...I've been thinking a lot about stories...your story in life...and my story now...the days pass by like pages turning in a novel...my life, the easy read it once was...is now sad and dismal. I often feel quieter and even more reserved...at times I don't want to tell my story and sometimes when I do, I wonder if the listener tires of hearing that same sadness so I'll often not talk at all...yes, imagine that one Adam...telling your stories in my blog has become a release...and a way I can remember you in the brightest light. Your story now will follow me...there will always be deep sighs by those who hear your name and are saddened by your absence and there'll be others who as we, your family pass by...will sigh again and feel sorrow for the life we live now...your stories of past were magical...my book if written would be penned full of tales about my love of you and Jordan, the fulfillment I received from being your mother...and being your friend. I loved being a part of that circle, the fact that you included me in your happiness...that your friends loved us, too...over the years I've expressed countless times when I would say "I love my life" because of all the joy and happiness our family has shared...and those pages in life are still turning...some days hold better moments than others, much like a book we read...sometimes I skim over the ones that confuse me...my story now will follow me into life becoming an old lady. You used to laugh at that thought, teasingly you'd tell me you'd never change my diaper as I got old...and again, together we'd laugh with smiles so big that our bellies ached...
the book of your life opens each day and brings back memories with it...I never know which chapter will randomly open...yesterday it was a memory of you and the super ball machine...I was eating a salad at a small eatery when a small boy was shaking a super ball machine...and of course, the memory of you as a little boy surrounded me...I saw your little blond head and the urgency you'd feel to put quarters in that machine till you got the special color you insisted upon...well, I happened to have some quarters with me...and that little boy walked away with several super balls yesterday...I miss you Adam...I still haven't a clue why I don't have you anymore...the day you died the book of life closed tightly....the memories I have are dog-eared through and through...someday, I'll muster strength to write a story to you...about the life you shared with us...the family who misses so much...

"Hiding pain requires an enormous amount of energy; sharing it is liberating"....I was always a very strong person...pain was something I rarely felt in times before my loss...I was also pretty good at hiding inner stresses...and looking back, those "inner stresses" had been fairly small if ever at all...so that was an easy thing to tuck aside...but now...my loss...my son...my heartache....few moments can pass that his beautiful face isn't in a thought or remembrance that I'm having. When I talk to others, they all know "where" I am in this situation that was cast at me...I'm taking my time, my own time to heal and I've never hidden my pain or the feelings that accompany it. A friend of Jordan and Adam's sat and talked with me Saturday night and he said he sees me heal...he told me I'm an easy read...but when he watched Jordan and Teddy over these past six months, the facade they put on pretending "they're alright" was very transparent. I guess with men, they possess an innate thing about themselves that they try and pretend they're doing well...when in actuality, they're in little pieces just like me...we all miss Adam...we all analyze or at least try and analyze why him? We could go mad trying to see if we did anything wrong or could have changed anything, because we can't...I guess through these months of struggling we've learned to forgive ourselves...self realization points to us being a good family, I've let go of blame..... for you see, I no longer blame "me". I know how much I loved and adored my son...there was no love lacking that caused this tremendous mistake...his dad and I loved him fully and met each of the needs we honestly felt a son needed...the direction we placed upon him was good and honest and we wholeheartly felt we'd live and love together as a family the rest of our lives...well, life took a sudden change in the wee hours of February 20th...and the friends who loved our son, who loved us also...continue to trickle through our home with words so profound and messages so heartfelt that my healing continues through that love. Many have told me they are grateful for our family's love and direction...one lovely girl told me I set nice examples that helped form her into the woman she now is...so failure isn't what I see myself as. I didn't fail Adam...nor did he fail me...we loved each other with every piece of our being and I will gladly take this pain...if it helps me heal...if it helps me remember our love...forever

...Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom...

Dearest Adam,
My sweet son, I miss you more than I can even place into mere words...it's difficult...unimaginable loss. My heart will always ache...the emptiness that has replaced all the spaces your life had once filled...the hollowness of our home now...it's still a home...because the rest of us...are still here...but we are lost without you. Please always know the love we held inside of hearts for you and rest comfortably knowing we will always carry you with us in each day that goes on...

Plain White T's - 1234 [Song + Lyrics]

Adam and I really loved this song...these lyrics describe exactly how we felt about each other...Adam, I love you...

