the bravest thing I ever did....was continuing living when I wanted to die....only someone who went through what I did will understand how big that statement is...the immensity and enormity of survival without your child...follows me day in and day out....

I miss you Adam...I go through highs and lows each day, the pain never leaves me...lately it's been harder...you'd think that with time passing, it would ease the heaviness on my heart, but I find with each day more that places space between us makes me miss you even more...if that is possible.  I miss your laughter most....I just miss YOU...I keep waiting for something special to happen...perhaps some other form of JOY sent my way...a Blessing of a special person for your brother....fulfillment in a role I am involved in...maybe it's ahead...in our future....keep watch over us, the family left here....we all miss you so much...

God....please help me...I keep praying that I will feel better inside my heart...but this pain I wake with---the pain that lingers heavily on my heart...it hurts so badly...I miss my son...I miss him---
time passes by us and it has been soooo long since I saw him...held him, heard his voice....looked into his bright blue eyes...life will never be as it was...I miss him...I miss us....please God help me continue to look for Faith

kindness matters...

....there is nothing nicer than the kindness of others....the soft easing words of someone who cares, simple loving gestures, holding someone's hand, a gentle pat on the shoulder....eyes that connect, with care and compassion...there is nothing more soothing for someone's pain...than kind words...if sufficient words can't be found...just listening becomes an immense deed....anytime someone gives selflessly of themselves...I am certain it does not go unnoticed....pay attention to those who are struggling...sometimes your outreach may be the touch that brings them some well deserved comfort...

missing you...

you left this world---but your presence remains with us everyday---we see the signs around us...our hearts are open for anything meant for us to capture and cherish...I am lonely in a different way---the hollow that remains unfilled inside my heart-- will someday fill again when I am inside your loving embrace...I miss you every moment of each new day---and the space that grows in distance from the last time I held you----continues to grow....oh how I miss you my sweet son...I pray so often that something will ease this ache...I pray that God sends more strength for Jordan...nothing's been easy---please continue to watch over us...and help us through the pains of missing you, I will love you, always and forever xoxo

"The reality is that YOU will grieve forever----you will not "get over the loss of a loved one....you will learn to live with it. You will heal....and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same...Nor would you want to be...Elizabeth Kubler-Ross...her profound words sum up exactly how it is...we are healing...we are not the same...and each thing we accomplish (in the most positive of ways) is astounding to each of us...the three that are left here....to live on without him....an old friend popped in unexpectedly yesterday---overwhelmed in her own grief, a different grief than mine---but her grief consumed her...she asked how I face this monster day in and day out??? The brutal reality of loss...my heart and head often want to drift into that sad and lonely place...just absorb myself inside the streams of tears that trickle down my face...but somehow my Faith kicks in...it's God's love and the signs He sends me that I truly feel...I am surrounded by strong love here...that love helps me heal...I feel purpose...and I feel Adam is with me still...last night we walked on the sandy beach in our bare feet...the lake water warm from a very humid day...the clouds looked heavenly above us...the mist of a hot day steaming beautifully over the water...sunset highlighting God's beauty of the day...Ted always agrees he is with us...walking alongside of us...encouraging us....guiding us....somehow giving us the strength when we ourselves feel weak and vulnerable...and we take nothing for granted...we know how lucky we are to have each other...to have our Faith...our church...our family and friends....life can change in a spin...and we don't want to waste a second of what God is giving us...until He calls us to join Adam..........

As the rest of the world continues to whirl about...in it's normal pattern---and as I still go on with the empty spaces within my heart and soul...I find my Peace...when I am encircled in his arms...there is nowhere else I find the comfort and strength then when I am with my soul mate...I love him more each day...and as we talk--spend many---many moments together...as a couple...we build strength...we've built confidence...and built more love around us...<3

