Charlie....

....I remember writing months ago, back in late June, that I began corresponding with an author...someone who wrote a book that gave me comfort. His writing made me feel Hopeful that we could continue to live on...even though our son couldn't...today, I opened up my Face book and saw that there was a message from Charlie...and my heart smiled...for a bit...He and his wife would send me a note here and there...and I sent the last one...and never heard back...he's probably bombarded with messages (I told myself when he didn't automatically reply)...he plays a big part in his involvement with the Compassionate Friends...he probably just got time to respond back now I told myself...although those smiles in my heart turned into tears down my cheeks...he didn't respond...because you see...he passed away...this message was from his only son...letting his Face book friends know he was closing down his dad's page...I swallowed hard and had a mixture of emotions...first...feeling really sad for him...that his lovely wife wouldn't have him here...and that his only son is now without his father...unending grief...but then my heart filled as I envisioned him greeting the two boys he lost almost twenty years ago...and in my mind I saw a picture of two handsome teen-age boys greeting him in arms wide open as he made his entrance into Heaven...it was their turn now...to have him back...how torn are we, the bereaved...we either chose to live or allow ourselves to die slowly before it's our time. Shoulders straight...head up...focused on tomorrow...we...those who possess strength...hold onto courage we never even knew we possessed and face the day...his stories made me stronger...and last night I slept soundly and upon awakening this morning...a chill passed over me...a thought that Charlie was still helping me...I don't know why I felt this feeling, an indescribable feeling....but for the past week or two, I felt more strength...and direction...could it be him pulling me into the right direction? If he could...I believe he would...God Bless you Charlie...thank you for sharing direction with me...for showing me that all I felt these months has been normal...and allowing me to feel Hope once again...

"Faith isn't the ability to believe what you see. It's the ability to see what you believe"...that's why children are so joyous and happy...their imaginations allow them to see things in a different light...perhaps that's why so many of Adam's friends have been so amazing through all of this...maybe as we grow, we change...our Faith might alter with aging and our imaginations dim...Adam had this joyous, almost childlike quality...he possessed a rare innocence at times...those who knew him gravitated toward him...being around Adam...people felt safe...comfortable...loved and secure...I hold Faith that he watches over me...and his friends each day...I believe in angels and I hold Faith my son is one of them...

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"...I'm not waiting for anything...I'm just hopeful that each day gets easier...and I've been finding ways to gain momentum...I want people to look at me and see strength...I want others to come to me for support...it's funny how people look...and try and analyze where I am...AND ALL along....I've been here...altered for a bit...weathered by a storm...but I was the leaf that clung upon the tree limb during that storm...while I was almost whisked off that branch (several times)...I somehow held on with mammoth strength that allowed me to endure the beast that had blown about...and the roots of the tree that held me tight...hold me still...nourishing me to stay holding on...no poison here...no hate...nor resentment...no bitterness...being hateful takes up too much space in a heart that could occupy so much more...my son loved my heart the best...and it's my heart I want to share...forever to those who need me...

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've... would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f#ck on...Tupac

and I wanted to know if it was normal...to cry all of these tears...and she smiled at me and said...of course it is, you're his mom, you loved him...the tears will flow a long, long time...an endless stream...memories ripple along as I cry...

...sitting next to an old friend yesterday, I shared a secret...something that I had recently learned...something little but extremely enlightening...I learned about disappointments...a "monumental and moving thing" through my time of grief...I guess sometimes we all wish people could be and feel and emotionalize exactly how we, ourselves do...but you see, it's an impossible task...it all comes down to that old rating system...we rate everything these days...we rate our moods...our happiness factor...the level of pain we feel or how high our anxiety has risen...but sometimes we need to rate what other people's capabilities are...in truth...can some people really be a "10"? And if so...what does being a "10" entail? And looking into mirrors, how close to a "10" have we been...and after pondering all of this...things suddenly became easier for me to understand...and accept. I see that some folks are only capable of being "halfway" there...some people are stronger...go that extra mile...while other friends are at a loss...and perhaps have always struggled with what to do or say, not only in my situation...but in life in general...at times I found it difficult to digest, that people I would have expected to be "there" weren't....or shall I say "weren't as much of an integral part" as I would have presumed...and others who I am astonished by...came forth and surged love and support our way...sometimes even families unravel...and by me letting go of "those disappointments"...I let go of a lot of the pain...what have I learned? To be grateful for those who loved me...and believed in me...and be thankful that God placed special people there for me when those I expected to be there...simply couldn't...

"Spirituality isn't static. It's an evolving optimism that won’t let hardship get the best of you".

Dear Adam,
This weather is the type we'd say we all hated...cold...dreary, you'd tell me you had seasonal affective disorder and I'd laugh...but it's this year that I truly relate fully to that statement. And as I gaze out the window today and see the ice and snow covering everything, I feel very much like what I am viewing...me...I've been dormant...trying to awaken from the nightmare that's been the past eleven months...life springs upon everything else around us...and we, with feet frozen...seem stuck in the ice...movements impeded by all that weighs down upon us...can we be that family again...Jordan and I trudged through snow the other day together...it was cold and brisk but eerily calm...big, billowy clouds coated the sky and he had me gaze up as he pointed to a small break in the cloud formation where a small sliver of brilliant blue was permeating through...that's what I look for each day he went on to say......are there blue skies ahead I silently asked myself??? And I felt his arm encircle me...his hazel eyes moist as he told me we need to stay strong together...we miss you so much...Faith...it's all that's left...please keep us strong and always know how much you impacted us...your presense...your source of love...light and positivity...please help us keep Faith alive...

