Catherine Edwards (wife of senator John Edwards) once described losing her son Wade in comparison to suffering an amputation...very similar thoughts have been shared by me...I can totally relate ...the loss of my son is comparable to that...and much more...it's a task that is unattainable, to fully share the woe and heartache felt by losing a child...but thinking about that sort of loss makes people understand better...at least I think they could...if someone loses an appendage, people don't ask months or years later, are you over losing your leg? No one would say that...but there are people who would ask without thinking "are you over the loss of your son yet"...yes, it's true, it happens...the loss that the amputee feels is lifelong...the phantom pains that accompany it...looking at the piece of what their life is missing...day in and day out...that's us...as we look for signs of Adam...but there are none...all the pictures in the world...or the wonderful tales can't bring him back to life...you can't see my loss...because all my parts are still in place...but deep inside my heart is a huge emptiness that Adam's life had once filled...someone told me tonight "that though we've never met in this lifetime...His love is like a ripple in a pond, I have seen it spread and touch my heart"....my son had that affect on others...I miss him...his special gift...and the love he gave so freely....

"God doesn't want us merely to 'get through' our problems. He wants us to 'grow through' them"....growth...infancy to childhood into young adulthood...and that's how far we had our son...
we watched him grow...did all that we could, or at least did what we thought would be best...I was his age when I had my family completed...imagine, a mom of two by 22...I had so much to learn...so much more "growing up" to do myself at that point, but two little reasons (actually two really big reasons) made me strive to become a good mom...and a good human being. So I learned how to grow through those obstacles that stood in our pathways over the years...a head full of assorted knowledge...many mistakes made...many lessons learned...sometimes I get overwhelmed...the other day I had to drop labwork off at the urgent care center for a patient of mine...the waiting room was lined with sick people...a small tow-headed boy with full rosy cheeks was crying for his mommy and all I could do was swallow hard...that was me...I was "mommy"...like so many of us mothers....thankfully, those like me, who've lost a child are far and few between...but the sad few of us that are here...have to deal with that constant torture...the flashes of memories...the hurt...the longing...the ongoing looks from others that question "where we are" in our progress...no matter how I try and shake the sad memories of that dreadful night...it'll sneak up on me when I least expect it...growth....yes...we're growing...in many ways...things I would have never pondered...are pondered now...accepting the hands of those who want to walk alongside me...I just want this pain to go away...but I see it's going to live there a long time...

scars...

I could yell....I could scream...stomp my feet...throw things or sit and cry my eyes out...but none of these things have helped me...and when the bad days hit me, they hit me hard...
and the unpredictability of when these moments are going to strike continue...Ted and I...and Jordan...we're survivors...we didn't ask to be survivors...and it's not something we ever thought about...Jordan put it into words when he penned a note on Adam's Face book wall last night...heartbroken I read and reread his words...a story of a saddened young man mourning the loss of his brother..."The worst part of my days are the nights. Especially the nights when I just sit down in the den by myself. I often find myself about to say something to you like you're sitting on the couch across from me, but catch myself before I do. Or I hear somebody coming down the stairs, and for a split second, I wonder if it's ...you whose coming down to hang out with me. As sad as all of that sounds, I still feel like your presence is there, even if it isn't in the physical form. Please continue to help guide me through the bullshit and chaos that has been these past 7 months. Somehow, I still remain positive about life and keep trying my best to go forward. If it isn't you that's helping me to do that, then just let me continue being foolish and naive. Something tells me that it isn't the latter though. Rest in Peace Brotha. You were always my biggest fan, and I will always be yours...", his words made me cry...his words gave me some momentary peace...all I know is this hurt is unlike anything else...I wonder how helpless friends often feel...watching us in the worst of times...like visualizing someone you love spiraling down a lengthy staircase, hitting each step on the way down and being unable to rescue them from that fall...and still...we survived...barely....but the scars that remain...will be there through our lifetime...

Resentment...my sister told me she feared I may grow resentful should I return to working in the Hospice field once again...and before my return, I did ponder that same thought...now, since my return to work, I can honestly say I never yet have felt that feared emotion...I'm not resentful because I feel their pain...what they feel is so alike what my heart feels...they have time to think about what is foreseen...and then they face their demise...my heart goes out to them...I'm still not able to be there during a death...and I'm not sure how I ever will be...because of what I endured...but I am so glad that resentment wasn't something I felt...

