I live on. Out of respect and deep love for you and all of who you were to so many.   I know that I've watched others shut down. Unable to live anymore. Out of respect for you and the life you lost. I live on. I live on. With Hopes my life can live for yours too. That I can absorb some hopes of happiness that you'll feel. That somehow you'll watch me and smile down upon me knowing that your life was lost but it didn't ruin mine. I live in in hopes that the way I live.  Makes you proud.  

One of my favorite things anymore is getting up early and curling up in my cozy chair with a cup of ☕️ coffee.  My quiet reflective time.  My time to truly turn everything else off and open my heart.  Head. Ears.  Mind.  Today the sun shined brightly.  I heard the musical songs of birds chirping on the wire near my window. Peace.  Perhaps I know what peace is...someone once told me when life throws so much at you.  The gift you get back is knowing peace.  We become strong.  Unshakable.  Wise.  

If  you want to survive something as devastating as child loss you seriously need to reinvent yourself. As harsh as it sounds you'll have to in order to live on amongst others. The part of you that lived because of your child is no longer there.  And living in that hollow void evaporates all of your  emotions. Striving to be a different version of yourself  coupled with living each day to the fullest with quiet remembrances of our son is what we have done.  There is never a day or night we don’t sit and reflect on how much we loved him.  Or how hard it’s been living this life without him being able to grow alongside us....

“I noticed the many ways that life was constantly ending and beginning.

I paid more attention to moments of unexpected beauty.

I sought out joy and surprise.

I embraced the little things that would have made Adam laugh, and the opportunities to use everything that he had taught me in our times together. 

The more I looked, the more I found him. And the more I found him, the deeper I looked.

Eventually, I stopped seeing this life as something that separated us… and I started to see it as the very thing that could once again connect us.

I couldn’t follow where Adam had gone, so I would find all the ways that he was still here with me.

I welcomed the glow of sunlight that filled my house.

I looked up at the stars, more than I ever had before.

I planted things in the earth and watched them grow.

I opened myself up to everything, the woe. The sorrow, and the happiness… and I felt my place in all of it. I found the way back to my sweet Adam and in my search for him..

I found my way back to life.”

Life will never be the same.  And I miss you deeply. But the love you had for me helps me to endure. Xoxoxo 

......life is hard....this week we've learned of two celebrity suicides...there are so many others who die that the public are unaware of...because it's primarily the famous ones that make the news....the rise of suicides has risen beyond those people who die from accidents....this is a staggering number.  My brother took his life...."and unaware I am certain" of HOW many lives his impulsive bad moment of a decision would affect those left behind.  Everything changes....how can it not?  The suddenness of it all is crushing...it makes no sense to us left here in his shadows....so we try and sweep up those little bits and pieces of him and make his memory whole....but there are holes in that wholeness....because no one knew "his complete story"....the whys,  Adam didn't die that way of course, but his sudden choice, impulsive decision for I guess what he thought was a rush....closed the chapters on anything that would ever happen again for us...left behind.  I know it's been eight years....but we have MISSED so much....his bad choice has taken him away from us and with that went any changes of the future we might have enjoyed together as a family.  His absence has affected each of us in different ways.  Me, becoming more passive....Ted---the rock.... is quieter and I know he internalizes...Jordan, losing a sense of self at times feels uncertain which way to turn.  We, at times feel stuck. I am happy for the wonderful stages that others are able to envelope....I am just unsure of why my chapters have been sticking together....I want to write more of my story....and I will continue keeping on at this thing called life.  I hate that my child was taken from me and that it left my other son struggling....but the strength I have is very strong...so I will keep living each day with purpose, not only for me, but for my boys....I guess I wanted to write this so maybe my words would be meaningful enough to encourage others to think more, listen more, watch more and offer an ear, a heartfelt hug or some support to those who struggle....I know it's helped me many times....

