"Are you on the eve of change? Embrace it. Accept it. Don't resist it. Change is not only a part of life, change is a necessary part of God's strategy. To use us to change the world, he alters our assignments"....I want to believe in something like that...

"When you step into the unknown, faith is knowing there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly"....

rebuilding me...that's what I've been working on lately...I could continue to blog endlessly about you Adam...but reality now tells me I need to reconstruct what's left...reconstruct...me. As I sat in church this past week, I heard Father talk about families...and the variations in all of them...he encouraged us to pray extra hard for those with truly dysfunctional families...we all know the ones he spoke of...and to continue to pray for those who have good and strong family ties...and for those who fall into the "mixed Blessings" group...wow, that's me and my group...well...pray for us too... He didn't define it but I knew what he meant...my family is comprised of many people who have absolutely no bloodlines...it spans all ages and encompasses many different Faiths...it's those who came to sit a spell...and never tarried...it's those who chose to pray with us not once but continually...it's those who've held my hand as I learned how to walk again in different footsteps...FAMILY...within that word is AM I...and I wonder now...who am I? And how am I now defined? Only time will tell...

Merry Christmas Adam....

I still hear the songs, I still see the lights, I still feel your love on cold wintery nights...I still share your hopes and all of your cares, I'll even remind you to please say your prayers...I just want to tell you, you still make me proud, you stand head and shoulders above all the crowd...keep trying each moment, to stay in His grace, I came here before you to help set your place...you don't have to be perfect, all of the time...He forgives you the slip, if you continue to climb...to my family and friends, please be thankful today, I'm still close beside you, in a new special way...I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear...cause I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year....Merry Christmas from Heaven.....

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful 20-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. I am writing this not only for myself, but for all parents who have lost a child, and to all of the wonderful people who asked, "What can I do for you?"

At the time there wasn't much anyone could do to help, but after two years I have an answer: Accept me for who I am now.

When Rachel came into my life, it changed me profoundly. Losing her did the same. Her father and I work hard to honor her memory, but we will never "get over it" to the degree of being who we were before. I am different now. In some ways -- I think -- better. I am kinder, more patient, more appreciative of small things, but I am not as outgoing nor as quick to laugh.

I know people mean well when they encourage me to get on with my life, but this is my life. My priorities have changed. My expectations of what my future will hold have changed. Please extend to me again the offer of "anything I can do" and, please, accept me as I am now. -- DIFFERENT NOW IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.

DEAR DIFFERENT NOW: Please accept my profound sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. I hope that your letter will help anyone who doesn't understand that the death of a child is the most devastating loss parents can suffer and that the experience is life-changing. They may get beyond it, but they never get "over" it. To expect that they would is unrealistic, because it's a wound that may become less visible but never goes

It's only after we 've lost everything that we're free to do anything...
Re: Adam
"I had the pleasure of taking two college courses with your son ...There isn't really one thing (it was many things) that Adam did that changed my life... it was just him....his aura.... his character his smile.... Adam was always a jolly fellow and never really let things get to him. He showed me that sometimes it is okay to not have control over everything in your life. Often times it is better to just take a moment and enjoy what is going on. Up until that point I never really understood the concept but seeing your son in his daily life helped put things into prospective for me. I will never forget to just laugh and relax even when things are tough...."
I got this message from someone I had never met...and since my son passed away..I've received similar tales...stories of how my son, in his short time, had affected others in the most positive light...reflecting on this young man's recall of Adam's influence...it makes me extremely proud that I raised him...that this amazing young man, my son...was just that..."my son"...and it made Ted and I pause for a moment...and think that perhaps more of us need to heed those simple instructions...that it's okay not to have control over everything in our lives...and that's exactly how it is right now...and I'll accept it...just being able to see that there are blue skies ahead, in the distance...a sun that will cast new light upon us...and a rainbow far off...ahead of us...and that my son's spirit will ride on my shoulders even in the darkest hours...so that I'm never alone....

it was a Wednesday night...I just got done watching St. Elsewhere...I was tired...Ted was sick...I believe he drank half the bottle of NyQuil that evening....I just settled in for the night, having tucked my precious two year old into his beddie...Jordan slept soundly as it started...the labor pains and the gush of my water breaking...Ted had to muster up strength to fight off the sickness and be there at my side...because Adam was making his grand entrance...his birth was beautiful and perfect...like it was orchestrated to be that way...and amazingly, Ted forgot about how sick he was as he became the world's best dad for a second time at 4:37 a.m. on a Thursday morning..."odd hour to make your arrival" we'd tell him years later...and a little tow headed toddler awakened that morning to the news that he became a big brother...that was the moment in my life...that I felt the most completely gratified...roses sat alongside my bedside with a simple card...stating "I love you...thank you for my sons...you amaze me"...and that's how it was...tomorrow would be Adam's 23rd birthday...it seems like yesterday that we celebrated his 22nd...how could the months have passed by so quickly...as we, lost in a fog...saw 10 months pass us by....how can this be...a birthday without you here with us Adam??? There is no gift to give...for you're not here to open it...no card to send...no cake to be eaten...just lots of prayers and Hopes that you see all you meant to us...the innocence and sweetness you possessed...the heart of an angel...touching all those you came in contact with...we, the many who LOVED you...think of you always....and cherish the person you were...I hold so many memories....so many proud moments...I am who I am because of you, I after all, was Adam's mom...I still am...and I, like those many others whose lives you touched...will carry with me...every day...a love that is like a flame...burning eternal...until we embrace once again...I love you....always and forever....

Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

My God...this one hit me hard upon reading it...15 words...complete meaning...fully understood...it explains exactly...sudden loss...coupled with the loss being a child...added in the shock of circumstance...I often wonder how I am where I am...

Dear Adam,
If you have any pull at all up there...please ask God to help us out a little...things are rough...it's not an easy time...we keep praying and waiting for an answer...we miss you baby...more than anyone could begin to fathom...you fill my every thought...please continue to be my angel...you always were...here on earth...please be my angel still....from your lofty place...high above the clouds...watch over me...guide me through the roughest of days and the saddening nights...continue to visit me in my dreams...and allow me to find Peace...and please know...how much I loved you...forever and ever...

It's Christmas Baby, please come home(Yeah!)The snow's coming down....I'm watching it fall...Watching the people around...Baby please come home....The church bells in town...They're ringing a song...What a happy sound...Baby please come home...They're singing deck the halls...But it's not like Christmas at all...I remember when you were here...And all the fun we had last year...Pretty lights on the tree...I'm watching 'em shine...You should be here with me...Baby please come home...Baby please come...home...Baby please come home...They're singing deck the halls...But it's not like Christmas at all...I remember when you were here...And all the fun we had last year...If there was a way...I'd hold back these tears...But it's Christmas day...Baby please come home...Ohh...Baby please come home...Baby please come home...Baby please come home...Ohh...Baby please come home...Baby please come home.............Adam's and Jordan's favorite Christmas song...they were just little boys when "A Very Special Christmas" came out on CD...Teddy's dad got us a CD player which was a big deal in the late 80's and we'd play them this CD over and over as their sweet little voices attempted to mimic the lyrics of Bono and Sting...on the way to church, just me and Jordan today...rainy and dreary...as I started the ignition the radio was softly playing this same song...and as we drove to church...we drove in silence...I know he was thinking the same thoughts...that Adam should be here with us...just like the lyrics...

...the glisten of newly fallen snow, mesmerising icy crystals falling haphazardly outside my window...as I sit remembering many winters past and the joy that once abounded around our little home...the sounds of laughter in my yard...the squeals of happy children playing on our block...the sights we'd take in...from our eyes to our hearts...utter happiness...completely fulfilling...decorating the tree...baking cookies and making cocoa...the sparkle in each of our eyes as we'd daydream about Christmas...but to us, to Ted and I...the best part was the fasination...being parents allowed us to witness the amazement in our children's eyes...it was the best of times...it was easy to delight them...and seeing their delight made us happy. This year is different...and I see we're not alone...sadly, I know there are others in towns quite close, that will be mourning the losses of sons also taken too soon...as they reflect back on the joys they, too had once felt...and the sadness and emptiness that has now replaced that happiness...when all is going well...many of us "forget" about those in desperate situations...not that anyone ever means to...we just "get really caught up" in life...in general...and sometimes as we stand trimming our tree...listening to festive Christmas music...there's another family on the block clinging to each other crying...because this Christmas...someone dear is absent...there's an empty chair at a table somewhere....a present 'neath the tree that can't be opened this year....because it's intended loved one isn't here to open it...there's people left here...alone and empty to try and live on without their lifeline...Christmas...the birth of God's son...I never lost track of that being the true meaning of Christmas...I pray as Ted does....that God will give us...and those others like us....strength to get through. I hope God's gift to us..is continued healing....continued Faith....continued strength....I anxiously await to turn the page of the calendar to start a new year....perhaps one filled with a better understanding of all we endured...perhaps new hope...in times that seem bleak.........

windows....

...sometimes strangers find me... read me...and then write to tell me that my writings inspire them...some have told me it makes them appreciate their lives in a deeper way...others are struck by the ways I am learning to "cope' with tremendous loss...one person wrote to me yesterday and her words touched me in a completely different way, for you see, she told me she has her friend reading my blog, too...to have her look through the window of my world...the world of an innocent family struck by tragedy...and the aftermath of a son's bad decision to use drugs...and the sometimes fatal consequences it can induce into a family...even a good family...her methodology...scare her by seeing what she could do to her own loved ones...and it worked. I think that Adam's death has affected SO many people...obviously our lives here will never be the same...Ted said no one can even imagine what a family like ours goes through to struggle through each day and the fascade we must put on...as we muddle through...but Adam's death had surged a reality check upon many, many young adults...an awakening of what is really a hidden secret...that a mom like me can been easily thrown off track...I told Boo last night that Adam told me he'd smoke pot now and then...that little bit of what he told me was "just enough" to ease my mind of ever thinking he'd do anything else...anything "much worse" wasn't even fathomable in my mind...I hope another person never succumbs to the affects of the deadly drug that took my own son's life...I pray that Adam will always be remembered for all the GREAT qualities he possessed and that perhaps even now...he is somehow helping others learn...and saving the lives of others who have watched our family through the window I've kept open...