June Cleaver....

"There couldn't have been a worse mother for this to happen to....you're different than most other moms, you're more like a t.v. mom he told me"...catching my breath amidst tears...I said "I need you to repeat that...and tell me why you think that"...and he did, with tenderness in his explanation...his words not meant to hurt me...but to point out what he felt that he saw...you're softer hearted...you think more and your mind runs much deeper...and you "see" perfection in all of that around you...sort of like those happy ladies who play the parts of mothers on t.v. And I guess he's sort of right...he also said I would see many "kids" pass through my home over the "many" years that I held my doors wide open...offering my cookies and treats with smiles...and these innocent faces that smiled back sometimes held their own hidden secrets...like he told me...it was all my "wish" for happiness and Peace. Not that any of these kids were terrible, it's not "that" at all...but I saw perfection, never thinking any of them would have "their little hidden secrets" at the time...not knowing the "risks" that they took....but apparently I didn't even know it. And Adam was a GREAT young man...and he didn't hold his secret long, I know that...but my naiveness fogged the clarity of what really occurs in "life" now. Ted and I had a great conversation with an older coach of both my boys yesterday...and he, too, had his clouded moments with the boys he coached....telling us years ago, the boys would simply buy beer and get drunk. It's not like that anymore...nasty stuff happens...a scary world that a mom like me probably couldn't even imagine...and Adam didn't fit in...and it obviously took him......sad faces are everywhere since my son passed...we all can't fathom it...the intensity of such a GREAT heart that stopped beating...and Adam's soul...the most beautiful soul...is reminiscent in our memories now...and that t.v. mom...well, she's been enlightened to the harsh truth of small town secrets...and eyes wide open...still tearful...still unsure of why? But no longer naive...