Life seems to spin on unendingly even though we sit and wish it would stop abit...

...when i die...will i be remembered????....and if i am....how will i be remembered....
.....sort of makes you wonder...or strive to live a life being remembered for, yesterday passed us by and here we three remain standing, like tall sunflowers....swaying in the wind, toppled now and then by a tumultuous wind yet not brought down fully to the ground...somehow, somewhere...someone gave us strength...
I recognize the gifts that others gave to us...their strength...their love...
my own gift, the gift I was informed of many months ago when I scoffed at the mere idea that I was somehow "given a gift"....but two years passing me by has opened my eyes further as well as my heart...as I walk in the beauty of God's surroundings... knowing fully that each one of us---through the roughest of times is allotted that gift, the gift of recognizing true pain and knowing true empathy...I thought I knew it...but I was wrong, as many attempts to "help" or "support" there was no truer knowledge of infinite turmoil that what we as a family endured...but God Graced us with support...no matter what life throws at us...or at others, we will somehow be able to empathize and support...

‎"Sometimes it is better to be kind than to be right...we do not need an intelligent mind that speaks....but a patient heart that listens....♥"

....Ted said it best the other day...each day that passes us is just one more day of missing our son....our pain never goes away, nor does the longing we have...the wishfulness of seeing him once more....we dread becoming old...and all the years ahead of us, as we are forced to live without him.....

To those who have left this earth brighter than when they arrived. One person can change the world. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Let us not judge, our time will come and pass as well. Counter-balance our differences with Love and Peace.

Thank you and God for the moments that began and continue for always...

Adam's friend...

....I am a strong person....but every now and then I would like for someone to simply take my hand and say that everything will be alright...
I know it won't ever be the same...but living life now is challenging...
my grieving heart continues to beat...as I have carefully learned the importance of readjusting my re-entry into life...part of it flowed seamlessly, the parts of life where love of others is concerned...that was never lost, there has never been hatred towards others...for in my heart I realize that no one on this earth would have wanted to see my son pass...or watch us and see how tragedy can affect a loving family...I've reanalyzed what is fair...and see that there are no answers...
so I crawl out of bed each day to face yet another small conquest...and I kneel often to pray, hopeful that God will give me more strength...and perhaps some Blessings ahead that might further heal this tremendous pain...and emptiness that weighs heavily on the hearts of my little family....

Dear God, This is my friend whom I love and this is my prayer for her... Help her live her life to the fullest. Please cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs You the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe. Amen!

I really needed that prayer...thanks to yet another beautiful statement of a wonderful friendship....

Music plays...inside my mind when I dream of you at night...
I can hear the laughter of your voice...
I can still feel you...so desperately, I feel your presence, trying to guard me...
watching over me...watching my heart literally sink when I try to grasp the enormity of you not being here...
It must pain you...to watch me struggle...to see the fight I am fighting...the battle I face with each new day...
The fears I have created inside my mind...you guiding over me...from your Heavenly loft...
seeing the many mistakes I made, yet probably amazed at the little conquests I have made....
you, my biggest fan, you'd rally for me...you loved my heart...you'd tell me
You made me realize what being a good mom really meant...it was the little things...
the simple stuff...things I thought everyone should do, say or feel...you said I was different...I miss that....I miss the way you'd make everyone feel special...
those things made me so proud...
I only wish God would have allowed me one more chance....to tell you what you meant to me...the impact you had not only on my life but on all of those around you...
I love you, always and forever...

"I still see and feel a lot of sadness in you-I know because you try and convince me that things are better and you are moving forward-almost like you are trying to convince yourself"...a friend wrote me recently---and yes...she's right but to counter back...softly I say---"what else is there to do?"....I do put that smile on...if not---would I place unwanted distance between myself and someone else? It's something I learned----even before I lost Adam....placing walls up does exactly just that---it walls others from coming to you. I've tried to keep my heart open and allow others love to permeate through and help me heal---and s-l-o-w-l-y I do...I've finally forgiven myself...a feat almost 2 years in the process---I've allowed myself and my mind a well needed rest in thinking my ability to be a good mom had anything to do with Adam's passing---no one except Teddy and Jordan know the horror that we endured not only that terrible night----but the 23 months that followed----and a sadness and hollow that will surely follow us till our own deaths one day...but when I squint my eyes and look back---on then---and now----I see survival----I feel strength....I feel God's arms wrapped around me tight...any self-doubts are easily extinguished when I look at it that way----and me? Thankfully I have my hospice background----which makes me certain that I am right where I am suppoed to be---healing takes a longtime---for us? A lifetime.....like a wound---I'm slowly rebuilding from within, heal too quickly----the wound will easily break open again---slow---steady----rebuilding----that's me----still---that work in progress........

