...Martin Luther King's widow once said that the greatness of a community is most accurately measured by the compassionate actions of its members...I can certainly relate to that as through our situation...the community did it's best to help us with nothing but support and compassion...in the aftermath of our loss...and striving toward healing, I see that I tend to be defensive at times...this is something I've never seen in my character before...or at least not often. I visualize myself as defending actions that I might choose to take now...that might be different than I normally would have chosen before. I don't want to be defensive...I guess as a mom I want everyone to know how loving my son was...how we wish we'd been able to help him...how we longed for someone to direct us then when we didn't know or see what Adam's new secret had become...and we shouldn't have to defend the not knowing part...sometimes in life, kids get good at hiding things they don't want others to discover...in this time now...I just want to surround myself in things that feel good...like the comfort we feel when we come home after a long, hard day...the soothing feeling of soft jeans and and tee-shirt...the feeling of bare feet on carpeting...hearing the voices in your home of those who love you...the warmth of freshly brewed coffee as you savor that first sip...that's what I yearn for now. No explanations...no expected time frames of when our life will return to normal...because that's a date we'll never be able to predict...and doubtful it shall ever be....you see for us, nothing's normal...so I guess I need to accept in others...that unless you've lost a child...you'll never fathom my pain...unless you've walked in my shoes...you'll never know the weight that lies upon my back as I struggle to walk through each new day...and when someone doesn't understand the depth of what happened to me...I'll tell them...how much do you love your child? As they look at me with seriousness...I'll reply...well, that's how much I loved Adam...and I think it helps them understand my loss...my tremendous loss