It's funny how things happen... you'd have to assume it's some carefully planned and orchestrated way that someone happens to fall right into your life at the moment you feel your most wounded...my ups and downs are still present although the height and depth of each has lessened some...I have some really sad days when my heart feels extra heavy...and through all of this I have learned something deep and true about family...blood means so little...I have redefined family...I suppose, theoretically family is defined as: A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children...and the media and our "learned values" make us sway to envision the stereotypical families we grew up either reading about or watched on t.v. when in actuality, it was usually a pale comparison to family life...for real. When someone doesn't have strong family ties and something like this happens, like what Ted and I experienced...you need a back up plan...if you don't have strong bonds of friendships...you're chance of surviving this dissipates...thankfully, I married young, to the love of my life...who stays in love that long anymore? I could easily fall down upon my knees to profess to the planet how wonderful the man I married is...and ALWAYS was...I look at him and think...I love him and he's mine...his family loved me from the beginning...a "welcoming" felt from the first moment I met then...and they walked beside us...all of our years together...a good family does that...not only in happy times or in times of wealth and good health, but also in times of weakness....feeling lost or in question. My mother-in-law held my hand through the years and Ted's dad held my heart...I feel like "Big Ted" still fills my heart...when I visit Adam, I silently talk with him, too. He was proud of us...of me...of the mere fact that I married his son...what an incredible thing for me to always cherish. He's gone a long time now...and it seems like we miss him more than ever...so thankful are we of the lessons learned from him in the short time we had been lucky enough to have him, but the values he instilled in us have helped us to evolve into the people we have become today...there's no blood line there for me but somewhere, somehow, the lines of love run much deeper than any realm of blood...I am thankful...so thankful that I have them...I am so grateful for the angel who stopped me in the alley last night to make me appreciate things I didn't know anyone else would think of...I thank God for angels who check on me all of the time...and hope that I can be an angel back again and again...to help others in their time...and summing up my new definition of family...it's a group of people whose hearts are filled with love and meaning..and purpose, who hold each other up in times of sadness and rally around each other in times of happiness...unending love and support by people who'd go to the end of the world for you...yes, I like that...

Dear Adam,
Lately, I've been talking to you more than ever...at least in thoughts and prayers...I just miss you so much. Although time is passing and life has regained some normalcy...my mornings still remain the most difficult time. I have so many things I want to talk with you about, you see, you've always been "that person" I could say anything to...I miss sitting on our deck and just talking about random things...I miss hearing your ideas and thoughts on life...I miss most the silly stories you'd tell me, nothing was off limits...you trusted me...with your whole heart...and I fully trusted you right back.
I tried to be "that person" on whom you could depend...even if the world seemed uncertain, it would be me who'd be there for you...forever. Yet it seems like I failed you. I hold so many emotions inside me...so many changes, so much for one poor mom to handle...I want to stay strong so I ask you each day to lead me...and somehow I get through...I remember early February, I was working late...you called me and decided we'd get "Tommies" food...you'd pick it up and we'd sit and talk at the kitchen table for hours that night. I remember discussing the economy...I remember you telling me you were happy at work...I remember putting the coffee on and talking some more...I wish, at that time, I would have known...or saw something...or found a clue, that told me something was awry...but no clues existed...reeling now for six months in a series of whys and what if's that are haunting at times...no relief to my mind fully...I will always live in question of why you didn't talk with me...or why my mind couldn't decipher something was wrong. Or wasn't it? I'm not sure? No one talks about it...but no one speaks ill of you either...at least that's what I'm told. I think when you passed the town stopped breathing for while...sighs of disbelief that someone like you could stop "being"...such a vibrant young man, full of hope and promise...your light extinguished...your voice silenced and all of those who loved you...left behind in the aftermath of an unbelievable occurance.

All people have is hope. That's what brings the next day and whatever that day may bring. A hope grounded in the real world of living, friendship, work, family.
You know, that says it all...and people still look at me, I suppose without fully thinking about what they're saying and state "I don't know what I'd do if what happened to you, happened to us"...and some will go on and say much worse...unknowingly...but again, it comes down to those few little words of inspiration that we must cling to..."hope" is one...and the other is "Faith"...
I hope each day that I become stronger...and I see that I am....I hope each day...that purpose and meaning will continue to fill our hearts, that bitterness will always be somewhere far away from us...that the hope we hold onto will keep all the love we've held inside...continue to be bountiful...that our lives will continue to be enriched by the kindness of others...and that our Faith will affirm our Belief that our son will be around us still...in Spirit and in in memory...and that things will become clearer...that life will allow us to breathe deeply...and that we'll share smiles and laughter and perhaps we can truly feel happiness once again...