Oh yeah, life goes on....long after the thrill of living is gone, wow...powerful words...and the funny thing is I read those words everyday....words from a song from my "growing up years", in fact I was in high school when that song was released...and I loved that song, I loved John Cougar Mellencamp...back then he went by only one last name...those words are painted on a small piece of slate that two of Adam's buddies placed at his grave site...along with a great black and white photo of Adam...which through the past 7 months of sun, rain, wind and weather...has almost faded away completely...but those words remain vivid...and last night...it struck me, the intensity of what those simple lyrics mean...at least to me...perhaps in our lives...we really only "live" so long and "exist" most of the other times...I think Adam lived in each moment...that he embraced life fully...I have to tell myself things like that or else I'll dwell in sadness...I want to believe that while he was here, with us, that he loved life...and that now...he's surrounded by Peace and watching over all of us here...trying to live on...long after the thrill of having him....is gone....

"We are never so lost that our angels cannot find us"....

Dear Adam...

Yesterday was our church picnic...it was a big day for me...big steps...seeing so many people all at once and trying to feel somewhat normal as I helped in this event...and yes, again I met another goal, the little steps forward continue at my own pace, but these steps are achieved and are solid...I stood at the dessert stand and watched your father scurry about...his commitment apparent...I watched the seriousness in his face, the passion in all he does...I sometimes wonder if anyone else knows how great he is...the man he...over the years has become? A friend mentioned to me...how Ted has aged over the past several months...it seemed his hair went from dark blond to gray overnight...the lines of stress now trace his handsome face...he puts on a good show...but he is so sad inside...we both are. We look around some days...thinking this was all a very horrible dream and that you'll appear...but you don't...when you first passed, it didn't seem real...I would secretly wish I had a stroke...or was in a coma...and that I'd wake up and this had all been a long nightmare...some of your friends told me they pretend you're still here...and that they just haven't seen you in awhile...not accepting the reality is easier they tell me...and I suppose that's why some of your closest friends stay at a distance...each day brings different emotions...not only for me...but for so many others who loved you...even those who barely knew you seem to want to have known you...and even those sweet souls have touched our lives by the caring they've shown....people may enter our lives briefly...momentarily....as perhaps an orchestrated task from above...but it's purposefulness is overwhelming...and those who keep coming back...to make sure we're okay...that helps us through the most difficult of days.....

Lucky? Can I ever feel lucky again? I guess that can be a question placed under the "will I ever belly-laugh again, or ever feel truly happy again" list...along with the many other things I'll surely question in the future...but upon thinking further...I am lucky I have some of the friends that I have....or else I'd probably still be in bed right now...Adam wasn't lucky often, again, it was something he'd joke about...he often would lose in card games...be ahead in online poker only to lose big in the end...stuck with his teams on a friendly bet and then have to pay back...
Luck? Ted and I were never lucky either...we'd had some tough breaks over the years....but those tough breaks never got us down, because no matter how bad the "thing" we were going through was...somehow, we'd think "well, we have each other and we have these two great boys, so we're lucky there"...lucky? We see life in a completely different way...nothing is the same...
and as far as luck goes...I see there is no such thing. Life is a risk...death chooses who it may...and we can pray...go to church...profess our devotions...we can serve...we can feed our bodies, souls and minds...and lead purposeful lives...and still, we are plucked or afflicted with things we simply cannot understand...good people developing sad illnesses...accidents that scoop up a life in a moment...and we can rack our brains around it all trying to figure out the whys and never conclude it...it almost makes someone think...why bother anymore? Jordan and I talked deeply about this one...multiple times...but I have to agree with my knowledgeable boy...when he said "let's not lose the Faith Mom....cause even if we continue to lead good lives until the day we die...and we were wrong about everything...and nothing is what we had believed...or were taught...what bad would come out of living that way?"...I guess I'm lucky I can understand from where he speaks...lucky I'm still holding onto my Faith...holding onto what's left....

