Broken Social Scene - Pacific Theme

This one's for Adam and Earl...enjoy

....every morning I sit with my cup of Joe and think...I always have, even before this happened to us, I'd make coffee and sit at the computer and try and collect myself and my thoughts for the day...I'd often hear the stir of Adam downstairs...he'd frequently come up for a hug and tease me that all I do is drink coffee...we'd laugh...I'd get ready for work...he'd get ready for bed. We ran on two very different time schedules...he was a night owl...he enjoyed working late and then staying up, he found amusement in late night t.v and infomercials...and he'd "buy into" anything those commercials would say, that makes me smile...because he'd be so argumentative in other areas...part of his charm was the bits of boyhood nature that he never seemed to shake...he was so comforting...and easy. I think that was another facet that made him approachable, warm and welcoming...he never stopped remembering how he, himself was going through the awkward times in life...he made people feeling awkward feel good...he made older people feel that the stories they told him were magnificent...he was charming and sweet and I could easily forgive him minutes after I wanted to shake him...that boyish charm....he never had the chance to fall in love...marry or have those little Adam's he warned me about...and I can't help but be certain that he would have been an amazing father...an attentive husband...life was too short...my heart breaks when I sit and think...about the things he didn't get to know or experience...Adam silently doubted himself...I know this...I know he had little insecurities...I think Adam projected positivity towards everyone else...and inside he felt less secure...he used to tell me he wished he knew what he could do...or be...I'd cheer him on, I'd rally behind any idea he had...I knew his greatness...his effervescence...I'm still here...he's not. I'm empty...so's my coffee cup...but I'm trying...to refill my heart with joy...it's just so darn hard.

A night like tonight...summer heat...starry sky...lightening bugs and noisy street...cars going by...the activity of a typical July evening...I told Teddy I just think I need to see Adam out on the deck...smoking a ciggie and people driving by beeping their horns at him...he'd always nod and wave...big smiles...if I try...I can almost envision that picture in my mind...because I saw it so many times before. I still can't believe he's gone...time is passing by and I am missing him more...we know the reality of where he is...but I'm trying to hold onto thoughts like that to help me get through these rough times...

...Martin Luther King's widow once said that the greatness of a community is most accurately measured by the compassionate actions of its members...I can certainly relate to that as through our situation...the community did it's best to help us with nothing but support and compassion...in the aftermath of our loss...and striving toward healing, I see that I tend to be defensive at times...this is something I've never seen in my character before...or at least not often. I visualize myself as defending actions that I might choose to take now...that might be different than I normally would have chosen before. I don't want to be defensive...I guess as a mom I want everyone to know how loving my son was...how we wish we'd been able to help him...how we longed for someone to direct us then when we didn't know or see what Adam's new secret had become...and we shouldn't have to defend the not knowing part...sometimes in life, kids get good at hiding things they don't want others to discover...in this time now...I just want to surround myself in things that feel good...like the comfort we feel when we come home after a long, hard day...the soothing feeling of soft jeans and and tee-shirt...the feeling of bare feet on carpeting...hearing the voices in your home of those who love you...the warmth of freshly brewed coffee as you savor that first sip...that's what I yearn for now. No explanations...no expected time frames of when our life will return to normal...because that's a date we'll never be able to predict...and doubtful it shall ever be....you see for us, nothing's normal...so I guess I need to accept in others...that unless you've lost a child...you'll never fathom my pain...unless you've walked in my shoes...you'll never know the weight that lies upon my back as I struggle to walk through each new day...and when someone doesn't understand the depth of what happened to me...I'll tell them...how much do you love your child? As they look at me with seriousness...I'll reply...well, that's how much I loved Adam...and I think it helps them understand my loss...my tremendous loss

...I look back and think of all the days and months I've lost track of...the way my mind went on hiatus...to shield me from the excruciating pain of the horrible thing that happened to me...to us. Slowly...I've awakened from that bad dream...and realized the magnitude of reality...and now face a new world...this new life...the one that was chosen for me...it's not an easy task...trying to go back and be the me that everyone remembers...I asked Ted if we're going be okay...if we can ever be happy again? He looked at me...with expressive big blue eyes, just like his son's eyes...tearfully sincere...he told me we'll never forget any of this...or anything of what we had...but someday we'll find some sort of "happy" again...I love you Ted

