true love is... meeting someone many years ago and watching your love for them multiply with each year that goes along... having someone stand aside you in of all the good times... and having them there beside you when your world falls apart... true love is unending... someone who feels the pain you feel exactly as you feel it... who understands your heart and soul.... who walks aside you...never loosening the grip held between your two hands... everlasting love... goes far beyond passion...although with us...that never dims... but it's that feeling of completeness I feel...and know you feel...whenever we're together... True love---grown even deeper...when I thought I couldn't possibly love you any MORE... my love for you grew even further... I feel I am the best person possible...when I am beside you... your love gives me strength... True love found me---as a young girl...with silly ways... you loved me anyway...embracing how different I could be...and seeing value in all of me...you ALWAYS made me feel secure---warm---loved...special... with your true love---I am complete....I love you more than mere words could ever tell

someone's laying in their bed right now---crying because of pain inside their heart...we all can easily pass by others....thinking everything is alright, consumed with our own day to day issues of life while someone else is scared, or lonely...heartbroken, devasted, depressed...sometimes all it would take is an outreached hand---a phonecall...and inquiry...I lived it...and I have learned so much...something clicked with me...I was able to see the goodness that others, even strangers...have put forth to me....through time passed, I can look back and see it, I want to pay it all forward...I want to give it all back...with love...for I shall never forget the kindess of those who opened their hearts to me...

....as Jordan pulled me on the dance floor, all I could do was feel love permeate....from all of those around us...to us as we held each other close...I didn't want to let go---but during that sweet dance between mother and son, I got to tell him how much he meant to me....and I think now...at that time, I needed him to know

"I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.” ♥ It's been incredibly difficult to write here lately---time has made me different...perhaps more subdued in some ways but I do reaize and see that grief did not change me---it revealed me...and revealed the me I knew I was all along...I am the same me...I have a heart that's unchanged...I just feel lost somedays---not that any other person would know it...but I carry that loss with me...riding on my shoulders is an invisable heavy cross...and I still have days---many days when I need to catch my breath---realizing I will never see my son again...or hear his voice...or feel the warmth of his hugs as he used to embrace me...time doesn't heal all wounds...I wish I could help others by telling them it gets better...or easier...but it truly doesn't...some days are easier than others...and the ones with laughter and smiles truly make my heart smile back...I dream of Adam almost nightly...I know I am a rarity on that...many parents aren't able to receive that connection and I somehow am...beautiful and peaceful dreams...I know with my whole heart that ADAM loves me...and I know it's his way of helping me through each day ahead...

Adam...

No one could ever come close to understanding the depths of our sorrow...sadly---the only ones who truly "know" are those who unfortunately have endured the sames pains of tragedy...unimaginily....I miss you even more....always and forever you live within my heart and soul....Adam, the reason I am able to continue is because I still feel you pushing me...ahead....

"True understanding of loss can only come from a heart that has suffered the same"...I found this in a card a stranger who lost a son had sent me two years ago---I put on a good face...to hid away the pain most of the time...I am broken---and each day I feel my own weaknesses and hurt...I cling to things that provide me with some Peacefulness...although it's momentary...as I close my eyes and say "the Lord is close to the broken hearted, He rescues those who are lost of Spirit..."...wishful that the darkness looming on Jordan will somehow lift and that our little family can find a new form of strength and happiness....

"although the losses in our lives have defined us....they have not destroyed us"....I really...really miss you xoxo time rolls by---just more time that I haven't seen you---heard your voice...even memories are something I must recite daily---because even those can fade without you being here to remind me

Dear Adam,
I sit and pray daily---so much I ask God---I listen...for I have learned how to listen in different ways---sometimes there isn't an answer in words but oftentimes it's a message through something else----or something like a lesson learned through another's actions...I look at your pictures, I close my eyes and envision you----I try to imagine you being here---in a physical sense, answering me inside my head...when I'm lucky---you visit me in my dreams...I am thankful that I no longer have nightmares...I do believe you watch over me...and although no one else would or could be capable of understanding that...I know it to be true...being strong is the most difficult thing I have been faced to do...I don't think I could do this without your dad...he loves me through each day onto the next...some are in awe that we love each other so very much---but I somehow see your smiling face in my mind---knowing that you knew all along that the two of us had something unique...I love you Adam---you fill my every thought...living now is different...you loved me, you loved who I was...I'd like to say I haven't changed but I have...sometimes I actually like myself better...I think when you have lost everything...there is nothing more to prove...I let go of a lot of baggage...and the drama that is around me---I merely push aside....please keep watching over us...please keep your little family strong...please keep helping Jordan, he was your biggest fan...always and forever, my sweet and loving son XOXOXOXO

Thunder Road...