Dear Adam...
Since you're gone, I've lost the keen focus that I once possessed...it's hard thinking of things other than you...but we have to...because we need to live...we need to work...and we need to relate. I was trying to do so many things at once yesterday combined with trying to cut Jordan's hair...a new task I've been appointed to...however with what happened yesterday, he may never let me near the clippers again...I thought about you...and how you'd let Hontz shave you down for relief in the summer's heat...I remember last summer and how as he shaved your long locks, he jokingly threatened me that he'd give you a mohawk...yes, and then those remebrances of you and Jordan in the barber chair...freshly shorn little heads, you and he had to have been the sweetest little boys ever...as you'd run out of Harry Carroll's with lollipops and smiles...you called those cuts "moonies"...as I cut Jordan's hair, I accidently let one of the guards slip and the blade went straight to the "moonie" cut...poor Jordan with an unanticipated moonie...overwhelmed by being hectic on top of Jordan telling me how difficult days still tend to be...and me, just trying to "be" the person I am expected to be...mighty big goals I have. He held me later and told me it's fine...I felt so stupid...Dad sat right down after my blunder and said..."go ahead Lori, give me the same cut"...so I did and my two guys with moonies existed once again...although it was Dad who took your place...Walking into church today, a few people laughingly remarked..."looks like you guys lost a bet"...and they just smiled...

....six months have passed us by, life took a pause, clouds parted and we can now visualize a glimmer of the blue sky that we once saw vividly...we search for a rainbow in the distance...the seasons of change have visited the place where our son now lives...from the harsh ice and snow that encapsulated the grounds to the thaw of Spring and the rebirth of flowers and robins...to the brilliant heat of the summer sun...seasons have past...our hearts still pain us with the loss we feel...and I still reflect back on Adam's favorite book, the one I wrote about earlier in time...and I think about Ted and I...and how we are so much like those sad parents desperately trying to fall back into life again and the challenges it presents...yet we do...as we must...to attain some normalcy...although normal isn't what normal once was...nor ever shall be...but more seasons will come and go...and time will continue to place deep voids of space from when we last last saw him...our light...our son...

...it happened, the day was Tuesday, August 17th at around 12:30 p.m. I was at my currently "favorite" patient's home...he and his wife seem to have grown fond of me and my visits....I like going there...partially because they don't know me and I can pretend I'm just some regular nurse and leave my sadness at their doorstep and lose myself in his needs...and it's helping immensely...his wife made me a jar of soup. My heart melted with that simple gesture....she told me since I always bake and cook for them, she wanted to show me how much she appreciates me and my kindness...she looked at me with grandmotherly eyes and said "you don't have any kids, do you Lori?"...I guess she figured out she asked a delicate question when she finished that sentence...I didn't mean to allow my eyes to leak, truly...my lashes batted quickly to hold back the flow...and somehow I managed to answer her...I started with "I have a son...actually I had two sons, I lost my youngest about 6 months ago"...I know she must have apologized ten times for asking before I left and held me in her arms for awhile...grandma's arms...that's what it felt like, warm and soft and cozy...and she smelled like cinnamon and soup...nice, pleasant smell...everything about her made me feel comfortable. I left there and thought to myself, if I was going experience that question for the first time, the most awkward of moments...how glad I was that it was with her. I went back today for it was my time to check on her hubby. She followed me out the door on my departure...again those arms wrapped around me for a hug that seemed endless...as she whispered in my ear, "We love you, Lori"..."we know your son would have had to be wonderful like you"...I'll never forget this woman...her love...and the way she made me feel...
I save quotes and stenciled inspirational quotes on our walls at our Hospice office...I love the one that goes..."They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." No, I'll never forget her...or many other amazing people who have touched my life...and who made me "feel"...once again...