changes...Ted and I knew we had to do something more...so about three years ago a conversation with new friends turned into a community effort which in essence has been warming our hearts, I guess it's helped us continue to feel purpose at a time when we questioned whether we still had one....or at least I know I felt that way.  I'm 52 now...I watch others with many different blessings that come at this time and age....and I pray often to see what God has ahead.  I wish I wish I truly wish I knew what He had ahead for me....yet I do understand I must wait....and life He gave...this very sad and challenging one without Adam inside it is mine...and I must continue on inside of it with purpose.  My friends on the hill encourage us....believe in us...see a light within that...singing carols, baking cookies, laughing...sharing ideas to do good things, we all have our stories....we all have a reason WHY we gravitated together, I truly believe that.  Last night I answered the door, Hazel barking like usual....I see a lovely lady standing there with a Christmas tote filled with homemade cookies....She hands them to me to use for our caroling project Sunday....you see we sing Christmas songs and end each visit with a little bag of tasty cookies to the shut in we entertain....only this lady had a different story, she wasn't donating for any old reason...she was paying it forward, we tears she told me our group sang to her VERY ill husband last winter and he enjoyed it so much, it made a difference in his day, choking back tears I asked about him now????  He passed she said I enveloped her into my arms, together we cried about loss...I have learned that only those who endured GREAT loss understand the hearts fully of those who encountered GREAT LOSS....my heart was full and although I cried awhile after she left....I know that I am being drawn into the right places...and God surrounds us with the people we are supposed to be with....

july

sadness lives within my heart...somehow I have learned to live around it.  I hide it...I put it in places where others do not see it...keeping busy with life has helped....I turned a corner years ago deciding I needed to live the closest to normal of a life that I could....people like me, we become "good" at it, good at disguising our pain....good at blending in...yup, that's me.  Last night I went to a graduation party and watched old neighbors talk....laugh....share stories.  Many times years ago it was Adam that was part of that circle...as times continues to march forward, less stories or talk of Adam is heard.  The life he had and shared stopped completely, Ted and I are left with little stories we remember and share with each other daily....I am crying as I type this because I do not know what I would do...who I would be....or what person I might have become had i not had his strength and love and belief in me...I watch him go through his life...and he carries himself with utter Grace and Dignity, he taught me by example how to continue...not everyone understands me...I think after Adam died that I somehow thought everyone would always be nice...play fair and be kind, especially with my situation...but in life, there is no free pass and as sad as it is...I've learned to gravitate to what feels "good" and distance myself from the negativity....by doing this I have learned the value of great friends....I have opened myself to new things, even silly things that I would have never done in another lifetime...I grew strong, but I also grew much more empathy along my path...there isn't a single thing I couldn't talk about...or listen to...or understand.  I feel wisdom (sometimes anyway)....from the healing of my own pain and what I've learned from it....I have learned to listen....actually listen....and through this I have learned much....MUCH about myself and much about those around me.  I still like "the me" I am...and have no desire to ever follow others in changing who I am....Ted and I embrace our good days and encourage each other...we also encourage others.  We keep our bodies strong, we walk, jog, bike...there is nothing that makes your soul feel more alive than being outdoors surrounded by the glorious beauty of nature...and those butterflies and red winged blackbirds still follow us along those trails, perhaps little signs that our son is watching us...I wonder what Adam would think of us...of me?  If he's be proud of where we are?  The journey we traveled...I miss him so much....

....another Christmas came and gone without you Adam...it's been 7 Christmas's without your warmth filling our home...without your laughter bellowing through the rooms, without the sight of your smiles as you'd make your entrance...God I miss you...next month marks 7 years since you left us...SO much media coverage lately on an actress who died and her famous mother who died the very next day of a broken heart...I cannot believe that I am still here...living life without you, my sweet son.  I made a promise to myself, that I would try (with every bit of my being)...to live each day in life for you...the parts of "me" that you loved best I would focus on preserving....with this new year I am vowing even more change...the strength I have from my Faith and love will continue to direct me to where I feel safe---comfortable and meant to be...I love you, always and forever xoxo

Carefully. Surround yourself. With people who only lift you higher...❤️

Teddy. I love you...