Dear Adam....
So much has changed here in the last seven months...our activity and movements could be easily compared to slow motion...arms and legs dragging with exaggerated movements...even the way we talked...slower and more quiet...thought processes.....delayed...our minds...consumed with the sadness of missing you. Time doesn't heal...for the ache I feel is still painfully there....a vivid reminder each waking moment that I lost my son...a piece of my heart is gone forever and all the memories and pictures could not even begin to refill the hollow that lives there now...but for those who aren't aware...they'd be surprised about the progress our family has made...because we had to...we either had to move ahead and gain strength or be swallowed into a world where the weak wilt away...I've done new things...like learned how to make pickles...and homemade salsa...I've made some new friends...surprised many by returning to my work...and ended up feeling happier being a nurse for a few hours versus dwelling in my own tears...I learned to be the family barber...okay, I'm still perfecting that skill...and honed my writing skills...I've been reading many books....and leaving my home open to others who need encouragement...as we cry together...thing is...I think you'd be proud of me...of us...of how we know our family must live on...in someway...even though you're not physically with us...honey, I take you with me each day...I know Dad and Jordan do also...as we drive along...as we perform our tasks...as we lie in bed at night, we all think of you and the beauty you gave our lives by having touched them in the unique way you lived and loved...last night, cousin Jen's kids stayed with us for a few hours...and we had so much fun...when they left I reflected on how much I loved that role...being a mom...and how easily it all comes to me...and the joy I feel with those kids around me...that I have so much more to give...I hope my journey keeps kids flourishing around us...I have so much more to give...

I read something that Sheryl Crow stated somewhere...sometime ago... "We talk about defining moments, but I think nothing can define you. They're all refining moments. You're constantly refining yourself and refining your life"...I liked that...it sounds hopeful and inspiring... and that's what my family needs right now, some little bits of Hope and that something will happen...in time, to allay this heaviness that we all feel upon our hearts. I am learning to redefine "me"...and as I watch Jordan and view Ted, I can see their little strides toward progress, as well as my own...it's truly not fair...that we have to work so hard, to overcome this terrible grief that was cast upon us, like a rug swiftly ripped from beneath our feet without warning...but when it comes down to it...what are our alternatives? To live on with bitter hearts...to end life...and ruin others? Or to face each day with a redefining optimism searching for a purpose to live on and strive for...my own disappointments will always trail me...but through the many mistakes I made since birth, I learned much from each of them...the mistakes I made taught me life's lessons and helped mold me into the person I am today...the person who others feel easily close to...I'm learning each day...and I'm holding tightly to that optimism that is out there somewhere...I'm refining and redefining all of the time...I'm doing this for my sons...the one I can hold in my arms and the other who lives in my heart...

Dear Adam,

I wonder what life is like for you in Heaven...Dad and I try to imagine what you see...if you watch us...can see us day by day...we wonder what you'd try and tell us...if you could.....

we talk about you each day...it's a bit of peacefulness we share...the two of us as we chat about fun times or happy moments shared with you...the love we held onto as your parents...

thank God I have your father...and he is grateful I am there for him. Jordan is supportive and loving...but no one understands the loss of a child better than the other parent...and the two of us share a special bond...some people drift when something like this happens...our love has grown even deeper....I know Adam, that's hard to imagine...because our love ran so deeply before...but we take care of each other...we're weathering these difficult moments...one day at a time...

I told your dad that I am moving steps ahead each day with my life...and he smiled....I keep thoughts of you and how much pride you took in me...as your mom, as a nurse, as a person....

I did everything I felt was right and good in life...and somehow, I still lost you...

but like I told Dad tonight, thankfully we have good minds...and bright insight...we're smart....and we both want to work together to somehow "live on"....although life will never be the same...because our tremendous loss...the absence of you....will always live in the shadows of everyday...we need to face the sun and allows it's brillance to lead us...once again....because that is what you would want for us...

Caitlin & Will - Address In The Stars

....I slept well last night...and dreamed dreams so calming, I dreamt of Rachael...and then of Adam...she was an angelic person in the dream, she saw my sadness and opened up a box of "live memories" and I was able to spend time with my son once again....we walked on a beach, our feet kicking up white sand as I held his small hand....watching big waves cast up frothy tides of water lapping at our toes...he may have been around age seven....another image was me pulling him in a red wagon....he appeared very young with a head full of golden blond curls and unending laughter as I pulled him up a hill....and the dream would go on with such comforting memories...
I saw myself laughing, I viewed the complete and utter happiness that overflowed in myself, I saw Rachael smile at me...the soothing look of her eyes as they met mine. Something special....about Rachael...it was always there between us. She'd have me believe I was her role model, I'd second guess that, sometimes I think she'd been one to me...the face of an angel with a heart so sincere...if there was a way to show me some Peace, I know she'd have gone as far as she could to get me some comfort...to ease this pain...I'm glad I had my dream...I'm glad I met Rachael....Jordan's and Adam's friend since grade school....I'm glad she liked us...and stood by us...and understands me...I love you Rachael...always and forever

Dear Adam,

I've skipped some days nows, journaling my thoughts occurs less often. It's not that I don't think about you a million times a day....because I do...or that I lack the words....the feelings or the memories to write...because I truly possess that capability...it's just I'm trying to feel better.