Dear Adam,
I talk to you everyday, I know you hear me, I know you, more than anything in this universe wish you could communicate back, I feel you...so often, surrounding me...you feel the pain I feel, you wish to absorb it back---yet you cannot...I also feel your direction. Jordan began to open up more lately, I think he's also learning to forgive himself for things a young man like him shouldn't have to even think about, still we do...he and I---we've got this bond between us, one we would have never dreamt of...a bond you placed there...a bond of a memory that only he and I and Dad know of...Jordan and me...we fought ourselves a long time...not knowing how to move next, like walking through thick wet sand...he said to me the other night that there are so many people who would have simply given up...perhaps succumbed to our own demise...so true---but God gave us some superhuman strength, because we just want to give back...

U2 New Years Day+Lyrics (Full Version)

New Year's Day---I started dating Teddy on New Year's eve 1982, the clarity of that night still can be remembered vividly in my mind, I see each step, each movement, each facial expression as I was swept off my feet by him...in this life, I've never met anyone like him...New Year's held so many fond remembrances to us...our first year together, U2 had a song "New Year's Day", of course that became our song...and each New Year's eve to come, we'd talk about how we somehow fell deeply in love on that night...back then, it was "new hope"...through tough times to come, it became "new starts", somehow love would pull us through and together...maybe that's why what we have is special? Something always kept us together...I look back and remember people telling me that oftentimes a marriage struggles when a child is lost...well we've discovered everyone struggles with us....Adam's death had so many reeling in this painful aftermath...God Bless those who cannot see what we are---what we faced---and continue to....for if not for each other, I think our current lives now would deteriorate completely...we acknowledge that...we are only as strong as the other is...because it takes the two of us to hold each other up and prevent the son we have...from falling...today's a day that many wish for change...to lose weight, stop smoking, give up the booze...us? We have no New Year's goal, ours would simply be to be able to continue to look into mirrors and see the reflection we put force...and continue to be satisfied with the reflection we see---not physically...but looking far deeper into the souls of ourselves, hoping that to God's eyes...we've done enough...

“The life i touch for good or ill will touch another life, and in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.”
― Frederick Buechner

'Tis Christmas in Heaven
What a beautiful sight!
It's my second one here;
Everything is all right.

The place is adorned
With the brilliance of stars,
Wisemen have come
From Venus and Mars.

I've met all our dear ones
Who preceded us here;
The reunion was lovely,
An event full of cheer.

And tonight we'll all gather,
In reverence we'll kneel,
For the Babe in the cradle
Up in Heaven is Real.

I think of my family
that I left behind
And I pray that your Christmas
Is as blessed as mine

Please shed no more tears,
For my soul is at rest,
Just love one another;
Live life to its best.

Yes, It's Christmas In Heaven,
So I've heard them say,
Yet, Christmas In Heaven
Happens every day.

We love you Adam. and miss you so much

He is Gone...



You can shed a tear that he is gone
or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray he'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
or you can be full of the love you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember...only that he's gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes love and go on.

....this is exactly how I feel, I know I'll never have those wishes---or chances----that he lives on only in dreams, memories...and the tales we tell, but I will not ever succumb to losing my entire self, because it was "me" that made him "him" and he would never want me to live on in eternal sadness....xoxoxoxo I love Adam---always and forver

When a friend is feeling sorrow
That you wish that you could share,
And no words of any language
Can remove the grief they bear,
When the unexpected shadows
Fall across the path they trod,
There is no human remedy,
When a brave heart's torn asunder,
And it's courage seems too small
There is no solace found in pain
That overtakes us all.
When hot tears keep on falling
'Til they drench the very sod,
To find someone to dry them,
There's a reason for each heartache,
Though we cannot see it now,
And we grow with every sorrow,
That Heaven will allow.
Though we always seek the sunlight,
Earth is still "a vale of tears"
And only God can help us bear
The burden of the years.
We've simply got to trust Him,
And we can't afford to doubt,
Because He has created life,
He knows what it's about.
Because His dear feet also walked
These narrow paths we trod,
To heal our broken spirits.

