Good Times Bring Bad Times


Good times bring bad times
And bad times bring sad hearts.

Sad hearts bring sad eyes
And sad eyes bring strong shoulders.

Strong shoulders bring warm hearts
And warm hearts bring old friends.

Old friends bring old memories
And old memories bring new smiles.

New smiles bring glad hearts

please forgive me if I say too little...or perhaps too much,
forgive the distance that sometimes places awkwardness between us...
please know that my mind is consumed with other thoughts...distant memories of a young man I shall see no more...
understand if I walk in silence...as tears fill my eyes...
as I fade out the noise of others with trivial matters...for my head is swimming with sadness...
Walk aside me...hold my hand...soothe my heart...this isn't easy...
each day is a new struggle...I wish to feel happiness again...and I do remember what that feels like...
and I know the son I lost would want to hear my laughter bellow once again...
sadness looms, I feel empty many days...wake to a new day with a hint of optimism that sometimes dissipates...
but I get up...and move along...with hopes that the strength of me...along with others...will carry me through...

yesterday I posted a beautiful quote...I do that a lot...I guess...like I have mentioned before, positive thinking = positive state of mind? Perhaps? Sometimes I am not sure...I am certainly not truly happy anymore...I guess me, and people like me...just learn how to live "best" with coping with constant sadness..."Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"...quotes like this have become my mantra...because I do go to bed each night with a constant "hopefulness" that maybe....just maybe ---the next day will be better...I guess with time, I have adapted. I fit normally into any social setting...but the person I was...simply isn't "her" anymore. Life is cruel sometimes...and leaves someone like me wondering...that big question? WHY? I miss Adam...and not only have I lost him, I have lost the person that Jordan was...what is left of him is filled with sadness...the longing and empty feelings that occupy my head and mind...live inside him now too...each one of us goes through the motions...today was Jordan's birthday and Adam should have been here...to eat with us---or share a toast...to laugh...eat...converse...but a mistake he made took him away from us forever...days like today are hard...so I'll pray harder and more frequently that somehow my Faith will stay steadfast...

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"....

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it....

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it....

"Before you can inspire with emotion, you must be swamped with it yourself. Before you can move their tears, your own must flow. To convince them, you must yourself believe."

"For everything you have missed...you have gained something else...and for everything you gain....you lose something else...it is about your outlook towards life...you can either regret or rejoice...."
me...it's one of the only things I have left...my hopefulness...I posted this on my facebook page and another mom remarked about it, how her daughter's death has caused her nothing but heartaches and tainted outlooks...and my heart felt her heart sink...for I could easily see that the loss of her daughter has taken away a great deal of her hopefulness...my life now?...I oftentimes feel slighted...bordering on bitterness, but something literally stops me from going anywhere further...I just don't want to do that...to me, to others, isolating myself from love that may be offered...friendships that might await me...of course I wished many times...that my life would just stop. Why shouldn't it? After all, anything really good is over now, right? But I do possess Faith...and with it comes Hope...and my Hopefulness is that one day I will learn the whys of all that I was faced to see and brave through...but mainly to be with my son again one day for eternity, for I know that's where he waits for me...

Dear Mom...
I needed to somehow let you know the depths of sorrow I feel watching over you and seeing the sadness that still looms over you...your heart heavy with the pain my passing has inflicted upon you...I need you to know that I am always there...riding alongside you...I watch you...I smile when you smile...I am in the laughter that you hear in the distance...the music you and dad listen to...I am the peacefulness you feel when you allow yourself to drift off to sleep at night...I'm there...I know you see me, I visit you almost every night in your slumber. No goodbyes or explanations to you by me left you wondering...painstakingly trying to see the whys and cast blame on yourself...but you're not to blame...never. You were a good mom---the best, you knew how I felt about you, I made a huge mistake and I lost my life to it...but your life doesn't end...it's not meant to so you need to gather what's left and mend...you and dad and Jordan, I loved my family and all those around me knew this...we had such love inside our hearts and home...things will eventually get easier...I just need you to know that I am safe...and that I am happy...and our love, the one that me and you had a mom and son...will never fade, I love you...Adam xoxo

*I had such vivid dreams of Adam lately and could almost touch and smell him...when I awoke I could smell his cologne "Joop"...in this dream he asked me to write a letter to myself from him...so that's exactly what I did...I need to continue to heal...

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don't understand yourself...

The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love...

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries ...it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.

She wrote "I'm chasing my dreams harder than ever because his dreams were cut short. I'll never forget him"...me either...as I sat writing back and forth with a girl Adam went to Catholic grade school with...a tomboy he had a little crush on in 2nd or 3rd grade...yup, I've been trying to chase all sorts of things since he left us here...jumping out of shadows into light once again...trying to find light from out of the darkness...trying to recreate a new "self" again...after my loss...the self I am now isn't the one I was...I see I'll never be her again and I mourne that too...
but who am I now? Remarkably, I am still here...I chose not to jump off a bridge...or bury my head 'neath the sand...and I, like her...need to create new dreams and chase after them...life without Adam...swallowing hard each day to verbalize that into words that are spoken...and absorbed...and finally...understood.

