....can a bereaved nurse...whose heart is still broken...ease the pains and minister to others going through grief themselves? That's what I'm trying to uncover...last night I asked my brother-in-law that same question, you see...he's a Hospice chaplain...and a long time minister....his Faith is strong and his intellect high...he's easy to listen to...he's also the only one who made sense out of my brother's situation...at least to me...his reasoning for why Spinner was in Heaven with God made sense...those unending questions I posed...answered simply with soothing words that comfort me still...that God didn't call Spinner...but He welcomed him anyway....well, this situation is different. Old Lori, in a busy work scenario would roll sleeves up and dig into work like "there's no tomorrow"....yet now, in my life, it seems like there's no tomorrow....will tomorrow ever the joyous event we used to look forward to? What's there now, at this point to await with anxiousness? I miss yesterdays....I miss "old Lori"....it felt saddening yesterday to succumb to know I'm not the same shining face I was...will I ever be? And so many people feel compelled to remind me that I'll never be the same...if the last person who told me that sentence knew how many others said that same thing....they'd take it back as not to break my heart any further. Of course my brother-in-law couldn't answer my question...of course he wouldn't want to determine my happiness or unhappiness should he prompt me with the wrong idea or decision and I respect that...soul searching...that's what I've been doing...and talking with Ted...perhaps I should frost cakes...or design floral arrangements....or sell my soups? Is there anything else out there for me? The job I did the best is Hell on my heart, at least it felt that way yesterday. But I did make it through....patients got good care...I cried intermittently in my car. I guess I need an bowling ball to hit me on the head to prompt the right path...or decision....tomorrow....what lies ahead....Lord lead me the way...