mend...

mend...repair...restore by replacing a part or putting together what is torn or broken; someone dear told me she knows I need to mend...I liked that phase...I felt like pieces of me had been torn apart when all of this happened with my son, people who deal with loss described what happened to us as being "blind sighted"...this sudden act of being "blind sighted" is the most severe way of receiving loss...
so many obstacles followed...many months of questions, what ifs, many whys? But the bottom line is nothing can be turned back...there'll never be a rewind button...I'll never get to tell Adam so many of the things I yearned to tell him over the next years we planned as our lifetime together...but I am clear enough to see that I need to "mend" this broken heart...I need to be the person that Adam loved immensely. I finally realized what happened had absolutely nothing to do with me...or my parenting...or my failures. I had a dream that Adam told me I was the best...I know if God would allow him one minute to communicate with me, he would tell me he screwed up...that it wasn't Teddy or I and that he never wanted any of this to happen. I still see my son...in everything around me...as I picked apples with Teddy and Jordan yesterday, I almost felt Adam's presence with me...as we hiked the old Switchback Trail today and sat gazing off into the beautiful overlook...I felt like he stood aside me...taking in the lovely view as I did. Two full days...no monkey on my back...I miss him terribly...and I am certain I always will...my heart and soul won't ever be the same...but I'm still me...and I look at Ted and Jordan, our little family...and realize we're survivors...and we need to stay strong...we need to mend...for Adam's sake...and for the sake of all those who love us and care about us...