"Love Remains The Same"

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me want to run till' I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

I find a place where we escape
Take you with me for the space
The city buzz sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
The faces seem to blur
They're all the same

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome
It's all left still to play

We should've had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change

I, oh I,
I wish this could last forever
I, oh I,
As if we could last forever

Love remains the same
Love remains the same


....The world is changing, it is fleeting and temporary and so are we and our feelings, thoughts and actions but Love is the one constant, that never changes and is never shaken.....I carry you with me everyday...I see you in things...hear your voice in music...the love I held in my heart for you will never fade...this song reminds me of you...of us...and the ongoing love and devotion I will hold onto...I love you Adam....with all my heart...with all my soul...with every single piece of my being...Life was not life until I had you and Jordan...I pray you help give me strength...in these dark moments...

I've often thought, I'm nobody. Why would God answer my prayers? But God's not impressed by eloquence; he's impressed by our longing for him...in my whole life, I've never felt so close to God...I know another family, or I should say "know of another family" who lost a son, in the same sudden way we lost ours...and I have "picked up" through some communications we've held, that they lost their Faith and I sit and wonder...when Faith is lost...is there anything else? I sat with my boss yesterday, upon reading the results of my annual evaluation...if words on that paper meant little...the impact of what those numbers meant so much more...in mere words I am told that my work, as a Hospice nurse meant much...that my care and professionalism exceeded expectations...all nice in print...it's wonderful that this piece of paper will follow me and help me attain a nice continuance in my profession...but upon reading it and writing feedback...I truly thought about how much "that job...along with the way I lived my life" day-to-day meant to me...it meant so much to be kind to people...for it could be their last days...it meant so much to make someone smile...for that smile might have been well deserved and long coming...it meant so much to ease some of the heartache and pain these people felt...I can see Adam's death did not damper any of those things I feel...although utterly sad I can no longer feel strength to perform fully as a Hospice nurse, I know I will carry those qualities with me...the ones I brought with me to our little office...and whatever path my life is meant to follow...I will, and I will follow in Faith that God will be there for me...as I am longing for His Eternal guidance.

Dear Adam,
Janie told me today that she caught herself saying something that she's always quite frequently said...to another person who was concerned about some issue that was occurring in their life..."it all happens for a reason..." and then she stopped, paused and decided that statement no longer holds truth...when she told me this her eyes welled with tears...no one who knows me...or who knew you understands the reason...and the saddest part is that we'll never know...all I can do is wait...probably another lifetime until I see you again...perhaps that's why it was so difficult for me, the past couple of days, my birthday and the days that led up to it...just another occasion in the year of firsts that I am forced to face. I talked with Lisa today and told her as brutally difficult as it is...it's either push through this difficult struggle or sink into the sadness that surrounds me...it's a much easier choice to succumb to sorrow...and wallowing in my own self-pity, after all, I deserve it, don't I...no, I don't...for I do see that life goes on...and as much as I want it to pause...and yearn for everyone else to see what lives inside my head and heart...that's virtually impossible and improbable...so I muster strength and face the next day that awaits me...I am praying daily for angels to guide me...along this difficult journey...

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted...he rescues those who are crushed in Spirit" (Psalms 34:18)....a kind soul sent me that quote and I feel some comfort in those few words pieced together so eloquently....just felt the need to share that one....

I dreamt well last night...vivid and real...the sounds...the sights... I was walking at the high school stadium, while a football game was playing...as usual, many attendees surrounded the perimeter of the field as they watched the game play on with bated breath...seemed like I did that same "walk around" so many times before, countless...so many of my sons games to attend...and the happiness that ensued...in my dream...I was with Ted and with random friends whose faces I cannot recall...just people walking next to us and chatting...like any other game...I glanced to my right and saw him...it was Adam...his golden hair shined from the stadium light casting glimmered rays of iridescence...he was surrounded by faceless friends and of course, he was laughing and smiling...enjoying the game...I remember my surprise and saying...oh my God...there's Adam as I ran off to find him, to hold him...I looked and searched for what seemed like a long time and he appeared to have disappeared into the crowd...my was heart racing...as a voice called to me...he's always with you...no matter where you are...and then I awoke...I told Teddy by dream and of course he believes in all I tell him...as I do with him....we see our dreams as Hopeful of the Lord letting us know our son is with us...in everything we do...see...feel...

