take it back as not to break my heart any further. Of course my brother-in-law couldn't answer my question...of course he wouldn't want to determine my happiness or unhappiness should he prompt me with the wrong idea or decision and I respect that...soul searching...that's what I've been doing...and talking with Ted...perhaps I should frost cakes...or design floral arrangements....or sell my soups? Is there anything else out there for me? The job I did the best is Hell on my heart, at least it felt that way yesterday. But I did make it through....patients got good care...I cried intermittently in my car. I guess I need an bowling ball to hit me on the head to prompt the right path...or decision....tomorrow....what lies ahead....Lord lead me the way...

Mondays...the start of another week...little obstacles to overcome...as I continue to take small steps in this process...I watch Jordan and saw in him sadness beyond belief over the past months that consumed us with Adam's passing...and recently some of that sadness has lifted...in him I see tiny glimpses of happiness...with so many loving souls keeping watch ore' our family, and the formation of a new relationship...a school friend of Adam's came to visit us...to sit with us...and console us over the past month or so...and her being here, in our home...with her kindness...well it sort of sparked a relationship between she and Jordan...and her presence makes him smile...to see the corners of his mouth curl once again...to watch his eyes twinkle with a different emotion...it warms my heart...some people truly don't know how special a sibling can be...I'm one who'll admit I wasn't close with mine...I struggle some days with remembering those fond memories that some others had...Mind you, I've had some, but the years that separated me and my siblings probably played the primary role in us not being really close...My brother who passed was probably the sibling whose love I felt the most...he was almost 11 yrs. older than me...and he had his share of troubled years...battling addictions and battling demons that seemed to follow him...but when he was with me, his heart would melt and I could feel the love he held inside his heart for me...I think about him more often these days...with Adam's passing...I think more deeply about everything...and again, hold Hope that he's with Adam and that life eternal is all that we Hope for...and that Adam continues to provide Peace...to his brother Jordan...I know it was Adam who sent this special young lady to comfort Jordan...Jordan knows it, too...again, my heart breaks that the dynamic duo that had been my sons are not together now...it's so life changing...so harsh...difficult to fathom...and each day I face the brutal fact that my life will never be the same....

p.s. on a happier note...I've discovered that to be like one's siblilng, you need not be related at all...for you see, Ted and I have been Blessed with a special few who filled that role completely, I would feel lost without Janie and Harry, or "my Lisa" and my newest special friend Brenda...they have gone beyond any expectations of friendship...and I do know if my sister didn't live hundreds of miles away, she'd be here...with me...trying to pick up the pieces of my broken puzzle with me, too...

I sat in church this morning...like I do every week, praying my heart out...praying for emotional relief...Peace...and understanding. And it helps, prayers...there's really nothing more I can do...except pray...and keep busy and hold onto Hope.
The responsorial Psalm was "Turn to the Lord in your need, and you will live"....I kept thinking about that...I did cling to God...and feel if I hadn't kept that love or devotion to my Faith...I'd be so far behind in my healing...Faith is so important...if you lose Faith, you having nothing left...so I'll hold onto that forever.....

Blue eyes...big...expressive...deep...were filled with laughter...eyes that danced with delight as you spoke...
Blonde, wavey hair...that shined in the summer sun...
laughter...loud and bellowing...making anyone near you... stop and smile...
Kindness and love...spread to all those around you...
big, strong arms...easily embraced others...with a willingness to please like no one else...
tales...continue to be told...of the secret kindness you passed to others...
the heart made of gold...
the music still plays...with songs that remind us of you...
and there are others...we see in the distance that resemble you...and we pause...and hold our breathe 'til we realize we'll not see you anymore...
memories...are filled with your voice...the sounds of the songs you sang...the echo of your harmonica can still be heard in the sounds of the wind...if you listen hard enough...
and each day brings with it...remembrances of your love...we all feel it...
it may be a sound...a smell...a vision ahead...a thought of better times...
we learned to cherish memories like we never knew was possible...of someone who was loved beyond words...may the memory of your legacy...live on eternally....

Embrace change even if you want to run from it...I felt like running...ever since you passed...I want to flee from things...although less often now...and I do see that time has made things like that sort of dissipate...s-l-o-w-l-y....but there are still those days where I wish I could simply run away or perhaps be somewhere that no one knew me...or knew the sadness of my story...I guess I'm fearful of those moments....of sudden tears...or the thought of when that first person will ask me..."how many kids do you have"...or the thought of their face when I tell someone I recently lost you...
I used to hear older people tell me..."this is hard work, getting old"...and I'd laugh...now I want to scream..."this is hard work...dealing with the loss of my son"...I'd give all I had to discover the Peace I need to feel...and there's no time frame for that discovery...just lots of prayers filled with Hope that each day will lighten this weight off my chest...the tears continue...I just loved you that much...