I post a lot of Bruce Springsteen songs on facebook...people probably wonder---why---why so many--so often, isn't she sick of "the Boss"...what others probably don't know is that is one of my bridges...to Adam---he and I and his dad always LOVED Bruce---he loved to listen along with us as a child...and went to see him with us in concert 2 summers before he left us...what was left in what remains...is the comfort Ted and I get listening to those songs...the ones Adam also enjoyed so eagerly...
while away for a well needed retreat---Ted and I landed in the middle of nowhere...a simple place surrounded by trees...flowers...animals of nature...the silence of everyday noice replaced with the wonderous sounds of silence---hearts and minds allowed to wander...no need to talk---the beauty encompassing us spoke for us...passing by an old country road twice--Ted said next time we hit that road again---we need to pose by it---because when else do you see a road marked "Thunder Road"...so the 3rd time---we double parked and Ted helped lift me onto the guardrail as I waited for his to snap a shot---then his turn---jumping down---we headed into the car---and heard it on the radio...with Bruce's deep and heartful voice belting our "Thunder Road"...yup---we swallowed hard...sat there in the middle of nowhere with tears streaming down our cheeks....a sign from Adam---I'd day yes---I couldn't make that up and I seriously doubt many would believe this happened, but it did and I believe...I love you Adam...always in my heart....

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“In the silence of the heart God speaks. If you face God in prayer and silence, God will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing. It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that God can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.”

I think God gave me different eyes---eyes that see far deeper than some---I know others like that---I was never able to "look past" things that mattered...even as a child---I'd lay sleepless worrying about things--I'd have little control of many things that lie ahead in life---but people mattered...I wasn't a gifted person whatsoever---I am average in more ways than one---but my love runs deep and I possess a care to nurture...I wish so often I could Teach others how to be there...for others in need----but I have discovered---it can only be taught to those who possess a true heart...and possess that same desire to "help" give "hope" to someone feeling "hopeless"....

Adam, I miss you beyond belief---some nights I wonder how I am going to live the rest of this life without you, it almost seems cruel and unthinkable...each day I continue to pray for renewed strength and each day---somehow, I find some....somehow....somewhere....I love you, always and forever, your mom xoxoxoxo

I became a rare statistic at 44...I wonder how this happens...life, that was the day my life basically ended, February 20th 2010...I do think for a mom, there is nothing more devasting than what I endured...me, and the few people we might have heard of or have known...who endured similar loss...and as time whirls on---one (like me) looks to the new world with wishfulness---not that our lives will ever be or regain what it once was---but our wishfulness to see hope and beauty once again...it's difficult...those rough days still find me---even as I run and hide and try to escape them---they somehow have become---inescapable...time passes---I remember days first---rolled into months---now years----I read so much that the first year is the toughest...I wonder who wrote that...and I wonder if their heart is as broken as mine...Ted and I...we fight the good fight with the sadness that looms above our heads...that gut-wrenching pain that seizes you from out of nowhere...when you can't breathe----upon daily realization we won't see him ever again...I miss his voice probably the most...the comforting sounds of him singing in the shower...or our late night talks...there was nothing more I loved that being a mom---and although I still am---we are all different...life is different...

living life.....

Life is not a race~~~but indeed a journey. Be honest. Work hard. Be choosy. Say "thank you" and "great job" to someone each day...Go to church, take time for prayer, The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh...Let your handshake mean more than pen and paper, as best you can....dreaming does matter...It allows you to become that which you aspire to be. Laugh often...appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them...some of the best things really are free...Do not worry, less wrinkles are more becoming...forgive....it frees the soul. Take time for yourself---plan longevity. Recognize the SPECIAL people you've been BLESSED to know...
live for today~~~enjoy the moment

I posted something I discovered about friendship---If I would have found this a few years ago, I would have read it----smiled and not truly believed in full the depths of meaning it contained...the seasons, the reasons and the lifetime friends...reading things like this validate my Faith even more...there have been people who literally came out of nowhere---stayed a spell to provide whatever it was that we needed at that time---and moved on---perhaps to aide another emotionally ailing family like ours....it also taught "us" that it's okay to do the same---it showed us the importance of friendship and many tiers that exist...I guess it all comes down to being kind...I have those who float in and out through the seasons too...life gets busy...but these people check in with us...and we share the love they breeze our way---then there are those...perhaps not huge crowds, but those who think of us daily---those who are somehow "almost" able to place themselves in the lives we live and walk in daily---and provide ongoing support....they have faces that make my heart melt....they have become extensions of my being...lifeline...I wonder if i would be able to walk or stand...or simply breath had it not been for those who supported me...and still---they hold my hand as I prepare to walk on further in this journey, the second part of my life...the one without Adam in it...whether or not you'd been a reason, a season, or a lifetime, I love you all...and will never forget the kindness put forth, I will spend a lifetime reflecting on the kindness of others...

