To those who have left this earth brighter than when they arrived. One person can change the world. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Let us not judge, our time will come and pass as well. Counter-balance our differences with Love and Peace.

Thank you and God for the moments that began and continue for always...

Adam's friend...

....I am a strong person....but every now and then I would like for someone to simply take my hand and say that everything will be alright...
I know it won't ever be the same...but living life now is challenging...
my grieving heart continues to beat...as I have carefully learned the importance of readjusting my re-entry into life...part of it flowed seamlessly, the parts of life where love of others is concerned...that was never lost, there has never been hatred towards others...for in my heart I realize that no one on this earth would have wanted to see my son pass...or watch us and see how tragedy can affect a loving family...I've reanalyzed what is fair...and see that there are no answers...
so I crawl out of bed each day to face yet another small conquest...and I kneel often to pray, hopeful that God will give me more strength...and perhaps some Blessings ahead that might further heal this tremendous pain...and emptiness that weighs heavily on the hearts of my little family....

Dear God, This is my friend whom I love and this is my prayer for her... Help her live her life to the fullest. Please cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs You the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe. Amen!

I really needed that prayer...thanks to yet another beautiful statement of a wonderful friendship....

Music plays...inside my mind when I dream of you at night...
I can hear the laughter of your voice...
I can still feel you...so desperately, I feel your presence, trying to guard me...
watching over me...watching my heart literally sink when I try to grasp the enormity of you not being here...
It must pain you...to watch me struggle...to see the fight I am fighting...the battle I face with each new day...
The fears I have created inside my mind...you guiding over me...from your Heavenly loft...
seeing the many mistakes I made, yet probably amazed at the little conquests I have made....
you, my biggest fan, you'd rally for me...you loved my heart...you'd tell me
You made me realize what being a good mom really meant...it was the little things...
the simple stuff...things I thought everyone should do, say or feel...you said I was different...I miss that....I miss the way you'd make everyone feel special...
those things made me so proud...
I only wish God would have allowed me one more chance....to tell you what you meant to me...the impact you had not only on my life but on all of those around you...
I love you, always and forever...

"I still see and feel a lot of sadness in you-I know because you try and convince me that things are better and you are moving forward-almost like you are trying to convince yourself"...a friend wrote me recently---and yes...she's right but to counter back...softly I say---"what else is there to do?"....I do put that smile on...if not---would I place unwanted distance between myself and someone else? It's something I learned----even before I lost Adam....placing walls up does exactly just that---it walls others from coming to you. I've tried to keep my heart open and allow others love to permeate through and help me heal---and s-l-o-w-l-y I do...I've finally forgiven myself...a feat almost 2 years in the process---I've allowed myself and my mind a well needed rest in thinking my ability to be a good mom had anything to do with Adam's passing---no one except Teddy and Jordan know the horror that we endured not only that terrible night----but the 23 months that followed----and a sadness and hollow that will surely follow us till our own deaths one day...but when I squint my eyes and look back---on then---and now----I see survival----I feel strength....I feel God's arms wrapped around me tight...any self-doubts are easily extinguished when I look at it that way----and me? Thankfully I have my hospice background----which makes me certain that I am right where I am suppoed to be---healing takes a longtime---for us? A lifetime.....like a wound---I'm slowly rebuilding from within, heal too quickly----the wound will easily break open again---slow---steady----rebuilding----that's me----still---that work in progress........

Dear Adam,
I talk to you everyday, I know you hear me, I know you, more than anything in this universe wish you could communicate back, I feel you...so often, surrounding me...you feel the pain I feel, you wish to absorb it back---yet you cannot...I also feel your direction. Jordan began to open up more lately, I think he's also learning to forgive himself for things a young man like him shouldn't have to even think about, still we do...he and I---we've got this bond between us, one we would have never dreamt of...a bond you placed there...a bond of a memory that only he and I and Dad know of...Jordan and me...we fought ourselves a long time...not knowing how to move next, like walking through thick wet sand...he said to me the other night that there are so many people who would have simply given up...perhaps succumbed to our own demise...so true---but God gave us some superhuman strength, because we just want to give back...

U2 New Years Day+Lyrics (Full Version)

New Year's Day---I started dating Teddy on New Year's eve 1982, the clarity of that night still can be remembered vividly in my mind, I see each step, each movement, each facial expression as I was swept off my feet by him...in this life, I've never met anyone like him...New Year's held so many fond remembrances to us...our first year together, U2 had a song "New Year's Day", of course that became our song...and each New Year's eve to come, we'd talk about how we somehow fell deeply in love on that night...back then, it was "new hope"...through tough times to come, it became "new starts", somehow love would pull us through and together...maybe that's why what we have is special? Something always kept us together...I look back and remember people telling me that oftentimes a marriage struggles when a child is lost...well we've discovered everyone struggles with us....Adam's death had so many reeling in this painful aftermath...God Bless those who cannot see what we are---what we faced---and continue to....for if not for each other, I think our current lives now would deteriorate completely...we acknowledge that...we are only as strong as the other is...because it takes the two of us to hold each other up and prevent the son we have...from falling...today's a day that many wish for change...to lose weight, stop smoking, give up the booze...us? We have no New Year's goal, ours would simply be to be able to continue to look into mirrors and see the reflection we put force...and continue to be satisfied with the reflection we see---not physically...but looking far deeper into the souls of ourselves, hoping that to God's eyes...we've done enough...