dreams....what do they mean? Are they real...two strangers at to very different times approached me with revelations of what they dreamt about regarding my son after he passed...that he sees my sadness...that this wasn't my fault...that I need to see his love and be able to move forward...



sitting across from me this morning...as I...in tattered p.j.'s and disheveled hair sat with continual tears trailing down my cheeks...listened to my best friend as she told me her story...her dream...so vivid and real it awakened her with shock and tears...I watched her soft face look seriously, voice so sweet and calm...my friend, my angel told me Adam was there...in her dream...that it was I alone on a chair...and Ted was soothing Jordan while he reclined on a sofa...the three of us sat stoically...facing a closed casket...and that when Lisa came into the parlor to give her condolences...it was Adam that was standing behind me...although I was unaware of his ghostly Spirit...she told me she could smell him...the luscious fragrance that was Adam's classic scent...and he looked handsome and well...and happy but he locked eyes with her telling her repeatedly that she needed to make me stop...that she needed to make me end the tears...and live life once again...she said she bumbled with words...telling him how sad I've become and he raised his voice almost scolding her to make me see...and then a phone rang...and she woke up and nothing more was remembered as she tearfully stumbled out of bed...she said it seemed so real...and it was me who he stood behind...my baby...he always worried about me...I always figured we'd grow old together...that we had so much ahead of us...all of us...the family...
and we wonder what else her dream was meant to tell....I wonder....

"Giving up=Giving in. That's what they want you to do. Don't give them the satisfaction".
Sometimes he's up...sometimes he's down, but one thing's for certain, Jordan and I are never riding on the same waves...that was his quote of the night...he can be quite uplifting and inspirational, God Bless him...and other times he's as down as it can get...tonight's my downward moment...I need something to give...I've given up so much....had so much taken from me...I often sit silent not even telling a soul how bad things have been...losing Adam was the end of my world as I knew it...and then so many other things have fallen apart...maybe tomorrow will bring me new Hope...so for tonight, I'll use Jordan's words as my mantra...and not give in...I love you Jordan...you don't see it...but you are a phenomenal person....

Surrender comes when you no longer ask, 'Why is this happening to me?'

always and forever....

I love you...always and forever, I use that statement frequently....I miss you...there is no one...in this entire world...that could even begin to imagine the way a set of parents like us feel right now...unless you've felt loss like this...you cannot begin to understand the depth something like your passing has impacted on our lives...nothing is the same...someone at work told me today that being around me makes "them feel uncomfortable"...fighting back tears...I almost apologized saying..."did I say or do anything adverse"....no...it's just every time I look at you I want to cry and it makes me feel the reality that this horrible thing could affect me and my family if it hit you and yours....so I'd prefer not working around you...am I supposed to take comfort in that? Adam...you'd always tell me that others would gravitate to us...me and you...we had this thing, an easy way...not too cool but just cool enough you'd tell me...

I liked being that person and now someone like that lady today...is trying to blow the air right out of my sails...I still have Hope...I want to live what's left of this thing called life...and I know you don't want to see me down...few people truly understand it...and we've felt like we've moved mountains in these past nine months...the three of us. We recreated the table that once represented our relationship as a family...the four of us...four solid legs that supported what weighed down upon us....like the top of a table...the collaboration of us all...working together, held up that weight of the world....for a time...almost effortlessly...when we lost you, that table teetered and toppled...almost fully over...but somehow, the three of us formed a tripod and kept that table sturdy...I guess I just need a few miracles to happen...I need to find Peace...I need to heal further and I need ongoing love and support...I am I and you are you....and I am here and you are in Heaven...but each night lately you visit my dreams...pleasant and comforting dreams...Dad tells me if you held the power to visit me in those dreams...you definitely would...because you miss me too...I cry because I never got that final chance to tell you how much I loved you...or to say good bye....or how amazing you've been....and how much each little part of you meant to me...life was cruel....harsh....unforgiving for some time...but I am thankful, that I had you...my treasure...my son...my love, will run always and forever....

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend....that is how Teddy and I saw life...and are trying to still envision what is left...

Hope is not about everything turning out okay; it is about being okay no matter how things turn out.....

surrender...to give in...give up...admit defeat? Or surrender oneself to the level of being unable to do anything more and wholly submit themselves to God...for his direction...and after the surrender...as we wave self admitted defeat with our little white flags...how long will it be for us to discover the new plan? Does everything need to fall apart completely before it can be rebuilt?

I've been writing for many months now....approaching our ninth month without our son Adam...I've never written for help...or prayer...or favor...no, I wouldn't do that....till now...I'm asking that if you read me...that you take an extra moment and pray really hard for the son I still have beside me...all of what has happened over these terrible months have raged havock on him...I've never seen him so sad...so down...so lost...for those who believe in family...please believe in us...that somehow things will ease...nothing has gone right for us...we take one step forward and fall three steps back....I read that God only gives you what you are able to endure...I want to believe that and then I look at all the stuff that still is going wrong around us...and question when it will all stop? The hardships are so immense...things others probably would never think of...we are experiencing...everything is hard...