Limitations live only in our minds...if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless...since you've left me here behind...I had to learn how to live with loss...and each day I awake I make a conscious effort and decision that I need to get through another day...with hopes that it'll be a good one...and that a small piece of you will somehow reflect in a moment of that new day...and it does, with my heart wide open I have pushed all limits aside...I have learned so much from you here and now with you gone...Many things we've shared I focus on...always with pride...knowing what a good soul you possessed...where others may have paused...I somehow took hold of strength inside to push my limits...I love you Adam...always and forever xoxo

"I'm happy for your strength as you lift mountains and create trails in the forest to make an imprint like a river"...powerfully put words...I ponder the depth of the young man who wrote that...to me....with sincerity....my young friend...Adam's childhood friend, mentor...big brother figure....super hero many, many times...a boy who'd defend him till the end...even now in Adam's death...he still fights the demons that on occasion find us...I wonder what Adam would say if he could right now...I know he'd be amazed at the support his friends gave to us, continually...I remember much...because little things always meant so much...I'm glad I got to see my son interact...I'm Blessed I knew his friends...and in amazement I still am witness to those, like Earl, who want Adam's memory not to fade...to be remembered for the good he did, the hearts he touched and the love he gave to those around. Sadly, there are others who try and rip apart what we believe and hold steadfast to....but...."death visits everyone, only a few get to hang around being immortalized"...and like those who knew him well..."his memory" isn't of how he died...it's how he lived his life and the legacy of love that still follows...

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today...

...in a life of uncertainty, no one really knows what's going to happen next...the good...the bad, the unpredictability of it all...the only constant is that we have this one moment...and a chance to say what we feel inside our hearts...there is nothing at all that scares me anymore...because the worst thing that could happen...already has. I guess what I have left now is a depth of knowledge...recognition and an understanding of what everyone else has felt...who had been consumed by a severe loss as I...and I have been given the choice of using it...this new found knowledge...or allowing it to bring me down. Obviously I've chosen to use it's strength...but many moments still make me catch my breath...
I sat in church today and saw an elderly couple walking up to Father with the gifts for communion...something we Catholics do in memory of a loved one passed...my eyes welled up watching them...both white haired and fragile, him holding her by the arm...every bit of seventy something...choking back the tears...thinking, that will be me and Ted one day...walking up the aisle...remembering the son we lost...we'll be old people carrying the gifts with shaky hands...it's moments like that that almost make me give up...and then I look to my left and see Jordan, his soft hazel eyes smiling at me and I realize there's something more I have to do still...there's something more....until I see you again my sweet son...I will look for you each night in my dreams....always and forever, I will love you...

Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet....eighteen little words with monumental meaning...of course this rings true for me, for us...for Jordan who also struggles daily, as we...try to place one foot in front of the other and make movements forward...but in life...as we, the victims of sudden tragedy and sadness...watch as others who can't seem to move forward in their own lives and who haven't been afflicted with events nearly as bad as ours....but then again...I pause and reflect and think...God gives us strength to endure...it's the steps in a path I have created myself that he allows me to walk on...where others might lack strength, somehow God provides me with the inner strength that leads me onward. I pray constantly for continued strength...and that this path Ted and I and Jordan walk upon becomes less burdensome...and that my son especially...finds less toils along his way...and that Peace and Joy are 'round the bend...

I was wrapping an elderly woman's foot on Friday afternoon...she was utterly adorable and sweet, I was happy she was my last patient of the day...because the last patient is the one I get to spend the longest with...and then she looks at me and for some reason tells me about her family...her little one...comprised now of only a daughter. She goes onto tell me she had a son, who served his country in Vietnam...and was exposed to agent orange and died at 33...with with her little foot still held within my hands, I continue to wrap...and talk and listen...she tells me she had a wonderful husband...and her daughter who loved her....but she still thinks of him...the son she lost... everyday...and looks forward to seeing him soon, she is afterall 88, and not having the courage to ask (for it may have pained us both equally knowing she hadn't seen him for 30, 40 or perhaps 50 yrs. now)...but after I removed my gloves...and washed my hands, I sat down on her bed and put my arms around her...and told her I knew her pain. I asked her how long it took her to go through the worst of it all...I told her my struggles, and she eased me with her response..."my Lord, it's only been 17 months...it's early yet, it took me a few years...but you need to stay strong and I think you are...". I guess I am....for there are no other choices here...and we are as strong as we allow ourselves to be. Adam's death has taught me much...I know what's important and what's not...I know what's good and sincere...I recognize insincerities...I raidiate in warmth of those who truly care...and distance myself from anyone who causes my heart to ache...and I keep my heart open...and remember all the Joy that once lived inside...it never escaped...it's still in there...living...breathing...waiting...for my heart to continue healing....

I do not understand the mystery of grace—only that it meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us.