Dear Adam-- This year is my year of changes...after you died, I know a huge part of me died too...I still suffer the lingering blows your death placed upon me...but somewhere, somehow, I got some strength...and your dad and I are working toward a cause, one you'd be amazed by, hopefully, we'll be able to fulfill this commitment we made, to trek 65 miles from Philly to Atlantic City...nothing's been easy, the thoughts of being able to continue living after you left me seemed dismal...and here I am, 47 and reaching goals that only strong people attain, not someone like me...as I ride on Sunday, I'm wearing your riding gloves...wearing your necklace (the one with the shamrock) and I've trained hundreds of miles on your old bike. Of course I fell a time or two...but you know what??? Somehow I got back up and back on...when I ride along the beautiful pathways with your dad, I envision you, your blonde hair blowing in the breeze, riding right alongside me, I hear your laughter in the air, as I traverse onward, I hear your voice in the distance, cheering me on---I feel your gentle push on my shoulders, telling me you're right behind me, NO one loved you as I did...as a mom I know this is truth...I miss you each moment of each day...I keep hoping that this heaviness will lessen...the exasperating feeling that you are no here, with us... ride with me...this week-end, keep watch over us and help us stay safe, I love you, always and forever, your Mom XOXO

existing...that's how many live after loss....relearning how to breathe again---how to hold one's head up and push back the tears that lie waiting to fall....learning how to suppress the utter sadness...living in silence, holding back pain as the smiles we place on our faces fools nearly everyone...I don't have to pretend with him, nor he with I....together we can grieve...we can recant our tales....holler at the world, hold each other until each other's shirts are wet from tears....we can still say that it's not fair...we can talk about how much we loved him too---sometimes he and I can laugh and smile...as we remember the times before...our great loss, nothing's the same....nothing at all...we somehow how learned to live a different life...it's going on too....life...without him, unimaginably---walking by the old iron bridge the other night I looked down, I remember weeping desperately one day probably a month after Adam died...alone----like I was so often then, I wandered helplessly to the overlook, gazing down on the freezing flow of rocks and river waters...wondering if my absence would even matter....when Adam died...his death mattered...so many people were affected by his loss....through this journey...the journey that was chosen for me to live and endure---I came to see who I really am---and I never stopped believing in me...nor will I...as the dark days s-l-o-w-l-y began to clear...I realized what truly mattered and what really never did---I hope I matter...that somehow, in someway....someone was touched by me---that before I die...I may have made the lives of others just a little brighter through my spirit....

although nothing has been easy---the journey that we face does go on---somedays are easier than others...although in reality each day we face---poses new challenges...and for those who pay attention closely, it's the little conquests that we overcome...or the small achievements that we meet---that give us strength and present us with renewed Faith...I told Jordan that cooking has become my medicine... when I am lost in the kitchen, pouring over my recipes...my mind is lost for a bit---a welcome thing for Ted and I... never far away is our thoughts of Adam...oftentimes, when Ted and I are alone, we have the chance to weep together...without him, I don't know what each of us would do to cope...but when we hold each other and share one another's pain...it somehow helps...no one loved Adam more than we did....no one else can understand the pain I feel better than he does...each day

....thank you anyone---who has....over the past three years walked alongside of me...who held my hand as I gently wept...thank you for remembering me...but even more so, for remembering my son Adam...gratefulness is something that wasn't taken when I lost Adam...nor was my Faith, dignity or respect...sometimes tragedy can ravage oneself...end friendships...relationships...and bonds of trust...I'd be lying to myself to say I was unaffected...because I was in some ways...but I do think losing my loving son has left me untainted in a world that is quite messed up sometimes...and I...in my sadness have still maintained that level of love...care and respect that my children loved most about me...I sit each day blogging inside my head...remembering all the little memories I can...in the time I had with my family of four...so much has changed...and never has so much meant so little...but when you lose so much...it's a struggle to move ahead and nothing seems great anymore...but I do have great love...and I hold my head up to the sun each day---hoping for it's radiance to catch my face...asking God to continue to help me take steps in a forward pattern...and to Bless this life that remains...Three years ago today I had my normal life...until the middle of the night----it all unraveled...Please pray for us especially today and tomorrow...as we remember the life of Adam LaRizzio, a kind and loving, HUGE hearted young man who simply died way too soon...may he be remembered with smiles and joy forever...