my week-end was actually a little better...last week was terrible. It was probably a mixture of longing for my Adam and not having Jordan here with us...coupled with the arrival of his tombstone...I know it's never going to be easy...I know the way I feel will always live deeply inside my heart...but I do see I need to stay strong and part of being strong involves a strong support system...without that...any structure would fall apart...and I do feel the support that is holding me up...
no one abandons us...Jordan's recent smiles uplift our days a little more...and thankfully, I have Ted's unconditional love...even when no one else in the whole world knows what I'm feeling inside...all I have to do is look into his blue eyes and I see those same emotions that I am holding inside of me...I used to ask God...quite often...how could I be so Blessed? With him giving me Teddy...my handsome sons who I adored beyond words...and a life of happiness and contentment? I would tell people...often...I am Blessed...and then in February the Blessings were broken? The words that people tell us "heaven needed another angel...or God doesn't give you what you can't handle" doesn't make any sense...unless you're in my situation, they are idle words that don't provide explanation or comfort. What does give me comfort? I do see that being around friends helps immensely...knowing we're not alone...sometimes someone out of the blue will send a note or message...just knowing Adam's not forgotten...and that we, his family are still thought about...

decided that I may need to blog less...finding this too difficult at times...too many memories...makes me way too sad...

I saved items from my kid's past...I wish I could have saved more...but what forty four yr. old mom thinks she's going to need them to cherish in times like these? I found a story Adam wrote the other day...it was about the adventures of one of his best friends and living here, on the "Hill"...a self proclaimed "Hill Rat"...Adam could embellish tales and make people gather...a visual of an Adam tale would involve him having people pull chairs around as he'd entertain them with his magical voice. The bellow of his laughter could be heard around the block...even as a youngster, he'd tell tales...he also held interest in hearing other's stories...and I truly enjoyed hearing his...I feel like I know so many of his friends much better than they'd even know I did...because he loved to talk about his friends...all in a good light...always with love...I wish I would have recorded those tales...I wish I would have had him sing more often to me...I wish I could have done so much more...told him so much more...those who are faced with sudden death are withheld from knowing or doing any of those things...because we think we have a lifetime...but truly, what defines a lifetime?

Yesterday was such a rough day...it's become really unpredictable...what day is going to punch me in the gut harder that the one before...and the unfairness of what we must accept with each new day...even the ways people look at us...or choose not to look at us...those who avoid us know because of the awkwardness they feel or think we're going to feel...my heart was racing by noon yesterday...I am placed into uncomfortable situations now...I realize some are for my own good...while others are just too difficult....I went to the canal at lunchtime and tried to pray...sometimes a quiet moment is what I need most...to recollect myself...my thoughts...my direction...and I gave in...picked up the cell to hear a cheerful voice on the other end...making me feel like it's going to be alright, that unending love...from sources I'd never imagined...
I wonder how strong the Lord thinks I am...so many others tell me they doubt they'd weather the storm that God is leading me through...I have those dark and dismal moments...but I don't know what to do...living now is simply trying to breathe...trying to live on without a vital organ...my damaged heart pumps extra hard to circulate "feelings" through my body...the numbness is still there...faintly... but it still exists...

the misty rain...adds a layer of coolness onto the heat of the day...a bit of gray fog surrounds us as we bow our heads to pray...you have a tombstone now...and as I kneel to talk with you, I can look at the stone which bears your name...and face...and the engraved guitar offset to the right...dad tells me it's now up to you...to play it for all of those around you in your new home...the music of an angel...may God Bless you as you rest eternal...may God ease the pain...just abit...so we can breathe a little easier as days pass...

Dear Adam...
I think of you every moment of every day...and as I was driving along today...listening to the music on the satellite radio in my car, it seemed each song played made me think of memories of you...millions of thoughts circulate through my head but today I kept thinking of how you looked at the world around you...like no other person I had ever met. How does one visualize our imperfect world? I've met those in my lifetime that wore rose tinted glasses...not seeing the imperfections all around, or perhaps they just chose to pretend the imperfections were no longer existent...and others I'd met seemed to wear magnified lenses...to intensify the imperfections they found and would carelessly point out...and those...that lived looking through a microscope...fearful of the chances they might have to take...others live while looking through the long scope of the telescope...seeing things far ahead of them...futuristic...I think that might be how you saw me...and sadly, there are those who wear blinders and miss the joy and beauty that is emerging all around them...you Adam, I think you looked at life through the lens of a kaleidoscope...you'd shake it up and look through the eye piece and see magnificence that no one else could imagine...and you took that magnificence and shared it...to others...the smile you wore was as bright as sunshine...your laughter a happy sound...beautiful and melodic...since you passed...the stars in the sky have lost their luster...the rainbow lacks a color or two...the glimmer of the moon has dulled and the dazzle we felt for life has paled...your kaleidoscope of colors brightened our world...will anybody else be able to bring back the colors that your passing took away?..........
p.s. never have I seen a smile as radiant as yours...

I Don't Want to Be - Gavin DeGraw

this one reminds me of the way you and Jordan lived...to be yourselves...never trying to "be" anyone else...I miss you...I miss your unique ways...you weren't like anyone else...