One of Adam's friends dropped by last night, yet another beautiful person who still thinks about us...about how we feel with him gone from our lives...a glass of wine shared...some tears and some happier stories about the boy we loved so well...I write endlessly about how I miss him...the sadness...on and on...but she actually made me laugh when she shared something silly...that only those who knew my son well enough could truly appreciate...she told me while standing in line at his wake...a bunch of girls gathered in line and questioned each other about what they were wearing and the appropriateness of their attire...one of the girls said "I dressed like Adam would have told me to....I'd imagine him telling me to put on something sexy and go out"...and that's what I did"....and I have not one doubt in my mind that she was right...that's exactly what he'd have said with his little grin....xoxo

purpose...a word I bring up so often. I guess as we all age, we wonder what our purpose is anyway. I would often hear older dying people question whether they fulfilled their purpose.

I do that...even as a grieving mom. I wonder if my purpose has changed....now that I lost Adam?

Or perhaps a new purpose was put into place by God...or delving even deeper....was this the purpose in the first place? The complexities of religion confuse us with a question like that...but each life lived needs purpose. Reflecting on Adam's life...I, as well as many others could see his purpose...or at least one of the main purposes he possessed was his influence on others...he was a leader...he had this positive spirit that seemed to pull people together...his talent? He had many but what stood out the most...from a parental view...was his voice....and not just the fact that he liked to sing....no, it went way beyond that. He had a voice that commanded attention, he had a voice that people listened to...mixed with kind and gentle laughter and teasing...yet with the ability to talk seriously with direction and conviction when needed. He was passionate about what he thought was right...and he never tried to talk people into following on the bad path. Even if he found personal failures, he's be the first to admit it...and steer you off the wrong way.

I think Adam's purpose was to lead by example...to teach...even in his passing....I see it continue...I need to keep focusing that the greatest tragedy is not death....but a life without purpose...Adam's life had been full of purpose...I need to continue on with his legacy in mind...

...the quietness of certain people...a young man standing at my stove next to my husband...soft chatter...the sound of chopping...intermingled with laughter from downstairs...in my den. Another Sunday....football...food...and those who've gathered here in our home for years now...to watch the games and share fellowship among friends...many are good to us...but there have been a few special angels who just seem to know the right things to do...sometimes, actually most times, it's beyond words...the relief I find most comforting is the hugs I get...and when our dear friend who shares the same name as my son holds me...I feel sincerity and love...it's the little things he's done for months now...effortless actions...making sure we're okay...spending time with Ted...with Jordan and with me...the walks shared...and many conversations...making us feel like we're all part of this little family with him in it...when our son passed away, he knew to step right in...with his quiet and gentle ways...always a hand out to guide us through the haze...someone dear once told me that God takes...but he also gives...I think God sent us a few little angels that look after us as we heal...

I decided to do a little light reading before I went to bed last night...so for some reason, I choose to read Adam's favorite story, silly as that sounds, it gave me such warmth and comfort...my niece sent me a copy and as I sat reading the tale my son loved so much...I saw so much symbolism in it's simplistic story...the fact that Sylvester's parents loved him so much...but also how they loved each other....just like me and Teddy...and how they tried to recollect themselves after they "lost" their son....just like us...although no happy ending awaits our tale...another symbol I found was that as Sylvester was "that rock"...Adam is in pieces of everything around us still...as hard as it is...we, like his family must move on....and before I read this story, Ted and I sat talking about life now...and how people see us...he remarked that unless they see him at work or in church, he's out of sight...just like me. Perhaps people need to see us more to reassure them we're proceeding with life...because we need to...he always seems to analyze but he's always right....I was at the dental office the other day and as kind and lovely as they all are...I could sense some mild awkwardness...but the end of my visit, I was in the arms of my hygienist...she thanked me for making a potentially awkward visit not awkward at all...and for those daring enough to experience me...they see I'm still the same...just a sadder version...I want people to see our strength...it took me a very long time to get to this point...the point of wanting to move forward....sadly, I used to awake and wish I could just join my son...but with the passing of time, I see I'm meant to be here...that I still have purpose and that so many people love me still...

Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light....I could feel the electricity inside of me when I met Ted and over and over again through my years with raising my boys...the energy that surged from within me...Faith that flowed effortlessly...unstoppable...and even now...in this, the saddest of times, I still feel that "Faith"...although it's dimmed and low...almost hidden, I still feel it...

Dear Adam...
Someone told me tonight "Unfortunately there will always be people trying to take your grief away, don't let them"...you know, I think that person may have been one of those rare people who said exactly the right thing...I need to let this pain out...and it may take a very long time....and it's okay....because I loved you oh so much...and I'm prepared for the time it'll take to heal...the next lifetime...I love you...always and forever xoxoxoxo
Love, Mom