true love is... meeting someone many years ago and watching your love for them multiply with each year that goes along... having someone stand aside you in of all the good times... and having them there beside you when your world falls apart... true love is unending... someone who feels the pain you feel exactly as you feel it... who understands your heart and soul.... who walks aside you...never loosening the grip held between your two hands... everlasting love... goes far beyond passion...although with us...that never dims... but it's that feeling of completeness I feel...and know you feel...whenever we're together... True love---grown even deeper...when I thought I couldn't possibly love you any MORE... my love for you grew even further... I feel I am the best person possible...when I am beside you... your love gives me strength... True love found me---as a young girl...with silly ways... you loved me anyway...embracing how different I could be...and seeing value in all of me...you ALWAYS made me feel secure---warm---loved...special... with your true love---I am complete....I love you more than mere words could ever tell

someone's laying in their bed right now---crying because of pain inside their heart...we all can easily pass by others....thinking everything is alright, consumed with our own day to day issues of life while someone else is scared, or lonely...heartbroken, devasted, depressed...sometimes all it would take is an outreached hand---a phonecall...and inquiry...I lived it...and I have learned so much...something clicked with me...I was able to see the goodness that others, even strangers...have put forth to me....through time passed, I can look back and see it, I want to pay it all forward...I want to give it all back...with love...for I shall never forget the kindess of those who opened their hearts to me...

....as Jordan pulled me on the dance floor, all I could do was feel love permeate....from all of those around us...to us as we held each other close...I didn't want to let go---but during that sweet dance between mother and son, I got to tell him how much he meant to me....and I think now...at that time, I needed him to know

"I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.” ♥ It's been incredibly difficult to write here lately---time has made me different...perhaps more subdued in some ways but I do reaize and see that grief did not change me---it revealed me...and revealed the me I knew I was all along...I am the same me...I have a heart that's unchanged...I just feel lost somedays---not that any other person would know it...but I carry that loss with me...riding on my shoulders is an invisable heavy cross...and I still have days---many days when I need to catch my breath---realizing I will never see my son again...or hear his voice...or feel the warmth of his hugs as he used to embrace me...time doesn't heal all wounds...I wish I could help others by telling them it gets better...or easier...but it truly doesn't...some days are easier than others...and the ones with laughter and smiles truly make my heart smile back...I dream of Adam almost nightly...I know I am a rarity on that...many parents aren't able to receive that connection and I somehow am...beautiful and peaceful dreams...I know with my whole heart that ADAM loves me...and I know it's his way of helping me through each day ahead...

Adam...

No one could ever come close to understanding the depths of our sorrow...sadly---the only ones who truly "know" are those who unfortunately have endured the sames pains of tragedy...unimaginily....I miss you even more....always and forever you live within my heart and soul....Adam, the reason I am able to continue is because I still feel you pushing me...ahead....

"True understanding of loss can only come from a heart that has suffered the same"...I found this in a card a stranger who lost a son had sent me two years ago---I put on a good face...to hid away the pain most of the time...I am broken---and each day I feel my own weaknesses and hurt...I cling to things that provide me with some Peacefulness...although it's momentary...as I close my eyes and say "the Lord is close to the broken hearted, He rescues those who are lost of Spirit..."...wishful that the darkness looming on Jordan will somehow lift and that our little family can find a new form of strength and happiness....

"although the losses in our lives have defined us....they have not destroyed us"....I really...really miss you xoxo time rolls by---just more time that I haven't seen you---heard your voice...even memories are something I must recite daily---because even those can fade without you being here to remind me

Dear Adam,
I sit and pray daily---so much I ask God---I listen...for I have learned how to listen in different ways---sometimes there isn't an answer in words but oftentimes it's a message through something else----or something like a lesson learned through another's actions...I look at your pictures, I close my eyes and envision you----I try to imagine you being here---in a physical sense, answering me inside my head...when I'm lucky---you visit me in my dreams...I am thankful that I no longer have nightmares...I do believe you watch over me...and although no one else would or could be capable of understanding that...I know it to be true...being strong is the most difficult thing I have been faced to do...I don't think I could do this without your dad...he loves me through each day onto the next...some are in awe that we love each other so very much---but I somehow see your smiling face in my mind---knowing that you knew all along that the two of us had something unique...I love you Adam---you fill my every thought...living now is different...you loved me, you loved who I was...I'd like to say I haven't changed but I have...sometimes I actually like myself better...I think when you have lost everything...there is nothing more to prove...I let go of a lot of baggage...and the drama that is around me---I merely push aside....please keep watching over us...please keep your little family strong...please keep helping Jordan, he was your biggest fan...always and forever, my sweet and loving son XOXOXOXO

Thunder Road...