‎'God hath not promised skies always blue, flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God hath not promised sun without rain, joy without sorrow, peace without pain. But God hath promised strength for the day, rest for the labor, light for the way, grace for the trials, help from above, unfailing sympathy, undying love...And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.' ~ Revelations 21:4 —

I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn't have the heart to let her down...I've become a lover of quotes, I guess it's the beautiful inspiration of those words that whisper Hope into my ear and then my heart---my heart is inspired and has always been inspired by the love I've received since I was a little girl, having befriended the other part of my world...my dear Lisa...life didn't seem to exist before her...and still...our love remains...and she always saw something in me that made me believe in ME...so "I" truly feel like today's quote...so many people tend to look at me...and still say "I don't know what I'd do if I lost a child"..."Or your life will never be the same"...yes, said over and over by many---not Lisa, she is my Spirit---uplifter---no matter what I do---even the smallest steps taken, she applauds me...before she had me---age five Lisa had a make believe friend....a big pretend Indian who wouldn't talk to her---I've lived and laughed at her recall over the years of how grateful she was to shake him and begin a friendship with me...and all it takes is the Belief that someone so loyal and true...believes in you...and that----can make all the difference....

"And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” –---I Hope and wish constantly---that "me" being here...is serving the best purpose...redefining myself since I lost Adam makes me seek purpose in everything, I laughed last night when one of Jordan's friends smiled and said "my God Lori, is there anything you can't do?"...he was teasing me about the homemade wreaths and boughs of pine I entwined...then embellished...yes, I've kept myself busy....perhaps, in my own way---this busy hobby of learning new things has helped me in more ways than I could put into words...our longs walks...Ted and I reflect, we talk---we share----as only two loving parents who have endured loss can---yet somehow on those walks we are still able to see beauty, and as we walk---we collect, I guess we're sort of like small children in our escapades---collecting pine cones and twigs, the stuff we decorate those wreaths with...then we give back---we often talk about how lucky we are to have the people we have in our lives...some, came literally out of nowhere...we think of life now---what's left, and what is ahead of us---after a glass of wine and sore fingers from my wreath making, I visited a friend...a gentle knock on the door...to make her day with my little creation...I boldly said "I'm tired of being sad all the time"..."so I'm not going to anymore, and those who want to be sad around me....well, I'll distance myself"...of course I'm sad, I still cry every single day for Adam...oftentimes I'll keep my sobs silent, I'll wait till Jordan's off to work, or I'll sit on the floor of Adam's room....remembering, but then something clicks, and I am reminded of ALL Adam lived for, like Abraham Lincoln's magnificent phrase....it's not about the years...it's about the life lived...and the rest of my life...I want to rebuild with the most purpose I can....it's hard work, but I think I can do this....

....what legacy would I leave? It's something Teddy and I spoke of several times off and on about since yesterday...yesterday was sad...so utterly and devastatingly sad---we went to a Memorial service to "remember" a young girl who was "taken" way too soon---her mom works with Teddy and there isn't a negative thing to say about anyone in that family---loving parents...kind and gentle siblings----beautiful daughter killed suddenly and tragically in a fatal car accident....reflections of a life filled with kindness and perfection...idealized thoughts which were reflected in the way she lived and loved....seemed like she had so much to do still---yet it ended without warning...yes, I can understand that...as we, parents who know that sadness can fully fathom, we stood there and watched another set of people, like me and ted----say goodbye to the child they loved...there seems to be nothing fair about it---yet as we drove away I realized I took away with me so much more than I brought there...trays full of cupcakes and a wishfulness that they'd find some Peace....yet there was more---much more...as her siblings spoke, their soft and delicate voices...almost fragile...whispered their love and memories...they ended with "We don't know how to live without you----so we won't"....my heart swelled as I fully understood that they, too, chose to live like we do----to embrace the person we had...and in some way....whether it be big or little...find ways to remember the love we had...and to keep our son's life in our lives and in our light...me, Ted tells me...when I die many will mourn...he tells me through years of nursing, I've touched many hearts, he told me the kindness my heart holds will be thought of by many---a legacy....makes a good person want to be even better...who wants to die without making a mark...yet many so--living a life of complacency----cannot or will not allow themselves to even consider the uncertainty of life...God can take it all away in an instant...there is no one safe---no special powers... no discrimination here----loss can be felt by anyone, it's randomness and unpredictability can throw even the most stable person off their feet...but you have a choice...give up and give in...or give it all you have....I'm choosing the second choice...I want to be remembered...I want people to remember me for me---not the sad woman who lost a son and gave up---I want people to see me as the face of strength----someone who lost much but turned away from hate...who still found a way to see her glass half full....shaking off pity and wearing a smile to help others not as strong, stand up again...God Bless those who have felt loss...who feel like their world is closing in...God Bless us all in sad times...and give us peace...to ease our aching hearts....and help us believe, that in time, we will all understand the whys......