it's so hard to believe so much time has passed us by...Ted and I have somehow learned to live with this dreadful pain...I guess I am writing now...because I want to focus more on how I got to where "I am presently"...pivotal moments or changes that I may have somehow followed that helped me cope...perhaps to help another who has need to read about living on through life's darkest challenges...the big thing I did over this past year is let go....I've let go of hurt---I forgave...and although forgiving doesn't mean that I have forgotten...it means I am allowing that hurt that was once bottled so tightly inside of me---to be released...I no longer carry that with me...and that brick has been lifted. My heart has much more room for love and goodness without that space once occupied by anger... Forgiveness... Another change I made was to know my own limits...perhaps it's my safety net but I know my limits...and I have learned to avoid and distance myself from those uncomfortable times and places....if it feels good---then it probably is...any pause or hesitation---or things that make me feel sad or uneasy---distancing by me occurs...even within the workplace. I thought that people (silly me) would somehow be forever empathetic to me because of my circumstance....through the darkness of the past 4 plus years, I have disappointingly found this to be untrue too...a couple months ago someone told me in confidence that "I am too nice" and "I make them look bad because I am too kind"...funny, how hurtful that was...but it truly was, I guess since Adam passed, I try harder----love stronger, empathize more deeply---just try too hard I guess....because if I fall into that typical stereotype---then avoidance occurs...by others----so I try extra hard to be outgoing and kind---to pay it forward and I got bitten by an unkind mouth...so distancing occurred...by me---and I prayed really hard, because there are still things left for me ahead...and life is a learned lesson...and although painful to hear words that hurt and actions that are hurtful by another...I did take something away with me...and God did answer my prayers and redirected me...Blessings happen all the time, sometimes we are too busy to become aware of them---please God---never let me be too busy to miss a Blessing sent....for so much, I am grateful....

It's that time of the year...when people all around gather to celebrate the Joy of the season...and for those who never endured great losses...there is no way that anyone else could fathom what a family like ours does...and with time, it seems perfectly normal to think those not affected---with loss...assume that families like ours have moved onward...there is a reason God put me with Teddy...I know there is no woman on this earth that loves her husband more than I do...no one...he walks me through each season...we grew together in a different way I suppose. SO much of life's happenings further bonded our love...time has helped us see beauty once again....we both agree this Autumn was the most spectacular we've ever witnessed...perhaps because we spend so much time enjoying it together...our long walks on leaf covered trails...sharing coffee on big rocks along the way...glimpses of birds that fly haphazardly along our way... our favorite trek is a hike to Mount Pisgah...the view from the top is spectacular...our beautiful little town, the scurry of activity below us...while where we stand it is silent...nature's silence...the faint whispers of trees leaning in the breeze...a chirp of a bird, the scatter of a chippie...but not much more than that...I guess when we're up there we feel closer to Heaven..closer to God, closer to Adam...the silence is soothing...and when Ted and I are together, we speak with our hearts, our eyes...no need for deep conversations when all that surrounds us is telling us a story...Thanksgiving Day came...and we took time to count the Blessings in our lives...although it's definitely a more difficult task...but again, we somehow got through it...surrounded by some really great friends who care deeply...

There isn't much to write anymore...same heart-wrenching pain...whoever said it gets easier lied...and we need to put on brave faces and smiles, I miss you...

Dear Adam-- This year is my year of changes...after you died, I know a huge part of me died too...I still suffer the lingering blows your death placed upon me...but somewhere, somehow, I got some strength...and your dad and I are working toward a cause, one you'd be amazed by, hopefully, we'll be able to fulfill this commitment we made, to trek 65 miles from Philly to Atlantic City...nothing's been easy, the thoughts of being able to continue living after you left me seemed dismal...and here I am, 47 and reaching goals that only strong people attain, not someone like me...as I ride on Sunday, I'm wearing your riding gloves...wearing your necklace (the one with the shamrock) and I've trained hundreds of miles on your old bike. Of course I fell a time or two...but you know what??? Somehow I got back up and back on...when I ride along the beautiful pathways with your dad, I envision you, your blonde hair blowing in the breeze, riding right alongside me, I hear your laughter in the air, as I traverse onward, I hear your voice in the distance, cheering me on---I feel your gentle push on my shoulders, telling me you're right behind me, NO one loved you as I did...as a mom I know this is truth...I miss you each moment of each day...I keep hoping that this heaviness will lessen...the exasperating feeling that you are no here, with us... ride with me...this week-end, keep watch over us and help us stay safe, I love you, always and forever, your Mom XOXO