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

The years of marriage are few...when measured against a lifetime....We have encountered joy....and shared confidence in our future...we have known hope's ending...and have borne the death of dreams...
We---together have been diminished...........
Even minor aspirations have eluded our grasp in the cruel shadow of the loss of our son....
yet, we still share our lives, and though the brightness we once knew has fled...
We have grown enough to sense a return of laughter---and uplifting to shutter the dimness, to remind us that tomorrow will come and dreams may be born again....<3

This is who we are....it is the love we share that allows light to permeate back into our world....I love you Teddy

...seldom in life---are you lucky enough to collect friends as beautiful and valuable as rare jewels...and in my life, I've been lucky to collect quite a few...I am Blessed with loving friendships...at times I would feel sorrow for myself (silently) as I so desperately lacked the luster of family...but through my tears I saw the precious pearls...the glistening rubies...the sparkle of emerald...my true friends glisten like the beauty of a gem...and as precious as these gems are---that is how precious they are to me...

...an old friend writes me now and then...and I haven't seen her....since before Adam passed away, but in her words...I feel her near me...in life...sometimes we all get very busy and we don't mean to---but we forget...I am me...and I am the only me...but I do see there are others like me...who suffer sadness...who probably cry themselves to sleep at night, too...I think in my own very small way---I've allowed people to see, read...view----the life of loss...people are naturally fascinated in the good---the bad---even heartache...although I do think most people are good, and truly cared through all of my journey...my friend basically remarked there aren't many people like us---she didn't put a tag or label to it....but she was referring to us....those without agendas, being my friend won't get you noticed...fame or fortune will not be gained by knowing me....my friendship isn't influential...I don't rub elbows with important people...I'm certainly not the most intelligent person you're ever going to talk with---and definitely not the most beautiful....me...I am non-threatening....safe....loyal....kind. Most importantly, I am Faithful...not only to what I believe in, but to my sons, the one here next to me and the one I visit in my dreams each night...I promised myself I would never give up....he is now my angel and it would shatter him if he viewed me ever changing...I see and hear some people say "I don't even know how you can smile anymore...or how you're still going on"...yes, still said...and more often than you'd think....and then I think on who I was...and what was important...and most importantly, who Adam saw me as...I was "the best mom" in his and Jordan's eyes...and there is still more for me to do here...I know he wouldn't want me to stop life...because he made an irreversible mistake...yup---I live with his bad choice daily---but even though so much went wrong---I am me...little altered my the storm that flew through my life...no agenda....just a kind heart---connecting with others....always

...after Adam died, I questioned myself repeatedly, many of those same unanswerable questions...is he okay? Where is he now? Is he in Heaven? Why him? Why us? Why me??? I talked...stayed connected, I prayed...I began to read everything I could to stay away from becoming depressed...I threw anger at God sometimes...wondering why me, who did absolutely everything I was raised to do as right---and still, my beautiful son was taken away from me and in such a unthinkable manner...I'd look back on my career...the things I had learned, being a nurse...and then being a hospice nurse...I thought back really hard and remembered my first hospice client, he was a minister...retired.... and I was afraid...not that I ever conveyed that to him, but inside myself, I was fearful of not being able to say the "right" things to this man of God...He knew he was dying, and he being a minister...well that didn't make it any easier for him...I knew he didn't want to die...in his life he still had many reasons to live on, although his body---aging with cancer was telling a different story...our hospice nurse-patient relationship wasn't an instant bloom...but I learned how to listen to him, I let him express his anger , I saw how it upset him not to have control of things he once was an ace at...he had a lot to say still---and I was a good listener. Our relationship solidified when he recalled meeting his hero Elizabeth Kubler-Ross...He met her years ago...and it was a moving experience for him...enlightening as he put it...she was the pioneer of grief, put many broken hearts back together by allowing people to view grief as normal...it was a common thread for he and I...and her writings gave him some peace...today I fell upon a mother's story, a story of loss and her writing to Elizabeth----her words profound...telling the grieving mother that out of her pain---if she chooses--comes a great amount of compassion, increased understanding and wisdom and love for others who are also in pain...it is her choice whether out of her tragedy comes a Blessing or a curse, compassion or bitterness...also concluding that "I want you to know that research in death and life after death has revealed beyond a Shadow of a doubt that those who make the transition are more alive, more surrounded with unconditional love and beauty you can ever conceive...they are not really dead...they have just preceded us in the journey all of us are going to take....they are with their guardian angels...They are with family members who preceded them in death and are unable to miss you as you miss them since they are unable to feel any negative feelings....the only thing that stays with them is the knowledge of the love and care that they have learned in their physical life....Believing that Adam is happy and at Peace, that he feels no pain, and knowing that Adam is aware of the love and care we have always had for him...has diminished the need for all of those questions and anger....I still feel the emptiness----I really miss him....But he knows I loved him...my love mattered....