Your dad and I are trying to keep our heads up and stay focused on this new life we have to keep on living. We don't care at all what anyone elses views or expectations are...because we're healing the way that feels best for us...and we're healing for you, Adam...because we need to...

We cried a lot this afternoon, reading through the cards that people lovingly penned to us...almost 7 months ago....our mailbox overfilled with letter and cards...we...in a fog then, remembered little of what was jotted on each note...overwhelmed with tears...we read them again until our crying blurred our eyes so much we couldn't read any further...and on and on again...was that same, simple statement..."he always made me smile"....repeatedly written in various versions...from all different people...remembering your smile...and how happy you'd always been...and as Dad and I held hands on our daily stroll down St. Kevin Lane...to say our prayers to you...we smiled as we thought how wonderful your smile had truly been...and how lucky we, as parents had been to have had such a happy son...and that you'll always be remembered for something so significant...I wonder what we'd be remembered for....many people live long lives...meaningless and empty...years filled with mediocrity and sheer existence...unhappy souls living day to day...

your life wasn't like that...and ours won't be that way either...

a mother's arms....

....ahhh....twenty five years ago today, I remember that day with near perfect recollection, it was another day in time...when my life took on a whole new meaning...I became a mother...I was elated...for you see, all I truly aspired to be....ever...was a really good mom someday. I think back on being a small girl and daydreaming in church, I dreamt of marrying the man of my dreams...and having two children. My dream mimicked many other girls dreams I'm sure...but mine came true...Jordan was perfect...Ted and I laid him on my hospital bed and looked at his little fingers and toes...we marvelled at how soft his pink skin was and how bright and active he appeared...to us...he was perfect...and all through his growing up years we continued to marvel at who he became...the man he is now. It's hard to believe that so much time has elapsed since I was that scared, young girl waiting with labor pains to deliver my child...but all those fears...and all of the pain was gone in an instant once the nurse handed me my baby and he lay nestled in my arms...the arms of a mother...the arms that have always held him over the years...through good times, hard times, in times of sickness and in times of utter woe....In my arms...these same arms, I held my other son as he left me and went to be with God...a mother's arms...

When things are good, say good things. When things are bad, say twice as many good things....

Dear Adam,
Today was such a beautiful day. I think of you when I see the sun shine brightly, or when a thousand butterflies pass by me on the trails...as I look into the clouds...my memories remind me of you and I staring up into that same blue sky together...countless times and envisioning what each cloud reminded us of...
As I stand at the stove and cook...I think of you passing through my kitchen and watching me stir...taking in the fragrance of deliciousness you'd tell me...
I miss you...but my focus now is on healing...and putting the sadness on the back burner and embracing the better times we shared...and there certainly had been so many...I know you want me to heal...to laugh and be silly...to be the mom you were absolutely crazy about...you'd teasingly tell me that you were special...because you were the baby...you certainly had a specialness about you...as did your brother...
How can my heart heal? I guess I just need to keep going...and that's what I've been doing...I want to live for you Adam...I want the dreams you've dreamt to come true...I don't want to wilt, I want to blossom...keep sending those positive thoughts to me...I love you...forever....

Melpo Mene Live : I adore you

Adam...this one reminds me of you....

mend...

mend...repair...restore by replacing a part or putting together what is torn or broken; someone dear told me she knows I need to mend...I liked that phase...I felt like pieces of me had been torn apart when all of this happened with my son, people who deal with loss described what happened to us as being "blind sighted"...this sudden act of being "blind sighted" is the most severe way of receiving loss...
so many obstacles followed...many months of questions, what ifs, many whys? But the bottom line is nothing can be turned back...there'll never be a rewind button...I'll never get to tell Adam so many of the things I yearned to tell him over the next years we planned as our lifetime together...but I am clear enough to see that I need to "mend" this broken heart...I need to be the person that Adam loved immensely. I finally realized what happened had absolutely nothing to do with me...or my parenting...or my failures. I had a dream that Adam told me I was the best...I know if God would allow him one minute to communicate with me, he would tell me he screwed up...that it wasn't Teddy or I and that he never wanted any of this to happen. I still see my son...in everything around me...as I picked apples with Teddy and Jordan yesterday, I almost felt Adam's presence with me...as we hiked the old Switchback Trail today and sat gazing off into the beautiful overlook...I felt like he stood aside me...taking in the lovely view as I did. Two full days...no monkey on my back...I miss him terribly...and I am certain I always will...my heart and soul won't ever be the same...but I'm still me...and I look at Ted and Jordan, our little family...and realize we're survivors...and we need to stay strong...we need to mend...for Adam's sake...and for the sake of all those who love us and care about us...

