May 1st...a new month...another month has elapsed since I last saw you...another Friday passed and transitioned into another Saturday...and for others...just like normal times...and for us...everything remains abnormal. I was telling your Dad last night, as we took Hazel through the cemetary, that my "life" has always had certain characteristics that "defined me"...and the key defining factors had ALWAYS been wife and mother...I cannot even begin to remember "not being either"...and I know that I am still a wife and mom, but it isn't the same...Ted and I...represent 2...you and Jordan represented the other 2....equation....2+2=4...it's unfathomable to think I need to learn to accept this new equation of 2+1=3...not fair...in any way. A loss so great...and this week...I saw it...although I cry so much...unending tears...I do see the strength that others saw "early on" in me...the love we shared undoubtedly guides me...some things in that support program unsettled me...I could see the struggles they faced and many had no idea how "to move ahead"...many who lose loved ones turn bitter or depressed...God knows how it's not their fault and how easily anyone could succumb to that...but I don't feel hateful to God...I don't feel hateful to others who still have their children...I also felt we has a good relationship prior to your passing...so the complications that might have existed in their lives may had been pre-existing things that further complicated their feelings now...the constant bashing on ourselves is not only injurous to "us" but it also builds a wall against good people who want to come inside our hearts...
With Hope we walked through the cemetary...sometimes we go there twice a day...last night we visited near nightfall...we followed Hazel as she led us into the old portion of the graveyard...the old Irish immigrant's burial site...reading the old stones...many so weathered and tattered you cannot read all of their names...many of the stones lie broken and akwardly tilted in the ground...neglected...and I pondered whether their families even know that this is where their great-grandparents are laid to rest...and we prayed for them all...and Hope that our Spirit was with them last night...and will continue to pray for PEACE within that little Irish cemetary...and PEACE to you my Beloved son, PEACE to you...
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