Carpe diem....seize the day...Adam made the most of each day...always...bringing laughter and joy to all of those around him...there's very few pictures where his beautiful smile isn't gleaming...we sat on the deck last night...again...many of us...remembering Adam... Earl brought me to tears with his deep and thoughtful reflections...how can we keep Adam's spirit alive so his name and memory live on? It's something we, who loved him...desire to have happen...forever...that his name would be synonymous with joy...
I struggle each day...but make it through...telling myself the life Adam did have was filled with happiness...and I do believe that he did seize each moment...and made the most of what he could...and easily loved...lived...and enjoyed each waking moment to the best of his capabilities...he knew how to have fun...he knew how to make anytime...the best times...he was contagious...in a wonderful way...I hope we figure out a way to make him live in many hearts and minds...forever....

I happened so see that one of Adam's closest friends left him a message on the wall of his Face book page...a reference to jukeboxes...and it made my thoughts travel back to Adam and the dawn of his fascination with jukeboxes...his intrigue with music...I guess it all originated from Teddy's dad...what a wonderful man he was, one of the finest I ever knew...he had a little radio the resembled a jukebox and he'd pull Adam and Jordan upon his lap...even as early as infants and play the old time rock and roll music...and as they grew...they'd continue to climb up on his lap and listen to all of Pop's favorite songs...and Teddy and I...well....we loved music, too...so much that we created a way to put the kids to sleep with it...back in the late 80's, ownership of a CD player was a cool thing...and thanks to good old Pop, we had one, too...and we'd put Bruce Springsteen and U2's music in and they'd be in their little beds singing to the music...we'd stand at the bottom of the steps listening to their sweet little voices sing along and they knew all of the lyrics...or they'd be pretty close...as they grew up...music still took a top focus in the boy's lives, but especially with Adam...he seemed to eat...breath....live music....and when we'd go anywhere that a jukebox would be, he'd fill it with quarters and eagerly press the buttons to add in his favorite songs...he really got a kick out of the old time jukebox at the Sunrise Diner...the old songs from the 50's and 60's...he used to sneak out late on hot summer nights and go down town to the diner to eat with his older buddies...I learned of this in later years! All fun times of an active teen-ager...most recently, Adam's musical genre was targeted towards honkie tonk...old hill-billy country...I guess he would have loved to get to Nashville someday, hang out in a smokey old club and hit up the jukebox there...and I smile as I can easily envision that sight...and if there's a jukebox in Heaven, Adam's probably leaning against it, with a harmonica cupped in his hands...playing along...play a song for me Adam....make it a Bruce Springsteen one and I'll sing along, too...

I felt pieces of me return yesterday...and that talk with the psychologist was extremely helpful...it allowed me to see...beyond anyone else's view or expectations that I am where I am supposed to be...at this point in "my" personal healing process...some may read my blog and cry along, tears of sadness from the words I place poignantly upon each post...but as sad as those tales are...equally healing have they been...they are not to be misconstrued as "me"...being a depressed mom...they are meant to show that a mom like me...goes through cycles of the healing process...that tears and sorrow are normal...again, those who haven't experienced loss as great as this...have difficulty encompassing how long a process this will be...and it shall follow Ted and I and Jordan til we, too....meet out fate someday.
Every time I ask God to help me...he sends me someone in the form of an angelic friend...sometimes others don't know what to say...or do...and that's alright...because there have been so many unexpected angels who do and say all the right things...and I am grateful...truly grateful....with love and sincerity I write this...thank God for sending me abundant love...sometimes from the least expected sources....p.s. Adam's music came full circle in the end...after all the changes his musical taste encountered over the years...in the end, he ended up loving what his Pop originated with...

Oh Adam....everyone moves at a different pace...everything I do, I do with thoughts of how I can continue...to feel better...with oncoming days...to always put you in a positive light...and a way of remembering every little fascinating thing about you...for the rest of my life...I met with a psychologist today, someone who comes monthly now to our office, to address the grief needs of the Hospice staff...I poured my heart out to her...and it's she, who specializes in sudden death...sudden grief...stuff like I dealt with...when you left me...nothing I said surprised her...it felt good to talk...to express...to discuss my concerns...and hear from her...that what I am doing and where I am at in this "healing" process...is right on course...that the stuff I did...was exactly what I needed to do...and that I have to accept...that it's going to take time...
but the validation that it continued to prove...was immeasurable. Again, I am reminded of the year of firsts...the first Holidays that pass without you in them...the birthday that will appear and no cheesecake to be enjoyed by you...the dread of Thanksgiving....Christmas and another New Year...she told me I was the one who needed to be easier on "me" and I agree...I am trying...my little steps continue...somedays I felt like I've climbed a mountain in my efforts...the little things that once seemed trivial now are quite larger challenges..but I reach them...the goals...and I pour my heart into everything I do...with Faith and Hope...and each day, I continue to pray for strength and guidance and I feel God sends me friendships as quickly as I pray...God Bless friends and the love they give forth, for without them, I would fall down...

