scars...

I could yell....I could scream...stomp my feet...throw things or sit and cry my eyes out...but none of these things have helped me...and when the bad days hit me, they hit me hard...
and the unpredictability of when these moments are going to strike continue...Ted and I...and Jordan...we're survivors...we didn't ask to be survivors...and it's not something we ever thought about...Jordan put it into words when he penned a note on Adam's Face book wall last night...heartbroken I read and reread his words...a story of a saddened young man mourning the loss of his brother..."The worst part of my days are the nights. Especially the nights when I just sit down in the den by myself. I often find myself about to say something to you like you're sitting on the couch across from me, but catch myself before I do. Or I hear somebody coming down the stairs, and for a split second, I wonder if it's ...you whose coming down to hang out with me. As sad as all of that sounds, I still feel like your presence is there, even if it isn't in the physical form. Please continue to help guide me through the bullshit and chaos that has been these past 7 months. Somehow, I still remain positive about life and keep trying my best to go forward. If it isn't you that's helping me to do that, then just let me continue being foolish and naive. Something tells me that it isn't the latter though. Rest in Peace Brotha. You were always my biggest fan, and I will always be yours...", his words made me cry...his words gave me some momentary peace...all I know is this hurt is unlike anything else...I wonder how helpless friends often feel...watching us in the worst of times...like visualizing someone you love spiraling down a lengthy staircase, hitting each step on the way down and being unable to rescue them from that fall...and still...we survived...barely....but the scars that remain...will be there through our lifetime...