...somehow I let go today...at least for one day...released myself of the monkey that's been riding on my back for over 6 months now...the monkey jumped off but who knows if he'll be back again tomorrow? I had some really good talks with some really awesome friends...I see what Adam saw...or felt in his heart-to-hearts...my mood lifted since yesterday...the unending support of others somehow raises me when I'm down low...got to be strong...need to be that person that Adam loved so much...got to be me again...

....the start of football season....the start of Fall, oh how Adam loved the Fall and all it had to offer. Jordan's sadness was apparent...or shall I say more apparent than usual today, I saw he posted a sad note on Adam's face book wall...I feel my loss all of the time, I sometimes wonder if my own self's sadness prevents me from truly seeing how sad the others who loved Adam are? Ted and Jordan went away for a few hours...to watch the game with friends...something the trio of men in my life had done for years...they'd take turns hosting Notre Dame football gatherings to eat and drink and merrily argue over the game...and if you wanted to attend on of these gatherings, you'd need to cheer for the Irish...he brushed tears away this evening...it was extremely difficult for him...for you see, Adam wasn't there...to see the Irish win...to be among those friends...I often ask him dumb questions...awhile back I asked him how many times in a day he thought about Adam...tonight he brought that up...he said Lori, remember when you asked me that question? He told me "I think of him once a day...from the time I open my eyes until they close again at night"...and that one time is endless...he doesn't say much...I guess it's a man's way, to keep things inside...and to refrain from upsetting me...he's the one who calms me...he's my rock...he's hurting inside...I wish I could heal the pain he feels...how selfish I feel...with my mind clearing...I think of how he must struggle through his days...the facade he must put on...walking up and down those halls...the halls his son four years ago had graced...riding on the mowers that cut the football field, the same field we used to watch our sons play football upon and that Adam and Jordan joyfully had stood as Homecoming court members...the rush of memories of the child he loved so much...lost so suddenly...the way Adam visits him at night in his dreams...dreams that are confusing...I pray for Peace...I pray for us...I pray for Adam....may he always know the love we held inside our hearts...and ease his father's pain...yes, tonight I plea for Teddy's Peace...

Tracy Chapman - fast car Video

I loved her music, you hated it...except for this song, we both agreed it was awesome...

Dear Adam,
.....I know many people have been so kind to pray for us. I do have a strong Faith...I go to Mass weekly, I never miss...you'd be proud of how hard I am trying... I get such strength from it. Even shortly after you passed, I found a Catholic church in Hazleton that I attended until I felt strong enough to attend our own. I have met with others who lost kids...I met with clergy and chaplains...I go to grief therapy and have met with our workplace Psychologist....all great attempts to get on and stay on the right track. It's a lonesome battle...but each day, I do get up...I go through my rituals and go off to care for the sick. I never stopped caring...thank God for that. I am just so wounded...and I (more often lately) don't want to keep talking about my loss....it seems to make me even sadder. So I blog, pray, walk and try and circulate and surround myself with people who truly care...and it's so sad that I see and hear from others who are in "fear" of being around us...imagine that...me and dad stricking uncertainty with anyone? I know it's because they fear they'll say the wrong thing...or maybe think this could actually happen in their own lives...which it could. Our home was as normal as normal could get...I wish things become normal someday...again, you fill my every thought and I love you forever...my life now is different but the imprints you've left upon my heart will live on eternally....

Dear Adam,
I slept horribly last night...tossing and turning, bad dreams...wicked ones actually...and then I awake and face that daily challenge...life.
I trick myself into normalcy by going into my little perfunctory rituals to "get through" the day, and somehow...the days are turning into weeks and months and I am breathing...so many days and nights I wished that I could be where you are. I know that Dad felt like that, too...and probably Jordan but I guess it's not the plan...what is the plan? I ponder still...I wish I knew which path to take. Days are filled with tasks I assign myself...making cakes and soups for those I love...trying to outpour love to those I take care off...all to keep my mind busy and away from overfilling with sorrow...and then I remember..."when you feel down, look up. God is there with you"...and I'll let him lead me along...and He does...