......life is hard....this week we've learned of two celebrity suicides...there are so many others who die that the public are unaware of...because it's primarily the famous ones that make the news....the rise of suicides has risen beyond those people who die from accidents....this is a staggering number.  My brother took his life...."and unaware I am certain" of HOW many lives his impulsive bad moment of a decision would affect those left behind.  Everything changes....how can it not?  The suddenness of it all is crushing...it makes no sense to us left here in his shadows....so we try and sweep up those little bits and pieces of him and make his memory whole....but there are holes in that wholeness....because no one knew "his complete story"....the whys,  Adam didn't die that way of course, but his sudden choice, impulsive decision for I guess what he thought was a rush....closed the chapters on anything that would ever happen again for us...left behind.  I know it's been eight years....but we have MISSED so much....his bad choice has taken him away from us and with that went any changes of the future we might have enjoyed together as a family.  His absence has affected each of us in different ways.  Me, becoming more passive....Ted---the rock.... is quieter and I know he internalizes...Jordan, losing a sense of self at times feels uncertain which way to turn.  We, at times feel stuck. I am happy for the wonderful stages that others are able to envelope....I am just unsure of why my chapters have been sticking together....I want to write more of my story....and I will continue keeping on at this thing called life.  I hate that my child was taken from me and that it left my other son struggling....but the strength I have is very strong...so I will keep living each day with purpose, not only for me, but for my boys....I guess I wanted to write this so maybe my words would be meaningful enough to encourage others to think more, listen more, watch more and offer an ear, a heartfelt hug or some support to those who struggle....I know it's helped me many times....