With you I am the best "me" possible. With you things make sense.  Life hasn't been easy. But you and your positive attitude make me see things in a different light. I love most how easily I can talk to you.  Never lost for words.  My favorite thing about  "us" is how we remember.  Each of us bringing up happy moments that may have been told long ago. Yet we will both smile and those memories become vivid.  I love you. Much more than I could ever say in words. My heart is full.  You are everything I ever prayed for in a man. My love. My best friend. My companion in life. You are the greatest. Kindest. Most loving man I ever met. And I realize every day how blessed I am ❤️

....what I have learned.....

What Adam's death taught me...that anything in life can change in an instant...or can be swept away in an eyes blink. That you can never do enough to help someone or show love sufficiently. So we need to love as much as we can...just in case. That not everyone will be there for you as you'd presume. But there will be other people who'll  walk into your life with drive. And purpose...who'll lead you in ways you'd never imagine. That keeping your heart open is probably the most important thing you'll ever do in an unimaginable time. And if you allow it...God will send you signs. I've learned to forgive. Even if the apology was never made. Silently forgiving someone who hurt you allows yourself to heal.  Letting go.  Just letting the weight of anxiety lift away. Realizing that I've gone through the worst.   And I'm still here. Why cast more upon myself. I've learned strength. That it comes in many forms. I've learned bravery. Sometimes the bravest people are those who fight quiet battles each day without anyone else knowing. Facing fears. Sometime you have to look fear right in the face and say I'm stronger than you!  I've learned self pride.  I don't need anyone to understand my journey. I know the ride I've been faced to endure. Other people's opinions really matter very little. I've learned that being kind is a priceless gift. And that it feels really good to continue in kindness. That helping others in itself helps me. By helping others we create unbelievable friendships.  I've learned that little things are monumental. That there are times when no words are sufficient but that hugs always are. I've discovered that Silence is a good thing.  And alone time is also underrated. I've learned so much. I know some people carry their burdens in a way that others see it as soon as they're approached. I've learned to carry gratitude and thankfulness no matter where I go. And keep a positive attitude and smile for others. Because there are others who endured hard times too.  I'm pretty sure God's Grace helps me each day. Thankful
That people find warmth around me.  And that Adam's love envelopes me each day.

changes...in this past year I have lost three remarkable friends, Dennis died one year ago....his passing was sudden and unanticipated...with this also meant his wife, a very dear friend of mine moved far away---so my loss was multiplied...then one of my oldest friends I knew since kindergarten passed away, again, sudden loss...leaving behind two daughters, one still in high school....leaving me feeling at a loss of how sudden we can lose someone...Angie was in and out of my life....a steady friend throughout all our school years and even through nursing school...then moving away...and sometimes our paths would cross intermittently, but when Adam died, she resurfaced and helped me through my grief...watching her kids struggle through a week of utter Hell is something no kid should see or deal with...with hope I wish that her love and God's Grace they'll weather this storm...last month my solid rock of a friend succumbed to the horrible grip of cancer....as it reared it's ugly head and stole  another beautiful person away from me and all of those who knew her...Mary....I met her when Jordan and Adam were little boys and Jordan was fighting with Will in our alley.  She was very different than me, watching her I learned how to stick up for myself, how to be stronger...she did nice things that no one knew of and to me, there is nothing at all cooler than that...she didn't lose sleep over what others thought and she loved my boys like her own...when Adam died it was her and her family that got eggfest going...I knew at eggfest7 she turned another corner...but not in a good way, she was faltering health-wise and the spark that once enveloped her was fading, watching her decline was so hard....I miss her so much...I miss them all so much, because you see, each of them played a vital role in helping me, us...my Faith is strong and I am choosing to believe that God did assign each of them a task to help us here, and I know Adam opened his great big arms to welcome them in....each of them embraced in his teddy bear hugs, if I am wrong, it's a beautiful thought anyway....I guess what I have learned even more so is that life is fleeting...you simply don't know what tomorrow holds...so we need to embrace each day and live it to the fullest....

time....