...again I awake...to those feelings of dread that seem to continue to trail me...my once favorite movie has become my worst...because my life now parallels it's story...of each day awakening to the same day before... reliving the same bad day over and over again...the frustration of feeling those same saddening feelings and acknowledging the realization of what really happened...and that nothing will ever be the same...however in the movie...as with most romantic comedies...there's a happy ending...that's where the similarities change...because there is no happy ending...in my mind I continue to doubt myself...that I was good enough...that I missed something...that if I knew...that he didn't talk with me...I grew to learn over the course of the past 5 plus months, that my son had helped others immensely...three very different people came to me at three different times to tell me that Adam helped them with taming their demons...his efforts would amaze someone reading this...and writing it all would be too painful...but he did...and they're grateful...and had many of us in shock when it was he who left us...and here I am...still struggling with the aftermath of things I knew nothing about...
my romantic comedy turned into a tragedy...the one thing I can still relate to in that movie though...is the song that plays each morning as his clock radio goes off...and I look at Teddy and think...."I got you babe"...for if not for him, I don't know where I'd be.....

....went to visit you this evening...umbrellas in our hands, trying to ward off the rain falling upon us...walking through the wet grass...raindrops falling steadily over your tombstone...trinkling down over your embossed portrait like tears rolling down your face...Dad and I had the roughest time seeing that...seeing tears...missing you...and deep sadness that still follows us...

You don't get character because you're successful; you build character because of the hardships you face....

I met another mom on Monday night...a mom who like me, lost a child...a young adult who wasn't supposed to leave her family so young, but she did...and this loving mom met with me to talk...as she is a friend of a friend...funny the way it is...the way one friend networks a lifeline out to another...it's all good...her loss was over three years ago and as I spoke with her...I could easily see sadness in her eyes...she saw my pain...still raw and fresh...it's not even 6 months yet...and she remarked about that...it was easy for her to see where I was in my journey...part of me wondered if "being there" for me that night was extra hard for her...was I a reason for those sad eyes? Or is her sadness a residual of what life has now become? I thought about her ever since our meeting...I knew from talking with her that her life revolved around family...she glowed while taking about the child she loved...then lost. I wonder what I'll be like...in three years...or in thirty? We'll both never forget the love we held onto so tightly for our children passed...we both questioned why? why? why? SO many times...and one day someone remarked back to her, "why not you"? I guess I never thought about that one. None of us "deserve this"....but it does happen...in the blink of an eye life can take a spin or spiral...there's no discrimination in who gets cancer...who gets in a deadly car crash...or dies from sad mistakes...like my own son...it's we who are left here to grieve and try and move ahead...

The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have ♥.....that saying says "me" all over it.....I still want to be happy....it's what Adam would want most...I live with constant thoughts each day of what Adam would be telling me right now if he could...that he's awfully sorry for the mistake he made...how much he wishes he could still be here with us...how much he valued us...as his family...that he longs to see me smile more and be "that person" he admired once again...I do believe his Spirit follows each of us each day...as I drive along I see his face in all the beautiful things that cross my path...the sunny day today led me through winding roads and beautiful landscapes...I passed a waterfall and then a field of wild heather...in my mind I envision what he'd be telling me next...the laughter that would follow...his life was overflowing with delight...our lives were happy...we did make the best of what God gave us...we felt like we had everything....and when we lost our son, it felt like we had nothing anymore...I'm glad I have Faith...that those little signs are apparent...that people love us...that we feel support...I try not to question "why me"...because I see it could hit anyone...in a heartbeat...I mentioned that to a friend tonight...as we sipped coffee and ate our desserts...I said as I am eating this carrot cake...another mother is learning that her child has died...it's grim and brutal reality....the gift I have now is that gift of knowing exactly what someone like that is feeling...I have a gift of helping someone going through a rough time....just like me. There are others with the gift...but they chose not to use it...it's a gift that we did not ask for...it's one we resent...but I guess when faced with choosing to use it or put it away, I'd rather use it...to help others along my path of life...and it'll be the gift of Adam's light and life that will help me help others along the way...

