do you miss me?

I miss you...every second of every day...and I wonder what you are able to view from your Heavenly stance...and if you can see me here and now...and what you're thinking...and the changes you see that have come upon me...changes so deep, I wish I could be "me" again...and I see some others who cannot fathom "me" without joy or levity...I see...others who lost a child have told me this is normal...people who don't know what to say...or who truly don't understand that it's not something that you simply "snap out of"...it's a lengthy process and one I would never have chosen...but for some unknown reason, it was me who was selected to become a part of this unpopular group...those who lost their loving child...and I look at Jordan and I still feel Blessed, for I have him, his love and his care...but Adam's passing has forever altered him, too...he'll never be the same person and my heart bleeds for him...I know he feels alone...he is now an only child and that's not how life was supposed to be...the wishes he made, the hopes he held dear....that Adam would have pulled through that night...and the chaos that followed us ever since...we still ride the roller coaster of emotions...less often now...and healing is in process...but how do you ever heal fully? How do you ever move past the love that touched your heart and is no longer there...My cousin held me and told me she loved me...and she missed me...and she saw glimpses of the old "me" when I was with her last night...she said anyone who didn't know me might pass me and think nothing...I could "blend in" now...but for those who did know me...my perpetual smile has faded...the sparkles that highlighted my eyes grew dim...and the zest I once felt for life feels like a forgotten thing...but thankfully...I remember the "me" that I was...I miss friends that distanced themselves from me...but I understand that unless you've endured this...there is no real connection to understanding what's going on inside my head or heart...I miss you Adam, do you miss me, too?