....it seems so long since I've seen you....time steals away so much.  Time...at first...was second to second...the time that would pass between the breaths of despair....time...aided in helping me escape those moments...allowing me to survive into minutes...and in time, I was able to tolerate hours...but you still fill each day with immeasurable thoughts and memories of you, me, us...our family.  Your laugh is probably what I miss hearing most...and since you're gone, I look constantly for reassurances of you...sending me signs...letting me know that in time...I, too will see you again....time....I simply miss you so much....

the more I love...the more "I" am loved....Such a long period of time, some days I tell Teddy "isn't it incredible how much time we've been robbed of"???  The long years and the struggles...the phases our hearts and minds were made to endure...but then we reflect in a more positive way in how "loved" we've been...in this journey...never far from our thoughts has been the kindness of others.  In my prayers, I've often asked the Lord to surround me with friendships...and He has...and I feel Blessed...and I've learned to welcome love again...right from the start as it was that love that kept me afloat....

how to heal a broken heart....Ted tells me I need to post things we did that might help someone else...the one thing we do---is always stay busy, sometimes it's difficult to keep going and going but that key element seems to be the one thing that has helped us the most...we walk and hike a lot...we tire of the rough winters we've had the past couple of years but all in all, PA. is a beautiful place and experiencing the change of the seasons has had it's magical powers on us...this time of year seems to be our favorite, the rustic colors of Fall...the crisp air..the lessening of crowds of people where we love to walk....and with us we bring Hazel...she has been medicine to our hearts also...her love is unwavering...she journeys alongside us...these walks are good for the body as well as the soul...having turned 50 recently, and being a nurse, I see how much better along I am than many others my age....I like to think it's all the care Ted and I put into each other...he takes care of me, and I take care of him....together we encourage each other....another thing we feel strongly about is our Faith...without that, what really is there?  Jordan holds onto the same Faith we do....one day we will all be together again as an intact family...we hold close to that...we treasure our friends...like precious jewels, we truly appreciate the kindness of others....that has helped us tremendously...I have a friend Janie...she is good---actually she excels in all she does....her encouragement and nudging me along the past 5 1/2 yrs. has helped me gain years back...through her love and belief in me, I started to set goals...I became SO much stronger physically and met others who had different interests...I've learned to color outside the lines for the first time in my life...there is nothing I am unwilling to try or do...and the words "I can't" seem to have escaped from my vocabulary....Ted and I, we fall in love all over each day...he is to me, what I am to him, that is each others world---best friend, love, mentor, every piece of anything missing...I find inside of him...I am a full person when I am near him....and I am pretty sure he feels that same way...We have become quieter, not because we have less to say, but perhaps because we hear more...I found I love my home more, it's in my little kitchen where I cook meals we enjoy....taking after my Grammy, I have learned to "can"....but more than canning, we collect our own fruit on our journeys and share little dreams together.  I can't imagine I'd be here....never....I wouldn't want anyone else to endure this and I am fairly certain many wouldn't want to try and imagine...but still, it is our journey...and I am doing my best....and I will always help someone else struggling....maybe one day someone will look at me and say "because of you, I didn't give up".....

