smiles....

...entering the 15th week...in some ways, adaptation is easier...clearer minds...less careless actions...most of our senses have been regained...like taste...food begins to taste pleasurable again...our sense of hearing...we listen more when others speak now...our eyes...have begun to gain clarity...our touch...those warm embraces never felt any better...I tend to linger long when wrapped in one...the warmth I feel with each hug received feels like Adam's arms encircling me...and if I close my eyes...I can almost imagine it's he who is holding me tightly...especially if it's one of his friends...but our hearts still feel empty...and sore...little pains that twinge with each thought...each memory...
sometimes people ask me "are you doing better, or do you feel worse?"...and to those who truly never experienced such loss...it must be difficult to watch their friend go through this vicious cycle of emotional turmoil...but it's a pattern...and as others who have gone through similar circumstances tell us it's normal...to feel like this and to have good and bad moments. Ted never realized just how much I smiled...until I stopped smiling...and otherwise normal-looking appearance I have thankfully regained...without that blockbuster smile...my smile...was like Adam's smile...a constant thing I wore...his friends would often joke that they'd see me out walking and I'd be smiling...yes, i do remember that. I guess my smiles had been reflective of how I felt at the time...or what I was thinking about on those walks...and yes, I smiled often because I was so happy...my mantra "Life is good"...
can "life be good again?"...we'll see...I hope so...when I have an unhappy thought...I think of Adam's smile...and somehow it helps lift me from the darkness...