...the reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past as better than it was and the present worse than it is....I remember learning that in psychology class...and for the most part, I'd agree...except with us...and my family---as our lives went along, Ted and I rolled along with changes...we had those hard times at some points, just like everyone else in middle class America does...but our definition of "family" never tarried...we loved being parents...some nights...still...he and I will quietly talk about how wonderful it was to have been a part of their lives...Jordan and Adam were never ashamed of us...we didn't embarrass them and they knew it...from being young parents we developed a quiet reverence to respecting their needs...we cherished the fact they were the kids who wanted other kids in our home...what an awesome compliment that was to us---and we knew it...that is probably the key reason so many younger people still feel compelled to check in on us...because of the love that was growing in this house...as far as future...I think it's too early to predict...parts of me had been hopeful that God would somehow makes things easier...but I see He's making me work hard on my own (with angelic support of course)...and I guess that's because the only way to find that "happiness" again is through self realization and hard work...
I remember the eve of the night my son went to Heaven...I was working late holding the hands and hearts of loving people who knew their loved one was going to pass...little did I know at that point what lay ahead of me in the wee hours of that morning to come...reflecting on present time? Yes---done daily and always with the most hopeful thoughts...sometimes I'll sit for an hour reading uplifting quotes...or silently praying that things will become easier...I wish I could be everyone who's sad personal savior...to prevent them from this pain, but I see I cannot, I am only one...but in my heart I try...and the small efforts of one...hopefully touch a heart now and then....<3

Life seems to spin on unendingly even though we sit and wish it would stop abit...

...when i die...will i be remembered????....and if i am....how will i be remembered....
.....sort of makes you wonder...or strive to live a life being remembered for, yesterday passed us by and here we three remain standing, like tall sunflowers....swaying in the wind, toppled now and then by a tumultuous wind yet not brought down fully to the ground...somehow, somewhere...someone gave us strength...
I recognize the gifts that others gave to us...their strength...their love...
my own gift, the gift I was informed of many months ago when I scoffed at the mere idea that I was somehow "given a gift"....but two years passing me by has opened my eyes further as well as my heart...as I walk in the beauty of God's surroundings... knowing fully that each one of us---through the roughest of times is allotted that gift, the gift of recognizing true pain and knowing true empathy...I thought I knew it...but I was wrong, as many attempts to "help" or "support" there was no truer knowledge of infinite turmoil that what we as a family endured...but God Graced us with support...no matter what life throws at us...or at others, we will somehow be able to empathize and support...

‎"Sometimes it is better to be kind than to be right...we do not need an intelligent mind that speaks....but a patient heart that listens....♥"

....Ted said it best the other day...each day that passes us is just one more day of missing our son....our pain never goes away, nor does the longing we have...the wishfulness of seeing him once more....we dread becoming old...and all the years ahead of us, as we are forced to live without him.....

To those who have left this earth brighter than when they arrived. One person can change the world. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Let us not judge, our time will come and pass as well. Counter-balance our differences with Love and Peace.

Thank you and God for the moments that began and continue for always...

Adam's friend...

....I am a strong person....but every now and then I would like for someone to simply take my hand and say that everything will be alright...
I know it won't ever be the same...but living life now is challenging...
my grieving heart continues to beat...as I have carefully learned the importance of readjusting my re-entry into life...part of it flowed seamlessly, the parts of life where love of others is concerned...that was never lost, there has never been hatred towards others...for in my heart I realize that no one on this earth would have wanted to see my son pass...or watch us and see how tragedy can affect a loving family...I've reanalyzed what is fair...and see that there are no answers...
so I crawl out of bed each day to face yet another small conquest...and I kneel often to pray, hopeful that God will give me more strength...and perhaps some Blessings ahead that might further heal this tremendous pain...and emptiness that weighs heavily on the hearts of my little family....

