Today was hard...tomorrow will be harder...I can't stop thinking about Mother's Day...I can't stop thinking about you...I was just listening to Modest Mouse...Float on...and tears flow continually down my face, a pool of liquid collects on the desk in front of me as I hold my head and sob...Your dad doesn't know what to do when I'm like this, so he cries, too. Last night was a better night...with your old friends gathered around...we try and cheer each other...I drink coffee while everyone else drinks beer...Erica O. brought me flowers and a special card...it's sort of funny how friendships have evolved from your passing...although you and Brad and Bryan have always been close...I really didn't get to know her...and she's so much like her Dad...and you loved Leo...who doesn't? He used to call you Shaggy and Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High...you loved it...you loved that family...her words, so heartfelt, brought even more tears to my eyes...words of encouragement...words expressing the love through my mothering to you and those around you...she told me Bryan had a really difficult time with your passing...he served Mass and wasn't able to look at us...or view your casket...it's was too rough...and I look back and see how you treated him...with love and respect...with awe he looked up to you...and with tears, he had to serve at your funeral...life is so unfair...Rachael came by, too...with a pretty flower...in a lovely painted pot...two blooms...one represents each of us...you and me...she also held me and cried alongside me...tears...will they ever stop...had I not loved you oh so much, the tears would have subsided...but my entire life, heart, and soul was overflowing with adoration and love for you, Jordan and your Dad...If only I could have stopped the world just for a second... to keep you here...to keep you safe, within my arms...my precious son...