....sometimes I need to stop, reflect and realize ALL I have become through my loss...losing Adam....I lost SO much...but with this strength inside me...I am the best version of me...I can be.....
since I lost my son---my heart aches daily, nightly, sleep is never an easy task....overwhelming feelings of loss and grief can sneak upon me out of nowhere now....I have more resistance to who/what a friend should be....I know I can't "just talk" easily with anyone and that everything means SO much more...What changed about me in a better form?  It's true...I can relate to just about anything....I don't back away from uneasy questions and although my doubts have increased, my Faith and belief in those who are good have doubled....I am strong....I see this because MANY people who endure losses of all kinds find comfort in being victimized and pitied...I don't....rather it be, that I be the one encircling them with kind words and hopes for a stronger tomorrow....I have become patient...more so than I ever was----often wishing this one "came to me" earlier when I was younger and I had a better handle on the stresses of life....but I have that ZEN mode now....me...now...has learned how to tune things out....those irritating and meaningless chatters....but my ears and eyes are open and full of things I truly never fully realized beauty in...me now....well, my love for others has grown even fuller...deeper....empathy....fuller too....recognition is not important anymore, years ago I felt it "important" to be known, efforts to be commended....feats to be recognized, how refreshing it has become to be silent yet present in those things...my efforts are recognized my those who need them most...and my reward is the good feelings I get upon performing them....years ago, I would walk into a room and wonder if anyone there will "like" me, the me now wonders who in that room I will truly "like"...and I am not saying that in a negative way at all...simply that if I am meant to be connected to someone, it will find me....effortlessly....the me now....simply is....God's plan.............................................................

developing self....developing new self....developing self acceptance without changing one's self
embracing the self that you always were...two weeks away age 50 waits to embrace me...and I at my age 50 self am ready to greet it, for you see---in this half century that I have live...I have developed so much self that I am in self-awe...

it's only after we've lost everything---that we're free to do anything....

5 1/2 years of living without you...I miss you buddy....I love you always and forever

I woke up one day---and realized I didn't want to feel like this...today or any other days...just wanted to stop hurting myself even further by living within the same things that "pain me"...living among jagged rocks...walking on glass....in essence....not situating myself among the things that cause more pain versus pleasure in my world....so I did....I used to walk into a room years ago---hopeful that others would like me...now when I do that same thing, I often wonder first, if I will like them....I didn't abandon any of that wishful, hopeful spirit....it's still there....even more so, but I would say it's redirected.  I feel best when I am within nature, walking on trails...exploring....sometimes the finest sounds are those of birds chattering, a squirrel scurrying by, the crackle of fallen leaves...the sounds of the wind whispering through the tree limbs....that's where I find my peace....my conversations with God seem best in those circumstances...I have a good relationship with Him, too.  I think I always have, He knows I still question things...I have learned so much, part of my healing was my acceptance....forgiveness of the hurtful hate I was sometimes feeling....it's gone, and when I learned to let this go, it's release was like having a heavy stone lifted off my chest....breathing is done more easily....I understand things in a way what others do not....I guess because of our loss...and how we healed, our empathy grew and grew....pain....it's still there....it's different now...it's changed, I can share Adam's memories in another way...I choose to show with my heart and with my actions....I live a part of my life for him, not a day goes by that I won't think "I am doing this for you buddy"....staying kind, being busy, doing little things to help others....it's helped me tremendously.
I am grateful....

worrying away the days....no, not me, I don't "live there" anymore
fretting over saying something that was heartfelt....sincere....or in need of being spoken aloud.....No, I don't "live there" anymore....
sleepless nights, tossing...turning....wondering all the immeasurable "why's"....nope, because I "don't live there" anymore....
My mind "doesn't live" in a bad place...I'm not angry....suspicious....I'm not mad....I hate all of those feelings....I can only control my own head and heart...I have no bearing of what anyone thinks....says or does....and even the best of the best can be pretending or lack sincerity inside their hearts and minds....I now live in a calmer place....I where control my on thoughts...and I am in control of me....
finding calm and peace has been healing....slowing down my pace...feeling myself breathe...embracing moments that perhaps others are unaware of because of life's rapid pace....
I feel the breeze gently touch my cheek, I feel the warmth of the sun as it radiates my skin...the sounds of nature gently sings to me as I enjoy the outdoors....my senses heightened because the heaviness that once weighed down on my has lightened...I speak with God daily and I feel His presence...I know I am here for a reason....and this is where "I live" anymore...