"A healed memory is not a deleted memory. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future".

You begin to move mountains when you start carrying away small stones....

....more dreams...an old friend wrote to me...telling me she dreamt of me last night...she came to visit me and as I answered the door I was covered in paint...she caught me while painting a room...we hugged and she got paint on her, too...I made tea...we laughed...looked at pictures of my boys and shared stories...sounds simplistic...doesn't it? When I thought about it...I saw much deeper and more profound meaning, for you see...many others are still afraid to sit with me...and have tea...some still have hesitations...perhaps that they'll upset me with saying the wrong thing...or perhaps they'll feel upset being around me...not certain? But the paint...I see that as representing pain...and as my friend hugged me she said...she took some of the "paint" upon herself. And you see...each time someone does something like that...it's like they're taking away some of the pain I wear daily. Friendship has been a key element in my getting better...I want to ease this horrific pain...I see the months passing by and I visualize myself becoming stronger but I'm still lost without him...I still cry at random...unexpected times day and night...how can you love someone so much and then lose them into eternity? Pains...they cover me like the paint my old friend dreamt about...

It's all right—questions, pain, stabbing anger can be poured out to the Infinite One . . . .Our wounded ragings will be lost in him and we will be found.

can you ever really "have it all"? Is that ever a possibility...sometimes you can look around and visualize others who just seem to possess that capability...that golden ring has always been within easy grasp for them...and others...it seems like they keep walking into the same walls...like a confused little mouse in a complicated maze...and what's the key to differentiating the difference there?
...sometimes things aren't always as they see either...many people live behind facades...a little over a year ago, I reconnected with an old friend...she started chatting with me on face book and she told me a story...it was beautiful and romantic...sadly...her marriage wasn't happy but she told me she didn't lose Faith because while back in our old hometown she made an observance that gave her renewed Hope...she told me she was parked on a side street waiting for someone and had a view of the historic section on Race Street...that she saw the silhouette of a couple with hands locked tight and watched them walk..their bodies close...smiles and laughter...complete and utter love in view...and as that couple passed by her...she saw that it was us...me and Teddy...she said our love was natural and real and moving...from a spectator's view it was remarkable...and this revelation moved me in ways like no others...and she knew it was Ted and I who looked at each other with those same eyes even way back when in the early eighties...well, what she saw was true love...but what others can't see is that attaining that level of love is hard work...it's not easy...but nothing worthwhile ever is easy...I've bumped into many walls, like that confused little mouse...and the ring of gold...well, it's never been within our reach...things were always hard for us...but the golden ring that mattered was the one Teddy placed on my left hand 25+ years ago...and I'll take that over anything else in this world. I don't think I could be the person I am right now without his love...
p.s. thank you old friend for that sharing your view of us...it was touching and compelling and pulled at my heartstrings....

...philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip...

You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder upon them.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series Winners.

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies...
Awards tarnish...
Achievements are forgotten...
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners...

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special!
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.


Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials..the most money...or the most awards.

They simply are the ones who care the most.

Simply put...anyone reading this...who helped Ted or I or Jordan, or who loved and cared about our son Adam, please accept our heartfelt thanks...we are forever grateful and will never forget who touched our hearts...

"Faith is not believing God can; it is knowing that he will"....

... About the time...I felt like an adult, I wanted to be a child...About the time...I felt carefree,I began to worry...About the time...I felt needed, No one asked for help...About the time...I felt joy, It ended...About the time...I felt loss, It grew larger...About the time...I felt love, It faded...About the time...I felt freedom, the door closed...About the time...I felt understood, I didn't...About the time...I stood alone, I found myself........

Plato: 'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.'