Aimee Mann & Michael Penn - Two of Us

you and me...the two of us....

Xavier Rudd - Love comes and goes

for you...my loving son...not a moment in time goes on without thoughts of you...

missing Jordan....

it's an unusual week for me, because I'm missing Jordan big-time...since Adam's passing, it was he who was the "constant" thing in our home, I feel lost without him although I am truly happy he's spending some time away...with friends...this trip was planned many months ago...way before Adam's passing affected our lives forever...and it was Adam...who was supposed to join them...Adam loved going away...Adam basically loved any new adventure. He made going to random convenience stores along the journey a fun act...my mind is filled with memories of his adventures...the things he'd want to try...the unique sense of humor that made the trip much more enjoyable...together, my two sons completed me...completed us...it'll be five months tomorrow...my strength finally strong enough to explore a few items from his past...I found some beautiful pictures on his computer...and ironically, some had been vacation pics from our family travels...others are of me and Ted and his brother...happy times...just like any other normal family...only ours isn't normal anymore...I hope as Jordan walks on the sandy beaches...Adam walks alongside of him...and if he's staring into the blanket of black velvety sky filled with lustrous stars...I hope it's Adam's spirit within the brightest star...I hope Jordan's friends give him the loving support he needs...and that he continues to heal through his quiet time away...
God was Great to me when he gave me my two sons...my heart is heavy with my loss...but deep inside I know what a amazing boy I had...along with the remarkable son I have still...in my son Jordan....

hearts....

My mantra continues to be "keep your heart open" and I have honestly been trying to live up to that one...each day I continue to try to focus on the positive ways my son lived and loved his life...I was walking a few weeks ago along the old train tracks in our historic section of town...Ted and Hazel by My side when I happened to look down and see a little paper heart...it was in a tiny plastic case and it was of Victorian design...probably from one of the gift shoppes nearby...a tourist must have dropped it...I picked it up and smiled....thinking perhaps Adam threw me a heart from Heaven...and I kept in in my purse to look at and think of him...he always put hearts around the notes or CD's he'd make for me....think of the simplistic nature of a hand drawn heart...but such magnitude in it's meaning...he always associated me with hearts...and love...and yesterday I was walking Hazel by myself in the serene wooded path behind the old cemetery on the hill...there would be absolutely no reason imaginable to discover shells on that trail...no reason at all yet I happened to look down and what did I see? A beautiful seashell in the shape of a heart...I picked it up and shook of the dirt and began to cry....big alligator tears....my shirt dampened from my cry...and when I got home, I couldn't wait to show Ted the newest item for my collection of hearts...my own heart pains me so...but my willfulness is to find inside of it....Peace and comfort someday....
p.s. if people do believe in angels and there signs...then I believe Adam was sending me these items...because the heart-shaped shell that had no reason to be in the woods...I had many loving memories of he and I collecting shells on the beach from our past....and the I love you note...it's words simply state: Keep this simple paper heart close to you, it will remind you that you are loved all year through...he would have written that to me if he could have...

the watch....

my watch stopped...it was the last present Adam gave me on Christmas morning...he was so anxious to give it to me, wrapped in a pretty gift bag...his eyes smiling as he watched me open it and immediately put it on my left wrist...he knew by my expression that I loved it...I needed a new watch and he always paid attention when I said things...and when it was a special occasion, he's know what to buy me...always something that was well-thought and special...just like Adam to do something like that...that's how he treated life...with a special touch...I proudly wore that watch everyday...and when I took the pulses of my patients...it was that watch I used...it was that watch that helped me count the minutes of an expiring patient...it alerted me to when my shift was through...and when I would be seeing him come through the doors, after his shift was completed...the watch now is broken...it stopped working in the wee hours of this morning...and I think about time...and how many hours, weeks and months have whirled by us...and that the watch wasn't used nearly as much...because time wasn't an issue anymore...not like it was. Life took long pauses with Adam's departure...Ted and I talked about that this morning when I realized time had stopped...at least on my watch...and life goes on...as it should for everyone else...and we realized we need to continue to take our time...to deal with the sorrow that ensues...
speaking with kind people validates that taking my own personal time is what I feel better about...not trying to raise my own expectations to meet someone else's expectations of me...I hear others bumble about their minuscule problems and it's as annoying as bees buzzing in the background...I just want to shout "hey...you're issues are little" ..."I lost my heart"...yet I don't...nor will I...but I will take my time...coming back...at my pace...I've tucked that watch away...I think I'll buy another and treasure the one Adam bought me seven months ago...in my jewelry chest...next to the broken charms....

The Yankees Bob Sheppard introduces Derek Jeter

Ronan Tynan Sings God Bless America At Yankee Stadium

Jason Mraz -The Remedy (I Won't Worry)