...it's been late night visits to my son...as we carefully walk the path on St. Kevin Drive which is lit my the moon, the stars and our little flashlight. Ted shines the beam of light onto your stone so I can see your portrait better and say my rituals...my I love you's...my Blessings and prayers and say what I always say...how much I miss you and that I'll be back to see you again tomorrow...and we keep our promises...we always come back. We saw you everyday when we had you in our home so we feel better knowing the Peace that fills our hearts when we visit you everyday. I know some people might think our rituals are odd...and it's okay...actually anything we choose to do that gives us some well-deserved peace is okay...the main thing now is how I am feeling inside...funny how Hazel knows her way in the dark...and as we continue to be the most regular guests at the little Irish cemetery...she's marched through snow and rain and fog and sunshine...and often times darkness...with a backdrop of crickets and katydids like tonight...

Dear Adam...
This blog has been helpful in many ways...my heart's open to help in anyway I can thru what I learned so far....and those who read me often reach out to help me through this difficult time...an old friend told me my experience awakened her like no other situation could...and how she wished she could go back and rewind the series of events that affected our lives...we look to God for explanations and still question why? And with time...we see there will never be the "answers" for which we seek...we simply wish you were still here with us... I met with HR on Tues., they're getting ideas together for open positions...I wait patiently and as I do, I'm seeing patients who are stable...so I am okay in that. I like working, always have. If I had to sit and stare at walls all day, it would be maddening. I'd like to work part-time for awhile...I think that would be nice. I would have extra "me" time to think...reflect, write...walk...pray....and if I was having a bad day one day, perhaps I'd be off the next. I'm not worried...things will be how they will be...I just want to be surrounded by kind people right now....because that's what helps me most...and Jordan's been my rock lately...it's unbelievable how he's changed. He's like a butterfly now...out of a cocoon that he had once encased himself inside...he's in love...and he's projecting that love in the most positive way to us...his arms wrap around me regularly these days and it feels so nice to feel that sincerity and love within those arms....and to those who tell me often...how wonderful YOU were...well, those are the words that mean the most...I love you Adam...I adored you from the moment I met you...when I held you and looked into your beautiful face...created by us...your parents who would have lived or died for you...I wish often that God would have chosen me...and I question why too often...we all took dangerous chances...risky moments...unthinkable reactions...but you received the most harsh penalty...or perhaps I am wrong...I may be the one feeling most penalised because you're no longer here with us...but maybe God and His Angels are feeling luckier because they have you now...

Talib Kweli - Get By

....one of Adam's friends dropped by last night...he'd been away on a personal journey for an entire year...he saw magnificent things and proved things to himself that probably seemed unimaginable at one time...but he did it...he met his goal and what a proud feat he performed...while on his journey he discovered the news of Adam's passing and all he could think about was Adam's smile...that's all many of us think about primarily when we say his name...it rings synonymously with smiles and laughter...he, too thinks Adam's spirit needs to live on...Adam had a gift...an amazing gift...this unique ability to surpass all barriers...be befriended everyone...he expressed kindness and love, sympathy and understanding...he represented a "real guy"...the heartfelt and sincere type...he wasn't afraid to tell anyone anything...sometimes it wasn't always sugary....but he didn't lie...he also made himself "there" for his pals...middle of the night...whenever...he could be counted on. He had this unique ability to put himself into the position they had been put into...he understood....he truly understood...and I was truly proud of the man he was becoming...he had such a good soul...an old fashioned spirit that you rarely see anymore. He told his buddies he loved them...there he'd stand...big and bold, a powerful stance...like a big blonde teddy bear...ready with a hug or that warmth and expression of sincerity...yes, his legend need to continue....and his friend seemed to inspire me...his quest...his journey...his Faith and his connection to my son...is there more I need to do still? I think there is...

I have a friend who told me that her dad passed when she was 17...somehow...even though she lost such a significant role model in her life..she turned into a spectacular woman...she obviously had overwhelming love and support from her siblings and mother...and as she grew into womanhood...she married and became a mom...and our lives seemed mimic each other...as we both married young and had two children...we each thought that becoming a wife and mother meant the world to us...I was amazed when she told me her mom made almost daily trips to the cemetery with her two children...these kids would hear stories about a man they never actually met...but through the daily visits came tales that she'd tell them about their grandfather...and amazingly, as they grew older...they truly believed they met him and spent time with him in earlier days...because his legend was go well ingrained in their little heads....early on...I pondered that...and thought about how I continue and plan to continue to keep Adam's legacy alive....I want to keep telling his tale...his stories...I don't want people to forget I had this amazing son named Adam...I hope through me...he'll somehow live on...