Dear God, This is my friend whom I love and this is my prayer for her... Help her live her life to the fullest. Please cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs You the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe. Amen!

I really needed that prayer...thanks to yet another beautiful statement of a wonderful friendship....

Music plays...inside my mind when I dream of you at night...
I can hear the laughter of your voice...
I can still feel you...so desperately, I feel your presence, trying to guard me...
watching over me...watching my heart literally sink when I try to grasp the enormity of you not being here...
It must pain you...to watch me struggle...to see the fight I am fighting...the battle I face with each new day...
The fears I have created inside my mind...you guiding over me...from your Heavenly loft...
seeing the many mistakes I made, yet probably amazed at the little conquests I have made....
you, my biggest fan, you'd rally for me...you loved my heart...you'd tell me
You made me realize what being a good mom really meant...it was the little things...
the simple stuff...things I thought everyone should do, say or feel...you said I was different...I miss that....I miss the way you'd make everyone feel special...
those things made me so proud...
I only wish God would have allowed me one more chance....to tell you what you meant to me...the impact you had not only on my life but on all of those around you...
I love you, always and forever...

"I still see and feel a lot of sadness in you-I know because you try and convince me that things are better and you are moving forward-almost like you are trying to convince yourself"...a friend wrote me recently---and yes...she's right but to counter back...softly I say---"what else is there to do?"....I do put that smile on...if not---would I place unwanted distance between myself and someone else? It's something I learned----even before I lost Adam....placing walls up does exactly just that---it walls others from coming to you. I've tried to keep my heart open and allow others love to permeate through and help me heal---and s-l-o-w-l-y I do...I've finally forgiven myself...a feat almost 2 years in the process---I've allowed myself and my mind a well needed rest in thinking my ability to be a good mom had anything to do with Adam's passing---no one except Teddy and Jordan know the horror that we endured not only that terrible night----but the 23 months that followed----and a sadness and hollow that will surely follow us till our own deaths one day...but when I squint my eyes and look back---on then---and now----I see survival----I feel strength....I feel God's arms wrapped around me tight...any self-doubts are easily extinguished when I look at it that way----and me? Thankfully I have my hospice background----which makes me certain that I am right where I am suppoed to be---healing takes a longtime---for us? A lifetime.....like a wound---I'm slowly rebuilding from within, heal too quickly----the wound will easily break open again---slow---steady----rebuilding----that's me----still---that work in progress........

Dear Adam,
I talk to you everyday, I know you hear me, I know you, more than anything in this universe wish you could communicate back, I feel you...so often, surrounding me...you feel the pain I feel, you wish to absorb it back---yet you cannot...I also feel your direction. Jordan began to open up more lately, I think he's also learning to forgive himself for things a young man like him shouldn't have to even think about, still we do...he and I---we've got this bond between us, one we would have never dreamt of...a bond you placed there...a bond of a memory that only he and I and Dad know of...Jordan and me...we fought ourselves a long time...not knowing how to move next, like walking through thick wet sand...he said to me the other night that there are so many people who would have simply given up...perhaps succumbed to our own demise...so true---but God gave us some superhuman strength, because we just want to give back...

U2 New Years Day+Lyrics (Full Version)

New Year's Day---I started dating Teddy on New Year's eve 1982, the clarity of that night still can be remembered vividly in my mind, I see each step, each movement, each facial expression as I was swept off my feet by him...in this life, I've never met anyone like him...New Year's held so many fond remembrances to us...our first year together, U2 had a song "New Year's Day", of course that became our song...and each New Year's eve to come, we'd talk about how we somehow fell deeply in love on that night...back then, it was "new hope"...through tough times to come, it became "new starts", somehow love would pull us through and together...maybe that's why what we have is special? Something always kept us together...I look back and remember people telling me that oftentimes a marriage struggles when a child is lost...well we've discovered everyone struggles with us....Adam's death had so many reeling in this painful aftermath...God Bless those who cannot see what we are---what we faced---and continue to....for if not for each other, I think our current lives now would deteriorate completely...we acknowledge that...we are only as strong as the other is...because it takes the two of us to hold each other up and prevent the son we have...from falling...today's a day that many wish for change...to lose weight, stop smoking, give up the booze...us? We have no New Year's goal, ours would simply be to be able to continue to look into mirrors and see the reflection we put force...and continue to be satisfied with the reflection we see---not physically...but looking far deeper into the souls of ourselves, hoping that to God's eyes...we've done enough...