I post a lot of Bruce Springsteen songs on facebook...people probably wonder---why---why so many--so often, isn't she sick of "the Boss"...what others probably don't know is that is one of my bridges...to Adam---he and I and his dad always LOVED Bruce---he loved to listen along with us as a child...and went to see him with us in concert 2 summers before he left us...what was left in what remains...is the comfort Ted and I get listening to those songs...the ones Adam also enjoyed so eagerly...
while away for a well needed retreat---Ted and I landed in the middle of nowhere...a simple place surrounded by trees...flowers...animals of nature...the silence of everyday noice replaced with the wonderous sounds of silence---hearts and minds allowed to wander...no need to talk---the beauty encompassing us spoke for us...passing by an old country road twice--Ted said next time we hit that road again---we need to pose by it---because when else do you see a road marked "Thunder Road"...so the 3rd time---we double parked and Ted helped lift me onto the guardrail as I waited for his to snap a shot---then his turn---jumping down---we headed into the car---and heard it on the radio...with Bruce's deep and heartful voice belting our "Thunder Road"...yup---we swallowed hard...sat there in the middle of nowhere with tears streaming down our cheeks....a sign from Adam---I'd day yes---I couldn't make that up and I seriously doubt many would believe this happened, but it did and I believe...I love you Adam...always in my heart....

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“In the silence of the heart God speaks. If you face God in prayer and silence, God will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing. It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that God can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.”

I think God gave me different eyes---eyes that see far deeper than some---I know others like that---I was never able to "look past" things that mattered...even as a child---I'd lay sleepless worrying about things--I'd have little control of many things that lie ahead in life---but people mattered...I wasn't a gifted person whatsoever---I am average in more ways than one---but my love runs deep and I possess a care to nurture...I wish so often I could Teach others how to be there...for others in need----but I have discovered---it can only be taught to those who possess a true heart...and possess that same desire to "help" give "hope" to someone feeling "hopeless"....

Adam, I miss you beyond belief---some nights I wonder how I am going to live the rest of this life without you, it almost seems cruel and unthinkable...each day I continue to pray for renewed strength and each day---somehow, I find some....somehow....somewhere....I love you, always and forever, your mom xoxoxoxo

I became a rare statistic at 44...I wonder how this happens...life, that was the day my life basically ended, February 20th 2010...I do think for a mom, there is nothing more devasting than what I endured...me, and the few people we might have heard of or have known...who endured similar loss...and as time whirls on---one (like me) looks to the new world with wishfulness---not that our lives will ever be or regain what it once was---but our wishfulness to see hope and beauty once again...it's difficult...those rough days still find me---even as I run and hide and try to escape them---they somehow have become---inescapable...time passes---I remember days first---rolled into months---now years----I read so much that the first year is the toughest...I wonder who wrote that...and I wonder if their heart is as broken as mine...Ted and I...we fight the good fight with the sadness that looms above our heads...that gut-wrenching pain that seizes you from out of nowhere...when you can't breathe----upon daily realization we won't see him ever again...I miss his voice probably the most...the comforting sounds of him singing in the shower...or our late night talks...there was nothing more I loved that being a mom---and although I still am---we are all different...life is different...

living life.....

Life is not a race~~~but indeed a journey. Be honest. Work hard. Be choosy. Say "thank you" and "great job" to someone each day...Go to church, take time for prayer, The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh...Let your handshake mean more than pen and paper, as best you can....dreaming does matter...It allows you to become that which you aspire to be. Laugh often...appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them...some of the best things really are free...Do not worry, less wrinkles are more becoming...forgive....it frees the soul. Take time for yourself---plan longevity. Recognize the SPECIAL people you've been BLESSED to know...
live for today~~~enjoy the moment

I posted something I discovered about friendship---If I would have found this a few years ago, I would have read it----smiled and not truly believed in full the depths of meaning it contained...the seasons, the reasons and the lifetime friends...reading things like this validate my Faith even more...there have been people who literally came out of nowhere---stayed a spell to provide whatever it was that we needed at that time---and moved on---perhaps to aide another emotionally ailing family like ours....it also taught "us" that it's okay to do the same---it showed us the importance of friendship and many tiers that exist...I guess it all comes down to being kind...I have those who float in and out through the seasons too...life gets busy...but these people check in with us...and we share the love they breeze our way---then there are those...perhaps not huge crowds, but those who think of us daily---those who are somehow "almost" able to place themselves in the lives we live and walk in daily---and provide ongoing support....they have faces that make my heart melt....they have become extensions of my being...lifeline...I wonder if i would be able to walk or stand...or simply breath had it not been for those who supported me...and still---they hold my hand as I prepare to walk on further in this journey, the second part of my life...the one without Adam in it...whether or not you'd been a reason, a season, or a lifetime, I love you all...and will never forget the kindness put forth, I will spend a lifetime reflecting on the kindness of others...