I shared the beauty of tonight with a dear friend...she was amazed at the path I'd chosen for us to walk...to partake in the loveliness of all that surrounded us on that little journey...I see beauty in so much...and it's nice to be with someone so warm and comforting as she...she's a rare jewel...someone who'll simply listen...although her life hasn't had the same things thrown at her as I...she somehow seems to grasp the way I am feeling...no judgement...no time limits on how I should be...just kindness...being with people like her is like medicine to me right now...for you see there's still no pill or magic trick that will ease this heartache...she mentioned time...I told her that time is making me stronger but the sadness is unchanged and again...it made sense to her...she could comprehend what I was trying desperately to convey to others. She said I just need to be treated nicely...with kindness now...and I agree...that's what works with me...she made me smile as she sang a few bars of "in the end....kindness is all that matters"...and she's right...completely. She told me that I was always so kind to everyone else...that my gift was the kindness I gave to all of those around me, especially my children and their friends...she told me I need to keep writing...because it helps her and others like her...to know me better...to learn more about Adam and his life...she told me Adam has a candle with a flame...and the more we remember him and talk about him and his memory...well, it keeps that flame aglow...Ginny, I don't want that flame to ever dim....so thanks for your inspiration...I love you for making me reflect even more positively on the life I have yet to live...and the people's lives I still need to touch...

Dear Adam,
I'm gathering strength from within...Boo was just here...had a beer with your Dad...nothing seems the same without your presence...I listened to them talk about baseball and just kept thinking that I needed to hear you interject, but your words are silent...I can still imagine your voice and what you'd be saying back...about the Yankees...Jeter...A-Rod and steroids...Boo and Dunbar are sharing a bag full of your sneakers. Boo smiled as he looked at the unique shoes you had...I know you'd be happy that I gave them to your friends...I still take time and thoughts...long and carefully orchestrated thoughts of who would best appreciate the items you cherished. I'm giving Earl your mandolin...I know as he restrings it and learns to play it, he'll treasure the beauty of having something special that was yours...what else can we do? We cannot lock up your room and treat it as a museum and you were simply too special not to share your memories with those who loved you so...
Everyone loved you...

I spent part of Saturday afternoon with an old friend of Adam's...being with him made my heart fill with happy memories of my son...I can sometimes see reflections of him shining through their eyes...because Adam by true definition was defined by the many friendships he had...and when they choose to take time...precious time...to be with me and talk about better moments...my heart melts...Sunday...another visit...a different friend...Jordan and I talk about something a few people mentioned to us...they had been afraid to reach out to me...because they didn't know what to say...and it broke their hearts but avoidance may have been easier...than facing the reality of something like this really happening to normal people...and that it sometimes makes them fear...if they delved too deep...it makes it real enough to happen to any other family, like theirs and they need to avoid it...fears...perhaps those younger friends who still come by...their fears aren't fully formed? Or perhaps God is orchestrating them to be here...for us...for me, since it's what's helping me most...

...we had a little picnic yesterday, I look forward to week-ends because we do things like that...and it's comforting...we sat at an old wooden picnic table and ate our packed lunch...with the sounds of children playing in the background against the noises of birds and wildlife in the backdrop...the environmental center is a place we used to go to often...we used to take our own boys there...Ted and I love nature and enjoy looking at those animals who had been rescued and saved...living there in the wildlife shelter...after our meal we took Hazel on the paths that circle the wildlife center...as Hazel splashed through a muddy marsh we saw an eagle soar above us in the distance...into tall trees...we stood watching for many minutes...hoping he'd come back out from hiding and show us his magnificent splendor...but he never came back out...inside my head I was quietly asking God to bring that bird out...as a sign that Adam was with us at that moment...we walked away and minutes later a wildlife worker was nearby us with a spectacular red bird resting on her finger...a scarlet tanager...his colors so vibrant...he was an amazingly beautiful bird...she was explaining to us and some small kids around us, that he'd been rescued weeks ago...and nurtured but has lost the ability to fly...within seconds of us standing there and watching him he suddenly took flight, miraculously...we observed him fly up into the trees nearby...the wildlife worker with amazement in her eyes said "oh my goodness! You've witnessed a release" how rare this is...and so wonderful that he could fly...Ted and I knew this was Adam's sign to us...and I knew God was listening...