existing...that's how many live after loss....relearning how to breathe again---how to hold one's head up and push back the tears that lie waiting to fall....learning how to suppress the utter sadness...living in silence, holding back pain as the smiles we place on our faces fools nearly everyone...I don't have to pretend with him, nor he with I....together we can grieve...we can recant our tales....holler at the world, hold each other until each other's shirts are wet from tears....we can still say that it's not fair...we can talk about how much we loved him too---sometimes he and I can laugh and smile...as we remember the times before...our great loss, nothing's the same....nothing at all...we somehow how learned to live a different life...it's going on too....life...without him, unimaginably---walking by the old iron bridge the other night I looked down, I remember weeping desperately one day probably a month after Adam died...alone----like I was so often then, I wandered helplessly to the overlook, gazing down on the freezing flow of rocks and river waters...wondering if my absence would even matter....when Adam died...his death mattered...so many people were affected by his loss....through this journey...the journey that was chosen for me to live and endure---I came to see who I really am---and I never stopped believing in me...nor will I...as the dark days s-l-o-w-l-y began to clear...I realized what truly mattered and what really never did---I hope I matter...that somehow, in someway....someone was touched by me---that before I die...I may have made the lives of others just a little brighter through my spirit....

although nothing has been easy---the journey that we face does go on---somedays are easier than others...although in reality each day we face---poses new challenges...and for those who pay attention closely, it's the little conquests that we overcome...or the small achievements that we meet---that give us strength and present us with renewed Faith...I told Jordan that cooking has become my medicine... when I am lost in the kitchen, pouring over my recipes...my mind is lost for a bit---a welcome thing for Ted and I... never far away is our thoughts of Adam...oftentimes, when Ted and I are alone, we have the chance to weep together...without him, I don't know what each of us would do to cope...but when we hold each other and share one another's pain...it somehow helps...no one loved Adam more than we did....no one else can understand the pain I feel better than he does...each day

....thank you anyone---who has....over the past three years walked alongside of me...who held my hand as I gently wept...thank you for remembering me...but even more so, for remembering my son Adam...gratefulness is something that wasn't taken when I lost Adam...nor was my Faith, dignity or respect...sometimes tragedy can ravage oneself...end friendships...relationships...and bonds of trust...I'd be lying to myself to say I was unaffected...because I was in some ways...but I do think losing my loving son has left me untainted in a world that is quite messed up sometimes...and I...in my sadness have still maintained that level of love...care and respect that my children loved most about me...I sit each day blogging inside my head...remembering all the little memories I can...in the time I had with my family of four...so much has changed...and never has so much meant so little...but when you lose so much...it's a struggle to move ahead and nothing seems great anymore...but I do have great love...and I hold my head up to the sun each day---hoping for it's radiance to catch my face...asking God to continue to help me take steps in a forward pattern...and to Bless this life that remains...Three years ago today I had my normal life...until the middle of the night----it all unraveled...Please pray for us especially today and tomorrow...as we remember the life of Adam LaRizzio, a kind and loving, HUGE hearted young man who simply died way too soon...may he be remembered with smiles and joy forever...

true love is... meeting someone many years ago and watching your love for them multiply with each year that goes along... having someone stand aside you in of all the good times... and having them there beside you when your world falls apart... true love is unending... someone who feels the pain you feel exactly as you feel it... who understands your heart and soul.... who walks aside you...never loosening the grip held between your two hands... everlasting love... goes far beyond passion...although with us...that never dims... but it's that feeling of completeness I feel...and know you feel...whenever we're together... True love---grown even deeper...when I thought I couldn't possibly love you any MORE... my love for you grew even further... I feel I am the best person possible...when I am beside you... your love gives me strength... True love found me---as a young girl...with silly ways... you loved me anyway...embracing how different I could be...and seeing value in all of me...you ALWAYS made me feel secure---warm---loved...special... with your true love---I am complete....I love you more than mere words could ever tell

someone's laying in their bed right now---crying because of pain inside their heart...we all can easily pass by others....thinking everything is alright, consumed with our own day to day issues of life while someone else is scared, or lonely...heartbroken, devasted, depressed...sometimes all it would take is an outreached hand---a phonecall...and inquiry...I lived it...and I have learned so much...something clicked with me...I was able to see the goodness that others, even strangers...have put forth to me....through time passed, I can look back and see it, I want to pay it all forward...I want to give it all back...with love...for I shall never forget the kindess of those who opened their hearts to me...