...new beginnings, another chapter in this book of life...It seems like for the past many months now, my life has been on the same page...rereading those same sentences...living those same words...thoughts....stagnent. It's how I felt. There really was no further comfort...perhaps just that feeling of being on autopilot that made certain things feel secure...I remember it being mid August 2008...I needed a change, my heart was being pulled in another direction. Some call it a calling and I'd have to agree for you see...at that time, I was in a job in a lead position...I reflect back and see that I was fortunate to have worked there for those nearly three years and lessons learned through it have proved valuable through a lifetime...but my heart never felt fulfilled in a director's role...and I knew it...but through that job I met many different people and watched with open eyes and heart as one very special lady became my friend...and she saw in me what I always envisioned inside...my desire to become a hospice nurse. Ted would often tell me about how good I was at dealing with death and dying...he'd say "it's amazing how kind and compassionate you are and seem to always know those comforting things to say or do..." as others would stumble...and I'd smile and think "Isn't that an odd gift that God gave me"...well with encouragement from my dear, dear friend, I followed my dream into fruition and found myself inspired...and inspiring those around me and for the first time in a long time, I felt fulfilled. My kids noticed it...Ted saw a light in me that hadn't burned as brightly in years...and as I remember sitting in the VNA office....back in that summer...waiting for my interview that would change my life...upon looking at the little recognition boards that decorated the lobby...emphasizing and recognizing those who went that extra mile in performance...well it was then and there I vowed to give my all and Grace each patient with love that I was eager to share...and comfort to my fullest capability...and so it went...my dreams fulfilled until I lost that light when Adam left me...although I went back months after his passing...I found myself way too sad to be able to fulfill that role I took so seriously and knowing that I couldn't perform at 100 percent, walked away from it all...leaving it open to another who could fulfill it all...some would say it was a brave thing to do...others may say I was foolish...because I gave up much...but surrounded by my own sadness and absorbing every bit of theirs was too much for me to handle...because I loved them all so much, it made my decision easier...so for awhile...I was without a full-time job...lost without a sense of what I would do next...and feeling pretty empty...many interviews in the past two months...many different people met...some are kind when you tell then why your changing careers...some couldn't have cared less...having revealed I lost a son to one young lady, she passed to the next question like I mentioned something irrelevant...then it happened...I got called for a series of interviews for a job that I wouldn't have thought I'd fit into...but they kept calling me...an interviewing me...they smiled as they said their process is long...because they only hire the right people for this job...through this process....I felt many self-doubts...remember, I've been through a battle, feeling pretty much defeated, and this job entails working with kids...sick kids...
so I went to the person I trust more than anyone...Teddy...I asked him if I could do this...his blue eyes glistened as he held me tight...telling me "many people say they like kids, simple as that...but with you, kids love you Lori, they love you...don't you see it? They gravitate to you"...and I saw it, my second epiphany....there... in Ted's arm, at the lake where we walk, talk and reflect each day and as the rays of sunlight cast light through the trees, I saw hope in his eyes and decided to see this dream through...maybe it's Adam's wish for me to go into this new direction...upon hearing them offer me this new position, the regional manager told me something that made me see that perhaps this is my calling...she said herself and others saw me to be inspiring...perhaps I do have a gift, a gift to help these children and help hold the hands of their moms and dads...to guide them...and so I await to turn the page on my newest chapter in this book of life....wish me well, please wish me well....

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

"Begin now. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake"...

Strengths...I doubted mine...as people around me repeatedly told me how strong I was, I silently doubted them...and inwardly was angry that people thought that of me...did they not see the constant trail of tears??? Or how I mourned continually....my daily rituals...the way I held myself back from life...and then...this past week...it's almost like I've opened my eyes fully to what they've been telling me...eyes open now I see what they saw. Yes, I am weak at times but it's my inner strength that gets me up each day...to greet a new morning...and while I chose to heal quietly...away from movie theaters and Wal-marts, I haven't been hidden, for it you looked hard enough, you'd have found me in the woods...on seemingly endless long walks with Teddy and Hazel...or in church...softly praying and holding close to my Faith...or at bedsides...still....of those who know they are close to dying....strength...a huge part of what makes me strong is the love and support I get from Teddy, for if not his love and guidance, I would be that hopeless being we all know of...that parent who lost a child and lost themselves...it happens, and it's heartbreaking...and it's not their fault, God Bless them. I wish I could personally help each one of them go on again...as best they could...but it takes an army of support and sadly, some of them don't have what I was so fortunate to have had...and with those Blessings counted, I want to someday project a plan to help others who have lost...and give them Hope...the type of Hope I've been alotted...No one misses Adam more than me...no one...but I know he was my biggest fan...he loved me...I never held a doubt and I chose to live for him now...and strengths...Hopefully will pull me through into a purposeful direction, allowing my heart to feel love and contentedness once again.

Dear Adam,
It's another year...and the anniversary of your passing is around the bend...dad and I think we've missed most of this past year as our heads had been in a cloud...and as I took the calendar off the wall...I paused and flipped through the months...this calendar started in Dec. 2009...and as I looked at that month I remembered Christmas and New Years with you here beside us...I remembered your smile...your laughs and warm hugs...I flipped another page and it was January...cold months and snow that we shoveled together...then February...everything seemed okay...and then you left us...sudden and shocking...reeling in the unknown...someone told me that people "get caught up" as these seasons pass us...and that we are still thought about and that you are certainly remembered...and I know that you are. Life is different now...I ripped the calendar and said goodbye to 2010...the worst year of my life...I cannot even begin to imagine how life can ever be nearly what it was...as we lay damaged...left behind...but no matter how many times I cry myself to sleep...I know you're not coming back to me and that I'm staying here...sadly, without you. So I guess I need to keep on keeping on and emphasize on what's left...or what lies ahead. All I know is that I miss you so much...and that time helps my head clear...time...it taught me much...like how to contain tears, to hold my tongue and understand others who struggle with "the right things to do or say"...but time is just more space from when I last held you...or heard you say "I love you mom"...but each day lived is another day closer till the time we'll be together again...I love you...always and forever...