"I still see and feel a lot of sadness in you-I know because you try and convince me that things are better and you are moving forward-almost like you are trying to convince yourself"...a friend wrote me recently---and yes...she's right but to counter back...softly I say---"what else is there to do?"....I do put that smile on...if not---would I place unwanted distance between myself and someone else? It's something I learned----even before I lost Adam....placing walls up does exactly just that---it walls others from coming to you. I've tried to keep my heart open and allow others love to permeate through and help me heal---and s-l-o-w-l-y I do...I've finally forgiven myself...a feat almost 2 years in the process---I've allowed myself and my mind a well needed rest in thinking my ability to be a good mom had anything to do with Adam's passing---no one except Teddy and Jordan know the horror that we endured not only that terrible night----but the 23 months that followed----and a sadness and hollow that will surely follow us till our own deaths one day...but when I squint my eyes and look back---on then---and now----I see survival----I feel strength....I feel God's arms wrapped around me tight...any self-doubts are easily extinguished when I look at it that way----and me? Thankfully I have my hospice background----which makes me certain that I am right where I am suppoed to be---healing takes a longtime---for us? A lifetime.....like a wound---I'm slowly rebuilding from within, heal too quickly----the wound will easily break open again---slow---steady----rebuilding----that's me----still---that work in progress........