Ted and I watched the fireworks last evening...like we always have....for many years now, and bravely decided to go once again...following the same pattern of celebration, we'd go to our friend's home and watch the spectacular display of lights that electrify the sky...only last night, both Ted and I stood holding each other sharing the same thought...Adam....can you see what we see from Heaven? Wiping back tears, I held onto that thought and later questioned Ted...why isn't is possible for God to ease our hearts...just a little bit, perhaps come to us in a dream...and let us know "Adam's okay" and that he's at Peace...the relief it would give...some comfort to our broken hearts...I guess other parents have that same question...but imagine that source of soothing it would bring...as a mom, you can't imagine how difficult it is to sit and watch other children without remembering visions and memories of your own children...we all have them, not just moms who lost a son, like me...sometimes as our kids grow up...we wish for days past...when they were small, and everything was new and magical to them...and to us...and the wonders they truly were...I looked at Adam's face...from the time we was handed to me as a young mom, his little body wrapped in a blue blanket, his skin pink and glowing...and I'd watch him grow...never, ever thinking I would lose him...never even imagining he'd pass the way he did...my heart aches for all he'll miss...for all of those who loved him are missing...for us, with our broken hearts...the helpless way we feel...the highs and the lows...the dread of knowing we have so much time left...in our lifetimes without our dear son in it...after the fireworks display, Teddy took me to the cemetery and we stood by Adam's grave, it was well after eleven p.m. but we both felt a Peace around us, watching a faint scattering of random fireworks still going off...again, we miss you...

another Holiday...I can remember last 4th of July vividly, and it involved happy times with you, Adam...my heart aches...I miss you more as days pass and the time we've been apart lengthens...I wonder if you watch over me...if you hear my prayers or feel my tears...as they fall upon your grave...I wish I could write happier things...but life simply isn't happy anymore...I am told that in time, I will smile again...or laugh...and learn to joke once again...but I often times feel cheated...robbed...let down, because the love I held for you was meant for a lifetime...not 22 yrs. I just have trouble understanding that emptiness...that loss...that missing piece...I just miss "you" beyond anyone elses comprehension....

decisions...so many have been made since you left us Adam...my first was to continue living...yes, believe it or not...at times, Hope for me was that I could have joined you...but that wasn't to be...so I decided to go on...deciding to keep Faith, easily could we have chosen a different path but the road to God seemed best taken...I've not looked back since I turned upon this route. Decisions to go back to work and try and rebuild what I had before...to see if I still had...what others valued...knowing I'm not a failure should I falter. Decisions...to write...to share...to continue healing through expression of your memory...no one truly knows or understands loss completely until it hits you on a personal level...it's so deep and dismal...the strength you need to crawl over it is immense...decisions made to not lie down and die...or become depressed...every thought and plan carefully made with your handsome face in each thought...and deciding that you loved me way too much so see me allow myself to deteriorate...more decisions lie ahead...somedays I'm really not sure of what my choice will be...for you see, it can change in an instant...just like my life...but it's getting clearer...those ideas...and plans...
I decided I would never let your Spirit fade...and that keeps me going...your love...your memories...and decisions...

Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

nice memories for Adam's friends...he loved Led Zeppelin...he adored Robert Plant...he was the source of Adam's inspiration in music...in a big way...his tattoo was the Led Zeppelin symbols down his right arm

Optimism….is neither weak nor naive. It can be tough and pure and earned just as clearly as any brooding existential despair...another inspiring bunch of words...I kept re-reading that one...for I, the eternal optimist had been feeling pretty much defeated over the past four plus months...I sometimes ask those closest to me, to give me an evaluation on what they see...when they "see me"...so far...like I was told in the beginning, that I was a shell, a fragile being for the first portion of my new life...the life without Adam in it...and as days turned into months and they see me now...they tell me I am still the "same Lori"...the look of my being...the kindness and Grace which I took pride in is still there...but to those who knew "old Lori" well...absent is the Joy that once surrounded me. A journey such as mine, is not an easy one...I see where many others fall behind, it can be easily done. This idea and action of "staying strong" is a fierce task...not for the weak of Spirit...
I have few people to really go to...who truly know "our pain"...I guess part of my optismism is that I want to always honor Adam's memory...that I need to live on for those left behind, along with me...in Adams's absence...I need to be a light for those who fall into darkness...perhaps to teach...survival after loss...I keep saying...that my heart is open and it is...I await the path...for which I am to travel next...will you hold my hand...as I find my way?